Eating for numbers or eating 'just because'

Yesterday when doing a random "keep clicking to the next video" on youtube i ended up watching a bunch of random "what i eat in a day" videos. So many different ways of eating its almost a little fascinating and irritating at times, haha. I used to watch alot of food challenges however the more i learn about nutrition not to mention that looking at non vegan food challenges doesnt really appeal to me anymore, however the more i learn the more i feel sorry for the peoples' bodies who have to deal with all the junk food/processed food. If its just once its not such a big deal but many do continuous challenges and it just turns into a huge challenge followed by restrictive eating or other compensatory methods after eating so much and it just all feels a bit messed up, not to mention cant be healthy in the short or long term.

But one thing i noticed when watching the videos is that there are 2 (and plenty) more ways of eating which i wanted to comment on.

One of the ways of eating was "eating just because".... i.e eat grilled cheese sandwich with white bread for breakfast, pasta with cheese and bacon for lunch and pizza for dinner and inbetween its some cookies or chocolate and maybe some ice cream for dessert. The person eating just because they need to eat. Now dont get me wrong, eating like this once in a while is no problem and these types of foods aren't "Bad" (no food is bad... its about the amount and frequency of food eaten). But what struck me was that the closest the person got to a vegetable was the sauce on their pizza. Sure the day had alot of energy but very little micronutrients. IF this was a once off it wouldnt matter, we all have days where the closest we get to a vegetable is the ruccola on the pizza we eat or some random spices on our pasta, thats OK. However if its an everyday thing thats when the problems *might* come in the long term.

Then however there was another way of eating where food is just numbers. Where the person didnt eat for enjoyment but ate for numbers and ended up eating a bowl of just plain white rice to reach their number of carbs. Everything had to be tracked and counted and couldnt choose what they wanted to eat. Instead the food was measured and weighed and put into a calorie counting app and there seemed to be very little enjoyment in the food..... Of course i get that some people when competing in fitness follow this way of eating (and i have my opinions about this, but thats for another rainy day!). But it just seems a little sad when food is just seen as numbers.... a potato is seen as X carbs and 6 potatoes need to be eaten to reach their carb level.... wait no, infact only 5,5 potatoes is allowed. It takes the fun and enjoyment away from food.
I've measured and weighed food and eaten according to macros or just calories and it isnt a fun way of eating.... all i could see was numbers and it didnt matter that avocado or nuts or dark chocolate was healthy, they all contained too many calories to be allowed in my diet.

Food is an enjoyment and it should be enjoyed, of course there also needs to be some awareness and knowledge about nutrition and knowing WHY you eat, and that is to get all the vitamins and minerals you need. Because in the end you can eat 2500kcal everyday from just pasta but you will eventually end up with vitamin and mineral deficiency, or you could track every little micro and macro nutrient and feel unhappy and unsatisfied because meals are just a maths problem and food is just numbers. Neither way are a good way to live.

The balance. Eat some veggies and fruit daily, eat food you enjoy, everything in balance and moderation, drink water throughout the day. You dont need to track your food to be healthy, just try to have some common sense. Eating more carbs than usual wont hurt you, eating more fat than usual wont make you fat, eating less protein than usual wont make you lose muscle. And even if you have a day where you eat lots or dont eat very nutritionally dense it wont harm you, its about a longer period of time of a certain way of eating.

Find balance and find enjoyment from eating! Just eating pizza is just as bad as eating only broccoli.... though if im honest, i would much rather recommend only eating pizza (because then you atleast get carbs, fat and protein) compared to just eating broccoli where you would much quicker end up with nutrient and energy deficiency!!!

What is a normal way to feel about your body?

I got asked about the topic of, what is a normal way to feel about your body?

And the truth is... i can't tell you, and i dont know if anyone can. Or i guess in theory i can tell you how you *should* feel, i.e to love yourself, feel happy, feel ok, not feel like your body is too big or too small. Not feel like you are taking up too much room, not feel trapped in your body, not want to cut your skin or fat off, not hate your body, not think about your body too much. But in reality that is not always how it is.

Self love takes time and doesnt happen over night. But even if you love yourself and love your body you might still have down days... all the body positive preachers i follow online say the same thing. That they have down days about their body, but they keep going and dont let that ruin their day or make them resort to negative behaviours instead they just keep going and focus even harder on loving themselves that day. Which is what ive always said the past 5 years. That 98% of the time (this number varies hahah) i love myself and my body and dont think much about my body but sometimes i have down days and bad body image days and feel uncomfortable in my body or feel like i am taking up too much space or like my body isnt really my own. A strange feeling.... HOWEVER i can almost always link that feeling to something else whether its stress, haven't slept enough or eaten enough, if i have anxiety or if its just water retention and bloating can cause a feeling of "this isnt my body".

How you feel about your body can change all the time and can be dependant on many factors not to mention that during your period you can bloat and hormones affect how you feel which can make you feel strange in your body. But the thing that helps is to realise WHY you feel that way... because the problem most often isnt your body but something else. However if it is something that you have gained alot of weight in a short period of time, for example people with the diagnosis hypothyroidism can get alot of weight in a very short time and that can make them feel uncomfortable and strange in their body. And if a person has been slim for their whole life and then rapidly gains weight it can definitely lead to uncomfortable or strange feelings about your body - and then its best to talk to a professional dietician or doctor to help with weight loss if that is needed.

What a normal feeling about your body also varies according to your upbringing and who you surround yourself with and what you let influence/impact you. In different societies and cultures people most likely have a different view and feeling about their body. Not to mention what what media influences you with.

In the past it was all about curvy and voluptuous women, then it was super skinny and now in the society i live in there is a huge focus on lean and muscular (but not too muscular) women... and that of course affects how people think when there is an *ideal* body, and that body varies over generations.

Outside factors influence how you feel about your body and its hard to not get impacted by different images and messages which are always around you.

But my best advice and how to theoretically feel about your body is to:

1) Not feel like your body is in the way or like it is too big.
2) Not feel like you are taking up too much space.
3) Not want to cut of your skin/fat
4) Feel ok with your body in all positions i.e standing, lying down, sitting, moving your body. Not dislike stomach rolls or when your body looks different in different angles.

My advice would be to LIVE LIFE so you dont have time to just sit and think about your body.
MOVE YOUR BODY i.e realise that your body is more than your appearance and begin to appreciate your body for what it can do.
SELF LOVE DAILY whether thats spending a few minutes looking in the mirror and just saying nice things about yourself, or writing body positive messages you can look at or just writing a list of positive things about yourself you can look at everyday and keep adding things as you get more confident and happy in your body.

I believe it is ok to change your body to some extent to bring better confidence or happiness however you also have to realise that changing your body doesnt automatically bring happiness if the problem is in your head. Sometimes all you need to do is stop thinking so much about your body and just live life.

I can say that when i workout and now when working again i dont think ive ever appreciated or loved my body so much as when i work and realise how capable and functional my body is. Even just when walking home from the store with heavy groceries i realise how thankful i am for my body and that is what is important about my body, that i can live life even if i have some hinders and injuries that stop me, but my body is still functional!!

I also believe that how/what you eat and your lifestyle affects how you feel about your body as well. I know that times when i eat alot of junk food i personally dont feel so great in my body... not that i hate my body or anything, just that its another *feeling* like i feel more sluggish and strange. Not to mention when i am very stressed or havent slept enough its the same strange feeling. Compared to when i live a balanced life, eat 90% unprocessed foods, drink enough water and sleep enough then i have a much better feeling in my body. So your food intake plays a huge roll in how you feel... eating for YOUR OPTIMAL health. I.e if you are always eating things you are intolerant to or your body reacts negatively towards then it can be hard to feel 100% comfortable in your body if your stomach is always bloated or cramping or food isnt being digested properly.

SO...... If you are healthy tell me how YOU feel about your body. What are your best tips for feeling more happy in your body?

And know that its ok to have bad body image days, but you should not resort to negative or destructive behaviours, instead work on those feelings so that bad body image days become fewer!!

What eating habits were you taught as a child? - Eating habits i was taught as a child

I thought i would do a little experiment... sort of! As i got asked about what eating habits i was taught as a child and if they might have in some way affected me getting an eating disorder. (Actual comment below!)

The way your parents talk about food has a huge impact - i believe - on your relationship with food when you are older. No, i dont think that parents give their children eating disorders but i think that if parents talk about food or their body in a negative way that can definitely impact the child and maybe be the catalyst to a child developing an eating disorder. I know some parents talk about food as good and bad, food they can and cant eat and talk about their body image and food ina negative way... that in turn is how the child will think about food. But also if a child is taught that they can eat chocolate, burgers and pizza all the time that is what they will learn and believe in and that can affect them negatively in the future and affect their weight negatively.
Its not easy being a parent - i dont know from personal experience (hahah) - but i am guessing its hard anyway. You need to be a role model and teach your child good eating habits and learn them to see food as nutritious and something they need to eat and that certain foods can be eaten and enjoyed but in moderation!

So, how did my parents talk about food/teach me how to eat when i was younger?

I had two different sides/opinions on food when i was younger. My mum... a yoga teacher who was very holistic with her view on food. It was nothing extreme but my sister and i grew up eating alot of whole foods, lots of lentils, vegetables, brown bread etc with our mum and then on Saturdays or Fridays we would have a treat day where we would buy some junk food and watch movies. So it was nothing extreme, it was moderation and a good balance in my opinon. My mum is also a pescetarian so we mostly ate vegetarian and sometimes fish, but as i did like chicken my mum would buy that for me (my siser turned vegetarian when she was around 12/13 i think... or earlier).

My dad on the other side is a big meat eater and eats alot of sandwiches, however he never ate "bad" either. It was just alot of standard irish meals... lots of potatoe, lots of meat, vegetables... irish roast dinners and such and dessert after dinner.

I dont think my parents ever talked about food as good or bad, however i was always told i needed to eat more. I was always the one who got the extra food and last serving as i was underweight/low weight when i was a child and always told to eat more and more.... which when i got older began to annoy me alot as i realised most other kids arent told to eat more, but are infact told to eat less.

I was a very picky eater as a child and if people said things about food i couldnt eat it... there were plenty of times i refused to eat because my sister or someone else would talk about something disgusting while eating or would say things such as your food looks like X or Y. Luckily i have grown out of this now, but when i was child things such as that could easily make me lose my appetite and not want to eat.

When i began with treatment for my eating disorder the doctors were quick to blame my mum for my eating disorder however i think that is silly. She taught me to eat my veggies and to eat wholesome food first and foremost and then chocolate and crisps as a treat and neither of my parents affected my view on food negatively.. instead my eating disorder developed from wanting control.

However i do remember that being told to eat more all the time was very annoying and made me feel different and instead made me refuse to eat the last serving even if i wanted it, just because i was told i had to eat it or that I was the only one who was allowed to take more, i didnt like the special treatment.

I believe that compared to other children i was taught rather good eating habits... many children never learn to eat vegetables or like whole foods, instead they grow up eating lots of processed food and become addicted to salt and sugar at a young age which can be negative in the future. I was taught a good relationship with food and a balance and i thank my parents for that!! Of course, i have my opinons on the food we ate i.e it was ALOT of meat and dairy, but thats what was normal back then.... if i were to have children in the future i would raise them with moderation and balance and first and foremost a vegan/vegetarian diet, but they would of course be allowed to choose whether they wanted to eat meat or dairy or not, as that is a choice they get to make when they are old enough.

Anyway... i would like to know what eating habits YOU were taught when you were younger and do you think they have had a positive or negative impact on your relationship with food.

A little semi experiment to see......


*The real comment asking about this below:

This is not particularly important so please don't worry if you don't have time to answer, but I have been wondering about how "normal" people teach their children normal/healthy eating habits. I think that as a child the eating habits I was taught were, in retrospect, not especially normal, and I have read that many people with eating disorders later on did have a few oddities in the way they were brought up around food. I don't think it "caused" my eating disorder at all, but it has made it harder and more strange to work out what normal or sensible eating patterns are -- if I think back to before the ED, I just realise "other children can't have been taught like that!" and I wonder how they were taught. 
I'm curious to know what other people's experiences were. However, it is not a problem so please don't worry if it's a question too many!

Blogging, my thoughts and the future of my blog

Something i have been meaning to film as its easier to talk about than to write in words but you might have noticed i am rather absent on here and there are many reasons for that. But one of the reasons is that each day that passes i am further from the illness. I have been "declared healthy" for 5 years and have felt fully healthy for 4 years. That means that i do find it rather hard to relate to being anxious about food, having fear foods, exercising to burn calories or any other things like that. Its hard to write advice when its hard to remember what it felt like to feel that way. Its easier to write about depression, anxiety, panic attacks and just current life and happiness than it is to write about disordered eating and thoughts. But also i feel i am alot more careful about the advice i want to give, because first and foremost professional care needs to be sought. If you are experiencing pains or problems then its best to go to a doctor and not just ask people online if it will go away or what the pain may be, because there could be so many reasons why. But also things such as bloating, indigestion, coldness, sleeping problems and different pains can all last different amounts of times for individuals. Some people dont bloat or have indigestion at all, others have it for months. Some people only deal with bloating, others get different digestion problems and stomach issues.

Also how much you should eat and what you should eat is so different. There is a reason that there are qualified dietitians and nutritionists, of course they are expensive, but they have studied for several years and their information isnt cheap. When it comes to nutrition you need it to be individualized, not just follow what everyone else is eating, especially not in recovery. Of course, if you feel that the first dietitian you go to isnt helpful or just seems to give a standard plan then try to go to someone else... or if you have to, maybe a qualified dietitian online who has worked with eating disorders. I.e not someone who just works with weight loss and diets.

And when it comes to plant based eating, of course i can give tips and advice and what to think about. However i DON'T recommend plant based eating in recovery and there are many reasons for that. But for a healthy person with a healthy body they can function and absorb nutrients as they should, but when someone is malnourished or has digestion problems or just cant eat alot of volume then plant based eating might not be right for them. But also that the nutrients in plant based food aren't as easily absorbed as animal products and that can cause problems if you already have lack of certain vitamins or minerals. Not to mention that if you are stuck in the "good food/bad food" or restrictive food thoughts then plant based eating might mean that you only eating vegetables and low calorie foods and dont get the energy you need and are still very restricted even if you eat 5 broccoli's a day.... and lack of energy/calories can lead to alot of problems.
So of course i can give advice and inspiration about plant based eating and it is fully possible to gain weight on a plant based diet, but when it comes to recovery i wont recommend it as the first way to eat. And this of course puts a little hinder on my blogging as i would like to blog about veganism and plant based eating, but i don't want  to shove it down your throats so to say.

I have many thoughts about blogging and this blog. I love blogging, i love being online and connecting with all of you but i also have alot of thoughts about what to post, what not to post, how to help and inspire. But also that i cant quite relate to an eating disorder anymore. And this is a good thing, this is how it should be. I know many read my blog for a few months or a year and get the information and help they need and then move on with their life as they no longer relate to an eating disorder, they are free and healthy and that is exactly how it should be! But I'm wondering if its time for me to do the same thing.

Ive had thoughts about starting a new blog, one where the focus will be health, veganism, recipes/food, sustainable living  and maybe even workouts and lifestyle. Though I'm still very unsure... i feel like i want to progress and start new, but it is also very scary and i don't want to let go of this blog. I love the community i have built up here and love inspiring and helping others, but at the same time i feel like i have put myself into this "recovered" box and i no longer want to be there. But also i don't want to put myself in a "vegan" box either where all i write about is veganism because i am more than that and don't want to just blog about that either, but i do want it to be part of what i share.

Anyway, i just felt like i had to share this with you all so you know where my thoughts are at. I have others write to me and tell me i should start a new blog so i know many of you might be positive about this and others less positive. But NO DECISION has been made! Just like with my tattoos, i need several months to think about them before i make the decision :)

Knowledge is power

One of the things that helped me alot in recovery as well as helped me to learn to love and accept my body was knowledge. Learning about how the body works, learning about why food is important, learning about nutrition and energy. Learning about exercise and why exercise is important for health not to mention the importance of exercise when you have cystic fibrosis. I learnt to love my body for what it could do and learnt to see food as something i needed and didnt have to earn or something that would make me fat. Of course when you just learn about "why you need food" its easy to get caught up in just eating healthy foods as you just eat for function and health but forget that sometimes all you need is chocolate or pizza even if its not "the optimal healthy food" it can still be healthy in other ways.

The focus shouldnt be on food and getting even more obsessed with food when you are in recovery. But knowledge helps alot. Learning about anxiety... what triggers anxiety, learning about how to cope with guilt, learning what helps with stress, learning how food works in the body and why you need carbohydrates, fat and protein. Learning why you need enough energy everyday and why 1200kcal isnt enough. Learning why your body needs rest and why overworking it isnt good. Learning what binging or purging does to your body as well as your teeth and organs and overall health.

It can help so much to read about your struggles and get more knowledge about them. Such as how serotonin or dopamine work in the brain. Or learn about what are the "working substances" in the medication you take and learn about why they work... what it is they do. Or learning why different vitamins or minerals are necessary and important to eat. When you start taking care of your body, learning how the body works it is much easier to love it and not just look on the outside. Because instead you know just how amazing the body is on the inside. You can udnerstand what you have put your body through and why you dont want to keep doing that. You learn how to take care of your body and why you want to take care of it and love it and give it nutrition and rest and exercise in a balance way. You learn why you need to sleep, why you need to take your vitamins or medication, what you should do to feel your best. You learn that health is the most important and less focus on appearance because in the long term that really isnt so important.

Of course this is just my experience and not everyone is as interested or devoted in reseraching and learning about the body, nutrition, brain etc But when you have an eating disorder it can be so easy to think "i dont need calories, i dont need rest, i dont need medication or vitamins... im not like everyone else." But when you learn and read more you realise that you do infact need those things and you arent "different" so to say. (Even if everyone needs different amounts of energy, rest, exercise etc)

I do try my best to write educational posts about nutrition and the body and such - mostly because it was something that helped me alot and i wish that i had much earlier realised how amazing the body was so that i didnt spend so many years of my life damaging and tearing my body apart and instead spent time on repairing it, loving it and taking care of it.

Just like with all other areas in life..... knowledge is power. Ive also recently just watched a few documentaries about climate change which have given me more knowledge within that area and made me think alot and rethink some of my choices in life.... so with new knowledge you can make better choices hopefully!

Weight and the number on the scale

Ive gone back and forward whether i should write and press publish on this post but i have finally choosen to press publish. This post might be interpreted in the wrong way, but hopefully it wont. Mostly it is thoughts and i think its important to share them, to be honest but also to show my self reflection and the "bigger picture".



So... i dont weigh myself, i dont have a scale at home or anywhere i can weigh myself. I dont care about the number either. I know that my weight goes up and down2-3kg depending on water, food i ate, hormones, stress etc However my weight has been stable mostly throughout the years. Last summer though i ended up losing a whole bunch of weight but managed to regain 70-80% of it again and have mainted that weight since... a healthy weight. Ive never cared about the number on the scale, whether it says X or Y, it was more about feeling healthy and happy and when i had lost that unintentional weight i DID NOT feel good. So my main reason to gain weight again was 1) for better health and because being underweight or close to underweight is not healthy/a good idea, 2) to regain strength and confidence, 3) more energy and feel happier and healthier. And all of those things i achieved - strength, energy, confidence, happiness again with the weight gain.  And since autumn when i had regained the weight i have been a stable weight, up and down a few kilo.

Today however when i was at the CF clinic it was time to be weighed again and i saw that i was at my highest weight ive been for more than a year. It didnt bother me when i saw the number i just thought, oh ok, thats just a number just like my height or age. But then later the after thoughts came wondering...  Why have i gained weight? What have i done that has made me gained weight? Was it water, fat or muscle? Of course right about there i realised where my thoughts were heading... i realised that if i let those thoughts go further they would become negative ones.

The number on the scale.... what does it measure? It measures my mass everything included - the clothes i had on, the huge amount of water retention and bloating i have at the moment, it measures my bones, my muscles, my fat. It says a number and that number really doesnt mean so much. Of course weight does help to tell whether a person is very underweight or overweight, but otherwise not so much. What matters is that a person feels healthy.... and i definitely do (well aside from the past 48 hours! hahah) The past few months ive been happy, healthy, confident, strong, energetic. Will i let a number on the scale affect me, no of course not... i have not let a number on the scale affect me in 5 years.

But i felt it was important to write this post nonetheless... to show the after thoughts. Yes i am recovered, yes i am healthy, but i am not ashamed that for a few moments i had these thoughts... were they disordered or eating disordered, no... but they werent positive or healthy ones anyway. They werent my normal thoughts.

I dont weigh myself because i dont see the point. As mentioned earlier, how i feel is the most important. If i were to suddenly begin losing or gaining a bunch of weight it would of course be something to consider or think about when it comes to behaviour or habits, but fluctuations in weight is normal. Weight gain and weight loss can happen throughout life, and its just to accept that... as long as they arent extreme (unless necessary) its not something you should let affect you!!

So.... i had my "negative thought moment", my self reflection and changing my thoughts i.e thinking more like myself (hahah), and time to write and reflect on this post and maybe it can help in some weird way. To remind you that if you do get negative types of thoughts or feel bad about your weight CHANGE THOSE THOUGHTS. The number on the scale really doesnt mean so much, instead think about how you feel.... or the positive things! (Of course weight gain doesnt always equal positivity some people in recovery can feel they get more tired, slow, unmotivated, unhappy with the weight gain but that can be due to other things and i can get into that in another post if you want!)

Living minimalistically - my thoughts

I was asked about my thoughts regarding living minimalistically.

I think the idea is great and it is amazing how some people live very minimalistically, and i think it can be "healthy" for some people to try to get rid of more stuff in their life. Its easy for people to only find happiness in materialistic things and just buy lots of stuff to make them happy or to fill some type of hole in their life.

I wouldnt say i live minimalistically, but compared to an "average" person i guess i might not be as interested in material things or consumerism. Over the past years of moving i have had to throw away alot of items, get rid of clothes and books and items that arent "absaloutly necessary" so that of course means that my list of material items decreases. Its kind of nice to just sort through everything you have and just throw away or give away items which arent of absaloute necessity.

I am also not the type of person who needs the same top in 5 different colours or needs 100 pairs of shoes or bags. Instead i choose the items i buy carefully and dont just buy new items without having 1-2 weeks (or months) backthought before purchasing an item. And this is not because i want to be a minimalist, but because i find it hard to buy items for myself... i am fine with buying food and treating myself to coffee and food, but when it comes to other items such as clothes or shoes or bags or even a massage or travel tickets, i cant seem to buy those items without thinking about the item for at least 2-4 weeks beforehand. And instead of giving myself 10 reasons why i should buy the item or why i need it, i give myself 15 reasons why i dont need the item and why i shouldnt buy it...and if i still feel i really want or need that item, then ill buy it. This is actually a hinder in life for me... For example  i dont spontaneously just buy a dry shampoo because i "sort of" need it, or i dont spontaneously buy a coffee cup i love when i see it... instead it takes me a few days/weeks of thinking before i purchase it.

I think living minimalistically and throwing away/giving away different items would benefit alot of people. Alot of people rely on material items and want to fill their rooms or houses with items. Once again i dont want to have my room "bare" because of a minimalist thought, but because i generally dont like having a bunch of random items on surfaces and prefer it to be clean and bare.

Living minimalistically has its benefits but also in a way i think its a little boring because even if i dont personally enjoy clothes shopping or shopping in general, its nice to feel like i have a change and variety in clothes i wear anyway! And in the future i am pretty sure i will invest in lots of different kitchen items as that is what i love and would give me materialistic happiness.

I personally prefer to spend my money on bigger things though instead of lots of small items. Such as i would rather save up my money and then spend it on one "big/expensive" item i have wanted for a while such as a new camera or travelling somewhere or a new tattoo or new headphones. Or i just save up my money for the future when i can invest in a house or a car or something like that. Also experiences are worth more to me than items... i would much rather spend my money on travelling or on train tickets to Stockholm than to spend it on new clothes, or to give money to charity or spend my money on important things like doctors appointments and dentist appointments haha.

This is my opinon and view on minimalism anyway. I am not a minimalist but i am not a shopaholic either. I dont put my happiness in materialistic items, but i do feel happy when i can invest in something i really want or need!
I think for some people it might benefit them to do some sort of 30 day minimalist challenge or just to get rid of old items or items that have no benefit to them in their current life.


What is your opinion on living minimalistically?

7 tiny steps for the beginner minimalist
7 ways to sample living with less
How to start living a more minimalist lifestyle 

Admitting you have bad days, being open about your struggles.

In the past (and still somewhat currently) i never admitted when i had bad days or when i was struggling, atleast not to those around me. I have and am very open on my blog so i do write when i have bad days or have anxiety - mostly anyway, not all the time as i dont want to add lots of negativity on here and sometimes i just feel like "its not going to benefit or help anyone when i write that i have had anxiety or an anxiety/panic attack today". Sometimes i just dont want to write as well... most often when i dont write are the days i have no inspiration or am having a bad day - but sometimes its the complete opposite, i dont write or post because im having a good day and just living life so i dont have time to post, haha. So could either be a really bad day or a really good day!!

But moving onto the actual topic of this post. I have realised that in the past 6-8 months i have been more open about my struggles in real life. I havent been scared or worried to tell my sister that i had an awful day and had anxiety from morning to evening. Im not scared to tell my mum that i had an anxiety attack. Not scared to randomly bring up the fact that i once got so stressed and anxious over how many messages i was getting that i stopped repling to all messages - when talking to my friends. Not scared to admit that i struggled with eating disoders, exercise addiction and depression when talking about those topics in school.

The more years that pass since i recovered and the more mature and confident i feel the more "ok" i feel with my past. I dont feel like i have to hide it, but also i dont feel as much that i have to be ashamed about my current struggles. We all have our struggles. Others in my class get anxiety or panic attacks, others have "hit the wall" in the past, others have struggled with depression or eating disorders in the past.... and so many other struggles which you really wouldnt know about a person unless you talked to them. I mean most people would not guess or presume that i struggled so much in the past if they look at me now or spend time with me. But also im pretty sure they wouldnt guess that just a year ago i was suicidal and ready to give up, or that i still struggle with anxiety at times. I manage those things well and dont let them affect my life too much, i still try to live my life and be as normal as possible even on the days i have anxiety or even on the days that my CF affects my life a little too much.

Everyone has struggles.

In life at the moment i am opening up more... not feeling ashamed or like i need to hide that i have had a bad day. Of course i dont just bring it up out of the blue or randomly, and there is a time and place for everything. Example if my sister is talking about how she has had an awful day or she just wants to rant to me then i dont personally feel like bringing up the negatives in my life/day as that doesnt help the situation. But if she asks "how are you, how has your day been" im not scared to talk about the highs or the lows. Everyone has ups and downs and its nothing to be ashamed about.

I feel like by being silent and not talking about it (at the right times!) it just adds to the stigma and taboo-ness of mental illness. People are ashamed and embarrassed, and of course i am at times as well... sometimes i think, i cant write about having anxiety or struggles in the past because it will affect me getting a job if my future manager finds my blog. But then i realise that sure i struggle, but it doesnt affect my life too much.... i might want to stay in bed all day but i get up and go to school anyway because i know i need to. Of course this is just me, i know others who struggle who cant get out of bed at all on their bad days... so everyone struggles differently.

Anyway, before this post gets too long i just wanted to write out these thoughts. Realising that i am not feeling as ashamed or silent about my struggles. I dont need to boast (??) about them, but i dont need to hide them either. Its ok to struggle, but you also need to pick yourself up and keep going regardless, and not be scared to ask for help when you need it!!

Body love, fat shaming, skinny shaming?

This post is just one of my thoughts and rambles post, but i hope that i can get my thought process across, however it would be easier to vlog this but at the moment i cant do that so ill stick to writing. But of course feel free to comment below your thoughts or opinions on this topic.

So... body love and body positivity is for everyone, for all shapes and sizes. Both men and women, tall or short, skinny or fat, any skin colour, any ethnicity.. everyone. And that of course includes people who are extremely skinny or extremely overweight, or does it?



I am all for body positivity and body love and my personal view is that YES body love is for all shapes and sizes, even if that person's weight/size is at an extreme. Many dont agree with this. But i personally think that there is a difference between saying, love your body and accept your body, and promoting a certain body shape or size. But i dont promote being underweight/very underweight or being very overweight, because biologically that isnt healthy. Health also has a whole different range of definitions and it depends how you want to look at health, just based on biological function or take into consideration how a person feels. Because someone can have an illness and still be happy, or they might be by biological standards sick, but still feel happy and content and can live life to the best of their capability... and you cant really deny/refuse to take into consideration that a person feels happy and content despite what the biological standard (?).

My personal opinion is that body love and positivity should be for everyone but i also think promotion should be on HEALTH and balance. And that is of course different for everyone. There should be no standard body or weight or size, but just health. So even if i say "love your body" to someone who is very underweight, at the same time i will say love your body now, while working towards a healthier weight, because self love should be all stages of your life and how your body looks at different times. I dont think you should wait with self love until you are a healthy weight or your goal weight or goal size, but instead love your body as it is now.... but also realise that you can love your body but also need to change it. For example if you are very overweight or underweight, you might feel happy or love your body as it is which is GREAT, but if it is necessary you might also need to gain/lose weight for optimal health.

I also think that skinny shaming and fat shaming is wrong. There are people who are healthy despite having a lower or higher weight than standard or recommended, and it is so awful to see when those people get lots of negatives and mean comments despite them being healthy. People have different shapes and sizes and people have different healthy set points and weights, and you shouldnt shame a person for that. Telling a skinny person to "eat a burger" is just as bad as telling an obese person to "eat a salad".... its just mean and wrong and does nothing but verbally harm the person.

Society should be more accepting of all different body shapes and sizes and promote body love instead of telling everyone to change. But also to be able to say that "you are beautiful" without having to bash another body shape or size. I often find that people comment "you look so much better with curves compared to when you were skinny" or even comments such as "i wish i was as pretty as you"... its great that you are complimenting someone else, but you dont need to bring yourself down a the same time. Everyone is beautiful in their own way, instead say "You are beautiful and so am I"... or just dont comment about comeones appearance and instead compliment them about other things such as their strength(mental or physical), their intelligence, their life coping skills etc

There is so much about this topic/area which i want to talk about but it is hard through just words on a screen and much easier to talk about. I might try to sit down and make a video or write another post about this topic, but for now i just needed to write out these thoughts.

Body love is for everyone but that doesnt mean that you are promoting unhealthy body weights either. Someone shouldnt have to wait with self love just because their weight isnt healthy, thats just counterproductive... instead self love and body love always, but also not denying when there is an actual health problem that needs to be solved.


What are your thoughts or opinions on this? I would love to know your thoughts about this area!

Eat until you are satisfied for less cravings

So this post is only written from personal experience but i am pretty sure there are studies and facts to back this up, but i dont really have the energy to read up on it and link to studies about this. But from personal experience i have found that 1) If i eat carbs, protein and healthy fats in a meal and 2) eat until i am satisfied i dont get cravings throughout the day.

The times i havent slept so well, or if its gone a little too long between meals or if i eat a meal that doesnt contain enough of the 3 macronutrients, or if i dont eat until i am satisfied i begin to get cravings.  And if i get cravings i almost always give into them, im not someone to put up limits or restrictions on my intake. But whenever i eat until i am satisfied fully (i.e at times when i pack too little lunch with me to school or i think "i finish att 12 so its fine ill just go home and eat lunch instead of bringing with me" but then the hunger creeps in or i amnt fully satisfied after my packed lunch then the cravings kick in. ) Or the times when i might eat a meal that is mostly carbs and some protein or a meal that is high fat and low carb, then the cravings can begin to kick in a while after. I need to be satisfied after a meal, not be so full that i feel like exploding but not still feel hungry either. Also balancing sweet and salt for my meals. For example eating a few dates or raisins after lunch satisfies my need for something sweet. Or if i eat something sweet such as oatmeal with sweetner and banana and dates, then i need to add peanut butter or salted nuts to balance it out. This for me is how i keep my balance and my intutive eating.

It IS annoying to always have cravings. To not feel satisfied or to feel like there is always something you are missing or craving, but over the years i now know why i get cravings. Of course lack of sleep and stress affect cravings, as well as the body being VERY SMART and if you lack a vitamin or mineral you can begin to get cravings for a food that contains that vitamin or mineral. Example, at times i get cravings for egg whites but then i just go eat some vegan food high in protein example lentils or chickpeas or some fake meat and then that craving goes away. Just like when i get cravings for egg yolks i go and add extra oil to my food or eat more nuts and avocado and then that craving goes away. Just like when i get cravings to drink soy or oat milk right from the carton (i once drank a whole 1l oatmilk in a day) i guess that it is my bodies way of saying that i might need more calcium or iron (of course if you suspect defiency of a vitmin or nutrient go to a doctor!!! But i find that cravings are actually a rather good way of your body telling you what you need more of.)

So if you find that you are always getting cravings then maybe think about if you can change something in your diet. Do you need to eat more so that you actually feel satisfied after your meals? Do you maybe need more carbohydrates or more healthy fats in your diet? Do you need to eat more frequently so that it doesnt go so many hours between your meals? Or maybejust less stress or more sleep is necessary.

But from my own experience when i get strong cravings i cant concentrate and i begin to think a little too much about food and that is not how i want to live my life. So by eating balanced and intuitive and feeling satisfied after my meals i dont think about food until i am hungry and its time to eat again meaning that basically 90% of my time is spent towards other things in my life and not thought about food - and thats the way it should be!

Anyone else have the same experience or have tips to give? :)

Also remember that hunger, extreme hunger and cravings arent really the same thing. There is a difference. Just like mental hunger and actual hunger and different things.

Being at peace with the past

A part of life is accepting the past and being at peace with it.

There are many things in my life that i have done and things i have said and many "what ifs" that still bother me. I can at times get caught up in the "what if x"... what if this didnt happen, or what if something turned out different, or what if i had acted or responded differently, what if i was someone else etc Somethings i just havent fully let go or accepted or come to terms with... somethings are left open and unsettled and it has bothered me sometimes.

But yesterday when looking through old photos - something which bothers me at times. Past memories that can haunt me, past memories that make me sad or make me long for the past or get caught up and wondering about what if things had turned out differently. But yesterday was one of the first times i just felt at peace with certain memories and didnt long for the past. I didnt long for things to have turned out differently, i didnt long to turn back time and change things or long for a different outcome. Instead i was at peace and accepted that the past can not be changed.

A growth and maturity and something that needs to be done. I think its because i feel happy in my current life, i dont feel need to change my life situation at the moment and i dont long for it to be different. I dont long for the past or wonder how things could have turned out because i know that everything happens for a reason and i am where i am in my life now because of the past choices i made. 

Yesterday i could look back on photos and smile at good memories, i could reminisce about good times and think about how much i have grown as a person. And i didnt end up feeling sad or anxious, i just felt at peace and it was (i.e it is, because i am writing this post shortly after looking through old pictures) such a nice feeling. The past is the past, it cannot be changed or undone but all i can do is enjoy life as it is and make the best decisions based on my knowledge and wants right now.

I highly suggest that you also try to accept and find peace with your past. Maybe there is someone you need to talk with to get closure, maybe there are pictures you need to delete or items you need to throw away. Maybe you just need to sit and think and realise that you can not change the past, you can only grow from it and accept it and be ok with it. Its definitely not always easy, but from personal experience it feels like if you are happy in your present and current life you dont long back for the past.

Maybe this is a goal to have and work towards this year? To accept your past and accept the things you can not change? Or try to get closure in different areas of your life if that is necessary.

I can say, it feels wonderful to just be happy in my current life and not long to be someone else or to change past choices or actions. I would not be where i am now if i hadnt made the choices i did.

Do you ever long back to the past or think about what "if's"? Have you found peace with your past? Whats your experience with this topic/area?

Isolating yourself vs. spending time on your own

Spending time on your own doesn't have to be a bad thing, infact some people might need to do more of it. Some people hate being on their own, hate being stuck with their thoughts or feel lonely if they spend a little too much time with just themselves. Whereas others - such as myself - love spending time alone and can end up spending a little too much time on my own if i dont actively make sure i meet people weekly. Being alone doesnt mean you are lonely - not necessarily.... sometimes you can feel lonely. But for me i spend time on my own because i enjoy it, because being around too many people for too long drains me of energy and being alone helps me to regain energy. I dont mind spending a few days just by myself, or doing things on my own such as going to cafes, going shopping, travelling etc Being alone sometimes is a choice and something i enjoy.

However, when i was depressed that craving to be alone turned into isolation. It was no longer a healthy amount of time i spent on my own - or wanted to spend on my own. I tried to push everyone away, declined to meet people, declined to do anything. It wasnt fun to meet or be around people and i began to isolate myself.  There was a sense of lonliness when i was isolating myself, but when i just need alone time to regain energy then there is no lonliness and no pushing people away, instead its a selfcare choice for myself.

It is so important to be aware of how much time you spend on your own but also the reasons why. Are you pushing people away, isolating yourself? Maybe you dont want people to see your behaviours or interfere with your routines? Maybe you are struggling or suffering so much that you dont want people to be around you or you dont have energy to be around people. Or maybe your alone time is just because you enjoy it, because you know that the next day you will be around lots of people again so you just need your evenings to yourself? Or maybe you just need to turn your phone off for a while and deconnect and read to regain energy after a whole day with your family? Or maybe you spend alot of time on your own because you havent managed to make friends, and its not isolation or because you enjoy being on your own, but because you have no other choice... and then i would recommend starting a new hobby or group or something so that you meet new people and actively trying to talk to people and start a conversation. Friendships take time, but they often start with a similar interest or just a "hi" or asking a question.

Think about why you spend time on your own and ask yourself whether its a healthy amount of time on your own or not?
But also if you are the type of person who is never on your own maybe you need to ask yourself if you need to do just that.... spend a little more time with yourself. Sometimes when you spend too much time with other people you might also be running from something in your head, or a fear of being alone or lonely.

There is a much needed balance between socializing and beiing on your own. The balance is different for everyone, buts it can be beneficial to find what worksfor you and make sure that you arent isolating yourself and pushing people away and just saying that its because you are an "Introvert". For so long i pushed people away and used that excuse, but humans need contact and socialising... we aren't hermits or people living in solitude.... we need contact with other people and you should spend time with people who GIVE you energy, who make you feel happy and bring something positive into your life. When you find those types of people then you realise that you dont need as much time on your own but also that being in social company doesnt have to be draining if you are with the right people.



'

The goal is to live life, not just survive. The goal is to live life after hospital, not just get out and return to old habits.

Being in hospital is awful and most people dont like it. Most people just want to get out of hospital as quickly as possible. Whilst others love the comfort of a hospital, love the feeling of being taken care of and would much rather stay in the "safe zone" of a hospital and not have to deal with the outside life. But whatever the case is, the goal is to GET out of hospital and to LIVE life.

When i was an inpatient my main goal was to just get out of the hospital and continue with my ed behaviour... because the hospital was just stopping me from doing what my ED was telling me, so i just wanted to get out of there so that i could continue with my destructive behaviour. But that is not how it should be. If your main goal is to get out of hospital so that you can lose weight or listen to your eating disorder, then you are not ready to leave the hospital. But of course doctors dont think about this.... But i remember back in 2010 when my mum had done everything she could and promised the doctors that i would be fine to travel back to Ireland for christmas, of course the doctors really didnt want to let me go and said that if i had returned and lost weight i would be admitted to inpatient again. Of course all i thought about when i was told that i would travel back to Ireland for christmas was that i then had X days to lose all the weight i had gained, not eat and to exercise.... and that is exactly what i did. And safe to say that that christmas was one of the worst christmas' in my life... so many things went wrong and when i arrived back to Sweden i was x kilo lighter and my elecotrlyte balance was extremely low due to the purging i had been doing as well as the exercise and restriction.... i was told that i was close to having a heart attack due to the imbalance of electrolytes, and all i could think of was "good".

I spent so long in hospital and my only intention was to get out so that i could continue being sick, and well all that lead to was me spending more time in hospital and going in and out from inpatient. 

You have to realise and remember that being in hospital is a way to help you and keep you alive, and the goal is to get out of hospital and LIVE LIFE, create your life, deal with life. In hospital you should be taught coping mechanisms and how to deal with stress and triggors and how to deal with life, because being in hospital is "safe", but you cant stay there forever. And you cant spend your life going in and out of hospital either.

Sooner or later you have to realise that you need to live and create life, face your fears and learn to cope with the ups and downs. Life is like a roller coaster so there are good times and bad times but you have to learn to cope with them and not just run and hide. 

If you can relate to this post, then please take a few moments to just sit and think and realise that you shouldnt waste your life being in hospital. Hospital is not your life and it shouldnt be a comfort or safe zone, but also getting out of hospital doesnt mean that you just continue wth your ED behaviours because sooner or later you will be back to the hospital again. The goal is to stay healthy, keep progressing and be able to live the life you deserve!!

If the world was blind who would you impress?

This is going to be a ramble/thought post and as usual with these posts i never really know how they will turn out, i just felt i wanted to write about some thoughts i have been having.

So recently i have been thinking about how there are so many people who have their body image as their income. That they are dependant on how they look and showing off their physique and have to look a certain way to get enough likes or followers and money. Of course this sounds very judgemental (so i know im most likely being hypocritical in this post), but i think its a little sad when people are just "their bodies". When they spend their whole life trying to change their body or look a certain way, or they cant gain weight or gain fat because then they might not earn money. I personally dont find bodyspo or loads of pictures of guys or girls in little clothing so inspiring.... it doesnt evoke guilt or anxiety like it once did, but it is neither inspiring or something i need in my life. Sure i can think that a good physique can be a sign of dedication and yes, i think muscular people look good, just like i personally like a more athletic appearance on myself. We all want to look good and we all have our preferances, but sometimes i think.... why are people so focused on their body and wasting so many hours and days and months trying to change their body or hating their body? You aremore than your body, more than your legs or your stomach or your arms... you are your personality and your interests and hobbies. I mean if your only goal in life is to look a certain way or to have abs or slim legs then i dont know how happy or accomplished you will feel in life.... Sure we all want to look and feel good but dedicating your whole life to your body just seems so strange to me. Maybe that is because i have spent so many years of my life hating my body and wanting to change it and never being happy with the way i look, so now when i am at peace with my body and love and accept the way i look, i find it so strange to see how many people dedicate their lives to changing their appearance.

But moving on.... the whole body and appearance thing then got me thinking about, why do i share food pictures online? Because the truth is, nobody actually cares about what i eat. I am aware of this.... and then i asked myself, well isnt it just a waste of time? But then i thought,  if i can inspire atleast one person to eat more plant based that would be amazing. Or if i can inspire atleast one person to dare to listen to their body and eat intuitively, then i know i am making a difference. Sharing food pictures online is a little strange and like said, nobody really cares..... but in a way i still believe i can make a difference as well as enjoying it. Why would i do it otherwise?

But i feel like the things i do in life need to have a purpose and a meaning. My blog posts shouldnt just be words written for no meaning, but to try to inspire and help others. I want to make a difference with the things i do.... i want to help and make a difference in the world. Help people with their health, inspire others, inspire others to eat more plant based or make small differences in their life towards better health and also a better planet. Inspire others to be kind, to be happy and positive and to want to aim for their goals.

I dont want the things i do in life to be pointless or meaningless. I dont want to share a picture just because or write some words without meaning.

Of course, my snapchat pictures might not have alot of meaning behind them, hahaha. But i feel like the things i do in life and the things i share on here and some of my other social media - i want to make a difference.

I remember in the past i used to share so many body pictures and also basically food diaries (though they were requested), and now it just makes me laugh. Of course i still post some pictures of myself, maybe i want to share an outfit or maybe i just felt super happy when the picture was taken so i wanted to share it.... but it feels like sharing a daily stomach photo or a bicep flexing photo is just completely unnecessary and pointless? Just like sharing every single meal i eat is very pointless even if its requested.... what i do post should actually have some form of meaning behind it, even if that meaning or purpose is just that the cinnamon bun i ate was damn delicious!

Anyway.... just some thoughts i had this morning. Maybe think about your own actions.... who would you inspire or impress if everyone was blind?

But also to remember that you are more than your body - if the only thing that makes you happy is your body, then think about what would happen if you ended up having your body change whether it was weight gain or weightloss or muscle loss or due to injury/surgery. You need to be more than your body, but also i guess if you post alot online then maybe ask yourself why... if the answer is, You love what you post, then GO FOR IT. If it makes you happy, do it. I am pretty sure people question somethings i post online, but if it makes me happy ill post it. And that answer is enough - but if you post things just because or just because you are fishing for likes then maybe your intentions need to change?


Anyway, just some Sunday morning thoughts which i wanted to share!!

What are your thoughts or opinions on this? 

normal people thoughts

I remember when i was sick i always wondered, what do normal people think about? And i also wondered how normal people didnt seem to think about food so often, some even forgot to eat, i just didnt understand it. My thoughts were always on food, calories, weight, exercise, my body. I spent most of my time counting calories and thinking about calories. If i ever went out to eat or had to face a fear food i would sit and just look at what others ate and guess how much calories was in the food they were eating, and then i would wonder how could they just sit and eat and look so calm when i was freaking out over a small biscuit i had to eat. I was consumed by my eating disorder thoughts and if i wasnt thinking about food or weight or exercise i would be thinking about suicide and death or freaking out from guilt and anxiety. I remember longing to just be normal.... have normal people problems and normal people thoughts, but i didnt think that would be possible.... to one day not be consumed by numbers... to one day not be consumed with hate for my body, and one day not be consumed by self hate and suicidal thoughts.

What i can say is that it is possible to reach that mindset. But like mentioned many times before, its about change of thoughts and distractions and living life.  I dont know what everyone thinks about, and thoughts are so varied but i can say that my own normal thoughts during a day are often about school, my school work, what i should blog about, what my goals are, planning for the day and organizing and then of course some worrying about the future.  And of course there are some food thoughts such as what i should make for dinner if i dont have a meal already made, or whether i have the ingridients to make the food i am craving, but otherwise i dont spend so much time thinking about food.

My normal people problems might be a little more "sick" as i do struggle with anxiety and some form of depression so its not always "healthy thouhts or problems" i have. But for the majority of the time my problems are.... Scheduling in everything i want to do, what to wear, having enough money, school work, trying to have a clean room etc
  And i much rather choose all of these small "Problems" compared to the problems i had when i was struggling with my eating disorder. Back then all i longed for was to have a day where my worst problem was trying to find the right clothes to wear, instead of being told that i was going to spend X weeks more in hospital, or crying because the sauce had cream in it, or having an anxiety attack because my meal plan was being raised.


It is possible to reach a healthy mindset - and that should be the ultimate goal. Because without a healthy mind its hard to be 100% healthy. Because even if physical health is recommended, you also need your mind to be your friend and to be healthy as well. Your mind controls you, so you need to make sure that your thoughts are healthy.

The more focus on life and living and putting energy into things that bring you forward in life and less focus on things that hold you back or make you sick.  Its a process, just like everything else and i wish i could give you a 5 step program to be free from the obsessive thoughts but unfortunatly that is not possible. Its all up to you to try to think differently, to set up goals that bring you towards a healthy mindset.

You also need to remember that the problems you are dealing with now, they wont last forever. One day you will look back and think "wow, i actually got past that struggle, or that problem resolved itself even if i didnt think it would." (This is a reminder to myself as well - as i worry too much about current problems!)

One day, hopefully your worst problem of the day will be that you forgot to wash your hair and its greasy or that your sock has a hole in it!!!

"Who am I?" - finding yourself

One of the important things (amongst many!) in recovery is finding who YOU are. Letting go of your eating disorder or mental illness and finding yourself. Because your identity is not your eating disorder or your mental illness, even if you become known as the "sick person" or the "fragile person" or the "depressed person", that is not who you are. You may have an illness but that is not who you are, you are so much more.

Part of recovery is letting go and trying to find yourself and also learning to be and love yourself. A mental illness is also a form of an escape, an escape from life but also sometimes an escape from yourself. If you have low self esteem or low confidence you just sort of accept those, or you accept your illness as you... or you think, "i will always be sick", "I am the sick person", but that is not the case. You can choose freedom and recovery and to be who you are.

But also to not label yourself. One thing i hate is labels... I am not a recovered anorexic. I am not a gym rat. I am not a vegan. I am not a feminist. I am not depressed. I am not my cystic fibrosis. Of course, i am all of those things... but i dont want to label myself. Because i am more than labels... i am a happy girl who loves to be positive, who loves to see others happy and loves to listen to music and podcasts, loves to laugh, loves to workout, loves to learn and help others. I love to colour and love seeing colourful things, i love being motivational, i love seeing people reach their goals, i love being positive and enthusiastic in life, i love caring for others and animals and thinking about everyone. I love exercising, i love happiness, i love adventures and exploring, i love travelling, i love tattoos and animals and social media. ALL OF THOSE THINGS are who i am. I am my interests and my hobbies, i am my personality, my mind and my behaviours.

A good thing to ask yourself is.... "who am i if i dont have an eating disorder/mental illness". "Who am i if i dont exercise or if i amnt known as the 'gymrat/runner'?".

One of the things ive done in my life is to ask myself, who would i be if i didnt workout? Ive been known as the runner or the gymrat in my group od friends and my family. But you know what, i am more than that... and i dont want that label on me. So for example say if you are known as the dancer or the runner or the swimmer or the gamer.... think about what you would be without those things? And ask yourself whether those labels define you or not?

You need to find yourself and a good way to do that is to ask yourself what you enjoy doing. Do things you enjoy, look at your personality and your behaviours and who you are. But also learn to LOVE who you are.

Sure there are things i would like to change in my personality, such as i can be impatient and i dont often share my emotions or thoughts, but they make me who i am. Just like my positive thinking and positive outlook make me who i am.

You are not your illness and you need to learn to find and be yourself!


Its hard to get my point and my thoughts out correctly, but i hope that this post is somewhat coherent and maybe makes you think. Stop labelling yourself and instead find yourself. Or CREATE yourself. For example if you have been sick for many years its like you lose yourself in your illness, but then you can create yourself again by trying new things, exploring, finding what you enjoy and your personality outside of the illness and the sadness and routines!

Sending nondiet messages to children

Ii saw this picture and i love it because it is such a great reminder for parents or parents to be. But even siblings and other family members or even teachers.... everyone basically.

I remember when i was younger i was always told to eat lots and take an extra portion whereas my sister who was bigger then me was always told to eat less by family members. (My parents never told my sister to eat less, it was just older family members such as grandparents and aunts).
My mum has always had a very healthy relationship with food where we grew up eating mostly whole foods - alot of fruit, vegetables, oats, lentils, beans and then on Fridays or Saturdays we would get to buy some treats such as chocolate or ice cream. My dad on the other hand is a big meat eater and we would eat meat while we stayed at his place and lots of white bread and ice cream with apple pie. But we had a healthy relationship with food, it was a balance.

But i believe that it can be very different in many other households where parents are very diet focused and that affects the children. The parents might talk badly about their own body or be on a diet or talk about good and bad food... or maybe they give food to children as a reward or feed the child lots of mcdonalds or processed food which isnt healthy either.  I dont have kids myself so i can only imagine how hard it is to raise children and the struggle of just getting them to eat or to be silent, so im guessing at times its easier to just give them some pasta and meat balls or give them a bag of crisps to keep them silent - but it is so important for children to get the right nutrition and all the vitamins and minerals they need!

Children often do what parents do, they hear their parents talking negatively about food or their body and that affects the children either consciously or sub consciously. Of course i understand that some people need to be on diets or eat in a certain way to lose weight even hwen they have children, but i am sure you can do it in a way that isnt so obvious, just eat smaller portions. But also not to label food as good or bad or have food as rewards, but that food should be something delicious and seen as fuel. Predominatly whole foods and then "treats" occasionaly. No good or bad food, just about moderation.

There is so much more i could write about this and i think it is an important topic which many need to consider. Sending diet messages or talking negatively about your own appearance can influence children who are near you. For example i believe that teachers play a huge roll in this as well, they can set a good example regarding food and body image if they send the right messages and teach good nutrition as well as positive body image from a young age!!

Happiness doesnt come from being the skinniest or losing lots of weight (masterpost)

Body love and body acceptance is about looking in the mirror and being happy  about the way you look. Its about knowing that you will have days you are bloated and it doesnt matter. Knowing that saome days you will feel less happy and other days more happy. Its about feeling ok in your body and your body image. Learnng to love how you look, or atleast accept and be ok with how you look and not feeling the need to change your appearance or try to look like someone else. Its about accepting your flaws and accepting who you are.

If you have lost alot of weight due to your eating disorder and you need to regain that weight, it does mean that your body will change. The changes arent negative or bad ones, they are changes your body has to make to be healthy again. Its not always easy to accept the changes your body goes through, but its something you just need to do. You cant spend your whole life hating your body or trying to change your body because then you will never be at peace with your body, you will lack confidence and just not feel good about yourself if you are constantly wishing to look like someone else or wishing your body looked different. There are so many other important things in life to worry about and other things to put your focus and energy on, rather than worrying about your body. Also remember that all those "flaws" you see - only you notice them.

You have to take the attention away from your body and realize that you look the way you do. Genetics play a huge role in how you look and certain things you just cant change and you just need to be ok with that. But also accepting the fact that people look different, there will ALWAYS be someone skinnier than you and someone bigger than you. And its just to accept that fact. There is NO pride in being the skinniest or being the leanest. Focus on loving yourself and unfollow any accounts that might trigger you or make you feel bad about your body.

Recovery is about learning to love your healthy body. Not just your appearance, but learn to be happy in your body because it is stronger, because it is healthier and more capable. Strength training and running were two things that made it easier for me to love my body, not because it changed my body but because i realised what my body could do. I loved having a healthier and stronger body and realizing that i could carry groceries from the store without getting tired, i could go for runs and not feel like fainting, i could lift weights and notice myself getting stronger. There is of course a negative to working out because it can lead you to become focused on looking "fit" or having abs or being super lean, but if you just focus on what your body can do and not changing your body it can make it easier for you to love your body and love exercise. Compared to if you exercise just to change your body.


Reliase that there is no pride or achievement in being the skinniest. There is however achievement in being healthy, mentally and physically. Knowing that you are fueling your body properly, treating it properly and being capable of living life.

Your body will change in recovery and some of my tips are to
1) get rid of old triggering photos of yourself.
2) Get rid of too small clothes.
3) No measuring or weighing yourself
4) Unfollow triggering accounts
5) Say 5 positive things about yourself every morning and evening
6) If you ever get negative thoughts about yourself change them to positive ones. Dont let the negative thoughts win.
7)Wear comfortable clothes. Take care of your skin and hair. Make yourself feel good.
8) Accept your flaws. We all have small things we get caught up on about ourselves. But learn to accept them and just be ok with them.
9) Realise that changing your body wont bring happiness if the problem is in your head.
10) Do things that make you feel more body confident. Maybe wear a tight top. Go swimming. Buy an outfit that makes you feel confident. Get your hair cut or dye your hair. Get a massage. etc All those things force you to feel more confident in your body.


Its a learning process and it takes time. But changing your thoughts is the important thing. If you constantly long back to a skinny body or constantly think about changing your body or wanting to look like someone else, then it is very hard to learn to love yourself and be ok with your body. It all starts in your head!!

Below are some other helpful posts:
Not being the skinniest anymore and how to adjust

Seeing your body change - eating disorder recovery
Be your own "body goals"
Learn to love your body
Good body image days shouldnt just be when you feel skinny or thin
Learning self love - my self love journey
Dealing with your body changing in recovery
My weght distribution during recovery (contains trggering pictures)
How to feel confident in yourself and your body
I'm weight restored, what happens now
If i can't be skinny, i'll be fit
Summer body and going on detoxes
10 better body affirmations

Making excuses in life and in recovery

Something which you might find yourself doing while sick or "trying" to recover is making alot of excuses as to why you can't actually recover or challenge a fear or do something that is scary but part of recovery.

You come with all types of reasons that hold you back. Whether you say, "i will be fat if i gain weight", "i will hate myself even more when i reach my goal weight", "i wont be happy when i have reached my goal weight", "i cant gain weight because of X or Y", "I dont need to be able to eat x or y food", "i dont need to rest now even though i should - but i have energy so i'll exercise anyway", "Everyone else is exercising, so i will as well", "I cant eat my night snack that contains bread because i already ate bread for breakfast", "I can't eat lunch because i am going to go out to a restaurant to eat dinner"  etc etc etc

I often find that when i have email contact with people, trying to give them advice they often answer back with reasons or excuses as to why that advice wouldnt work for them. All reasons to get out of doing what you should/need to do. Talking yourself out of recovery and giving yourself reasons as to why you can't do something, but all that is doing is holding you back. All the excuses you make just keep you sick and is your illness talking for you, trying to keep you in your comfort zone and not have to face your fears.

But it is when you drop those excuses and begin to really make a change that you begin to progress in recovery.

While i was sick i often gave the reason that i didnt like certain foods so that i wouldnt have to eat them. But once i began to be honest with myself and to try those foods again i realised that so many of the foods i said i didnt like, i actually liked. And many of the foods i did eat i didnt even like, but ate them because they were low calories.

Excuses aren't just in recovery, but in life in general as well. Giving excuses that hold us back in life... of course not all reasons are excuses, i.e sometimes when i dont want to go out due to being very tired that isnt an excuse, that is an actual valid reason just like if someone who has celiac disease say they dont eat gluten that isnt an excuse it is an actual reason.

At times your illness can be a valid reason and sometimes an excuse. For example say if you have plans to meet friends but then your depression or anxiety hits hard and you feel that you can barely function due to it, then it is an actual valid reason as to why you might not go out. But then if you have just a little anxiety or worry about what you might do or worried about the evening because of the unknown or whatever so  you give the excuse, "i can't i am too tired", when in reality it is just a little anxiety and that actually facing that anxiety and leaving would be the best option and most helpful in the long term. If you get the difference? Hard to explain in text.


It is time to stop holding yourself back, both in life and recovery and be honest with yourself. Are you making excuses to get out of things that need to be done or should be done? Are you holding yourself back from progressing in life and/or recovery?