Diary entry - disgusted by my own reflection

From 2010/2011 (no exact date)

Hate everything about myself.
Hate waking up and seeing myself.
Having to face my body.

I hate my pale face.
The black circles under my eyes.
The greasy hair.
My scarred arms.

And of course - my huge thighs. My flabby legs, arms. My muffin top. My big belly. Hate my whole body.

I mean, if I'm this big now. And I'm considered underweighthow will I be when I'm normal?

I hate how you wake up one morning and realize I've gained 5kg. you can't escape it. You can't avoid weight gain. But it has to be one of the hardest parts of the treatment. To face your body.

To accept it.

I mean, it's me who has to throw away my clothes cus there too small. it's me who has to see the weight gain. Im the one to notice myself go up in weight, to learn to live with this body - which I don't want.

Right now I'm thankful that there's no mirrors around.

I'm disgusted with myself. It's nice to not see myself. See my body.

I can avoid all that, for now. no idea how it will be when I get out.

I hate what I see.

I don't want this illness anymore.

but I really do miss being thin. it's stupid. But I don't like this new body. And it's not even done changing.

I want to hide from myself.

I dont want to face my body.

Hating your body and your body image is part of anorexia, and in recovery you need to start loving your body again. Start accepting your body image. Loving your body for how it looks

  When you are sick, you usually have body dyspmorphia... i.e you cant see yourself clearly. I always thought i was fat, even if somewhere deep inside, i knew i wasnt... but i felt it. And that was just as real....

  

Stop the negative thoughts. Instead, tell yourself 3 positive things about yourself. Find things which you like about yourself, find your positive things! And stop comparing yourself to others... its not worth it. You are you. You have your falws and perfections. And you need to love yourself, to acept yourself , otherwise you will never be happy.

Diary post - if only it was as easy as 'just eat'

I dont know why i started counting calories. why i care about my weight. why im scared to go up in weight. i dont know what happened to make me like this.

but what i know... is that its not as simple to get out of. i have to change completely. i need to change my thoughts. stop listening to them. but all the time, im being shouted at - Your fat. your ugly. your useless. nobody loves you. your better off dead. dont you see how ugly you are. how nobody wants to be with you. your a depressed stupid girl, nobody loves you. nobody has time for you. your selfish adn stupid.
   imagine hearing that allday. jsut being shouted at you.
  of course... it does mute sometimes. sometimes when i feel good, feel i have htestrength to not listen, to push the thoughts away. then it quietens. if only a little bit.
   I need to do everything i dont want to do. go against myself. i need to sit still when i jsut want to go running, i need to eat when thats the very last thing i want to do.
  i want toshut myself away in a corner, a black corner and not eat. feel the hunger in my stomach.

It sounds weird and fucked up.

Why cant i jsut eat. just enjoy food? i mean, its not that hard, is it?

Diary Entry 2011 - dont give up

May 2011

Ive hit a wall.
a huge, brick, stone wall. its all i can see. it caries on up, up, up. and all the way infront of my path.
I cant see past it.

Ive been strong to long, i cant carry on. this wall is stopping me. i cant go by it, all i can do is turn back.
All my good work, gone. all my hard work.

I just want to stand in a corner and cry.

I cant do this anymore. its all too much.

I want to turn back.

I dont want to gain any more wieght. i dont want to sit here and eat. i dont want to live my life anymore.
I cant get past this. things are too hard.

Ive done this for too long,ive been fighting too long. all my strength is gone. and suddely, in a split second. I give up.

Recovery isnt easy. Recovery is hard. It takes time. It takes energy. It takes strength. And it is easy to give up.... most of my time recoverying i just wanted to give up. I wanted to stop eating. To just let the anxiety control me. I wanted to stop the anxiety. I didnt want to eat. I didnt want to be strong... but i was. I was strong. Everyday.
  I fought, i didnt let the anxiety destroy me. I wanted to scream. I wanted to run. I wanted to jump infront of a train. But i sat quiet, writing out my feelings and thoughts.
  Each day was hard... but in time i realised, i was getting stronger, the anxiety was fading. Eating wasnt as hard. 
  Even if somedays were harder than others.... and soemdays i thought i would never be healthy. I never let go of my motivation to become healthy. I kept stronger, even when it felt like i would break.


So remember that.
   Somedays are hard, but you cant give up just because of that. You have to be extra strong those days.You can recover.
  I believe in every single one of you who are struggling, with whatever illness it is you have. 
  Or even if you dont have any illness, i believe that you can achieve any dream/goal you set!!! :)

http://living-with-anorexia.blogspot.se/2012/09/believe-that-recovery-is-possible.html (post i wrote about (you've most probably read?) that recovery is possible!)

Diary Entry

3/3/11
  Inpatients - Mando.


Will things ever get better? I can't see myself as 'Healthy'. But that might be because i see myself as 'healthy' now.
  I feel i have the energy to do the stuff i want to.
 But im so scared, i feel so small.
Theres a whole big world out there, but even though i want to, i dont think im ready to jump into it.
 But it feels like Mando is holding me back anyway.
 They're not letting me go, holding me back, while im struggling forwards.
 But then, all of a sudden it will be them pushing me forward. They'll be the ontes to shove me out into the big world, and thats when ill try to go backwards.
   Im not readu for the big world.
  I feel so small, invisible.
   How many doors have closed in my face? How many times have sliding doors nearly closed on me?
Im invisible, people dont see me, they walk into me. Im small and invisible. I dont like this feeling.
  The world is too big for me. I dont like the crowds od people, they way they look at me.


I dont want to live in the big world, i dont want to be forced to live my life. It would bea  fake life.
  I have energy, but i dont want to go into town. I dont want to be on the tube. People walk into me, they push me to the corner, making me fall over. Doors close on me.
   I hate all the people, i get so much anxiety. I cant even eat in public . It feels like im invisble, but at the same time everyone is staring at me.
  Staring at my body? What do they see? a fat girl, a girl who should lose weight? do they see my scars? what do they think?
   i want to hide. Hide from the world. I dont want to live my life, but i dont want to be at Mando for the rest of my life.
   I dont want a life. Not if its like this. I dont know where i want to be, what i want to do...

Diary post - The fear keeps me going

This post was written start of 2012 when i was relapsing and being threatend with day patients again.

Somedays i wish i could just erase my memory. Erase the memories of when i sat at Mando, depressed.
  I want to forget all the staffs faces. I want to forget what its like to sit in the chairs at Mando. What the place looks like. Forget what the inpatient bed rooms look like. I want to forget everything from my time at Mando.
  i want to forget all the lies i told, all the bad memories, all the times i cheated, all the guilt and anxiety i felt, all the hatred, and the tears. All the suicidal thoughts.
   I made some good friends at Mando, but sometimes i wish i could just forget them aswell.
I would always sit comparing myself to the other patients, and i was always the fat one. Even though i cheated, and didnt eat right and lost weight, i was still the fat one compared to the others.

I would love to erase all my memories from Mando, but that would mean erasing a year and a half of my life, where basically a whole year was Bad. I dont think anything good happend in the year 2010.
  But it would also mean erasing my recovery, erasing my choice to recover. All the good times i had, at the end of 2011 (not the start). The summer, and the times i made my family smile. When i started to smile myself, and started to find myself.

And also, the fear keeps me going.

   The fear of going back to Mando, ending up in inpatients. Theres no reason for me, i mean. Im eating, and doing fine like that. And my activity isnt over the top either.
  So theres no reason for me to be an inpatient, but if my weight doesnt start pointing up soon, then therewill be reason for me to sit in Mando from 8am-3pm as a day patient.
  But that scares me aswell. I dont want to miss time from school. I dont want to be the 'odd' one again.

The fear of ending up at Mando, it keeps me going. But its a constant fear, and i shouldnt have to live with that fear. i shouldnt have to worry that if im sick and cant manage to eat alot, that i'll end up 5kg less.
 
I would love to sign myself out of Mando, but then theres also the fact that then i might give in. Then there wont be the fear that things will get worse, that there will be consequences if i dont do things right.

My head is a messed up place right now. Dont worry, im eating. Thats fine. But its more that im feeling upset.
  Upset that i wasted so much of my time at Mando, and wondering how much more i have to spend there. Spend my time having to go for check ups, of course i know its all up to me. But at the same time it isnt, my body isnt co-operating. And my head doesnt always want to co-operate either.
 
I just wish i had never gotten sick, and never had to spend so much time in  hospital. (Mando, psych wards, tube feeding, with IV's - over dosing- )
  I will always have to go to hospital for doctors check ups, because of my other illness, but thats different.

Diary entry - before/during my relapse

At the end of 2011 and beginning of 2012 was when my relapse began. I wasnt healthy, not by far but i still liked to classify myself as healthy... though i still had alot of fear foods. Alot of fears left.
    I weighed between 53-54kg during this period (end of 2011 until middle of 2012) i refused to gain weight. I didnt want to. I felt fat at that weight though i was still underweight and was threatened many times that i would end up back at Mando. All i wanted was a happy and healthy life, but it was like i had given up on recovery at this stage. I didnt wantt o keep eating, keep gaining weight. I had lost sight of my goal... i didnt think it got ebtter than that... a half recovery. Stuck in the grey zone.
  Calories and certain food gave me anxiety. Weight gain gave me anxiety. I felt fat. I was very restrictive with how i ate and what i ate....
 
Its easy to get stuck in a half recovery stage, but it IS possible to fully recover. To get past this stage, you just have to keep fighting. And NOT settle at this stage.

Diary entry (23/12/11)

SaVE ME FROM MYSELF - Usch im  cowering away on my own.dealing with my anxiety and fear. i look in the mirror - it see myself as fat. but i  feel fat. i feel horrible. i feel like i need to run. theres this huge pull making me want to put on my shoes and go running. exercise. its hard. im making it hard for my sister . im trying to talk. but i don't want her to think im falling into bad ways. but im wondering if i am? i don't feel well.
     i feel like Anas taking over. the calories of all the food is.bothering me. i dont want to eat. all i want to do is go home. be with my mum. im my room with my computer. safe Swedish food and i miss normal. 
  i miss my dog. i miss going for walks.i know this is an anorexoc thing. im not enjoying myself. I've started counting down the days to go home. i dont want to be here.  i want to enjoy myself. but its hard.
   i think im just tired, i took an attarax (calming pill) i couldn't handle the anxiety. i felt like bursting into tears and i did when i went upstairs on my own.
 I can't wait for bed for it to be another day tomorrow.  Im gonna get through today, go to bed early and do things tomorrow. Counting down the days until i go home, i dont want to be here. I dont like not having my normal food. I dont like the food here. I just miss being at home where everything is normal.

You can see from the photos that i was far from fat but still, 80% of the time i felt fat. That is what the voice in your head does to you... makes you see and feel things which arent true.

Thoughts during my relapse

Some old posts from when i was relapsing:
  I thought it might be interesting to read as i know i have had many telling me that they are relapsing or in half recovery. But stay strong. Fight your ED. Dont be scared of the anxiety, that is something i have learned in recovery. That you have to face your fears head on... you cant let your ED control you.

No, things arent easy right now... theres a part of me which is fighting back, telling me that i shouldnt eat. That im too fat. that im everything wrong. everything horrible.

   And trying to ignore that voice, is like trying to ignore the fact that someone is throwing bricks at you.

But in the end.. you get used to it, and you ignore the pain. thats what im doing.

I can feel this bubble of unhappiness which sits inside me, and everytime i look at myself in the mirror, or jsut look down at my body, i get this overwhelming feeling of hatred.

But im fighting forward and trying to keep going. 

  for this week anyway.

I wont let Ana win, i wont let Ana take this week with my best friend away from me. But i cant promise that things will go forward when they're gone.

  Something has happened. Old memories have come back to me, and they're haunting me. Ana is back in my head.

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Its hard, to want to eat when all I want to do is lose weight. Its hard, to want to recover when everyone is, talking, about how fat they are. well look at me? Its hard to relax when everyone is up and moving and exercising. Its hard, to drink the energy drinks when I dont even feel small Its, hard to wake up in the morning and face my body. Its hard knowing that people think I'm an inspiration and look up to me when I fel like such a failure. Its hard pretending that things, are fine when I just want to break down, and cry. Its hard to lose weight. Its hard to smile when I can feel a lump in my throat. Its hard to listen to people saying, that they need to eat less that they need to gym more and lose weight. It feels like everyone has a, right to complain about their body - but me. It feels like everyones sick. loss of sick underweight people walk around, town looking small so why did I have, to go up in weight- and not them? I hate having the stress of mando. Can't eat to little. Can't exercise too much. I want to tone up my body. I feel like a, fat blob. I hate acting normal when I'm struggling, inside . I hate feeling fat. Its a struggle I'm fighting my self trying to carry on. But its, hard. I hate knowing that Ana, can still get such, a grip on me that it feels like choking. Gasping for air. Trying to see the light and positive, things But right now it feels like I'm falling. And its, hard, to pick my self up again. Save me from my self?

  

Accept that you need to gain weight: Post from 2012

I wrote this post after my half recovery stage... or basically when i accepted that i need to gain weight. I could keep going with what i was doing, restricting, binging, purging... but i knew where i would end up. Back in hospital... another month, half a year, a year of my life wasted in hospital. And i didnt want that... i didnt necessarily want to gain weight either, but i knew that gaining weight was the better alternative. And i am glad that i did.

I guess in this post (below) you can see the change in my attitude, in my thoughts :)


Accepting that you have to gain weight. that you're going to gain weight. Makes eating so much easier.
  To eat that little bit more, and to eat the things you enjoy.. or just to enjoy eating.
Yes, and it also means, squeezing in that one last meal, even though you dont want to.. but because you know you have to. You know its good for you.


Just accept.


Life isnt going to get better or be any easier just because you restrict or dont eat. What are you going to achieve.
 If you have an ED and are underweight, and are in treatment... youre going to have to gain weight. Yes you can cheat, you can try to do verything possible to not gain weight. But where does that leave you? another month in hospital, another year of your life gone?
  In the end your gonna gain the weight... whether you like it or not...
so why not try to make the best of it. Stop dwelling on the bad, and look at the bright side.


Do you know how many  how many dieters or overweight people would love to be told that they could eat those 2 cheese sandwiches after dinner. Or that they can take that extra cookie... or to eat chocolate?
  You dont realise what a good thing it is.. sure, nobody wants to hear that they have to gainweight.. its such a taboo in this day & age. (which i think is unacceptable/stupid)
   
Relish in your freedom to eat as much ice cream as you want... its only going to do you good.
  To eat that extra sandwich. take another cookie..


I mean, its only helping you.
   
For me... ive accepted that for now.. i need to gain weight. I dont believe it. I dont like it. But thats the way life is.. im just standing still.. stompinng my feet. Refusing to accept what is.
   But now.. ive accepted. and it makes everything jus that little bit easier.


Yes, i may wake up heavier, or bigger... but so what. Thats how it will be. No, it wont be easy.. i know i'll have days where ill feel utterly shit. 
    But it wont be like that forever. One day... i'll be told that im normal weight. That i officially.. dont need to gain weight, if i dont want to.
   Do you know how long ive waited to be told that? It scares the FUCK out of me.. but it almost gives me a sense of release.. of freedom.


For now.. i can eat exactly what i want and how much i want.
    For now... i can eat as many sandwiches i want a day. :) I dont need to worry. Because it is only going to do me good.


If i could.. i would gladly gain a kilo a week.. just to get the gaining oover and done with. To move on with my life.

 ^^sometime 2013 i think ;)

This day - 2 years ago

Looking through some old posts and i found this one, written exactly 2 years ago. (11 April 2012), and it was then that i pretty much decided - after relapsing and going through a cycle of restrict/binge/purge - that i could continue in this cycle of being half healthy, or i could atleast try and gain weight.
  I kept telling myself i was healthy... but the fact was, i knew i wasnt. That i still had certain behaviours and fear foods. I still wasnt allowing myself to gain weight. And i constantly felt fat... but looking back at pictures i can see how skinny i still was. But i never once saw that, i never felt skinny during this period. I constantly felt fat, which was what stopped me from trying to gain weight. Because i was so scared of how i would look when i had gained even more, if i felt fat at that weight.
     But im glad i did. Because it was when i faced those fears... really decided to fully recover - just like when i decided to first recover, then i really tried. I began eating more. I focused on gaining weight, and 4 months later i had reached my goal weight and actually felt healthy, happy as well!!
 
I know the half recovery stage is tough, but just like when you first decided to recover, you need to do the same thing... to really recover. TO decide to fight the voice in your head, and get rid of all the ED behaviours, because its only you who knows what you are doing wrong! And its YOUR life which you have to fight for.

Here is the post:

During my morning walk with my dog i realised that i really do want to get declared healthy.Not for my sake.. or yes, i suppose.. but the fact is. I dont really give a f*ck about being declared healthy.. i feel healthy, i feel fine in my body. and in my head... sort of, most days. But basically... havng a doctor write on apiece of paper that im declared healthy.. its not gonna change anything, its not gonna make the thoughts go away, its not gonna make me like body... its not making any dfference, not in my life anyway... but for my familys life.  

  They dont understand what its like to have a eating disorder, they dont understand the thoughts, the fear, the anxiety, the guilt.... everything.  

  They think its as simple as eat & like your body...It isnt though, nobody would be sick if it was that easy.

But i know it matters to them if i get declared healthy or not... me, i dont care.

Like i dnt think some doctor, who hasnt seen me in almost a year, can just tell me... not even face to face, that i amnt healthy until i've reached this certain weight... i think its bullshit.   

  i know how i feel... and i know im not gonna like my body at 58.. i liked it when i was like 53/54.... so why cant i be that weight? i felt good then.. much better then now?

  But no....

And thinking over it... whats it gonna make a difference..  if it makes my family happy.. i mean, i dont exactly like how i look now, so why not just try it, test and see if i like how i look when im 58kg?

  Scary.. but whatever.

I feel my motivation has come back a little.. to really try my best to gain weight.. i.e eat more.

We'll see... :)

 

Diary entry

16/5/2011 - Mando HDV

How will i make it through tomorrow?

Each day is such a battle, such a struggle, such a fight.

I dont want to fight anymore, enough is enough.

I wonder how much longer i can last?

How can one person go through all this?

Shouldnt i have broken by this point?

Why do i keep having to be strong?

Im just a teenager, a little girl. Why do i have to go through this?

I want protection & comfort.

I dont want to walk this path, walk in the blackness.

Its not fair. Its all too much for me.

I dont get anything good, no time out.

No one listens to me, wants to know what i want.

Its my life, but i get no say, no choice.

I just have to follow rules.

Im treated like a  prisioner, some murderer or something.

How is this fair?

Im just a girl who doesnt want to eat?

What is wrong with that?

Slowly killing myself - diary entry

Diary entry - 2011

Im just not fighting anymore.

Im slowly killing myself.

Today... looking in the mirror.

My bones stuck out. i could see my ribs. see the bones on my arms, which i havent seen since christmas.

   

Im horrible.

I wasnt happy.

I didnt smile.

Im tired of this.

I want to stop losing weight.

I want to be normal.

I dont want to be thin.

I want to be normal.

I dont want to be sick.

I want to do normal things.

But im scared of living.

im scared to move forward.

but i dont want to move back.

i dont even want to be stuck here. now.

Where am i supposed to go?

No one wants to read my depressing blog. 

How im just a stupid girl.

But im going to keep writing.

Where am i heading?

I dont know.

I dont know which path im on.

But i know its not looking good

REMEMBER: YOU CAN RECOVER.

AND YOU NEED TO ASWELL.

IFYOU ARENT RECOVERING FROM YOUR ED, YOU ARE DYING FROM IT.

Diary post

Diary post from 2011

I hate everything ive  become. I hate everything about me.
   But also, i cant remember who i am? Who was i before all of this.

All i can rememeber are my years of being sick. I cant remember being normal, doing normal things. And if i did, all i can remember are the sick, Ana parts, the thoughts and anxiety i got when i went ot the cinema with friends, being in school i never ate, going into town avoiding eating even when my friends ate... all i remember is being sick.

I must have been normal at some stage - Of course i was.  Buut i cant remember it.

I dont even know what it is im missing. What is normal? How can someone tell me when i'll be normal again, when i'll be healthy when i dont even know when or what that is?

I cant remember a healthy girl, ive forgotten all thoose memories, buried them deep inside me.

I cant remeber how i thought when i didnt have thoughts of food and calories and anxiety over eating.
  
And what scares me most is that once im a day patient, i d ont know how things will go. at the moment things are going really well, and theres nor eason to say that they wont when i become a day patient, but im scared....?
   no one can tell me that i wont end up as an inpatient for the 5th time? I wont let that happen, but its not like i ever wanted to come back.
   Im not getting worse.... im just scared and worried.

And today when i looked over pictures of when i was Healthy? I dont even know when that was.
   I dont know...it feels weird to think that i didnt have thoughts of self hatred of my body, and that i ate what i wanted. and didnt think of calories.
  
It still scares me to think that i'll be healthy that  i can no longer be classified as an anorexic.
   And now, im starting to think of the damage ive done. Will i grow anymore? Will i get my period again? WIll i ever meet anyone? Will i even get any good education.

And then theres my scars... i know i shouldnt, but i want to do modelling but now ive realised that i wont be able to, no agency would want me, as my scars are still visible, and also the fact, wat would happen if i was told too lose weight?
  And the though of me not being able to do modelling is really crushing me.... i know tis stupid and many people haev told me that after what ive been through its not advised to then go into a business where its all about small and weight. but i dont care... its something i love doing... it would eb a side job, im not stupid eough to ttry to make it as full career, i would like to have a proper job... what ever that iwll be.

But i supppose i have to satisfy myself to be behind the camera instead. :/

I really do hate what ive become. When i look at my old pictures, when i was sick..... i hate it, but at the same time, i want to go back to it??
   I dont know what to think anymore.... i dont know what to do?

This is just one messed up post, blabbing about a bit of eveyrthing. but at the moment im a bit of a jumbled mess. dont know whether to be happy or sad, worried or stressed, whether to cry or to laugh.

I just dont know.


I remember when i was sick i was so set on being a model, that was what i wanted to become. I wonder if that was part of my ED, because now... well it would be fun to be a model. But really im not that fussed about it. I like the way i look, i dont need people to look at pictures of me and get some type of comfirmation of that i look good. I would also never lose weight just so that i got accepted to a modelling agency.
   Did you know that i got scouted twice when i was sick with anorexia... i had a BMI of about 14 at the time...  How could they not see that i was so underweight and sick? Just that thought, that they wanted a young teenager who was severaly underweight as a model puts me off all of that modelling business.