Learning about eating disorders in class - after being recovered

As a few of you were interested in the topic i thought i would try to write this post before my feelings and thoughts about the topic disappear.

So last week as part of my current university course, where we are learning about different illnesses and what nutrition advice should be given to people with those illnesses. Eating disorders was one of them. However the course didn't go so deep into eating disorders or even the nutrition advice given as eating disorders is such a broad topic and the advice given depends on the eating disorder as well as the individual. Though we talked a little about refeeding syndrome as well as the fact that eating disorders are mental illnesses (which i like that the teacher mentioned i.e many are quick to just say... oh its young girls who are insecure and go on a diet and end up with an eating disorder). I also like that the teacher mentioned that many people with an eating disorder do end up switching eating disorder i.e from anorexia to bulimia/binge eating or vice versa and that it is far more common than you think, and this is somethig i have written alot about on here as well. Because many people email or message me regularly telling me that they have gone from anorexia to binge eating and feel so ashamed and out of control,  and you have to realise that binge eating/bulimia also requires help and isnt something you should feel ashamed about, its more common thank you think and it just makes recovery even harder and longer if you dont reach out for help.

Anyway, what were my thoughts during that lecture about eating disorders? Well first off i didnt learn anything new as we just talked about symptoms, help, what recovery might entail i.e the different forms of therapy for the eating disorders and also some of the criteria to be diagnosed for the different eating disorders. No new information, if anything i could have gotten up there in the lecture hall and had my own lecture where i could have added so much more advice and information..... but thats for the future i guess!

My thoughts and feelings? I must admit at first i felt very strange, a little panicked in a sense.... "like i didnt want to be there". I think during the whole lecture it felt like 90% of the people were sitting on needles... it was a weird and tense vibe in the room and i think that is because eating disorders are such a sensitive topic not to mention a huge topic which does effect many. I think almost everyone in the room either knows someone who has suffered with an eating disorder in someway or has suffered themselves.

I am guessing i amnt the only one who has had an eating disorder in the class... i know a few who have mentioned that they have had different eating problems in the past and 1 or 2 who still suffer in some form but are "functional sufferers" so to say. Healthy enough to function almost properly and go to school but still very much controlled with their eating and exercise. During the lecture i began to wonder how many people in the room actually had or have had an eating disorder im pretty sure that its more than i think.... after all many people who have or have had an eating disorder are drawn to programs and courses about nutrition or exercise. I know some people in my class have found me on social media so they know that i have had an eating disorder though whether they have looked on my blog or scrolled through my social media very far, i dont know..... but i felt like i had a few eyes on me during the lecture, HOWEVER i think that was just me being paranoid and not actually the case.

It was weird to sit in the lecture when talking about eating disorders, mostly because i just wanted to add so much more information. I used to be embarrassed about the fact that i struggled but as the years pass i am less embarrassed and can imagine doing lectures in the future where i can help to inspire and motivate and give information about eating disorders... not being ashamed about my past.

I also noticed that the teacher was being very aware and cautious as it is such a sensitive topic but he did a good job nonetheless i guess!

I dont really know what more to add.... but it did bring back old memories. When we began talking about the treatment forms i almost wanted to hide under my seat when the memories about inpatient, tube feeding, day patient, daily blood checks and sitting across from a nurse forcing me to eat - began to flow into my mind. .... it almost felt like i had a huge red finger pointing at me showing everyone that in the past i had been through those things, however that once again was just me being paranoid haha.

Anyway, i felt strange after the lecture and glad that it was just a short one and now im wondering if i actually want to take further courses in eating disorders or whether that would be a little to hard/sensitive for me, with my own experience and research i doubt i would learn anything new. However it would be fun to learn more about the psychology behind eating disorders...... in future classes however we will talk more about nutrition advice to people with eating disorders as well as how to talk to people who are sick and how to give advice without upsetting them as well as a more health promotion way of giving advice and inspiring patients rather than just giving 100 pieces of advice and wishing the patient well - instead inspiring and motivating!

Now when i think about it.... i wonder how i would feel if we had a lecture about depression or anxiety... we most likely wont as those are mental illnesses and we are doing physical illnesses and nutrition. But i am pretty sure i would feel sort of triggered and very sensitive during a lecture about those topics.... it would be far too soon for me if i am honest, and i dont even know why i think its just that too many memories come back and suddenly i dont feel "Normal" anymore... suddenly all i remember is the illness and its something i cant push to the back of my mind, i think thats one of the reasons i dont like the lectures about things such as eating disorders or depression....


If you have any questions about this topic or have any other questions or topic suggestions comment below :)

Eating for numbers or eating 'just because'

Yesterday when doing a random "keep clicking to the next video" on youtube i ended up watching a bunch of random "what i eat in a day" videos. So many different ways of eating its almost a little fascinating and irritating at times, haha. I used to watch alot of food challenges however the more i learn about nutrition not to mention that looking at non vegan food challenges doesnt really appeal to me anymore, however the more i learn the more i feel sorry for the peoples' bodies who have to deal with all the junk food/processed food. If its just once its not such a big deal but many do continuous challenges and it just turns into a huge challenge followed by restrictive eating or other compensatory methods after eating so much and it just all feels a bit messed up, not to mention cant be healthy in the short or long term.

But one thing i noticed when watching the videos is that there are 2 (and plenty) more ways of eating which i wanted to comment on.

One of the ways of eating was "eating just because".... i.e eat grilled cheese sandwich with white bread for breakfast, pasta with cheese and bacon for lunch and pizza for dinner and inbetween its some cookies or chocolate and maybe some ice cream for dessert. The person eating just because they need to eat. Now dont get me wrong, eating like this once in a while is no problem and these types of foods aren't "Bad" (no food is bad... its about the amount and frequency of food eaten). But what struck me was that the closest the person got to a vegetable was the sauce on their pizza. Sure the day had alot of energy but very little micronutrients. IF this was a once off it wouldnt matter, we all have days where the closest we get to a vegetable is the ruccola on the pizza we eat or some random spices on our pasta, thats OK. However if its an everyday thing thats when the problems *might* come in the long term.

Then however there was another way of eating where food is just numbers. Where the person didnt eat for enjoyment but ate for numbers and ended up eating a bowl of just plain white rice to reach their number of carbs. Everything had to be tracked and counted and couldnt choose what they wanted to eat. Instead the food was measured and weighed and put into a calorie counting app and there seemed to be very little enjoyment in the food..... Of course i get that some people when competing in fitness follow this way of eating (and i have my opinions about this, but thats for another rainy day!). But it just seems a little sad when food is just seen as numbers.... a potato is seen as X carbs and 6 potatoes need to be eaten to reach their carb level.... wait no, infact only 5,5 potatoes is allowed. It takes the fun and enjoyment away from food.
I've measured and weighed food and eaten according to macros or just calories and it isnt a fun way of eating.... all i could see was numbers and it didnt matter that avocado or nuts or dark chocolate was healthy, they all contained too many calories to be allowed in my diet.

Food is an enjoyment and it should be enjoyed, of course there also needs to be some awareness and knowledge about nutrition and knowing WHY you eat, and that is to get all the vitamins and minerals you need. Because in the end you can eat 2500kcal everyday from just pasta but you will eventually end up with vitamin and mineral deficiency, or you could track every little micro and macro nutrient and feel unhappy and unsatisfied because meals are just a maths problem and food is just numbers. Neither way are a good way to live.

The balance. Eat some veggies and fruit daily, eat food you enjoy, everything in balance and moderation, drink water throughout the day. You dont need to track your food to be healthy, just try to have some common sense. Eating more carbs than usual wont hurt you, eating more fat than usual wont make you fat, eating less protein than usual wont make you lose muscle. And even if you have a day where you eat lots or dont eat very nutritionally dense it wont harm you, its about a longer period of time of a certain way of eating.

Find balance and find enjoyment from eating! Just eating pizza is just as bad as eating only broccoli.... though if im honest, i would much rather recommend only eating pizza (because then you atleast get carbs, fat and protein) compared to just eating broccoli where you would much quicker end up with nutrient and energy deficiency!!!

What is a normal way to feel about your body?

I got asked about the topic of, what is a normal way to feel about your body?

And the truth is... i can't tell you, and i dont know if anyone can. Or i guess in theory i can tell you how you *should* feel, i.e to love yourself, feel happy, feel ok, not feel like your body is too big or too small. Not feel like you are taking up too much room, not feel trapped in your body, not want to cut your skin or fat off, not hate your body, not think about your body too much. But in reality that is not always how it is.

Self love takes time and doesnt happen over night. But even if you love yourself and love your body you might still have down days... all the body positive preachers i follow online say the same thing. That they have down days about their body, but they keep going and dont let that ruin their day or make them resort to negative behaviours instead they just keep going and focus even harder on loving themselves that day. Which is what ive always said the past 5 years. That 98% of the time (this number varies hahah) i love myself and my body and dont think much about my body but sometimes i have down days and bad body image days and feel uncomfortable in my body or feel like i am taking up too much space or like my body isnt really my own. A strange feeling.... HOWEVER i can almost always link that feeling to something else whether its stress, haven't slept enough or eaten enough, if i have anxiety or if its just water retention and bloating can cause a feeling of "this isnt my body".

How you feel about your body can change all the time and can be dependant on many factors not to mention that during your period you can bloat and hormones affect how you feel which can make you feel strange in your body. But the thing that helps is to realise WHY you feel that way... because the problem most often isnt your body but something else. However if it is something that you have gained alot of weight in a short period of time, for example people with the diagnosis hypothyroidism can get alot of weight in a very short time and that can make them feel uncomfortable and strange in their body. And if a person has been slim for their whole life and then rapidly gains weight it can definitely lead to uncomfortable or strange feelings about your body - and then its best to talk to a professional dietician or doctor to help with weight loss if that is needed.

What a normal feeling about your body also varies according to your upbringing and who you surround yourself with and what you let influence/impact you. In different societies and cultures people most likely have a different view and feeling about their body. Not to mention what what media influences you with.

In the past it was all about curvy and voluptuous women, then it was super skinny and now in the society i live in there is a huge focus on lean and muscular (but not too muscular) women... and that of course affects how people think when there is an *ideal* body, and that body varies over generations.

Outside factors influence how you feel about your body and its hard to not get impacted by different images and messages which are always around you.

But my best advice and how to theoretically feel about your body is to:

1) Not feel like your body is in the way or like it is too big.
2) Not feel like you are taking up too much space.
3) Not want to cut of your skin/fat
4) Feel ok with your body in all positions i.e standing, lying down, sitting, moving your body. Not dislike stomach rolls or when your body looks different in different angles.

My advice would be to LIVE LIFE so you dont have time to just sit and think about your body.
MOVE YOUR BODY i.e realise that your body is more than your appearance and begin to appreciate your body for what it can do.
SELF LOVE DAILY whether thats spending a few minutes looking in the mirror and just saying nice things about yourself, or writing body positive messages you can look at or just writing a list of positive things about yourself you can look at everyday and keep adding things as you get more confident and happy in your body.

I believe it is ok to change your body to some extent to bring better confidence or happiness however you also have to realise that changing your body doesnt automatically bring happiness if the problem is in your head. Sometimes all you need to do is stop thinking so much about your body and just live life.

I can say that when i workout and now when working again i dont think ive ever appreciated or loved my body so much as when i work and realise how capable and functional my body is. Even just when walking home from the store with heavy groceries i realise how thankful i am for my body and that is what is important about my body, that i can live life even if i have some hinders and injuries that stop me, but my body is still functional!!

I also believe that how/what you eat and your lifestyle affects how you feel about your body as well. I know that times when i eat alot of junk food i personally dont feel so great in my body... not that i hate my body or anything, just that its another *feeling* like i feel more sluggish and strange. Not to mention when i am very stressed or havent slept enough its the same strange feeling. Compared to when i live a balanced life, eat 90% unprocessed foods, drink enough water and sleep enough then i have a much better feeling in my body. So your food intake plays a huge roll in how you feel... eating for YOUR OPTIMAL health. I.e if you are always eating things you are intolerant to or your body reacts negatively towards then it can be hard to feel 100% comfortable in your body if your stomach is always bloated or cramping or food isnt being digested properly.

SO...... If you are healthy tell me how YOU feel about your body. What are your best tips for feeling more happy in your body?

And know that its ok to have bad body image days, but you should not resort to negative or destructive behaviours, instead work on those feelings so that bad body image days become fewer!!

What eating habits were you taught as a child? - Eating habits i was taught as a child

I thought i would do a little experiment... sort of! As i got asked about what eating habits i was taught as a child and if they might have in some way affected me getting an eating disorder. (Actual comment below!)

The way your parents talk about food has a huge impact - i believe - on your relationship with food when you are older. No, i dont think that parents give their children eating disorders but i think that if parents talk about food or their body in a negative way that can definitely impact the child and maybe be the catalyst to a child developing an eating disorder. I know some parents talk about food as good and bad, food they can and cant eat and talk about their body image and food ina negative way... that in turn is how the child will think about food. But also if a child is taught that they can eat chocolate, burgers and pizza all the time that is what they will learn and believe in and that can affect them negatively in the future and affect their weight negatively.
Its not easy being a parent - i dont know from personal experience (hahah) - but i am guessing its hard anyway. You need to be a role model and teach your child good eating habits and learn them to see food as nutritious and something they need to eat and that certain foods can be eaten and enjoyed but in moderation!

So, how did my parents talk about food/teach me how to eat when i was younger?

I had two different sides/opinions on food when i was younger. My mum... a yoga teacher who was very holistic with her view on food. It was nothing extreme but my sister and i grew up eating alot of whole foods, lots of lentils, vegetables, brown bread etc with our mum and then on Saturdays or Fridays we would have a treat day where we would buy some junk food and watch movies. So it was nothing extreme, it was moderation and a good balance in my opinon. My mum is also a pescetarian so we mostly ate vegetarian and sometimes fish, but as i did like chicken my mum would buy that for me (my siser turned vegetarian when she was around 12/13 i think... or earlier).

My dad on the other side is a big meat eater and eats alot of sandwiches, however he never ate "bad" either. It was just alot of standard irish meals... lots of potatoe, lots of meat, vegetables... irish roast dinners and such and dessert after dinner.

I dont think my parents ever talked about food as good or bad, however i was always told i needed to eat more. I was always the one who got the extra food and last serving as i was underweight/low weight when i was a child and always told to eat more and more.... which when i got older began to annoy me alot as i realised most other kids arent told to eat more, but are infact told to eat less.

I was a very picky eater as a child and if people said things about food i couldnt eat it... there were plenty of times i refused to eat because my sister or someone else would talk about something disgusting while eating or would say things such as your food looks like X or Y. Luckily i have grown out of this now, but when i was child things such as that could easily make me lose my appetite and not want to eat.

When i began with treatment for my eating disorder the doctors were quick to blame my mum for my eating disorder however i think that is silly. She taught me to eat my veggies and to eat wholesome food first and foremost and then chocolate and crisps as a treat and neither of my parents affected my view on food negatively.. instead my eating disorder developed from wanting control.

However i do remember that being told to eat more all the time was very annoying and made me feel different and instead made me refuse to eat the last serving even if i wanted it, just because i was told i had to eat it or that I was the only one who was allowed to take more, i didnt like the special treatment.

I believe that compared to other children i was taught rather good eating habits... many children never learn to eat vegetables or like whole foods, instead they grow up eating lots of processed food and become addicted to salt and sugar at a young age which can be negative in the future. I was taught a good relationship with food and a balance and i thank my parents for that!! Of course, i have my opinons on the food we ate i.e it was ALOT of meat and dairy, but thats what was normal back then.... if i were to have children in the future i would raise them with moderation and balance and first and foremost a vegan/vegetarian diet, but they would of course be allowed to choose whether they wanted to eat meat or dairy or not, as that is a choice they get to make when they are old enough.

Anyway... i would like to know what eating habits YOU were taught when you were younger and do you think they have had a positive or negative impact on your relationship with food.

A little semi experiment to see......


*The real comment asking about this below:

This is not particularly important so please don't worry if you don't have time to answer, but I have been wondering about how "normal" people teach their children normal/healthy eating habits. I think that as a child the eating habits I was taught were, in retrospect, not especially normal, and I have read that many people with eating disorders later on did have a few oddities in the way they were brought up around food. I don't think it "caused" my eating disorder at all, but it has made it harder and more strange to work out what normal or sensible eating patterns are -- if I think back to before the ED, I just realise "other children can't have been taught like that!" and I wonder how they were taught. 
I'm curious to know what other people's experiences were. However, it is not a problem so please don't worry if it's a question too many!

Never stop learning or being curious

I may not show it on here or even in real life, but i am someone who has alot of questions but i don't often say them out loud.

I've always been someone who loves taking things apart to figure out how they work. When i was younger i just couldn't understand how tv's, computers or mobiles worked, they were so fascinating to and it happened on more than one occasion where my mum would come into the living room and see me trying to take those things apart to see what was on the inside. The one thing i did manage to take apart was the TV remote but it didnt make me any smarter in understanding how it worked.

I have alot of "how and what and why" questions in my mind. And it feels like the more i learn the less i feel i know because i just have more questions. I want to understand. I want to know. If i could, i would want to know alot about everything, but that isnt possible (or who knows, if i were to dedicate my life and every moment to it it might be, haha. Never say never!)

I began thinking about my curiosity and realised that it is one of the things that i love about life... learning new things. Being curious about life and how things work, and the best feeling is when you get a better understanding of something. While i was depressed or had no life motivation i didn't have much curiosity either... i didn't care. What did it matter how things worked or why, nothing really mattered and learning more or being curious didn't appeal to me either.

And i began thinking about how dull and boring life is if you don't keep learning and growing? If you aren't interested in something? If you don't have questions and curiosities... if there is no life motivation.

One of the things that helped me in both recovery from an eating disorder and depressions is learning more... being curious. How does the body work, how does the brain work. What does food do in the body, how does exercise impact the body, how do different medications work on the brain, what is depression and why does it happen, what is an eating disorder and why does it happen? There was alot of googling and reading books to help answer my questions. Of course with most questions and answers there are 2 sides and you need to be critical of the source of the information and not just believe the first thing you see. But in recovery it helped to learn more and to get a better understanding as to why i needed to recover and what was happening in my body.

Of course when you have 101 questions to be answered, sometimes the best thing is to do your own research but as i mentioned earlier, its important to be critical of the source!!

I know this might be a strange post, but it was something i thought about and how it can be annoying to have so many questions and feel like i don't understand some things, but at the same time that is one of the amazing things about life that i CAN learn and can get a better understanding. I much rather have 101 questions about life and different things in life than have no interest or curiosity in life at all!!

Looking back - realizing how much has changed.

If someone told me 1 year ago that i would be happy and enjoying life i would not have believed them.

If someone told me 2 years ago that i had moved away from home - finally - and lived in 2 different cities and gone to two different universities. Not to mention become more social and open and made new friends, i would not have believed them. Also that i would be happy and capable of living on my own and dealing with stress and not feeling isolated or lonely or suicidal, but actually able to live a functioning life.

If someone told me 3 years ago that i had gone vegan and no longer ate chicken, quark or eggs i would have laughed and said that would never happen.

If someone told me 4 years ago that i can make friends in school, i can meet new people and try new things and step outside of my comfort zone in so many different ways both with work, school, life, health, friends etc i would not have believed them.

If someone told me 5 years ago that there are different forms of training than just cardio machines, not to mention more training than just going to a gym everyday i would have slightly panicked and thought "what is exercise and does it even count if its not 1-2 hours cardio?"

If someone told me 5 years ago that i could eat normally, that i could eat without restriting, eat without purging or binging, eat without compensating, eat without feeling guilty i would have thought they were straight up lying, because i could see no way that was possible for me. No way i could be free from the obsessive and controlling thoughts in my head and the constant guilt and anxiety connected with food, life, control and my body.

If someone told me 6 years ago that i could eat normally and care free, i could live a life i had only dreamed of and that i was no longer stuck in hospital i would have thought it was impossible, that i would have died before that became a reality.

If someone told me 7 years ago that i could love my body and no longer want to change it. .That i no longer cared about a number on the scale, no longer cared about bloating or having fat on my body, no longer cared about bones showing or wanting to disappear and not take up place, i would have wondered how that is even a possible reality when i hated my body and myself so much.

If someone told me 8 years ago that i would be a strong, independant woman who loves herself and loves life and deals with the ups and downs of life i would have thought the person was lying and that that was not a reality for me, just a dream. I was a shy girl, an introverted girl (which i still am in some way) but life has made me tough and strong both physically and mentally and i am strong and independant and can deal with life and not use destructive behaviours to cope.


Life may seem tough now.... i know how tough it is when you are struggling but one day you may look back, just like im doing now and realised that your dreams now, can be a reality in the future. But it also means change and working towards that new reality. You cant expect things to be different if you dont change them.

Time passes, day by day, month by month, year by year. Im not saying this to stress you out, but to remind you that you can CHANGE... anytime, its all up to you and whether you like it or not, the days or passing and its up to you to make the best of those days and the best of your life.

You wont ever regret FULL/REAL recovery, but you will regret staying sick. (Because yes, even if you didnt choose to become sick you ALWAYS have the choice to become healthy and each day you dont make steps towards recovery you are choosing to stay sick.)

So decide to make a change and even if it takes time, even if it takes months or years you will thank yourself.

I am happy that i kept going, i am happy that i didnt give up or didnt decide that in 2015 or 2016 everything was too much and i rather not keep going. But i did and here i am now, so much happier and healthier and almost a year (c.a 9-10 months) of being "free" from depression/depressive thoughts and i am living a much better life which i could only dream of back then!!

So keep going and make changes!

Blogging, my thoughts and the future of my blog

Something i have been meaning to film as its easier to talk about than to write in words but you might have noticed i am rather absent on here and there are many reasons for that. But one of the reasons is that each day that passes i am further from the illness. I have been "declared healthy" for 5 years and have felt fully healthy for 4 years. That means that i do find it rather hard to relate to being anxious about food, having fear foods, exercising to burn calories or any other things like that. Its hard to write advice when its hard to remember what it felt like to feel that way. Its easier to write about depression, anxiety, panic attacks and just current life and happiness than it is to write about disordered eating and thoughts. But also i feel i am alot more careful about the advice i want to give, because first and foremost professional care needs to be sought. If you are experiencing pains or problems then its best to go to a doctor and not just ask people online if it will go away or what the pain may be, because there could be so many reasons why. But also things such as bloating, indigestion, coldness, sleeping problems and different pains can all last different amounts of times for individuals. Some people dont bloat or have indigestion at all, others have it for months. Some people only deal with bloating, others get different digestion problems and stomach issues.

Also how much you should eat and what you should eat is so different. There is a reason that there are qualified dietitians and nutritionists, of course they are expensive, but they have studied for several years and their information isnt cheap. When it comes to nutrition you need it to be individualized, not just follow what everyone else is eating, especially not in recovery. Of course, if you feel that the first dietitian you go to isnt helpful or just seems to give a standard plan then try to go to someone else... or if you have to, maybe a qualified dietitian online who has worked with eating disorders. I.e not someone who just works with weight loss and diets.

And when it comes to plant based eating, of course i can give tips and advice and what to think about. However i DON'T recommend plant based eating in recovery and there are many reasons for that. But for a healthy person with a healthy body they can function and absorb nutrients as they should, but when someone is malnourished or has digestion problems or just cant eat alot of volume then plant based eating might not be right for them. But also that the nutrients in plant based food aren't as easily absorbed as animal products and that can cause problems if you already have lack of certain vitamins or minerals. Not to mention that if you are stuck in the "good food/bad food" or restrictive food thoughts then plant based eating might mean that you only eating vegetables and low calorie foods and dont get the energy you need and are still very restricted even if you eat 5 broccoli's a day.... and lack of energy/calories can lead to alot of problems.
So of course i can give advice and inspiration about plant based eating and it is fully possible to gain weight on a plant based diet, but when it comes to recovery i wont recommend it as the first way to eat. And this of course puts a little hinder on my blogging as i would like to blog about veganism and plant based eating, but i don't want  to shove it down your throats so to say.

I have many thoughts about blogging and this blog. I love blogging, i love being online and connecting with all of you but i also have alot of thoughts about what to post, what not to post, how to help and inspire. But also that i cant quite relate to an eating disorder anymore. And this is a good thing, this is how it should be. I know many read my blog for a few months or a year and get the information and help they need and then move on with their life as they no longer relate to an eating disorder, they are free and healthy and that is exactly how it should be! But I'm wondering if its time for me to do the same thing.

Ive had thoughts about starting a new blog, one where the focus will be health, veganism, recipes/food, sustainable living  and maybe even workouts and lifestyle. Though I'm still very unsure... i feel like i want to progress and start new, but it is also very scary and i don't want to let go of this blog. I love the community i have built up here and love inspiring and helping others, but at the same time i feel like i have put myself into this "recovered" box and i no longer want to be there. But also i don't want to put myself in a "vegan" box either where all i write about is veganism because i am more than that and don't want to just blog about that either, but i do want it to be part of what i share.

Anyway, i just felt like i had to share this with you all so you know where my thoughts are at. I have others write to me and tell me i should start a new blog so i know many of you might be positive about this and others less positive. But NO DECISION has been made! Just like with my tattoos, i need several months to think about them before i make the decision :)

Knowledge is power

One of the things that helped me alot in recovery as well as helped me to learn to love and accept my body was knowledge. Learning about how the body works, learning about why food is important, learning about nutrition and energy. Learning about exercise and why exercise is important for health not to mention the importance of exercise when you have cystic fibrosis. I learnt to love my body for what it could do and learnt to see food as something i needed and didnt have to earn or something that would make me fat. Of course when you just learn about "why you need food" its easy to get caught up in just eating healthy foods as you just eat for function and health but forget that sometimes all you need is chocolate or pizza even if its not "the optimal healthy food" it can still be healthy in other ways.

The focus shouldnt be on food and getting even more obsessed with food when you are in recovery. But knowledge helps alot. Learning about anxiety... what triggers anxiety, learning about how to cope with guilt, learning what helps with stress, learning how food works in the body and why you need carbohydrates, fat and protein. Learning why you need enough energy everyday and why 1200kcal isnt enough. Learning why your body needs rest and why overworking it isnt good. Learning what binging or purging does to your body as well as your teeth and organs and overall health.

It can help so much to read about your struggles and get more knowledge about them. Such as how serotonin or dopamine work in the brain. Or learn about what are the "working substances" in the medication you take and learn about why they work... what it is they do. Or learning why different vitamins or minerals are necessary and important to eat. When you start taking care of your body, learning how the body works it is much easier to love it and not just look on the outside. Because instead you know just how amazing the body is on the inside. You can udnerstand what you have put your body through and why you dont want to keep doing that. You learn how to take care of your body and why you want to take care of it and love it and give it nutrition and rest and exercise in a balance way. You learn why you need to sleep, why you need to take your vitamins or medication, what you should do to feel your best. You learn that health is the most important and less focus on appearance because in the long term that really isnt so important.

Of course this is just my experience and not everyone is as interested or devoted in reseraching and learning about the body, nutrition, brain etc But when you have an eating disorder it can be so easy to think "i dont need calories, i dont need rest, i dont need medication or vitamins... im not like everyone else." But when you learn and read more you realise that you do infact need those things and you arent "different" so to say. (Even if everyone needs different amounts of energy, rest, exercise etc)

I do try my best to write educational posts about nutrition and the body and such - mostly because it was something that helped me alot and i wish that i had much earlier realised how amazing the body was so that i didnt spend so many years of my life damaging and tearing my body apart and instead spent time on repairing it, loving it and taking care of it.

Just like with all other areas in life..... knowledge is power. Ive also recently just watched a few documentaries about climate change which have given me more knowledge within that area and made me think alot and rethink some of my choices in life.... so with new knowledge you can make better choices hopefully!

Sudden bouts of sadness, lonliness and anxiety

In my current life situation i feel very happy and content. Happy with my life and my life situation and cant complain about much at all, i am content and life is going great.

But sometimes... out of the blue i get these days or evenings where i just feel sad. Feelings of sadness, lonliness and anxiety. When you feel "at home" but not really... where i feel like i just want to go "home" but i dont know where that is. When i feel lonely and like there is no one i can talk to (even though of course i know there are many i could talk to.) but mostly i dont know what to say.... how do you tell someone that you are happy with life and love life and dont feel lonely at all... but right at this moment i feel so extremely lonely and sad and anxious.

Its a horrible feeling to feel this way.... and it feels like i am just waiting for this evening to be over. (It doesnt help that my room mates are having a party and having a bunch of people over and i just want to hide away and go to sleep at 8pm so this day can be over. hahah) Right now i just want the day to be over... i want to go to sleep and wait for Sunday as i know i will feel better tomorrow, hopefully.

So how do i cope with these feelings? The sadness when i begin to think too much about the past and begin to question my choices in life and begin to miss past memories. When the lonliness takes over and you feel like there is no one you feel close to, no one you can talk to... but in reality there are many i could turn to if i wanted to. Or when the anxiety takes over and you just feel paralyzed to do anything... just writing this post took me hours to muster the energy to do, nonetheless do anything actually productive today. The anxiety just hinders me from doing anything apart from sit and think and stare out the window.

How do i cope? Well i write... i write in my journal or i blog. I listen to music and podcasts. I allow myself to just sit and think and breathe and feel the anxiety, sadness and lonliness. If i try to repress it, eventually it will just build up and get worse. Instead just allow myself to feel this way this evening - the feelings will pass, they wont last forever. Trying to go to sleep early... i am really hoping that the party wont last long or that they will all go out clubbing early so that i can atleast fall asleep before midnights. I also wanted to go for an evening gym session but all the gyms close at 6pm on Saturday so i wont be doing that... but otherwise going to the gym - just leaving the house and going to a "safe and comforting place" can do alot for how i feel, as well as exercise = endorphins and i always feel 100 times better afterwards. Even if i just go to the gym and stretch and listen to some music, it helps to change scenery! Also having a mini spa session helps at times - i cant do that this evening as people will start arriving in 30-40 minutes so i dont have time to do a full spa session but often that can be a way to just change thoughts and distract myself and feel a little better even if its just for a while.

But most of all... writing helps. To express myself through words and remind myself that these feelings will pass. Its ok to feel this way sometimes... its part of growing up and being an adult and moving away from home. Sometimes you feel lonely - i mean i havent even lived in this city for a year, not to mention that i have moved 3 times (and lived in 4 different places) in just the past 6-7 months, its not so strange if at times i feel like i dont really have "a home". (That sounds a little negative, i LOVE where i live now and i have no complaints. But anxiety can often lead me to feel lonely and unsettled especially when there is choas and things up in the air in other parts of my life. So it has nothing to do with my living situation, as i feel very settled and happy with how i live, haha.)

Anyway, this is a long ramble post and most of all i just want to go to sleep now and sleep for 12+ hours and wake up tomorrow feeling better. haha.

I hope you all have a lovely Saturday.

Weight and the number on the scale

Ive gone back and forward whether i should write and press publish on this post but i have finally choosen to press publish. This post might be interpreted in the wrong way, but hopefully it wont. Mostly it is thoughts and i think its important to share them, to be honest but also to show my self reflection and the "bigger picture".



So... i dont weigh myself, i dont have a scale at home or anywhere i can weigh myself. I dont care about the number either. I know that my weight goes up and down2-3kg depending on water, food i ate, hormones, stress etc However my weight has been stable mostly throughout the years. Last summer though i ended up losing a whole bunch of weight but managed to regain 70-80% of it again and have mainted that weight since... a healthy weight. Ive never cared about the number on the scale, whether it says X or Y, it was more about feeling healthy and happy and when i had lost that unintentional weight i DID NOT feel good. So my main reason to gain weight again was 1) for better health and because being underweight or close to underweight is not healthy/a good idea, 2) to regain strength and confidence, 3) more energy and feel happier and healthier. And all of those things i achieved - strength, energy, confidence, happiness again with the weight gain.  And since autumn when i had regained the weight i have been a stable weight, up and down a few kilo.

Today however when i was at the CF clinic it was time to be weighed again and i saw that i was at my highest weight ive been for more than a year. It didnt bother me when i saw the number i just thought, oh ok, thats just a number just like my height or age. But then later the after thoughts came wondering...  Why have i gained weight? What have i done that has made me gained weight? Was it water, fat or muscle? Of course right about there i realised where my thoughts were heading... i realised that if i let those thoughts go further they would become negative ones.

The number on the scale.... what does it measure? It measures my mass everything included - the clothes i had on, the huge amount of water retention and bloating i have at the moment, it measures my bones, my muscles, my fat. It says a number and that number really doesnt mean so much. Of course weight does help to tell whether a person is very underweight or overweight, but otherwise not so much. What matters is that a person feels healthy.... and i definitely do (well aside from the past 48 hours! hahah) The past few months ive been happy, healthy, confident, strong, energetic. Will i let a number on the scale affect me, no of course not... i have not let a number on the scale affect me in 5 years.

But i felt it was important to write this post nonetheless... to show the after thoughts. Yes i am recovered, yes i am healthy, but i am not ashamed that for a few moments i had these thoughts... were they disordered or eating disordered, no... but they werent positive or healthy ones anyway. They werent my normal thoughts.

I dont weigh myself because i dont see the point. As mentioned earlier, how i feel is the most important. If i were to suddenly begin losing or gaining a bunch of weight it would of course be something to consider or think about when it comes to behaviour or habits, but fluctuations in weight is normal. Weight gain and weight loss can happen throughout life, and its just to accept that... as long as they arent extreme (unless necessary) its not something you should let affect you!!

So.... i had my "negative thought moment", my self reflection and changing my thoughts i.e thinking more like myself (hahah), and time to write and reflect on this post and maybe it can help in some weird way. To remind you that if you do get negative types of thoughts or feel bad about your weight CHANGE THOSE THOUGHTS. The number on the scale really doesnt mean so much, instead think about how you feel.... or the positive things! (Of course weight gain doesnt always equal positivity some people in recovery can feel they get more tired, slow, unmotivated, unhappy with the weight gain but that can be due to other things and i can get into that in another post if you want!)

Living minimalistically - my thoughts

I was asked about my thoughts regarding living minimalistically.

I think the idea is great and it is amazing how some people live very minimalistically, and i think it can be "healthy" for some people to try to get rid of more stuff in their life. Its easy for people to only find happiness in materialistic things and just buy lots of stuff to make them happy or to fill some type of hole in their life.

I wouldnt say i live minimalistically, but compared to an "average" person i guess i might not be as interested in material things or consumerism. Over the past years of moving i have had to throw away alot of items, get rid of clothes and books and items that arent "absaloutly necessary" so that of course means that my list of material items decreases. Its kind of nice to just sort through everything you have and just throw away or give away items which arent of absaloute necessity.

I am also not the type of person who needs the same top in 5 different colours or needs 100 pairs of shoes or bags. Instead i choose the items i buy carefully and dont just buy new items without having 1-2 weeks (or months) backthought before purchasing an item. And this is not because i want to be a minimalist, but because i find it hard to buy items for myself... i am fine with buying food and treating myself to coffee and food, but when it comes to other items such as clothes or shoes or bags or even a massage or travel tickets, i cant seem to buy those items without thinking about the item for at least 2-4 weeks beforehand. And instead of giving myself 10 reasons why i should buy the item or why i need it, i give myself 15 reasons why i dont need the item and why i shouldnt buy it...and if i still feel i really want or need that item, then ill buy it. This is actually a hinder in life for me... For example  i dont spontaneously just buy a dry shampoo because i "sort of" need it, or i dont spontaneously buy a coffee cup i love when i see it... instead it takes me a few days/weeks of thinking before i purchase it.

I think living minimalistically and throwing away/giving away different items would benefit alot of people. Alot of people rely on material items and want to fill their rooms or houses with items. Once again i dont want to have my room "bare" because of a minimalist thought, but because i generally dont like having a bunch of random items on surfaces and prefer it to be clean and bare.

Living minimalistically has its benefits but also in a way i think its a little boring because even if i dont personally enjoy clothes shopping or shopping in general, its nice to feel like i have a change and variety in clothes i wear anyway! And in the future i am pretty sure i will invest in lots of different kitchen items as that is what i love and would give me materialistic happiness.

I personally prefer to spend my money on bigger things though instead of lots of small items. Such as i would rather save up my money and then spend it on one "big/expensive" item i have wanted for a while such as a new camera or travelling somewhere or a new tattoo or new headphones. Or i just save up my money for the future when i can invest in a house or a car or something like that. Also experiences are worth more to me than items... i would much rather spend my money on travelling or on train tickets to Stockholm than to spend it on new clothes, or to give money to charity or spend my money on important things like doctors appointments and dentist appointments haha.

This is my opinon and view on minimalism anyway. I am not a minimalist but i am not a shopaholic either. I dont put my happiness in materialistic items, but i do feel happy when i can invest in something i really want or need!
I think for some people it might benefit them to do some sort of 30 day minimalist challenge or just to get rid of old items or items that have no benefit to them in their current life.


What is your opinion on living minimalistically?

7 tiny steps for the beginner minimalist
7 ways to sample living with less
How to start living a more minimalist lifestyle 

Admitting you have bad days, being open about your struggles.

In the past (and still somewhat currently) i never admitted when i had bad days or when i was struggling, atleast not to those around me. I have and am very open on my blog so i do write when i have bad days or have anxiety - mostly anyway, not all the time as i dont want to add lots of negativity on here and sometimes i just feel like "its not going to benefit or help anyone when i write that i have had anxiety or an anxiety/panic attack today". Sometimes i just dont want to write as well... most often when i dont write are the days i have no inspiration or am having a bad day - but sometimes its the complete opposite, i dont write or post because im having a good day and just living life so i dont have time to post, haha. So could either be a really bad day or a really good day!!

But moving onto the actual topic of this post. I have realised that in the past 6-8 months i have been more open about my struggles in real life. I havent been scared or worried to tell my sister that i had an awful day and had anxiety from morning to evening. Im not scared to tell my mum that i had an anxiety attack. Not scared to randomly bring up the fact that i once got so stressed and anxious over how many messages i was getting that i stopped repling to all messages - when talking to my friends. Not scared to admit that i struggled with eating disoders, exercise addiction and depression when talking about those topics in school.

The more years that pass since i recovered and the more mature and confident i feel the more "ok" i feel with my past. I dont feel like i have to hide it, but also i dont feel as much that i have to be ashamed about my current struggles. We all have our struggles. Others in my class get anxiety or panic attacks, others have "hit the wall" in the past, others have struggled with depression or eating disorders in the past.... and so many other struggles which you really wouldnt know about a person unless you talked to them. I mean most people would not guess or presume that i struggled so much in the past if they look at me now or spend time with me. But also im pretty sure they wouldnt guess that just a year ago i was suicidal and ready to give up, or that i still struggle with anxiety at times. I manage those things well and dont let them affect my life too much, i still try to live my life and be as normal as possible even on the days i have anxiety or even on the days that my CF affects my life a little too much.

Everyone has struggles.

In life at the moment i am opening up more... not feeling ashamed or like i need to hide that i have had a bad day. Of course i dont just bring it up out of the blue or randomly, and there is a time and place for everything. Example if my sister is talking about how she has had an awful day or she just wants to rant to me then i dont personally feel like bringing up the negatives in my life/day as that doesnt help the situation. But if she asks "how are you, how has your day been" im not scared to talk about the highs or the lows. Everyone has ups and downs and its nothing to be ashamed about.

I feel like by being silent and not talking about it (at the right times!) it just adds to the stigma and taboo-ness of mental illness. People are ashamed and embarrassed, and of course i am at times as well... sometimes i think, i cant write about having anxiety or struggles in the past because it will affect me getting a job if my future manager finds my blog. But then i realise that sure i struggle, but it doesnt affect my life too much.... i might want to stay in bed all day but i get up and go to school anyway because i know i need to. Of course this is just me, i know others who struggle who cant get out of bed at all on their bad days... so everyone struggles differently.

Anyway, before this post gets too long i just wanted to write out these thoughts. Realising that i am not feeling as ashamed or silent about my struggles. I dont need to boast (??) about them, but i dont need to hide them either. Its ok to struggle, but you also need to pick yourself up and keep going regardless, and not be scared to ask for help when you need it!!

A day of vegan cooking and thoughts from my studies

Thursday evening and im just about to go to sleep as tomorrow is a long day with lots of school work.

Today was a day off of school and my day definitely didnt turn out as planned or thought out. My day started out by getting caught infront of the computer a little longer than planned - as per usual recently - and then feeling unmotivated to go to the gym, so instead went out for a walk. And that was exactly what i needed, fresh air and also to explore a new route and area where i live and not to mention good music. This is definitely one of my favourite ways to start the day and always makes me wonder why i dont do it more often... i have definitely neglected cardio for a year or so - sometimes i do it more often, but i dont go for so many walks and not so many runs and whenever i actually do, i always wonder why it isnt a part of my regular routine. I absaloutly love it... but at the same time i love the gym and strength training and i just cant seem to balance the two, sometimes it feels like either i just do 100% cardio or 100% strength. But i might sit down and try to write a training schedule to fit both of them into my life... i mean exercise isnt just about being strong, but about being capable and functional as well!!

After that i went  to the store to buy flour and argula so that i could make sweet potatoe gnocchi. It was made from only 3 ingredients so very simple to make, not to mention delicious!


After lunch i sat down and decided to finally get started on my studying and litterature reading... however i felt so mixed and emotional while reading about the slaughter of animals. How they are numbed before being killed and also how chickens only live several weeks before being killed and cows live 2 years and pigs and lambs even less time... and then they are cooped up and transported to the slaughterhouse and killed and packaged and sold to stores. I mean you cant deny that it is a little crazy... that animals are literally created/born to be killed and eaten? I dont want to sound like a preachy vegan, i am sorry about that and i dont often make these types of posts because i dont want to guilt or shame people. But i just find it hard to understand how people can read or see or hear about this and still just think "i dont care"? But then again... i was like that just a year ago... A year ago i didnt care about the chickens. I didnt care about the animals... i just wanted my quark, eggs and chicken. But something just clicked and like a light switch in my head went off. And i think it is up to the individual to make the connection... no amout of critisizing or preaching will make a difference, instead it will just turn people away from veganism.

And i still believe that encouraging and inspiring differences will do more so im going to stick to that method instead. But at the moment i am struggling to read my litterature, struggling to read about "what way is best to cook meat" .... but then im reminding myself that in the future when i work with nutrition, i need to be able to give unbiased advice and knowing what way to cook meat and fish for best nutritional value and safety is important. Not to mention that people will always eat meat, fish and dairy so its important to know what nutrients they have and best ways to cook them etc

As i found it rather discouraging and unmotivating to read my litterature, i decided to do some food cooking and ended up making an argula pesto (which tastes amazing) as well as chocolate chip banana bread!! Both taste so amazing, however i didnt follow a recipe for either (as usual) so dont have one to share. But can share the ingriedients if you want!!





Anyway, this post was alot longer than planned and i guess i needed to just write my thoughts out a little. However i hope i dont offend anyone in any way, and i dont like making these types of posts... but today i just needed to write it out.

Before and after photos - thoughts

For quite a long time i have thought about all the before and after pictures online.... all the before and after pictures i have posted as well. Pictures that have been stolen and used on other websites and people have used the photos and pretended to be me. They've been used as thinspo and on pro-ana accounts, and my before and after photos have been used in many articles over the years and not to mention in many different news articles and news paper when i share my story.

I didnt think about it back then.... all i wanted to do was share my progress. Share that i had gained 25kg, share that i had not only gained weight but gained happiness and health and strength. However, while i also shared those things i also unconsciously shared "Look at me, i was so sick. I was so skinny and my bones and ribcages were visible. I had a thigh gap and was so underweight". Of course that was how i looked... i cant deny or erase the fact that the photos show how i looked when i was sick, and it was not a pretty look according to me. I can look at the photos from when i was sick and see how truly sick i was, how i looked far from healthy or happy or fat - like i told myself i did back then. However when someone is sick i dont think they can see that. 

Ive had people email me and tell me i looked fine when i had a very low BMI/close to dying, i have been told that i looked best physically when i had a BMI of 16/17, ive been told that i am fat now when i have a healthy BMI. But also i have been emailed by many thinking that they arent sick because they arent underweight, or that they arent recieving help because they dont look physically sick. Or people who gain weight in treatment and then dont recieve anymore treatment despite still struggling just because they are a healthy weight.

Posting before and afters is a way of seeing progress, but i also think it can be harmful. It adds to idea that eating disorders are just about weight and appearance. That only those who are underweight have an eating disorder and struggle. It adds to comparison and can be triggering.

Of course people should be proud over their weight gain, be proud over their recovery, but i dont know whether those photos need to be shared or not.

I can understand both sides i.e sharing before and aafter photos (ive done it plenty of times, and i am sure i will do it again in the future. So i am not being hypocritical or judgemental, just sharing my thoughts AT THE MOMENT.) but also not wanting to share them because they might be triggering or harmful to others.

If you think about it, its only people who have made an extreme physical difference that end up in the news or sharing their story. Its always those who have been extremely obese or extremely underweight that end up getting the attention and sharing their story. And that once again just adds to the stigma that eating disorders are just about weight. Though also i cant deny the fact that to be diagnosed with anorexia there is a weight/BMI criteria and that a person is physically underweight to get the diagnosis, but the weightloss is just a consequence and symptom of the eating disorder.

I have mixed feelings about before and after photos. Because i understand they can be inspiring to yourself and maybe to others but it also has a bunch of negatives which i dont think should be disregarded either.

But i would love to hear your opinion and thoughts on this...?

What do you think about recovery before and afters? Are they helpful or triggering? Do you find them inspiring or harmful? Do they lead you to compare yourself or you just dont care?

Personally before and after pictures dont inspire or trigger me. I see them and mostly i feel HAPPY for the person, i feel happy that they have changed their life and are hopefully healthy and happy as well. I love when i can see that the happiness and life in the "after" photo. 

Having more energy and working out more while eating less ?

Yesterday while listening to a podcast one of the guests on the pod talked some something which i could relate to, or something i have thought about and i think some of you might be able to relate as well.

The guest talked about how in the past she could run for hours each day and ate less than she did in the present, though she now runs and works out a lot less. She talked about how crazy she was in the past to run such long distances, but also wondered about how she even had the energy.... how could she workout so often and for so many hours but still eat so little. Whereas in her current life she eats more and works out less (though she of course mentioned that she is happier, healthier and more balanced now as well as weight stable and eating a healthy amount.)

This is something i have thought about before as well and have recieved questions and emails from people wondering the same thing.  Where did all that energy come from? People feeling like they are a failure because they just cant workout to the same extent they did in the past even though they are eating more.

At times i have wondered.... how could i workout so much in the past, when i would exercise from morning to evening and stand all the time, i never sat down unless i was forced to sit. However sometimes when i was so mentally and physically tired i would lie on the ground because i wasnt worth lying on a bed.... and there i would just lie, wishing more than ever that i could just go a day without exercising, but that never happened.  Where did the energy to exercise come from... because it sure wasnt coming from food? It came from obsession, it came from fear, it came from anxiety, it came from thinking i had to exercise. The energy to workout so many hours didnt come from food anyway, it was a mental energy and a drive and not a healthy one.

Now i could never workout to the same extent that i did in the past because my workouts arent driven due to fear or anxiety. They arent completed because i think i have to. I dont mind skipping workouts, i dont mind doing less exercise if i am more tired, i dont go out running even though im tired or just want to lie down, i dont stand all day long because im scared to sit down. My energy for exercise comes from food (so when the food energy is gone then i get tired and dont want to exercise anymore... until i eat and fuel myself again and have more energy.), but also workouts are affected by life and stress. If i havent slept enough or if i am very stressed then i will adapt the workout to my energy levels - or not workout at all.

What i wanted to say is that you are not a failure for working out less or for eating more. Life changes and you change. But also your workouts shouldnt be completed out of fear or anxiety, but they should be done because you enjoy them and want to workout.

Also a note, maybe you workout 5-6days a week and its done out of fun and enjoyment (yes thats possible), but maybe life changes and you need to cut down to 2-3 times a week instead, and thats ok as well. Exercise can be part of life but not your whole life, and like mentioned already... life changes and sometimes you cant workout as much as you would like to even if you enjoy it.

When i think back to the past i also realise that back then i had little else to do during the days apart from exercise, i wasnt in school or didnt have as much homework/school work when i was in school and i didnt have friends to meet and didnt have much else in my life apart from exercise, so that was all i did as well. Now i have alot more going on in my life so even if i wanted to workout more, that would mean spending less time on something else in my life and that is not something i am willing to do in my life right now.

Anyway, just some morning thoughts i had.... maybe you can relate or have felt the same way?

Body love, fat shaming, skinny shaming?

This post is just one of my thoughts and rambles post, but i hope that i can get my thought process across, however it would be easier to vlog this but at the moment i cant do that so ill stick to writing. But of course feel free to comment below your thoughts or opinions on this topic.

So... body love and body positivity is for everyone, for all shapes and sizes. Both men and women, tall or short, skinny or fat, any skin colour, any ethnicity.. everyone. And that of course includes people who are extremely skinny or extremely overweight, or does it?



I am all for body positivity and body love and my personal view is that YES body love is for all shapes and sizes, even if that person's weight/size is at an extreme. Many dont agree with this. But i personally think that there is a difference between saying, love your body and accept your body, and promoting a certain body shape or size. But i dont promote being underweight/very underweight or being very overweight, because biologically that isnt healthy. Health also has a whole different range of definitions and it depends how you want to look at health, just based on biological function or take into consideration how a person feels. Because someone can have an illness and still be happy, or they might be by biological standards sick, but still feel happy and content and can live life to the best of their capability... and you cant really deny/refuse to take into consideration that a person feels happy and content despite what the biological standard (?).

My personal opinion is that body love and positivity should be for everyone but i also think promotion should be on HEALTH and balance. And that is of course different for everyone. There should be no standard body or weight or size, but just health. So even if i say "love your body" to someone who is very underweight, at the same time i will say love your body now, while working towards a healthier weight, because self love should be all stages of your life and how your body looks at different times. I dont think you should wait with self love until you are a healthy weight or your goal weight or goal size, but instead love your body as it is now.... but also realise that you can love your body but also need to change it. For example if you are very overweight or underweight, you might feel happy or love your body as it is which is GREAT, but if it is necessary you might also need to gain/lose weight for optimal health.

I also think that skinny shaming and fat shaming is wrong. There are people who are healthy despite having a lower or higher weight than standard or recommended, and it is so awful to see when those people get lots of negatives and mean comments despite them being healthy. People have different shapes and sizes and people have different healthy set points and weights, and you shouldnt shame a person for that. Telling a skinny person to "eat a burger" is just as bad as telling an obese person to "eat a salad".... its just mean and wrong and does nothing but verbally harm the person.

Society should be more accepting of all different body shapes and sizes and promote body love instead of telling everyone to change. But also to be able to say that "you are beautiful" without having to bash another body shape or size. I often find that people comment "you look so much better with curves compared to when you were skinny" or even comments such as "i wish i was as pretty as you"... its great that you are complimenting someone else, but you dont need to bring yourself down a the same time. Everyone is beautiful in their own way, instead say "You are beautiful and so am I"... or just dont comment about comeones appearance and instead compliment them about other things such as their strength(mental or physical), their intelligence, their life coping skills etc

There is so much about this topic/area which i want to talk about but it is hard through just words on a screen and much easier to talk about. I might try to sit down and make a video or write another post about this topic, but for now i just needed to write out these thoughts.

Body love is for everyone but that doesnt mean that you are promoting unhealthy body weights either. Someone shouldnt have to wait with self love just because their weight isnt healthy, thats just counterproductive... instead self love and body love always, but also not denying when there is an actual health problem that needs to be solved.


What are your thoughts or opinions on this? I would love to know your thoughts about this area!

Being at peace with the past

A part of life is accepting the past and being at peace with it.

There are many things in my life that i have done and things i have said and many "what ifs" that still bother me. I can at times get caught up in the "what if x"... what if this didnt happen, or what if something turned out different, or what if i had acted or responded differently, what if i was someone else etc Somethings i just havent fully let go or accepted or come to terms with... somethings are left open and unsettled and it has bothered me sometimes.

But yesterday when looking through old photos - something which bothers me at times. Past memories that can haunt me, past memories that make me sad or make me long for the past or get caught up and wondering about what if things had turned out differently. But yesterday was one of the first times i just felt at peace with certain memories and didnt long for the past. I didnt long for things to have turned out differently, i didnt long to turn back time and change things or long for a different outcome. Instead i was at peace and accepted that the past can not be changed.

A growth and maturity and something that needs to be done. I think its because i feel happy in my current life, i dont feel need to change my life situation at the moment and i dont long for it to be different. I dont long for the past or wonder how things could have turned out because i know that everything happens for a reason and i am where i am in my life now because of the past choices i made. 

Yesterday i could look back on photos and smile at good memories, i could reminisce about good times and think about how much i have grown as a person. And i didnt end up feeling sad or anxious, i just felt at peace and it was (i.e it is, because i am writing this post shortly after looking through old pictures) such a nice feeling. The past is the past, it cannot be changed or undone but all i can do is enjoy life as it is and make the best decisions based on my knowledge and wants right now.

I highly suggest that you also try to accept and find peace with your past. Maybe there is someone you need to talk with to get closure, maybe there are pictures you need to delete or items you need to throw away. Maybe you just need to sit and think and realise that you can not change the past, you can only grow from it and accept it and be ok with it. Its definitely not always easy, but from personal experience it feels like if you are happy in your present and current life you dont long back for the past.

Maybe this is a goal to have and work towards this year? To accept your past and accept the things you can not change? Or try to get closure in different areas of your life if that is necessary.

I can say, it feels wonderful to just be happy in my current life and not long to be someone else or to change past choices or actions. I would not be where i am now if i hadnt made the choices i did.

Do you ever long back to the past or think about what "if's"? Have you found peace with your past? Whats your experience with this topic/area?

Comparing your progress to other peoples progress

Coming up in spring 2017 (around March/April i think), i will have been going to the gym for 5 years. This is both sort of exciting and a little bit saddening when i think about how little progress i have made. Let me just explain.....

So first off, when i began at the gym in spring/summer 2012 i first dd a whole bunch of swimming, and then i began doing a whole bunch of running on the treadmill, then a whole bunch of time on the crosstrainer. Sometime i began doing a whole bunch of core work, still having no idea what a squat or a deadlift was. Then sometime i began doing the gymclasses such as bodypump, circuit training and even tried bodycombat. Then i began doing both cardio and and gymclasses (i.e too much for my poor body to handle). Eventually i began to progress into using weights and did less gym classes and started trying to do my own strength training... a whole bunch of bicep curls and tricep dips. I stayed in the "girls strength training" area for a long time and still did a whole bunch of cardio until i decided to try going into the bigger strength training area where i began to use machines and heavier weights and decided to cut down and limit cardio to just HIIT or walks. Overtime i progressed with weights, tried new exercises, felt more confident and found that i loved strength training alot more than hours of cardio. I felt stronger and more capable, but i still loved running so still did that regularly. And over the years i have done functional/outside training and boxing, tried crossfit, changed gyms several times, tried new exercises, felt more confident in the gym and know that it is my passion.

I first began strength training around the start of 2013 roughly a year after joining the gym, and my main intention was to get bigger arms to balance out my body as i felt both weak and sort of unbalanced, i.e i still had very thin arms compared to the rest of my body. After that i have never really had any goals with my exercise or workouts, they have been therapy and anti stress for me. They have been fun and something that i love doing and love getting better, but i have never put 100% into reaching a goal not a physical goal or a progress goal. But also i have pains in my hip, lowerback and knees that flare up at times which hinder me from doing certain exercises or progressing as much as i can/would like to have. But also that i love doing a mix of cardio and strength training so i have never wanted to give up cardio completely (and when i did try that my CF health declined quite a bit as i was just doing very low intensity strength training to build muscle... so i realised after that, that i couldnt actually leave out cardio, but i have times where i do more and times where i do less of it). Also considering that i eat roughly 3000-3500kcal a day just to maintain my weight ive never really eeaten that huge surplus of calories which my body might need to really gain muscle/make progress. But like i have written - and mentioned plenty of times - i have never had the intention or goal to workout just to gain muscle or to change my appearance. I love the way i look and i workout for fun, because of enjoyment and gaining strength and being more capable are just positives and benefits of doing what i love.

HOWEVER, i am only human so i cant deny that a small part of me is a little saddened that the amount of progress strength wise - and physical muscle mass  i have gained - over my almost 5 years (4 years of strength training, however only really 3 of "actual" strength training) is pretty much the same progress some girls make within a year. Its silly to feel this way because the progress i have made is MY progress and based on the factors in MY life and due to my body and how it works. I am sure if i had decided that i will go 100% in for a goal whether it was to change my appearance or to reach a certain goal such as deadlift 100kg i would reach it, but i have never done that.

Where am i going with this post? Well, the more i thought about this - and how i was feeling - the more i realised how silly and worthless it was. To feel sad and to compare myself to others? That is a waste of time and energy and not something i want to spend my thoughts or energy doing. However i know that MANY others do this type of comparison, and some struggle with it daily, and all i can say is that it is NOT WORTH IT.  Everyone is different and you should not compare your progress - whether its workout progress, recovery progress, school progress, work progress etc - to anyone else. Just like you shouldnt compare your life to others. I know many think they should have their life together by the age of 25 or have a great job by the age of 30 or to have had a first kiss by the age of 16 or first boyfriend/girlfriend by 18 etc but thats not how life works. Everyone has different lives and things happen at different times.

So what am i going to do now? Well i am going to be happy over the progress i have made. Happy over the fact that i have found balance with exercise and do it out of joy, not out of compulsion, compensation or hate for my body. And i am going to be thankful that i CAN exercise and hope that i can continue exercising for the rest of my life and most of all be thankful for my body. And of course, not compare myself or my progress to anyone elses, instead just be thankful and happy for what i CAN do and the progress i have made which is both physical and mental!!!

Isolating yourself vs. spending time on your own

Spending time on your own doesn't have to be a bad thing, infact some people might need to do more of it. Some people hate being on their own, hate being stuck with their thoughts or feel lonely if they spend a little too much time with just themselves. Whereas others - such as myself - love spending time alone and can end up spending a little too much time on my own if i dont actively make sure i meet people weekly. Being alone doesnt mean you are lonely - not necessarily.... sometimes you can feel lonely. But for me i spend time on my own because i enjoy it, because being around too many people for too long drains me of energy and being alone helps me to regain energy. I dont mind spending a few days just by myself, or doing things on my own such as going to cafes, going shopping, travelling etc Being alone sometimes is a choice and something i enjoy.

However, when i was depressed that craving to be alone turned into isolation. It was no longer a healthy amount of time i spent on my own - or wanted to spend on my own. I tried to push everyone away, declined to meet people, declined to do anything. It wasnt fun to meet or be around people and i began to isolate myself.  There was a sense of lonliness when i was isolating myself, but when i just need alone time to regain energy then there is no lonliness and no pushing people away, instead its a selfcare choice for myself.

It is so important to be aware of how much time you spend on your own but also the reasons why. Are you pushing people away, isolating yourself? Maybe you dont want people to see your behaviours or interfere with your routines? Maybe you are struggling or suffering so much that you dont want people to be around you or you dont have energy to be around people. Or maybe your alone time is just because you enjoy it, because you know that the next day you will be around lots of people again so you just need your evenings to yourself? Or maybe you just need to turn your phone off for a while and deconnect and read to regain energy after a whole day with your family? Or maybe you spend alot of time on your own because you havent managed to make friends, and its not isolation or because you enjoy being on your own, but because you have no other choice... and then i would recommend starting a new hobby or group or something so that you meet new people and actively trying to talk to people and start a conversation. Friendships take time, but they often start with a similar interest or just a "hi" or asking a question.

Think about why you spend time on your own and ask yourself whether its a healthy amount of time on your own or not?
But also if you are the type of person who is never on your own maybe you need to ask yourself if you need to do just that.... spend a little more time with yourself. Sometimes when you spend too much time with other people you might also be running from something in your head, or a fear of being alone or lonely.

There is a much needed balance between socializing and beiing on your own. The balance is different for everyone, buts it can be beneficial to find what worksfor you and make sure that you arent isolating yourself and pushing people away and just saying that its because you are an "Introvert". For so long i pushed people away and used that excuse, but humans need contact and socialising... we aren't hermits or people living in solitude.... we need contact with other people and you should spend time with people who GIVE you energy, who make you feel happy and bring something positive into your life. When you find those types of people then you realise that you dont need as much time on your own but also that being in social company doesnt have to be draining if you are with the right people.



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