Why your lowest healthy weight might not be your actual healthy weight

Many people in recovery seem to think that if they just reach their lowest healthy weight, often BMI 18 or 18,5 , then thats enough. Then they are recovered and they will maintain their weight and they wont need to gain anymore weight... a type of compromise. Ill reach the absaloute lowest "ok" weight (which at times is even 16,5 or 17 when some doctors or dieticians get lazy and say "thats good enough") and then wont have to gain anymore weight.

But that is not how it works. You can not decide which weight your body will settle at. BMI 18,5 has just been set as an "Ok marker" based on different factors but it is also very individual. Just because one person maintains and is healthy at bmi 18,5 doesnt mean that everyone else does as well. Some people - infact most people - gain more weight and settle at a higher bmi often BMI 21,22,23 and there is nothing wrong with that, you are not doing recovery wrong. Instead that is rather healthy... it means that you are letting your body find its own healthy set point. It might feel scary thinking, will the weight gain never stop. But it does eventually... you just have to remember that most people wont maintain a very low BMI after an eating disorder if they arent naturally very skinny or unless they still use controlling methods to maintain their weight. But most people after an eating disorder gain more than the absaloute minimum and there are plenty of positive reasons why.

The body is under a lot of stress when you have an eating disorder. Organs and bones and muscles are all affected and often for the body to feel safe again and for hormonal balance it means that your body is at a safe weight, and not just balancing between healthy weight and underweight. Also it takes time for your intestines to start working properly and for all other organs in your body to get the right energy and nutrition and balance in the body to function as they should. Not to mention that having a higher weight (i.e a completly normal healthy weight that isnt just on the edge of underweight) is recommended because if you get a cold, stomach bug, life happens and you lose your appetite or dont have alot of food or need to fight a bad infection, then you wont automatically end up underweight just because you lose some weight. But also not being underweight HELPS your body to recover better from most things, as well as generally having more energy.

You can not choose your healthy set point, it varies. But also it varies over life and how your lifestyle is. Trying to manically maintain a certain weight just because you dont want to be higher than X kg isnt healthy. Controlling your weight isnt healthy, instead trying to let it settle and maintain itself. You should not need to calorie count or track obsessively to maintain your weight, instead your body should find its balance so that it keeps you there. And whether your healthy weight settles at BMI 19 or 24 shouldnt matter... where your body settles is where it is healthiest.

Dont try to compromise with your eating disorder because it will always try to keep you at a low weight and eating little. Your eating disorder will never be happy and compromising by saying "ill reach the lowest healthy BMI and then stop there" isnt always how it works in reality, your body will more than likely settle at a higher weight if you just try to find balance and not control.

Of course my recommendations are often to not weigh yourself or calorie count but often that has to be done in recovery to make sure that you are eating enough as well as gaining weight. But the goal should be to move away from those things so that you can live a life where your body works as it should and maintains your weight - with the normal fluctuations of up and down - and you dont need to track or calorie count for that to happen.

Gve your body time to recover and heal. You might even notice that you at first gain up to BMI 22 or 23 and then just naturally lose weight as your body settles at a lower weight or MAYBE IT DOESNT. Everyone is different and everyone has different healthy set points, so never compare your weight or body to someone else, it wont help you!

I hope this comes as a reminder to you all. Less focus on weight, more focus on happy and healthy and let your weight take care of itself. The important thing is to be a healthy weight and whether that is X or Ykg doesnt matter.

Healthy while underweight?

I often get asked whether a person really needs to gain the last few kilo or whether they have to be a healthy/normal weight to be declared healthy. Why cant they stay underweight... because they like the way they look? Im sure many might recognize that type of thinking.

i used to think that way as well. When i was struggling with trying to gain the last few kilo, not even trying to gain weight because i was scared. I thought i would be fat, that i would hate myself. I was scared to let go. I was still controlling my food, i still had fear foods. I didnt want to gain weight. This is a bit i wrote from a post back then:

So why? and again Why.... does Mando care so much about the number on the scale... it doesnt make me any healthier becase i weigh 3kg more..
  the fact is... i know i will feel shit.. ok, im not being a so good role model at the moment... but im just a person.. this is my feelings and thoughts.
  And i know that i will mentally feel worse if i gain 3 more kilo...  i dont know.. i dont know what to do...?

But the truth is.... That those last few kilo made a difference to my mental state. It gave me extra energy, it helped me fight my mental thoughts. It helped me overcome my fears, it helped me overcome my fear foods. It helped me learn to accept my body, to love my body. I had energy to do the thing which i love - exercise and to become stronger.
    I thought i would be fat, that i would hate myself. I didnt want to let go of my ED i didnt want to be normal. But i did let go and i felt better. Granted, i might not have liked my body everyday. I did struggle at times... at times i didnt like what i saw in the mirror but i had more energy and i was stronger so i could fight those thoughts. Instead of resorting to starvation i would eat something extra and know that those thoughts would go away becaus e i was stronger than the voice in my head.

So if you think that you can be underweight and still be healthy - you are wrong. You are compromising with your eating disorder. you arent letting your ED go.... you are just trying to make ti easier for you. Which isnt what you should do. Instead you need to make things uncomfortable for you, you need to face the anxiety, do things that scare you.
  Some people are naturally very thin and underweight and maybe you were one of those... but forget about that. Because after you have an eating  disoder you NEED to be a healthy weight c.a BMI 19+ you cant be underweight. Your body neeeds to be a healthy weight, have energy to function properly to repair itsself. So if you were naturally underweight or lower weight before your ED... well who cares. So was I..... i had never been a normal BMI in my life until after i was declared healthy from anorexia. I had always been underweight and struggled with my weight growing up. But that doesnt matter because weight and BMI shouldnt matter when you are healthy... not whether my BMI is 20 or 22 i dnot know, but what matters is that i am happy and healthy, that i have energy and can live my life.

You need to let go of numbers, let go of the scale and STOP compromising with your ED. Ask yourself why being a certain BMI or weight is so important? Nobody else knows your mass or BMI so what should it matter... why is it so important to be underweight... does it make you a better person? No it doesnt... so stop aiming for underweight. Think of what you are putting your body through.

TO be healthy, you also need a healthy weight and if you cant accept that then you cant have a very healthy mind either.

What would x lbs either way really, realistically change about you as a person?

What would x lbs either way really, realistically change about you as a person?

1. Make a list of things, without really thinking about it too hard. For example, “If I lost five pounds, I would finally be able to ___.” Whatever you put in the ___ is an ultimate goal; “losing x lbs” is a proxy goal. So if you wrote “…I would finally be able to love myself,” then self-love would be an ultimate goal. Note that these “ultimate goals” have to be about you and no one else — so “then I would be able to be loved by others" is not an ultimate goal, but "I would be able to accept love from others" would be. You are the subject here, not the object.
2. Go through the list and evaluate how realistic each statement is. Consider whether torturing yourself, denying yourself the necessities of life, being at war with your body, sounds like something that would lead to those ultimate goals. 
3. Brainstorm more effective and healthier ways to use that same amount of energy and time to reach your ultimate goal — like using coping skills, finishing a project, strengthening relationships with friends and family, etc. 
4. Consider if someone you love (like a younger sibling, or a cousin) came up to you and asked how to achieve those same ultimate goals. What advice would you give them? Would you advise that they starve themselves, or throw up their food, putting their life and sanity at risk? Would you say that the only way they are worthwhile is if their body looks a certain way? 
5. If the answer is “no” for them, then the answer is “no” for you, too. In fact, the answer is “no” for everyone, since, again, body shape has no bearing on how good of a person you are.

Source: X

Answers - weight

Would you share your current weight?

Between 62-64kg... though i only get weighed at the CF clinic every 4-8 weeks, and thats the weight ive been at for the past year or so :)

How long was it at your healthy weight your period came back
A few months. You have to give your body time to feel safe and healthy... but also remember that doing too much exercise can prolong the time it takes to get your period back.

what made you see weight is just a fluctuating number?
I was never someone who was super obsessed with the scale as we never had a scale at home. However i did feel very freaked out and got anciety about the number... i never really had a goal weight i wanted to be at... i just wanted to lose weight and felt i wasnt allowed to eat. But then during recovery once i found out about my goal weight it set off alarms in my head and it took me 1,5 years until i accepted that i had to weigh that number.
  But like i said in my post a few days ago, once my case manager told me that if i was actually healthy then the number shouldnt matter to me. That really hit me and i realised that it was just a number, that my goal was to be happy. TO be healthy, to live my life. Not to weigh a certain number. I tried to stop focusing so much on numbers... on calories, clothes sizes, calories burned, hours exercised etc etc They were just numbers.
  For me it helped alot that i didnt have a scale at home, i think my obsession and fear of weight would have been even worse if we had a scale at home. But when i was only being weighed every 2 weeks or so it made it easier to instead focus on other things... focus on being happy and healthy. Doing things i enjoyed, eating.. not thinking about whether it made me gain weight or not.
  It also helped me to realise that some weeks when i ate LOADS, and had eaten ice cream and chocolate all week and really tried to gain weight and rested i hadnt gained weight. It made me realise that gaining weight isnt as easy as just eating an extra apple.
   
Also, once i decided that i wanted ot be healthy. I wanted to be declared healthy i had to realise that there was no way out of gaining the weight, i HAD to do it.I could spend years going back and forth, not actually trying to recover, just half trying... or i could really try. Really give full recovery a go.
   I was also give an ultimatum from my case manager. I was only going to Mando once every 2 weeks or so but she told me that if i didnt try to gain weight i would be back to day patients from 8-4pm and i didnt want that. I didnt want to go backwards, i wanted to go forwards. So that helped me to not panic so much about weight and weight gain because i knew what was waiting for me if i didnt gain weight. And i wanted to avoid it all costs.
   So sometimes an ultimatum or a kick in the behind is exactly what you need.

But like ive written many times, weight is just a number... i mean i weigh more now than before. More than i ever thought i would. I was so focused on the numbers, the number on the scale determined my happiness, determined how i was feeling. But now, well if i weigh 62kg one day and wake up and weigh 64kg the next day, it wouldnt really make so much difference to me. Though i mean if i were to wake up and weigh say 68kg and have no reason why, then i would feel a little worried, if it was an unknown weight gain just like if i woke up and weighed 58kg, then i would feel a little panicked, not knowing why i had lost weight. But its not the actual number that would bother me, it would be not knowing why it had happened.
  Though as we dont have a scale at home i really dont know my weight, but ive kept a pretty stable weight for the past 2 years  ;);)

Not my best advice about this subject, but i hope it helps a little. haha.

recovery reminder

Dealing with weight gain in recovery

*not my post*

Dealing with Weight Gain in Recovery

Recovery challenges are also super helpful in general, though these are the more body image-specific ones:

• How to Take Care of Yourself During A Bad Body Image Day
• Recovery Challenge: Notice Your Body
• 10 Ways to Improve Body Image
• Spend More Time Naked (weird but it has actually been super helpful for me)
• Use the good body image days to help with the bad
• Try varying your “visual diet” Related: “body pics” tag, FAQ #10 (another fave of mine)
• What would x lbs either way really, realistically change about you as a person?
• Write A Letter to Your Body

Also, I find affirmations SUPER helpful; here is a guide to making your own, as well as some sample affirmations:

• "I trust my body to ask for what it needs. It has our best interests at heart!"
• "I am a full person, NOT just the shape of my body or the number on the scale."
• "This part of recovery is hard but I’m working on it."
• “‘Perfect’ is overrated — I want to be happy/healthy/well!”
• "This weight is just more to love!"
• "I deserve to take up as much space as I need; if necessary, I will make space for myself. I do not have to shrink for ANYONE. I am important."
• "I am worthy of love at any weight! My weight is completely irrelevant to my lovableness."

Weight gain in recovery

Weight gain in recovery is something which is quite uncontrollable. You think you can control it, but you can't really. The body does what it wants. ... you could be eating the same amount but one week gain 0,5kg the next week lose 0,5kg and the following week gain 1 kg. ... It all depends on how the body reacts. 

Some weeks your body retains water due to stress or hormones and you can gain 1-4 kg in a week just from water weight... that is often what happens in the beginning of recovery and weight gain. After that the normal amount to gain weight is 0,5-1kg.  I have had many people at the moment write to me and panic that they have gained 1 kg in a week. DONT panic. Trust me, it's ok. You shouldn't feel bad or guilty, this is just how the body behaves this week.... next week you might just gain 0,3kg even though you ate the same amount. .. or maybe you gain 1kg again next week.

 That's ok as well... your body could be stressed or just working well and absorbing the food. And that's a good thing, in recovery don't see weight gain as a bad thing.... Weight gain shouldn't go too fast i.e gaining 2kg each week because then neither your body or mental state have the time to adapt either. 

But you don't want weight gain to take forever either. ... Once you are your normal weight, choices begin to open up again. You can do more things.... Begin to love and accept your body.  Learn to live life and find a balanced way of eating, not just focusing on weight gain and worrying how you will look when yiu are your normal weight.
 

  A good thing to remember though is that you want your mental state to progress as well as your physical state. Recovery isn't just about weight gain... its about fighting the ED thoughts,  facing your fears. 
   Don't panic about the number on the scale or how much you gain weight. Just know that it's good that you have gained weight.  Its a positive thing and dont let your ED tell you otherwise.  Fight the guilt and know that your body behaves differently each day and week and that's not always something you can control.     

Here are some posts which might help you:

Gaining weight after anorexia - what to expect

How to cope with weight gain

Stages of recovery

Weight distribution and how to gain weight

Weight gain in recovery & how to cope.

I was wondering how you dealt with weight gain in your recovery? Do you have any advice on how to deal with it?

I have quite a few posts about just this topic, so i thought that i would share them with you instead, but of coruse if you need more advice Just comment or email me :)

  But hopefully you get some advice and help through my old posts :)

http://living-with-anorexia.blogspot.se/2013/02/how-to-cope-with-weight-gain_3.html
 http://living-with-anorexia.blogspot.se/2014/01/coping-with-recovery-weight-gain.html
http://living-with-anorexia.blogspot.se/2014/01/gaining-last-few-kilos.html 
http://living-with-anorexia.blogspot.se/2013/12/gaining-weight-after-anorexia-what-to.html
http://living-with-anorexia.blogspot.se/2014/01/stress-of-weight-gain.html

Dont let the number on the scale scare you

**I write numbers... could be triggering?**

Something which i thought i would write about - quickly - is about the scale.... Its so easy to stand on the scale, holding your breathe, not wanting to see the number but at the same time wanting to see it. Wnating to know exactly how much you weigh.... And can i just ask why? Why is it so important to know how much you weigh?
 You dont measure your height everyday....  you dont take an IQ test everyday, you dont count the amount of breaths you take each day, so why weigh yourself everyday... worry about a number. A number that doesnt even define you.... Nobody else sees or knows the number apart from you.
   I weigh more than some people i know who are roughly the same height, but we look completely different. Nothing alike at all.... what does it matter if i have a heavier weight than them. That just means that my mass to the ground is heavier.. but it could be due to water, bones, muscle, fat, hair etc...All these different reasons.

Also remember that the number on the scale changes ALL the time. All throughout the day. If you weigh yourself first thing in the morning, after going to the bathroom you will be your lightest... but if you weigh yourself after you eat you will most probably weigh 0,5kg+ and if you weigh yourself in the evening after eating and drinking you can weigh anything from 1-2+kg.... have you gained 1kg fat? No you havent. Its water & food and other things.
   You dont just gain a kilo of fat just like that... trust me, we would all be overweight then.

Yesterday, Monday when i first weighed myself at the CF clinic i weighed 63kg. I thought nothing of it as i vary between 63-65kg. And then today when i had to weigh myself again i weighed 63,9kg....
  So, did i gain 900g over one night? **OOoopps, it might have been all the salted nuts and home made bread i ate? O_O *JOKE*
  No, of course not. I had different clothing, different time of day, had just drunk water etc etc

So DONT panic over the scale. DONT weigh yourself... not more than once per week, and then try to do it at the same time - in the morning after going to the bathroom.
 But dont step on the scale in the evening or after eating.... Because thats NOT EVEN logical? Of course you will weigh more then. But its nothing more than food weight, and like your body bloating...

Get rid of the fear of the scale and the fear of the number on the scale. WHAT does it matter to you? Your weight is individual... you NEED a healthy weight.

You all know, deep down that the number on the scale doesnt matter. So what if it says 55kg or 60kg? The MOST important is that you are a healthy weight... whether that healthy weight for you is 50kg or 65kg, well blame your height and age. NOT your doctor. If you want to weigh 40kg, well then wish that you are 130cm or something.  
   If you are like 170cm+ then YES you will have to weigh more than someone who is 150cm... So DONT compare weight. If you are taller, have more muscle, have a stronger build then yes, you will weigh more than someone who is shorter or more petite... but it doesnt make you bigger or fatter than them, not necessarily anyway.

Weight distrbution and how to gain weight

Hi izzy! I love your page, I check it every day and it's really helping me recover. I was wondering if you had any advice on weight gain areas, my arms and shoulders are horrible and I'm ashamed to have them out, but my legs are the opposite, it's like the fat automatically goes there! Are there any foods the distribute themselves around the body better than others? Also, I'm not gaining weight as fast as I would like so if you have any tips / ideas to increase that it would be great

First off, thank you so much!! :) And second... there are no foods that will 'distribute themselves to certain areas'. Your body takes care of all of that. You just need to eat enough food.
  Everybody is different some people gain weight at their hips, thighs, stomach, legs etc first. You cant really decide that. At the start of recovery, most weight goes to your stomach as it is trying to protect your inner organs and also alot of bloating is involved. But over time - whether its weeks or months, i cant tell you. Your body begins to distribute the weight.

I naturally have very skinny arms and upper body, and my weight goes to my lower part i.e legs, thighs and hips & stomach. So when i was recovering i looked a bit disproportionate, or so i thought anyway. While i was sick i had gotten the so called 'thigh gap' but as my body structure is not made for that, the gap quickly disappeared and most of the weight went to my hips and legs and i still had sticks for arms. But over time the weight begin to distribute and i looked more 'balanced'!! haha

  Give it time and you will see that your body will begin to balance and even itsself out. However there isnt so much you can do as to where the weight will go. However if you feel that your arms are really skinny compared to the rest of your body, dont be scared to strength train.
    One thing which i love about strength training is how i now have stronger arms!! Because all my life my arms and even legs have been like sticks... ive been so weak, but now i feel more proportionate in my body... :)
   
You just need to eat more to gain weight and let your body take care of the rest!!!

And for gaining weight... well its all about eating more!! Try to cut out as much activity and exercise as possible, and eat MORE. Think about eating BIGGER portions. Drinking juice/milk/smoothies/milkshakes to meals. Prioritizing carbohydrates and protein before vegetables. Eating small desserts, like bars, home made small nut/dried fruit balls, chocolate, fruit, yoghurt etc
Eating 5-7 meals a day. Eating more calorie dense food.
   Dont choose low fat or low calorie foods because that is not helping you. If you arent gaining weight, its because you arent eating enough. I know it can feel like you are eating ENOUGH, but clearly you arent because you arent gaining weight. While i was at Mando i was eating around 3000+ calories with NO exercise. Of course that was just for me, but it shows you how much you actually do need to gain weight. Some need less, and soem need more.
  So keep increasing your meals until you start gaining weight. Dont be scared to switch your oatmeal to granola with full fat yoghurt or your fruit salad to chocolate or veggies to root vegetables etc etc
  
Make choices like go for full fat products.
Granola/muslie instead of cornflakes etc
Bread instead of crisp bread
Butter instead of low fat spread
The WHOLE egg instead of just egg whites 

etc etc

^^ Now dont get me wrong, those types of foods you can STILL eat even if you dont want to gain weight :) I eat all of those types of food and i dont gain weight... to gain weight its about eating MORE. And with maintaining its about finding the balance :)

Hopefully this helps, otherwise its just to ask me :)

Im wieght restored, what happens now?

I got asked if i could write a post about, when you are weight restored.
   I could say, that its now the hardwork begins. But thats not really the case, because recovery and gaining weight is a challenge. Physical and mental. But when you are weight restored, its a different type of challenge.
   Suddenly you weigh more than what your ED wants you to. And you something which you have struggled with (gaining weight) for a certain amount of time (whether it be weeks, months or even years) you no longer need to do.
   Hopefully you have come to a somewhat healthy way of thinking. About seeing food as fuel, and something your body needs. And learning to accept your body. But its now when you really need to focus on accepting and loving your body the way you look, because if you dont. It can easily lead to a relapse.
    Now when you are weight restored its important to start challenging yourself with fear foods. Because you cant live your life being scared of certain foods. Though its also important to test your fear foods while you are recovering.
   For me, i personally found it easier to test my fear foods while i was gaining weight, because i knew ineeded to gain weight. So trying chocolate covered nuts, i knew wouldnt do me any damage, but infact help me. And i admit, i thought that when i was weight restored i wouldnt be able to eat my fear foods, because i would no longer need to gain weight....? (That was still ED thoughts)

A common fear when you are recovering is that you think that you will continue going up in weight. That you will never stop. That is not the case.
  The closer you come to your goal weight, the harder it will be to gain weight. Your body also has ahealthy weight, a healthy BMI where it wants to stay. And you have to let yourself reach that weight... you cant decide that your going to weigh X kilo and then do everything you can to keep yourself at that weight. Because you will go up and down 2kg... due to water weight/bloating/hormones etc.
   So dont focus on the scale. If you are in treatment, or go to a doctor and get weighed, then let your doctor take care of that. Your doctor will tell you if you do keep going up in weight.... which will only really happen if you develop binge eating, but that is another ED, so will need help for that.

When you are weight restored, it now also means learning to eat normally... follow your bodies signals. If you havent already been doing that. But you need to start learning to listen to your body.
  No longer following a meal plan. To not measure food, or weigh food if that is what you are doing.

It is now about learning to live your life again. To be healthy. Your focus is no longer to gain weight, but to start living again. To do fun things. To do things you enjoy.
   Recovery is different for everyone. For me when i was recovering, my life was put on hold. I was told my health is more important. Which it is.
  I wasnt allowed to do things which i wanted to do. I had to eat at certain times, i had to follow my meal plan. I wasnt allowed to go to school. I wasnt allowed to exercise.
   So when i was nearing my goal weight, it was like i had to pick my life back up again.... (though i didnt have much of a life in Sweden. So it was like i had to begin again... a new me.) A new school. New friends. Find things which i liked doing etc etc
     I was also allowed to start exercising again.

When you are allowed to start exercising again, take it easy. Find the exercise form which you enjoy. And exercise to feel good.... feel how it feels. Dont put pressure on yourself to be best. (I.e say if you were really good at running before you became sick, and then wasnt allowd to run for more than a year, you have to accept the fact that you might not be as good as you were before you became sick. But you can work on your endurance and speed and become even better. But dont put pressure on yourself to beat a record when you begin exercising again).
   Or maybe you dont like exercise... and thats ok. You dont have to exercise. Not everyone enjoys it. Do things which you like.

As i mentioned above, you need to learn to eat normally again and follow your bodies signals. Eating when you're hungry, stopping when you're full. Eating something just because you're craving it, or because you like it or want to. Or knowing that its ok to say no to a biscuit because you dont want it.

When you are weight restored you can start focusing on your life. Doing things you love and enjoy. Going back to school or work. Being social. Eating food you like.

  And not to forget the mental bit.... you need to focus on your thoughts. Change them from negative to positive. Seeing the good things in yourself. Seeing your good traits. And not just focusing on your body and the way you look. But learning to love life. And realise that in the end, you can spend years of your life destroying and hating yourself, but that is not much of a life. And the body you have is the only one you will have. So take care of it.


Here is a link about some information and how to handle the stress of gaining weight:http://www.liberonetwork.com/weight-restoration-stress

Coping with recovery & weight gain

1. The hatred you feel towards your body is not actually about your body.

I know that it can be a difficult concept to wrap your head around when you’re feeling so awful, but the truth is that how you feel about your body hasa lot less to do with how much you weigh and a lot more to do with how you feel about who you are as a person. Your body becomes the focus, but it’s not the source of the pain you feel.

Whatever is causing you to hurt and hate yourself is the result of some serious underlying issues. For me it was a combination of having an abusive father, emotional neglect from my parents, the pressure to be a perfect student and basketball player, and the belief — taught to me by my parents — that my sensitivity and need for affection made me weak, inadequate, and a burden.

I don’t know what your underlying issues are, but I know that there is more to your pain than simply being unhappy with your weight. And that’s why living in a smaller body will not bring you the peace you’re looking for :[ In order to make peace with your body, you have to make peace with who you are as a person. You have to identify the underlying issues and negative beliefs you have about yourself, challenge them with positive self-loving and accepting truths, talk about your feelings as they come up, and find new ways of coping with the pain you feel that are conducive to your recovery. It’s difficult as hell, but I promise that it is possible. And more than that, I promise that you don’t have to do it alone.

2. The beginning of recovery is really difficult — for everyone.

I still remember going through the re-feeding process when I was in treatment for my anorexia back in 2008. Apart from breaking my addiction to binging and purging, it was probably the most difficult and physically painful thing I’ve ever done. The harsh reality is that the start of recovery isreally fucking awful. And there is no getting around that :[

When being “thin” has been a part of your identity for so long and using behaviors has been your only way to cope and survive, it’s terrifying to let go. So know that it’s okay to feel this way. It’s okay to feel angry and frustrated with your body. It’s okay to feel terrified. It’s okay to feel like you’re losing control. It’s okay to hurt and scream and cry. It’s okay to throw a fit on the ground. It’s okay to feel like you want to go back to your lowest weight. It’s all okay and it’s normal.

And more importantly, it won’t last forever. The weight gain and re-feeding is only temporary. It’s so difficult, but it will pass. Just keep reminding yourself of that, again and again. It’s terrifying and painful, but it’s worth it.Your happiness, recovery, and wellbeing are worth it.

3. Try to redefine the weight gain.

Instead of seeing it as losing a body you worked so hard to attain, try to see it as acquiring a new body that will allow you to participate in life. Because the truth is that eating disorders prevent you from truly living. You’re alive, but you aren’t really able to engage in life. You’re numb and withdrawn. You aren’t able to be present and enjoy the moment. Your time and energy are so consumed by eating disorder thoughts and behaviors that you have no time and energy for friendship, family, love, or fun. You lose everything for the sake of maintaining your thinness. And that is not really living.

Something I often have to remind myself of — because I still have days where I wish I was at a lower weight — is that living in my anorexic body forced me to live a very small life. I was thin, but that was all I had. I lost most of my friends. I lost my ability to play basketball and had to quit my high school team. I barely had any energy to get out of bed in the morning, engage in conversations with my peers, or walk up the stairs to class. My self-hatred and fears surrounding food prevented me from going to fun school activities, hanging out with friends, and connecting with others. I was lonely, withdrawn, depressed, and miserable — never happy, and never at peace with my body.

I live in a bigger body now, but I also have a much bigger life. I have so many more friendships and opportunities to connect with people. I’m at college and taking steps towards becoming a therapist. I’ve found my voice, the confidence to stand up for myself, and the courage to speak my truth. I have the time and energy to do things I’m passionate about and be there for people I love. I’m able to swim at the beach, go to water parks, enjoy myself at holidays and family gatherings that revolve around food, go out to eat with friends, indulge on vacation, and go on adventures without being crippled by food fears and self-hatred. By making peace with the fact that I needed to live in a bigger body, my life has become so much larger, happier, and fulfilling.

Living in a bigger body is going to be scary and uncomfortable in the beginning, and that’s okay. Just keep reminding yourself that by having a bigger body, you’re giving yourself the opportunity to have a bigger life. A life filled with new friends, opportunities, experiences, adventures, passions, energy, and freedom. I know that being thin feels so important right now, but you need to remember all the things you give up when being thin becomes your priority. Because you deserve a bigger life. You deserve to take up space. And more than anything, you deserve to be happy.

4. Start challenging your negative body thoughts

When I was re-feeding my body and had to gain weight, my eating disorder was constantly screaming insults at me. I would fixate on those thoughts and allow them to play on repeat in my head. What has helped me quiet that voice more than anything is talking back to it. It seems silly, and at first, you aren’t going to believe the things you say to counter the negative thoughts, but it’s still really important to challenge them. It’s something I still do when my body image gets bad.

On my road trip this weekend, I was feeling really uncomfortable in my body. Here’s an example of a dialogue I had with my eating disorder voice:

ED: You would be so much prettier and happier if you lost weight.

Healthy voice: Being thin has never made me feel pretty or happy, and neither has listening to you. That aside, it’s not my responsibility to be thin or pretty. I don’t owe that to anyone.

ED: But people will like you better if you’re thinner.

Healthy voice: Anyone who bases my worth as a person off of how much I weigh is not someone I want in my life anyway. I’m valuable and worthwhile, regardless of my weight.

ED: But you are so much bigger than her.

Healthy voice: I’m not going to play the comparison game with you. It goes nowhere and only makes me feel miserable. There will always be someone bigger than me and someone smaller than me. And that’s okay. Other women’s bodies don’t have the power to discount or add to my worth, because my worth isn’t contingent upon my weight or how it compares with other people’s weights. All bodies are good bodies — mine included. So shut up and leave me alone.

These are just some examples, but hopefully they can give you an idea of how to challenge your negative body thoughts as they come up. If you have a difficult time saying nice countering them, try to think of what you would say to a friend who was struggling with the same negative thoughts, and apply those things to yourself.

5. Breathe

When you’re sitting with the fullness and discomfort; when you see your body getting bigger and the voice in your head starts screaming at you; you have to breathe. Again and again. Breathe and remind yourself that this is temporary. Remind yourself of all the people who have been in your position and made it through. Breathe and trust that you’re going to make it through too. Remind yourself of all the times you’ve felt this uncomfortable and out of control and terrified, and how each time, you survived. Breathe and trust that you can survive this too.

And most importantly, you have to breathe and remind yourself why you chose recovery in the first place. Because it’s easy to forget, I definitely suggest making your own personalized list of reasons to recover to look at in the moment when you’re struggling.

I know all of this is easier said than done, but as someone who has been there,I promise it’s possible. It takes time though, so be patient with yourself and your process.

Source: internal-acceptance-movement: 

+2kg

Recently i have been having some 'bad body image days', where i feel that i have spent too much time looking in the mirror and noticing flaws. Things which nobody else notices, but i see in myself. Just feeling bloated and uncomfortable, however i havent let these thoughts control my day or how i feel, or what i do. Instead, i just keep living  life like normal. Because having bad body image days/week isnt uncommon for normal people.... eveeryone has times when they feel less attractive or dont think they look so good.

However, on Tuesday when i went to the CF clinic, i got weighed like usual, and i know my weight, or i go up and down 2-3kg so the number doesnt affect me. Though i saw that i had gone up 2kg - from what i was 2 months ago. And at first i thought great, because for me, it takes a long time to actually gain weight.
   Then over the day these nagging thoughts began in my head, why did i gain weight? What have i done? Have i eaten too much? How could i have gained weight.
 
But then after a while i was like, why am i letting this bother me? Its a number, and you know what it is great that i have gained 2kg. Infact, i hadnt even noticed i had gone up in weight... or well i have noticed that i am alot stronger, i have more energy and yes, i am eating more!
 
The scale is a bad thing, i dont reccommend weighing yourself at all... Because it weighs your mass.... it doesnt tell you how much your clothes weigh, how much your bones or your muscles weighs... just your mass.
  And that number, shouldnt bother or affect you.


And once i reminded myself of this, i just let my bothers go.... I feel good in my body, i am happy in my body and so a number shouldnt tell me how to feel.


I am just a human being as well, and because of media, which constantly tells women that gaining weight is bad, and theres always new ways to lose weight, foods to not eat, things to not do, the new diet etc etc
   It feels like there is some sort of weight gain taboo... you dont speak about gaining weight. Society makes it a bad thing, when infact for some people gaining weight is great. And something which they struggle to do but want to gain!

That is why i choose to speak about gaining weight, and not afraid to write that i did gain weight - and even how i first felt bothered by it, but then realised that it isnt a bad thing. Infact its a good thing!

Learn to not let the scale or your weight bother you, because you are so much more than that, i promise you!!!

Me today^^

Gaining the last few kilos

Do you have some advice on how you could gain the last weight at the end of recovery?
I already gained about 7-8 kg, and my treatment staff are ready to let me go from the clinic, but I would like to gain the last 2-3 kg (I actually need to gain 5 kg to not be underweight, but my goal weight is set on this). I really, really want to gain these kg, but still when I think about it the anxiety just hits me so hard. I have a "skinny body type" if that makes sense (don't know how to explain othewise in English), so I do have a hard time getting weight even though I eat completely fine. Do you have any advice concerning reaching these last kg? It is just so easy to tell yourself, that it is not necessary, and you are just fine now, because you are no way near the dangerous weight, you were earlier. 

First of all i want to say that it is great that you want to gain those last few kilos :) And it sounds very strange that the clinic is letting you go even though you need to gain weight? As you have a skinny body type, you will always be skinng/lean so these last few kilos wont affect your body so much, but it will do alot of good for your mental health, energy and if you havent already you might get your period back. Gaining 2-3kg wont be noticable on your body, so dont worry about that.

Gaining the last few kilos can be considered the hardest to gain, because your body has now  adapted to the amount of calories which you have been eating. So it means you have to eat even more, which can be tough. 
   Back in 2012 i was in the same situation as you, i had to gain 3-4kg to reach my goal weight, but it scared me alot, for any different reasons. And i was still struggling with my body image, and at times  i felt fat and then i thought if i felt fat now, how will i feel when i have reached my goal weight.
  My body was also so used to how much i was eating so it took a lot of energy to gain weight, infact it took me more than 6 months to just try to gain those few kilos. 
  When i reached my goal weight i got my period back, i felt happier and healthier, all of my ED thoughts were gone - something which i had been working alot with, trying to be positive, challenge myself etc. And i felt happy in my body! 

So to gain the last few kilos you need to eat more, or if you are active, it can help to decrease your activity amount.
   You can add things like extra oil, butter or cream while cooking.  Eating extra nuts or avocado on bread is great. Or adding oil, avocado, nuts, cheese and dressing to salads.  Eating more and/or extra dessert! Drinking juice/milk with all your meals. Bigger portions for lunch and dinner. Bigger snacks. Choosing fullfat products.
  
Even things like making smoothies/milkshakes with yoghurt/milk/icecream/cream and berries/fruit/oats etc, making pancakes or muffins and eating them with peanut butter/whipped cream/chocolate sauce/nuts/berries/fruit/nutella etc etc  Are good ways to eat delicious food and also get energy into you :)
   And if they are fear foods, then your also challenging yourself, which is necessary in recovery.

Its tough to gain the last few kilos and i know ti can feel unneccessary, but it is needed!!! So do your best to gain the weight, and if you are no longer going to treatment then start living life again, doing things you enjoy, that can make it easier when youre not just focusing on gaining wieght, but doing fun things as well :)

^^It almost hurts to look at the picture on the left... that was from 2012, when i was struggling with my body image, and had a bit of a 'binge/Pure/restrict' relapse and i was 4-5kg away from my goal weight.

It was after the little relapse type thing, that i actually began trying to gain weight again.

And picture on the Right is aroun 6 months later, the day before i got declared healthy and felt healthy both physically and mentally, and i liked my body alot more than what i did when i was underweight!

Gaining weight after Anorexia: What to Expect

By Leanne Hall

Gaining weight is arguably the most difficult part of recovering from anorexia nervosa, but it is also the most important. Your starving body needs the nutrients food provides in order to function properly and keep you alive.

Increasing the amount of food you consume can cause various physical and psychological changes. Emily Troscianko, anorexia survivor and Psychology Today blogger, recounts her personal experience with the disorder in her series, “A Hunger Artist.”

"In my posts on 'The day I started eating again' and 'How it feels to eat again,' I described the psychological changes that took place as I abandoned the mantra of my own personal ‘as little as possible,’ and told of the extreme hunger that accompanied the increase in intake. In 'Eating, continued,' I mentioned some of the stomach pain and the diarrhea that I experienced in the months after the dietary change."

In one of her posts, Troscianko outlines some of the common physical changes that occur when a severely malnourished individual begins to regain weight. She also offers advice for reducing the severity of these changes.

Refeeding syndrome

Reintroducing nutrients to your body can cause metabolic and biochemical disturbances that may result in muscle weakness, convulsions, confusion, and other symptoms. In severe cases, these disturbances can be fatal. Ensuring that the refeeding process is done gradually reduces the risk of developing this syndrome.

"The greater the malnutrition, the greater the risk of complications during recovery—but also, of course, the greater the risks of remaining ill... when confronting the daunting idea of recovery, it's important to bear in mind not just what might happen if you go ahead with it, but what might happen if you don't."

Bloating

Fluid retention can cause your ankles to swell during the day and bags to form around your eyes at night. Additionally, the sensation of bloating can be uncomfortable. The severity of bloating is also reduced by reintroducing food gradually.

Stomach Cramps

Because your body’s digestion process has slowed and its muscles have weakened, your stomach will likely stick out a bit more than you might expect. Stomach cramps, abdominal discomfort, and nausea can occur as your body adapts to the consumption of more food. Limiting the amount of insoluble fiber in your diet can help reduce these symptoms.

"It's important to remember that all of these things will pass, and are not reliable indicators of what the recovered state will be."

Initial Rapid Weight Gain

Fluid retention may also cause rapid weight gain during the first few days or weeks of refeeding, but this gain is only temporary. It is important to avoid weighing yourself every day since fluctuations, though normal, can lead to unnecessary anxiety.

"In general, weight fluctuations over the course of the day, and from day to day, aren't negligible, so it's important not to attribute significance to a single reading."

Gradual Distribution of Fat

After about three weeks of sticking to your refeeding plan, a thin layer of fat will be deposited all over your body, providing insulation and protection. This distribution of fat tends to be uneven at first but eventually evens out.

"The more one knows when setting out on the journey of recovery, the less likely one is to be deterred from carrying on by unexpected and unexplained difficulties. The early stages of a shift in eating habits may well be frightening anyway, not only psychologically but also physically—but apprehension at specific possibilities is better than a fear of the limitless unknown."

Source: Psychology Today

http://www.eatingdisordersonline.com/articles/recovery/gaining-weight-after-anorexia-what-to-expect

Tips on how to gain weight

If you want to gain weight, there are some food choices you can make, which will make gaining weight easier for you.
  Because i mean, sure you can eat salad, or drink light milk or skip bread or whatever... but thats not really helping you. Because you're still restricting your food intake, your controlling your food, not allowing yourself certain foods and if you're eating light foods, it often means you have to eat more.

&&&; I'm just gonna mention that, foods that say light or fat free usually have LOADS of chemicals and nasty ingredients which isnt good for your body, so infact... even if its higher in fat procent, the ingredients are more natural and so better for your body. &&& Light foods, are often small (which some people like) but for me personally, ive had a light/weightloss bar before, just because and well... it doesnt fill me up. And it can often lead you to want more, or get sweet cravings. So its better to just eat a proper snack, then to eat some tiny little bar or something.

These are simple changes you can make to your diet which wil help you get extra calories, so you wont have to eat loads but can hopefully gain weight!!

Choose Granola or muslie instead of cereal


Eat a sandwich with breakfast


Make oatmeal with milk instead of water


Drink some form of juice or milk with your meals

Eat 3-4 snacks a day

Add nuts to yoghurt/oatmeal etc

Add dressing/oil to salads

Eat Protein, carbohydrates and healthy fats to both lunch and dinner. & add sauce to cooked meals






Making smoothies/milkshakes with milk/soy milk & banana and berries/fruit/nuts/coconut oil/coconut flakes


Use full fat products