I was supposed to go to Mandotomorrow.. but i've cancelled because the time which i go we've planned something else.

  Either to go bowling, to the cinema, to play pool or something like that... i dont know if we actually will end up doing something.. but i'm not planning on missing if we do.

 I guess it will just be next week. Ahwelll...:)

O'Boy

Good evening :)

After dinner, iwas craving some warm drink,and i was thinking tea.. but there was none of my green tea, but instead i saw... O'Boy, swedish hot chocolate. I used to drink it as it was on my meal plan, but then i just forgot about it... its not one of my favourite things.

   But this evening.. it was the perfect thing! I cant even remember the last time i had hot chocolate.

Of course.. it would have been nice with some ice cream/cream and mini marshmallows... Oh well... chocolate powder and warm milk, just as nice :)

^^Haha..she's pretending to not care that im drinking hot chocolate!

She's such a fluffball^^

Of course... my hot chocolate doesnt look that tasty.. it was.

But it can look like this- 

^^ Dont tell me you're not tempted.. not even a little bit?

You gotta admit it looks nice??:D^^

Yeah... i was struggling last week. I get it... now lets move on.
  Everyone has ups and downs... and i had it bad last week. But ive picked myself back up again, and im moving forwards.
  Yeah, i lost a little weight, like 0,5kg... its not alot. It could have been worse.
 Its not the end of the world.

I dont look thin. Or not 'sick thin' anyway. Its not a big deal.
 I'll be fine, i am fine.

I'm not purposely chosing to lose weight.. i dont want to. I just want to gain my goalweight, be happy. Live. Be normal. Learn to accept my body at its normal weight.
  I would never choose to go back down the path i've been, thats why ive picked myself back up again.

I hate when i hear girls talking about losing weight, how much they hate themselves. Its like...dont talk that why. Love yourself for who you are, and how you look. Dont try to change yourself, its not worth it.
  I would never ever advertise anorexia, or any eating disorder, all of them are dangerous.

I'm against it..and would never choose it.
 
You should just love yourself, because you're perfect the way you are.



Okk.. i kinda changed the topic half way!! :)

An ok day

School today has actually been ok :) Not much has happend... the day had just passed by quickly.
  Started with a late morning, starting at 10 am with maths, which really isnt so bad.
And then lunch... which was nice :) Falafels & rice & garlic sauce & lots of vegetables.

^^Something like that.. but this was taken from Google :)^^

I even went and bought some sweetts with another girl.. :)

I wasnt feeling particularly hungry, i had actually eaten quite a big lunch but i was like, sure :) A little bit of chocolate wont hurt.

And the fact that im really focusing on trying to take that extra bite/bit at each meal.

To really make a difference now.

And then we had another maths lesson,and onto history and then swedish.

And finally we had music... which we played guitars!
That was fun! Im ok at playing guitar.. not the best. But im alright!

And then it was home time!

Such a relief.

But i have quite a bit of studying to do, i'm so busy tomorrow, thursday and friday.

Both schooll work and other things. 

Hope everyones had a good day!
I have anyway!

I will answer!!

To everyone who has emailed me... Thank you! 


And i will get around to answering your mails :) Hang on in there!!! :)

Waiting

It feels like im just waiting... waiting for something. but i dont know what.
  My life is routine, my life is structured. i go to school. I come home. I go swimming some days, i take my dog for walks some days. I go to Mando some days.
  What else do i do? What happens inbetween?

I'm waiting for soemthing to happen. something....... but what?


Waiting to be declared healthy.
Waiting for summer.
Waiting to change schools.
Waiting for my national tests.
Waiting for a boyfriend.
Waiting for the month to be over.
Waiting for the year to be over.
Waiting for life to be over.


Somedays i wonder why i'm even living? Im not making anydifference in the world... would it really matter if i just dissappeared? would anyone notice, would anyone care?
  It wouldnt even be noted in the papers... no body outside of my family would care.

There are so many billion people in the world, and im just one of them.
  Living my life.

waiting. waiting. waiting. What am i waiting for? It feels like im just living, to die.
What happens if i die tomorrow? What will i be remember for?
One out of the millions of people who had anorexia? who recovered from anorexia? but is that even true? am i recovered? no.

I dont know where im heading.. i dont know how my future will look... do i even have a future?

Back to school

Today has been quite a good day.
  I've done quite a bit of talking and laughing, which is a good mood booster!! :) always makes me feel good.
But ive been lacking energy. I was so tired... was even thinking about just skipping gym.. i mean, do i really need it? haha
  No.. but that would mean 'dossing' (or whatever word people use - skipping class)
For lunch today... i cant even describe it. It looked like puke.

It was a plate of dry pasta, with this green/white sauce with small dots of orange and darker green. It looked like someone had been sick... and it made me want to puke.
  Usch.. it was absaloutly horrible.

I just ate the pasta and lots of vegetables and salad.

We had a few more classes, and then i dragged myself to the gym where we had P.E . Which was football, not my best sport.. so it was kinda half embarrassing.

I got home at 5... feeling tired and grumpy. And im now hiding away in my room... i feel like i would just sttart screaming if i was out in the sitting room.

Ok.. i suppose its time to get some studying done. :)

Early morning walks

I hate Monday mornings. - Who doesnt? :)
  But atleast for me, i dont start until 10, so i got a bit of a sleep in. 8am? haha
 I also got a bit of time to take my dog for a walk. I love it :) It was all quiet and white.
I had no music playing, i was just listening to my feet on the ground. Hearing my own thoughts.
There were no thoughts of walking fast - burn calories. No thoughts about how much i had eaten, what i had eaten.
  Just my own thoughts. Like, what everyone had been doing over the weekend, what i had studied over the weekend, how cold it was, what my plans were for the summer... just thoughts like that.
  And it feels good... it feels like i never have time to just think... to think my own thoughts. To not stress, to not worry about one thing or the other.

Going for walks is definitely one of my stress relievers. It makes everything feel good... actually - I always feel so pepp about things after going for a walk.
  Like it makes mewant to  gain this last bit of weight.. i dont know why it happens when im walking, but its good. It gives me energy... the energy to fight!

Answers

Läser de i din klass din blogg? / Do the people in your class read your blog? - anonymous


No. They know i have a blog, but they just accept the fact that i don't give out the link. But my closest friend in hte school is continuously asking, but as it's an 'anorexic' blogg,and she doesnt know i have anorexia, she's not allowed to read it
  I've said the same to my family, that they know i have a blog but i told them they cant read it. I cant stop them, but it would feel like an invasion into my privacy if they did.




what was your lowest weight. and how much have you weighed at most? - anonymous


I dont know if i should post numbers? But oh well.. most people who have followed this blogg already know what my weight was like, and know that i post numbers.
  My lowest weight was 40kg, with a BMI of 13/14. 
The most.. i dont actually know? I think it was like 54/55 kg.. but that was back when i was maybe 11, 12?




how much did you eat when you were sickest?- anonymous 


This,i dont want to answer. But we can say, it wasnt alot. Like when i was really sick, went weeks living on max 500 calories per day, and if i could, i would hhave purged it back up again.



-did you purge?binge/purge? - Anonymous
  
I never binged but i purged... it started with that i started purging,and then i reduced how much i ate, and then i ended up eating very little, and purging what i could. - and of course too much exercise aswell.




what was your fear foods? - Anonymous
  

It was like carbs, butter, cheese, dairy, junk food - chocolate,crisps, ice cream, pizza, burgerse, chips etc etc - like all that type of stuff. It was just normal foods aswell as unhealthy foods. All food scared me, even fruits.

What food is your favourite now? - Anonymous

Oh... i dont know. I have too much!! I love fruit, sandwichs, sushi, chicken, noodles, soup, fish, chocolate, sweets, nuts&dried fruit, yoghurt, oatmeal.... ohh the list goes on :)

have you ever collapsed due to anorexia? Have you ever been in ambulance? - Anonymous

Yes, i have collapsed nurmerous times, but there was once where i fainted and ended up hitting my head on the door knob and then i got this huge swelling at the back of my head... which of course meant i had to go to hospital incase it was something dangerous... that was the start of my mums scrutiny.

  And ive been the ambulance 3 times in my whole life.

Twice when i was a kid, and once last year when i OD'd.

When you weren't eating (when you said you had that weakness before), how long did it take you to be that weak? Or did it happen near immediately? - Mad bird

I cant really remember, i think it took a short while for my body to realise that it wasnt getting the energy it needed.

  So it was a gradual thing.i think?:)

Do you remember how you used to eat before you got sick? And was it a gradual thing or did you just stop eating just like that? - Anonymous

Hmmm... no i dont really remember how my eating patterns was, but you can look at my my diets page. It has a rough thing of how i used to eat... but it was so long ago that i cant be fully sure. And then it was a natural thing to eat, that i didnt think what i did eat. :)

  It was gradual.. it started with that i started purging a few times a week, then a few times a day, and then all my  meals, and then i slowly cut back on what i ate, until i ate barely anything. 

What do your parents say about you drinking? Are you allowed to. And what does Mando say about it?  Anonymous

Well, my parents dont mind. I mean, they're not alcoholics, and they dont encourage drink. But they dont say no either, because they know that if they did.. i would rebel and drink twice as much.

  And i mean, ima teenager, aslong as i dont become addicted to drink or do stupid things, i dont think they have a problem with it.

 I dont know what Mando says about it. I know when i was in treatment they obviously said i couldnt.. not that i cared. I was too scared of the calories in alcohol.

  But when you are underweight, you feel the effects of it alot more. And its harder to keep the drink down.

For now.. i think thats all the questions.. :) haha

According to my what do you want to read post, alot of you like the way i write.. which is good!! :) It makes me happy to hear.
  You like how i write about both my good and bad days... so i'll continue to write, even if i have bad days.

And a few of you asked if i could write more diary entries from when i was sick... so i'll get around to doing that


And i'll even make a post about how it was at Mando, how the treatment is and so forth as some were curious about that.
  But you can also read my Mando page. Which basically is the same information.. how it was at Mando and that!! :)

If you have any more questions or would like me to write about anything, or so forth just ask!!
 

Swimming, museum, cake and 2 cups of coffee later

I dragged myself out of the house after lunch and headed to the swimming pool.
  I wasnt sure if i actually wanted to swim or not... i felt so undecided. But i paid and went in and changed.
 The first 15 minutes of swimming wasnt enjoyable. I kept watching the clock wondering if i should just get up and go home.
  I felt kinda upset, and wasnt in the mood for swimming.
But i just decided.. i was gonna swim for at least an hour. I had already paid (not much) but still... And then i just stopped watching the clock and swimming got easier.
 And i ended up swimming for an hour and a half. Thoroughly exhausted afterwards. But i like that, i like the exhaustion and tiredness after training. So i just went and lay in the sauna for a half hour or so.

I then called my mum to see what she was up to, and she said that she was going to the modern museum with her partner, and asked if i wanted to tag along.
  But i was like.. If i come, then we have to go eat something before hand. As i was pretty hungry after swimming.

 So we met up in town and went for a coffee and cake - I had a raspberry cake with custard and two coffees. haha
  I even ate all the.. i usually dont.. or i dont know? Its been a while since i last had cake, but when i last did..  i didnt even order with custard/cream. Hahah... kinda half surprised. but in a good way!

And then the three of us, me, my mum and her partner continued to the modern museum where we spent a while looking over the exhibitions.

And then i made my way home, catching the tube just in time! :)

And now im thinking its dinner time - Chicken and vegetable wok with noodles :)

Yes please!

Hope everyones had a good sunday! :)

Its just a number

Ugghhh.. its no longer 3-4 kilo until im BMI 19-20 ... its 5-7 kilo. Ohhh yes...
  Im just getting further and further away from my normal weight...

It feels like everyone else looks good with their normal weight. They dont have the most toned belly or lots of muscles.. but they look good that way.
 Me... No.. i wont look good with a normal weight.

If there was a pill that would make me gain 5kilo over night.. i would.
  Im so tired of this on-going thing... its just like my stupid body. It wont gain weight.

And of course.. my mind isnt helping much... ugghh.


Its not the number that bothers me.. its - What will i look like when i'm normal weight.  Where will the weight go ?

I just dont know

On with the comfy clothes.

  I feel a bit better... like all last week. I felt shit. Absaloutly horrible, mentally and physically.
  It felt like my eating habits were all messed up. I didnt have scheduled meals, it was alot of not feeling hungry at all, and then feeling so hungry i end up eating so much i felt guilty over it.
  And there was something in nuts and dried fruit which i needed.
I think it was the carbs and fat i needed, because after having quite alot of both of that yesterday.. i feel alright.
  I dont feel like cutting back anyway...
Im hoping next will be better. I dont know what happend last week?

I still feel fat when i look in the mirror, but im just like Ok. Whatever. I cant really be bothered to worry about it... its not worth my time.

I think my plans are to go swimming today. I feel i want to exercise... and get out of the house. But at the same time.. it feels like i just want to lie on the sofa and not move at all...
  i dunno?

Im also gonna see if my mum wants to meet up and go for a coffee or something?? hehe... we'll see :)

Have a good everyone :)

Party like theres no tomorrow

So yesterday, i went out to a party.
  I wasnt so sure if i would, i got asked last week if i wanted to go, but i was like No, mainly because i wasnt feeling well at all last week.
  But then yesterday i was like, sure why not.
  So me and my sister got ready to go, and i got stuck between two clothes choices??!!

But i went for the simple white top, black skirt, coat jacket and heels look. :)

When we got off the tube, we were kinda lost on how to get to the actual house,

and i ended up getting quite a bit of anxiety then.

Mainly because i was like, i dont know anyone at the party, what happens if i just sit there and dont know what to do. What if this, what if that?

I even  ended up saying that if we didnt find the place we could just go for pizza and go home.

We ended up walking around in the snow in our heels for a half hour before we found the place.

It was actually really good, there was this like buffee which we could all help ourselves to (and i was starving, so that was good!) and lots to drink.

 i talked alot. and got to know quite a few people

But i ended up drinking too much... which maybe wasnt the best thing.

I could feel the effect of the drink early on, and i know my sister noticed and got kinda worried

as i was just like swaying about the place and laughing.

I didnt stay that late as i wasnt feeling so well, 

so me and my sister took the tube together, but we were gonna go different directions,

but my sister was seriously worried and said that i should follow with her, (she was going to her boyfriends) but i was like no... i'll be fine.

I did manage to get home, on shaky legs.

I cant remember so much, im pretty sure i ended up sitting on the floor just laughing, but feel seriously sick.

And then i just lay in the sofa and watched Bruno, and then 'night at the museum 2'.

But i really cant remember much.

Last night was fun, even though i drank too much.

But atleast i didnt do anything i regret anyway!! :)

hehe

If you wanna smile...then smile