Eating out in restaurants

Eating out in restaurants..... a fear which i know many have and one i used to have. It's been a very long time since i last felt anxious about eating out or worried about calories in the food or compensating when eating out. So whenever i write these types of posts about fears i had or such as posts about rest days or eating more, its not a "new" thing for me that i eat out without anxiety or rest several days without feeling anxious or compensating or eat more when i need it and dont feel bad about it. I have been able to do those things for several years, but these posts are just reminders for YOU, and me looking back to how i was 3-5 years ago when i couldnt do those things without anxiety!

So, the past few days, Sunday-Wednesday i ate almost all of my meals out in restaurants. It wasnt planned to be this way when my mum came to Gothenburg, that was just what happened.

Truth is that i actually like eating out... if i could i would eat out once or twice a day if i had the economy for it. However i do love making my basic meals of potatoes, avocado, tofu and salads and not to mention my lentil soup which i love!!

When i eat out, even when i go out with friends i never worry about vegan food instead i just follow with and know that either ill eat from side dishes or in the worst case scenario there wont be anything i can eat, but then i'll just eat something later, but in most places im sure i could get a plate or potatoes and some salad if i wanted to eat something and nothing on the menu was vegan.
As my mum is a pescetarian it wasnt so hard to make a decision about where to eat, haha.

In the past, if we were ever going to eat out i would HAVE TO know where we were going. I would then look the menu up online, prepare myself mentally for it, then i would eat less and exercise more the days leading up to the restaurant visit. I worried so much beforehand. (Reminder, this is back in 2012 and earlier!!). And travelling away on holiday was almost off the list for me because i would have no control over food or how the food was made and eating out more than once every 6 months wasnt possible for me.

Over the years i learned that food is just food and that even if you are on holiday and eat out all your meals for a whole week that is ok as well. It wont harm your body or your health, if anything it will help your mental health if you struggle with eating in restaurants so it will just be positive!

My best advice for when eating out is to choose exactly what you want. Even if you are eating out every meal for a whole week. Think... you dont always eat out so why not make the best of it when you are.... choose the food you might not eat so often or dont cook yourself. Maybe one day you want burger and fries, the next day you want pasta, the next day you want a salad etc
And even if you eat more than you need one day or three days, it is not the end of the world.... your body and your health will still be ok. One week of eating more than usual wont harm you and in the long term will balance itself out.

Food is just food. You dont need to know the calorie amount in the dish and you dont need to exercise or compensate just because you eat one meal out. Instead enjoy the company, enjoy the food and be thankful that you can eat out and eat food!

Its all about facing fears and overcoming the fears. The first time might be tough, the second time maybe a little easier, the third time maybe you eat a maindish and a dessert, the 7th time you feel completely at ease and no worries about eating out and eventually you know you can be away from home or go on holiday and eating at cafes or restaurants is nothing you worry or think about at all! So keep facing the fears and know that you will be ok!! :)

My dream vegan meal and who would i share it with ?

I got asked the question about what would be my dream vegan meal and who would i share it with? And i loved the question so thought i would do a post about it! But i thought i would add on... if i could only eat one meal for the rest of my life what would it be?

So first off... two scenarios, my dream meal in reality where i pay/make the food, and dream reality where money is not a problem and im not the one making the food haha!! And of course i have to have more than one dish in my meal!!

So... in reality where there are limits to my choices!

Starter:  A fresh salad consisting of spinach, ruccola, sweet corn, baby tomatoes, pine nuts, some form of soy protein, avocado, pickled onion & some type of fresh sallad dressing,

Main: Lentil vegetable soup with potatoes and oat cream & newly baked bread with vegan butter and cheese.

Dessert: Chocolate fondue or vegan creme brulee or vegan cheese cake.... or actually, the vegan saffron cheesecake i made for christmas was one of the best cakes i think ive ever made!!

And i would want to share this meal with my sister and my mum :)

My dream meal:

Starter: Tofu and vegetable skewers with a peanut sauce & Crispy sweet potatoe fries & spring rolls with dipping sauce & freshly baked bread.

Main: A sallad consisting of the best sallad ingredients (XD) and of course with thyme and garlic oumph (lots of it!). Basically a sallad like the ones from Mahalo cafe!  (pictures below)

Main part 2: Cauliflower pizza with pulled oumph on top and lots of veggies. 

Dessert: It would have to be a dessert buffet because i love dessert! So mini versions of everything so i can have a bit of everything! Cookies, chocolate mudcake, cheese cake, donuts, waffles and of course lots of chocolate covered strawberries!

I would want to share this with lots of vegan online people i follow... there are so many so i cant even name them all. But i would want to gather us all and talk and eat and just get to know each other in person!

And if i could only eat one meal for the rest of my life?

Then i think it would have to be thyme and garlic oumph with oven roasted potatoes, some type of oat based sauce and lots of salad/kale with sweet corn and cashew nuts on top and of course freshly baked bread with this meal! Yummm

And if i could live on only one food.....?

I cant answer that hahahah...

Post about sugar and salt? Is it bad? & sugar addiction

I've gotten some recent questions about salt and sugar intake which i thought i would answer.

How much to eat? How much is too much? how to break a sugar addiction?

First off... salt is important, salt is necessary for functions in the body and cutting out salt completely can actually do alot more damage than eating a little more than necessary. Because generally speaking if you eat too much salt than you need you will feel more thirsty, but if you eat too little then your body can get out of balance which will have worse conseuqences than too much salt.
And worrying about salt intake is usually only recommended to those who eat alot of processed food or to those who have a history of high blood pressure in their family or other illnesses related to high blood pressure. And if you are in neither of those groups then i wouldnt worry so much.

In sweden the recommended salt intake is 6g (i.e 2.4g sodium) which is roughly 1tsb, but most adults eat double as much.

I wouldnt worry too much about salt intake UNLESS you eat alot of processed food or use alot of salt in your cooking and then add even more salt when eating. So for example if you do alot of home cooking then choose to either 1) salt when cooking or 2) salt when eating, not both.

Salt gives flavour and it is necessary, but just like everything, its about balance. So if you eat alot of processed then maybe skip salting your food at the table. However if you make alot of food yourself and alot of the food is whole foods and not processed then it can actually be a good idea to add a little salt.

There are actually alot of people who are obsessed with clean eating and think salt is the worst and they end up drinking 3-5l and not adding any salt to their food and end up with consequences. Also remember if you workout and sweat alot, you need to replace those lost salts/electrolytes!

You can read more HERE, HERE, HERE

I wrote a post about salt intake HERE.


What about sugar? Ive written several posts about sugar and sugar addiction which you can read about instead:

One thing i want to mention though is that in the past i used to think that there was such a thing as a "sugar addiction", now i dont know whether i believe in that. I DO believe that people can be addicted to food and certain types of food for different reasons whether its physical or mental or emotional reasons. But addicted to sugar.... not really. I mean you dont crave actual white sugar... you dont want to get a spoon and put it into a sugar bag. YOU DO however crave certain specific foods which contain both sugar and fat and are very processed. You can get angry, irritated, tired and all of those things if you dont get specific foods, but its not specifically sugar.... compared to caffeine, tobacco, alcohol or drugs... then its that specific drug/substance. But with sugar, i believe its the actual food and the combination of processed white sugar and fat which the person needs. And it can be because the food gives a rush of serotonin and happiness, or it could be that the person needs more energy and a cookie gives that energy or happiness, or it could be that that food just gives a sense of comfort or whatever other reason. But i think it is very important to find the reason that you may be craving the certain sugary processed food..... is it stress, emotions, anxiety, tiredness, physical reasons? It makes it so much easier to deal with those cravings and stop the binges and cravings if you know why they come about.

You can read more from my previous posts about sugar below:

Just remember that sugar isnt necessarily bad. Its all about balance... sometimes all you need is a chocolate cupcake and other times all you need is a raw food ball or a banana. Be ok with eating sugar it wont harm you, but find YOUR balance with sugar. Some people are more sensitive to it, some people need less of it because of a family history with diabetes or others just dont like the taste of sugar so much and thats ok. But find what works for you and most of all, dont be scared of it. Because the anxiety and the fear and the guilt in connection with sugar will harm and hurt you so much more than sugar eaten now and again, ever will!!


Questions about sugar and sugar intake
Is sugar bad?

Lets talk about sugar and carbohydrates

Sugar vs sweetner

Breaking a sugar and diet soda addiction

2 answers - supplement drinks in recovery, how much to eat when you no longer need to gain weight

Dear Izzy,
In recovery what is best? Food or supplement drinks? I personally am thinking its got to be food - in that surely it is better that you get eating regularly again and your body gets used to dealing with food? I am also thinking that by taking supplement drinks - namely Ensure and Fortijuce - you are putting off having "proper food" and its going to be harder to replace them with food once you are weight restored, because your body has got used to these and therefore not got used to eating again. I realise that these drinks are supposed to be taken with food as well but I can`t help thinking having extra actual food would be better in the long run? I would really like your advice on this. I am in the early stages of recovery and have quite a lot of weight to gain but I can`t help thinking I want to gain it by learning how to eat normally again, not through drinking liquid calories. But at the same time I don`t want to be making as awful mistake. Thank you so much if you have the time to reply to this.

Hello,

When it comes to supplement drinks they are just that... supplements. Whether its to supplement/compensate an actual meal or to help reach the required energy in a meal/in a day. First off i think beginning to eat real food is the best as that helps your digestive system to start working again and to begin digesting and breaking down food as well as beginning to chew and taste different foods, figure out what you like and dont like but also to get used to the "full feeling". I know at Mando some people refused to eat the food and just drank supplement drinks instead of meals (as often as possible) as they wanted to avoid feeling full as well as found that supplement drinks felt more "safe" compared to food, but in the long run that is not healthy or a good option as you need to learn to eat and be ok with eating.

Supplement drinks in my opinion should be drank when 1) you need more calories but you cant quite reach that calorie goal with just food because of the quantitiy amount you would have to eat, 2) sometimes it is just easier to drink 1-2 supplement drinks to get the energy. So maybe you start off with a meal plan and keep following that and successively add more food but then you might reach a point where you need more calories but cant fit the extra food into you, then supplement drinks are good :)

I drank 2-3 supplement drinks a day  (or 1 scandishake and 1 ensure drink) as well as a meal plan with alot of food when i was in recovery and i would have wanted to eat food instead of the supplement drinks and when i was at home i was allowed to eat real food instead of the drinks. But it did also mean eating ALOT of food which was tough at times, so the supplement drinks are beneficial in the sense that you dont have to feel sick from being so full.

Start off with food and have the supplement drinks as extra when needed, i remember when i began working out again i was told to drink an extra ensure each day or eat 2 extra sandwiches and it was easier to just drink the ensure sometimes.

I have a question I would be so thankful if you answered.
I have a mealplan for 2500 calories which I'm not sure when I should start to cut down on or if the body ever just maintain a normal weight without gaining on this mealplan and I instead of cutting down, should keep following the mealplan until it does? Every recommendation for a girl in my age is 2000-2200 so I have hard to believe I could continue eating 2500 without gaining...

When it comes to after recovery/maintaining weight i dont often recommend cutting out food or loweirng your calories because then you can end up getting stuck in the mindset of i need to only eat X amount of calories otherwise i will gain when that isnt the case. If you have gained weight by resting and following your meal plan, then when you are weight restored you might begin living life more and going to school or work, going into town or just being more "active" in a sense that you werent before and that usually leads to balance. But otherwise things such as cutting out juice (when i was in recovery i drank 3 or 4 glasses of 300ml juice a day, so just by cutting out one or two of those glasses i would have made a "balance" however as i began eating intuitively before i reached my goal weight i never had to think about cutting out food, instead just finding balance), or maybe changing a high calorie snack to something a little less calorie dense. HOWEVER i find it very wrong to right about how to cut out food because your goal when you reach your healthy weight is to find balance with food and eat intuitive.... maybe when you get closer to your healthy weight you begin eating breakfast and snacks more freely... i.e whatever you feel like and somedays the breakfast or snacks might be bigger or smaller than the previous day. And then eventually eating more freely with lunch and dinner such as that the portion sizes or what food you eat doesnt have to be exactly the right amount. This is both to get comfortable with food, listening to your body and finding balance with food. More towards intutive eating and listening to your body compared to following a meal plan where you have to cut down on food because your body should adapt and you will feel hungry at the times you eat as well as for the portion sizes, so it doesnt make sense to suddenly take away a snack if you are hungry for that snack.

Its a learning process and takes time, but your body should stabilize itself and like i said, usually after gaining weight you begin to do more - even if its not everyday - you are still more active in some sense and that can usually lead to a balance, but let it take time.

Answers - recommended intake of fruit and veg, bloating and intolerances, stretching stomach size

How many portions of fruit and veg do you think you really need to have? I've recently heard people going on about 9! Which doesn't seem very easily attainable without losing other food groups, I probably have about 7 portions fruit and veg on an average day?

From research/studies c.a 500g fruit and vegetables per day is the recommendation in sweden anyway, and that doenst count potatoes even if potatoes are a great source of vitamins, minerals and vitamin C :)

How much a person needs varies i think, for example if someone needs alot of calories but cant eat alot of voume then maybe just 2-3 servings fruit is suggested whereas someone who never feels full and needs to lose weight then more vegetables and fruit is recommended. But the recommendation is set to help people reach the right amount of vitamins and minerals which you can lose out on if you are just eating pasta and bacon (example.). But aim to just eat some fruit/veg with every meal is my suggestion.... for example, a banan for breakfast, cooked vegetables or salad with lunch, some berries or an apple with your afternoon snack, maybe even some carrots. And for dinner eat another portion of veggies and for a night snack you can always add in cucumber, tomatoes, carrots with some dip or make a smoothie or a fruit salad and then you are up to 5-6 portions of fruit and veg per day. So if you eat varied its not so difficult, but of course the amount of calories you need also impacts how much fruit and veg you eat :)

You aren't posting alot about veganism anymore? :(
Haha i dont have much to write about it at the moment, but if you have any questions just comment below :) Ive already made so many posts about veganism but i can write more if someone is interested! :) Whether its about veganism, climate, sustainability, recipes, nutrition etc


Like the writer below, i have relatively constant bloating. i have noticed that there are several foods that make it much worse. Should i try to go without these foods, or just keep eating them so that my body can get used to them? Thank you for responding.
Whether you shoudl eliminate foods or not is very hard to answer online when i dont know anything about you or your diet or how long you have been in recovery or what type of symptoms you have. The bloating could be due to anything and bloating is normal... if its alot of pains or weird bowel movements then it might be something more "serious". But sometimes you just bloat for completely normal reasons, maybe its due to lactose and you dont have as much of the enzyme lactase to break it down, or maybe you eat alot of fiber which can cause bloating or maybe you are more sensitive to fermentable carbohydrates or maybe you have IBS symptoms, it can vary so much. If the bloating is combined with alot of pain then an elimination process can be done, HOWEVER those types of processes are short term and should be done in the right way as it can lead to deficiencies if you dont do it in the right way. I.e you cant just take a food or food group away without replacing it with something else and then the question is... what do you replace it with so that your diet is still nutritionally complete and adequate. So if you suspect that you are intolerant to something, go to a dietician. You can keep a food diary and maybe just see if something you ate/some type of meal makes it worse but do talk to a professional before you begin mixing with your diet :)

Hi Izzy - could you tell me what the best way of "stretching" your stomach is - as in getting it used to eating larger quantities of food/bulkier,heavier, different foods than you are currently used to? Is it better just to eat more food at a time or eat more frequently throughout the day? I ask because I really need to adjust my portion sizes as I am not eating nearly enough and my diet is really made up of light, easy to digest foods. However I realise that I need to be able to eat more of a variety/type of food and was wondering how is best to go about this?
My best suggestion is to eat a little more than usual/a little more than satisifed/comfortable at each meal. I.e you will feel an uncomfortable fullness but over time you stomach stretches and adapts :) I.e theportion sizes now i could NEVER have eaten back when i was sick, back then i got full with 10% of the portion sizes i eat now but over the years i have stretched my stomach size so i can eat very large portions, even if my portions are made up of alot of vegetables which also adds to fullness. (When i was binging and purging that also stretched my stomach, and it never really shrunk haha)
So you might feel uncomfortable for a few weeks, but it will be worth it when you can eat normal portions again :) And no certain food will help strretch, even if they say drinking more water can help however i believe that will just fill you up without actually helping you increase portion sizes. 

Coping with eating disorder memories - past traumatic events, being in hospital

Comment:

Not related but I really really need help with coping with the trauma of having recovered. Not so much the fact of having an eating disorder and now being better, but the hospital and the the appointments. I just want to forget that I was ever in hospital. It was the worst time of my life and I feel horrible and dirty and mortified when I think of the things my family saw like me in a wheelchair and those ghastly appointments like I hate that they might still see me in that way. I felt like a stupid animal being forced to the vets or something. I cannot describe how much I hated one of the nurses I was assigned just the thought of his disgusting patronising voice ruins my day. I just feel these horrible memories of last summer RUIN MY LIFE FOREVER. I try to not think about it and then when I do it's horrible like even the things that were the better parts of the time now make me feel really really upset. I just cannot explain it does anyone understand?????? I just wish that everyone would forget that ever happened 
I don't want these memories they make my life miserable like I can be doing alright and then I'm suddenly back on that ward and I hate it I feel like a freak and it impacts socially too 
And just I'm really upset that this will be ruining my life forever

My answer:

Ive written some posts about this subject HERE, HERE, HERE and HERE and HERE

I know exactly what you mean and i have suffered the same feeling and thoughts and all i can say is that time heals all wounds. Of course i can say that i am still scarred in some sense from my time in hospital, it was something that was very traumatic and scarring in some sense. I still get anxiety and panic attacks when going to the hospital, i dont like or trust doctors, i cant talk to therapists and at times i get nightmares that i am locked up in hospital again... one of my biggest fears and unfortunatly there might be times that i have to be inpatient because of my CF health and that scares me so incredibly. I have been threatened to go into inpatient care i.e get 2 weeks of IV antibiotics for my CF health care but it terrified me so much that i got to just take normal antibiotics instead. Ive spent alot of time in hospital because of my CF but the 1,5 years i spent as inpatient/day patient in the different eating disorder treatment centres did sort of fuck me up in some sense and for pretty much 3 years after i was released from Mando i couldnt sleep away from home... i didnt like travelling for many reasons but one of them was that i didnt like sleep in someone elses bed/away from home, i would rather travel home at 3am in the morning than to sleep at a friends house. And it wasnt until i was together with my boyfriend at the time that i actually felt ok sleeping somewhere else than my own bed.  But the nightmares of being trapped in hospital again still scare me, and my freedom tattoo also represents being free from hospital.

However the fear lessens for each year that passes and i am sure it will do the same thing for you.

And when it comes to feeling embarrassed about how you acted or that your parents or friends had to deal with you or your behaviour, just remember that it was the past you.... just focus on who you are now. Yes, you were sick in the past. Yes you might have been in hospital and in a wheelchair but that is not you now. It will be a part of your past and you cant change that, but you can atleast do your best that you never end up back in that situation again.

Now a days - i.e 5 years since being free from Mando, i can actually joke about my behaviour and actions when i was sick. I can joke about that i used to throw food onto the ground, that i used to hide food under my plate or that i would give evil glances to my sister when she saw me messing with my food. I can joke about the silly things i did and joke about how different i was.... of course some jokes my family dont find funny but i can atleast laugh about it and sometimes that is all you can do. Laugh about what you used to do and learn and grow from it.

When you begin to think about the past and you begin to feel panicked or angry or embaressed, express those feelings. Dont bottle them and dont feel ashamed.

I would also recommend maybe you talk to your family about this.... are there somethings you need to talk about? Ask how they feel or what their thoughts are. 

With both my mum and my sister i have talked with them about their experiences when i was sick, how they felt and how they coped... so much that i wasnt aware of. Of course that made me feel even more guilty knowing that i caused them so much distress, worry, sadness and learning that they both went to therapy while i was sick (i was completely unknowing of this at the time.). .But it also helped to talk about it... and for me to share some of my thoughts which i had never shared with them before. It helped us all have a better understanding and i think it was also a way for us to move forward and move on. It will always be a part of our past, for me and my whole family and we all experienced those years differently and had our lives and our thoughts changed in some way or another but we all grew threw it.

 That is one of the things you need to remember that the people close to you will also suffer in some way and its not just you who is impacted by your eating disorder, even if you are all impacted in different ways and to different degrees. But i remember while i was sick i thought, if i killed myself nobody would care... everyone would move on with their lives like i didnt exist. If anything they would be happy that i was gone, that *me*, the burden and problem child would be gone so that they wouldnt have to deal with me or my problems. Of course when i recovered i realised that if i had killed myself it wouldnt have taken my familys problems or sadness away, if anything i would have put my depression and my problems onto my family and i would have taken the easy way out.... not had to deal with my emotions or feelings or thoughts and instead cause so much more sadness and pain onto my family which is something i would never want to do.

But as mentioned, sometimes talking about the past is exactly what you need to. Never feel ashamed about what you put your family through, you didnt choose to be sick, but you did choose to recover and that is what you need to remember and be proud of. And i am sure that your family and friends are just happy that you are healthy now and that is all that matters.

Grow and learn from your past and know that with time hopefully those feelings and thoughts will pass and that they wont bother you so much/as much. However do consider therapy if it gets worse, dont keep these thoughts to yourself.

And when it comes to hospital appointments, one day you will be free from them. I still go a follow up program at Mando i.e in autumn it will be my last time forever (!!!) as that will be my 5th year of the follow up program but i still HATE going there. I dislike seeing the staff and certain staff members there impacted me so negatively and i still despise them in someway because they treated me like an animal.... they didnt treat me like a human being with feelings or emotions instead they spoke over my head and didnt take my thoughts or what i said into consideration and that still bothers me. Sure i was sick, but i was still a human being who needed to be listened to. Of course i wont go into detail of what they said or how they treated me but i can say that it was not right and there were times my mum had to step in because their behaviour was not how it should have been.  However i also know that all the staff and doctors were doing their job and trying to help me, so 98% of the all the doctors and staff i just forgive and move on and am thankful for their help, but a few staff from the different places i have been at, thinking about them can make me angry.

I wish i could give you some more advice about this but i hope this helps in some way, and maybe other readers have more advice or experience to share.

And some more previous posts about this topic:

Nightmares

Coping with ED memories

**TRIGGER WARNING PHOTOS**

Changing habits in eating disorder recovery

When you are recovering you need to get rid of all the bad eating disorder habits and routines you have. It is said that it takes 21 days to form a habit, though i am not sure how long it takes to break a habit.... but it takes a while anyway. And if it is a habit or routine you have had for a long time it can take even longer to break, but sometimes you need new routines and habits. Especially if the ones you have are unhealthy and destructive. 

When you are changing habits and routines it can often cause some form of stress, anxiety and guilt... you are doing something different. Stepping outside of your comfort zone.... for example if you are the type of person to get up at 10am everyday and then you start working and have to get up at 6am everyday. In the beginning it is tough, you dont like it and it feels strange. But eventually you adapt and learn to go to bed earlier and not feel as tired in the morning and then suddenly getting up at 6am is no longer a problem, it is the same with other habits and routines. In the beginnig it is tough, but then you learn to cope and adapt and it gets better and you form better and hopefully healthier habits. The worst thing you can do is go from one unhealthy habit to another one... for example if you wak everywhere all the time and you decide to break that habit but instead end up spending 3 hours at the gym each day to compensate, that isnt really forming a healthier habit, instead you are just compensating.

    

So be prepared for anxiety and some guilt, though it doesnt have to be that way.... infact some habits or routines are very easily broken once you atleast TRY. Others take longer time and are harder to break.

Begin with slowly changing one of your habits... for example if you do X amount of squats/sit ups etc etc in the morning/evenings etc then try halfing the amount you do, then eventually every second day dont do them at all and eventually dont do them at all.... and hopefully someday doing x squats and sit ups before bed wont even be a thought of yours because you know that they are unnecessary. 

Try to slowly change your habits and cut down, find a healthy way to cope with anxiety such as talking, writing, drawing, listening to music, meditating etc Sit with the anxiety, take deep breathes and know that it will get better and easier in time. It is always hardest in the beginning, but if you keep going, then it wont be as hard anymore. Give yourself 4-8 weeks where you keep trying each day to get rid of the habit(s) and routine(s) you have.

The goal is that you will be free, that you will have habits and routines that are healthy ones.... ones that arent compulsive or obsessive, but ones you can live with and be happy with.

Setting up goals or ultimatums or telling someone else of your plan to change the habits can be a good way as they can help motivate you. Or get someone else to help you make the change or to change with you, it can all be ways to motivate you :)

Some other posts which might help:

What happens if i dont want to make a change

Get comfortable with being uncomfortable 

Some habits you need to get rid of 

It will get better if you make it better

Changing old habits and learning to cope

Recovery is not just about reaching a certain weight 

How to be ok with being single - feeling like you need to be in a relationship

Comment 1: Are you dating anyone? And if not do you have any advice on being ok with being single? It feels like everyone is in a relationship and I want to be in one as well.

Comment 2: Same! I feel anxious that no one will ever love me because I dislike a lot of things about myself and then on top of that I'm shy and anxious so I come across even worse than I am and I feel like no boy will ever get to know me well enough to like me- when I like a boy I find it harder than normal to think of anything to say that isn't super dull.... It can be hard not to feel unworthy because you're single.


First off, you have to remember that a reltionship does not define your worth. You do not need to be in a relationship to feel worthy of love or to feel like you are "ok" and another person should not complete you... being in a relationship you can go grow and learn together with another person. You are still an independant individual, just that you choose to share your life with another person, but that person is also another independant individual.

Am i dating anyone? At the moment no. During last autumn and the start of the year i was dating different people (not at the same time!), it was fun and all but at the same time i didnt know what i wanted. I didnt think it was fair to person i was dating to just go on lots of dates but not know what i wanted or wether i actually wanted to commit to something. At the moment i am just focused on school, my friends and life... and now work, i dont feel the need to be in a relationship. I dont feel the need to change my routines and adapt to another person, and i dont really know if i want to be in a relationship. Of course i do miss the good times of my past relationship, i miss being so comfortable with another person, i miss just feeling happy being around another person and wanting to see them and spend time with them. I miss the good memories and wish i could just skip the awkward dating of new people to get to that comfortable stage, but that of course takes time haha.

I dont know if i am the best person to ask about dating advice or how to be ok with being single because i have never been someone who has needed to be in a relationship. .Ive never been worried that i will be forever single or that no one will ever love me, and i have never put my worth in wether someone approves of me or not. I am not someone who needs to be in a relationship or spends all my time thinking about another person or being in a relationship.... this of course can also be a problem because i am a little too independant, even when i was in in a relationship it was almost like i forgot about it and was far too independant and thought "i am on my own."

Just because others are in a relationship doesnt mean you have to be as well. It doesnt mean that something is wrong with you or that you are unloved, it just means that you havent found the right person for you now and that is ok. Being in a relationship just because wont last, it wont bring you happiness either. And trust me, its better to be single living your life than going through a bunch of meaningless relationships and either you having to end it or your partner having to end things. 

Instead of focusing on being in a relationship or thinking you are "nothing or worthless" because you are single focus on finding yourself. On building up your self esteem and confidnce and being happy on your own. Be happy with being single and spending time with yourself. Focus on your life and your goals and your dreams. Eventually you will find the right person even if it takes 1 year or 10 years, its ok.... ITS OK TO BE SINGLE and that is the important thing to remember. You can live your life, focus on yourself and be happy. Be ok with being yourself and find your own worth! Be an independant person who can manage on their own.

Sure relationships are nice when you find the right one and that is what you want to find.... the right person, someone you can feel compatible with. Grow with. Not have to change everything about yourself or your life for someone, not feel like you need to be someone else, find someone that supports and motivates you and doesnt hold you back. Sometimes i think that when you arent searching so much, the right person will come along, and maybe in unexpected ways. Dont force a relationship!

And if you are wondering how to meet people, thinking that you never meet people so you will never meet a potential partner then maybe try starting a new group or find a hobby where you meet people with the same interests. Or go to worksshops or other social events where you can talk to people and connect with people. Because who knows... it might just be a random stranger's brothers friend that you end up in a relationship with just because you said "hi" to that stranger and eventually added him on FB. hahahha. Who knows!!

Build up your own self confidence and live your life!!! You are more than a relationship status!!