Dealing with physical problems from your eating disoder - answer

Has anyone on here, either Izzy or her readers experienced physical health problems alongside their ED? And if so do they resolve themselves/get better as recovery progresses or are you left with lasting, long term problems?
I ask because this is my second attempt at recovery from my Ed. The first time even though I had ED I was generally well in myself, apart from thinning hair problems and sleep problems - but I had energy to get on with things. When I was almost weight restored I relapsed back down to my pre - recovery weight due to I believe just not being mentally "restored", I wasn't prepared or expecting that side of recovery, I was so busy concentrating on refeeding and getting weight restored that I neglected the physcological side. This time round, thanks mainly to this blog and more further reading I am more prepared and determined this time to do it "properly". The thing is its so much harder this time as I feel so sick and unwell. This saps my spirit somewhat as I thought recovery was when you began to feel better, not worse! And I have a stack of health problems to cope with too which I didn't have before. It would be nice to know if others have experienced problems too and whether or not they lasted post-recovery. Such a lot is written about how to recover but very little when it comes to physical effects of ED.
I would be so grateful for any advice given. Thank you xxx


First off, i am so glad that you are choosing to recover and to focus on both the physical and mental side of recovery! Its not easy, but it is worth it.

And recovery DOES get easier over time... and recovery does make life better even if life wont always be positive and wonderful, it will at least be better than if you went through the same situations but having to deal with your eating disorder as well. Even if recovery does make life easier there will still be tough times and recovery definitely isn't always easy, there will be times you wonder why you are even trying when things seem to feel worse with the anxiety, guilt or just hormonal imbalance or other problems, but over time many of those problems can get better.

When you have an eating disorder you end up breaking down your body when you aren't eating properly and that has consequences. And of course the longer you are sick the more damage you do to your body... and its damage you don't always see until its too late. I was told when i was in recovery that i was in a risk for osteoporosis because i had eaten so little, however with proper nutrition i was able to reverse that and now i have strong and healthy bones. I also had electrolyte imbalance where i was at a risk for a heart attack because i had so little potassium as well as purging so often, but once i began eating regularly and not purging that was able to fix itself.

But then there are other problems such as constant heart burn, slight incontinence, hip, back and knee problems from over exercising which still affect me today.  Not to mention all the hormonal imbalance i had... mood swings, irritation, extreme tiredness, couldn't always trust my bodies signals and my period was irregular for a very long time (i.e 1 year +) where i would either get it once every 2 months or 2 times in a month, and that was rather difficult to deal with. But that's better now and also my hormones are more under control now as well!

During recovery i had other problems such as lots of bloating, indigestion, rumination syndrome (i.e food would automatically come back up without even trying and this lasted quite a long time to be honest but over time it stopped when i didn't purge anymore),thin hair and even swelling... at one time when i was in inpatient care my feet began to swell like crazy... I'm pretty sure the pictures are on another hard drive but it was crazy. I was accused of exercising or doing something wrong, but i think it was just something in my diet and the warm weather at the time and the lack of movement i was doing so the doctor wanted me to start doing leg movements and walking to get rid of the water but instead i just had to try to keep my legs elevated and over time the swelling passed... but i was rather swelled and bloated in recovery - which eventually passed. 

I know it can seem awful when you are eating better and trying to face fears and really recover and you just end up with bloating pain, more tiredness, maybe hair that still falls out or indigestion issues but SOME problems do get better over time. With regular eating and the right nutrition then digestion problems and nutrient deficiency problems can get better, even if it doesn't automatically get better. Other problems are more long lasting and unfortunately that's just the way it is.... you have to remember that an eating disorder breaks down your body... inner damage is done and some damage is irreversible, but at times when that gets you down you have to remember that if you stay sick the damage will be worse. Instead by recovering and feeding your body right and taking care of your body maybe you can stop the damage from getting worse and in some cases the problems can go away/get better as well.

You have to remember all the positives about recovery and why you want to recover, and also remember that if you are stuck with long lasting consequences (i sure am) then that's just a reminder of why you don't want to go back and why taking care of your body is so important!! Give recovery time, it does take longer for things to get better than you think but in a years time you will look back and realise how far you have come and how things have gotten much better - hopefully!

And don't forget that if you do have different problems you can go to doctors  or specialists for advice and maybe if they cant fix the problem they can at least give advice on how to make it better!

Recovery is worth it, never forget that!!

Living on your own after treatment - how to prepare meals for the week - calorie intake - (answer)

Hey Izzy! Thank you for being soo inspirational. We are the same age but I look up to you anyways :)

I have two questions I don't think you have broughten up, which probably also would be interesting for others to hear your point of view. (I'm so sorry for my bad english btw)



1. I'm now moving to my own home where I live by myself from the treatmentcenter and I keep wondering how I will do with cooking. Here it's just served and for me to eat. But now I have to do the foodstoreshooping, the cooking and planing and everything and I just don't know how to do it right. 

Like should I plan the week what I should buy and cook or is that disorderd? If I don't do this i'm afraid all my days will go spending worrying and planing what to eat. But if I already have a weekplan I know and might not think and plan as much since it's already planned. And what should I do when I plan, should I plan for it to be the most "scary" or what I think I crave or what's healthy? This is so confusing for me honestly... Can I eat the same meal to lunch and dinner and more in one day a week. How much varity does it have to be you think for it to be normal? What is a good weekly plan you think?

Should I also plan my snacks and breakfasts? Because I have a mealplan but with diffrent options on it and I'm thinking to much about what's the "right choise" of afraidness of regreting later what I choosed. I try to vary but it gives anxiety that I have so many options. I'm thinking if it's already plan from my side I don't have stand there and think so much and just do what I planned and stick to it.


Hello,
  Thank you for this question as this topic is something i havent addressed on my blog. I would say it is individual about what you think works best for you.

For example, i don't have a disorder anymore but when i lived on my own then some weeks i did a huge food shop and then meal prepped for 3-5 days and had my lunches and dinners ready and prepared - and the variation was little due to 1) i was eating the food i liked and 2) economical reasons. And then snacks i just had basic snack foods like bread, crisp bread, oatmeal, fruit, chia seeds etc at home so i ate snacks such as those. And then other weeks i would go shopping every second day and just buy the food i wanted/craved and didnt have any food boxes prepared.. though this wasnt so economical on my part, but at times that was how it was for lunches and dinners - just ate what i craved instead of having all my food at home and then preparing it before eating or already having it prepared.

I would suggest maybe having some type of plan for lunches and dinners...  maybe write down what you plan to make for dinner each day of the week and maybe incorporate 1-2 fear foods/fear meals. You dont have to eat food you dont like, but if food is just a fear food because you are scared of it, then you do need to try to eat that food. Because it is a difference in being scared of a food due to the calorie content or because you think it is unhealthy, and just not liking a food. However some find it easier to face fear foods while with others - so maybe you can go out to eat or invite others over once a week and face fear foods then?

Having a type of food plan for the week i.e knowing what you will eat for lunches and dinners isnt necessarily disordered, it can give you a sense of calm and stop all the thoughts about "what to buy, what to eat etc" and then it is just to cook the food and eat it, and you know you have the ingredients at home. But also dont be scared to difer from that plan if you feel you crave something else. For example if you had planned to eat pasta with sauce and meat, but then you crave potatoes and fish instead then eat that instead. With lunches, you can either do left overs from dinner or plan for them as well. When you live on your own it is easy to cook "too much" i.e who cooks just one portion? XD But it can then give you food boxes for the week, example if you make a big lasagna then you have lunch and dinner for a few days as well maybe.

With variation, i would try to have some form of variation for the sake of getting all your micronutrients, but also the body needs food variation, as well as it being good to not get stuck eating the same all the time. So i would say - have as much variation as your economy allows. Or you could just change simple things such as one week you eat normal potatoes the next week you eat sweet potatoes, 3 days a week you eat rice and 3 days a week you eat pasta, or you change the type of vegetable you eat or the type of protein source (i.e meat/fake meat/beans and lentils/fish etc) you eat.

With snacks, i would buy home the ingredients for all the 3 snack options so that you can then just choose which snack you fancy at the time. This gives you more "freedom" and can lead to intuitive eating in the future if you listen to your body.

I would say - dont think so much about "what is normal" instead try to do what is best for you but what also DEFYS your eating disorder. Make sure to keep your portion sizes the same and eat your regular meals. Just because you are on your own and need to cook meals on your own doesnt mean you can skip those things. Try to not make food a "huge deal" but instead just something part of your life. All your thoughts shouldnt go to food... so if meal prepping and having food boxes ready makes it easier for you and you think less about food then do that. If buying food everyday/second day and eating what you crave works best for you, then do that. If having a weekly food plan with your lunches/dinners already planned then do that :) The focus is to move away from the food obsession and less thoughts about food and more living life and thoughts on other things :)




2. I have now reached a weight in the healthy-rage bmi. But I keep gaining on my mealplan. My treater says it will evens out on this with time but it's like between 2500-3000 calories and I keep gaining on it which make me think it's to high for me. I'm still not allowed to work out and i'm very quiet daily. Should I reduce my mealplan to a more normal amount (but still healthy of course) so my weight finally evens out? I don't wanna keep gaining and gaining but I don't think my weight will evens out on this amount of calories when i'm this quiet...

Thank you so much again :)


I would keep eating the amount you should eat. Naturally when you live on your own/begin to live life more you begin to be more active. I.e when you were in treatment you were most likely just resting, but now when you live on your own you will do food shopping, maybe some walking to the transport system/car/walking to places, cleaning the house, doing things during the day somedays etc and that should balance things out. But also your body needs time to adapt. Your case manager/treater should know what they are talking about and if after a few weeks the weight gain hasnt stopped then maybe a change in meal plan has to be made, but dont do it yourself. Especially not when you are beginning to live on your own and prepare your own meals and portion sizes, because it is so easy to eat less than you need just because you are on your own. Keep following your meal plan and trust your case manage, your weight should balance out eventually. But also remember if you have just hit the lowest healthy BMI range, then that might not be your healthy weight or set point. For example i was declared healthy with a BMI of 19 and i mainted that weight for a few months but then when i began strength training i gained weight and maintained a BMI of 20-21 for a few years which is where my body had its set point. So the lowest healthy weight isnt always where the body settles. Give your body some time to adapt, and try to focus more on life now and not abusing your freedom. Keep fighting the eating disorder thoughts and defying your eating disorder so that you can maintain your treatment and begin to live life the way you want to :)

Thinking the past was better and comparing to your past with an eating disorder.

Could you write something about comparing yourself to when you were sick. I am doing this and I don't know why or how to stop. I compare my meals, my body etc. I look back and actually miss the days I spend eating large amounts of food and not looking fat. I miss being the skinny one. I just look past how aweful I felt and how sick I was and think of all the 'positive'. Allthough there wasn't much positive really!? I have curently a healthy weight, declared healthy, but not living my life fully the way I should :/ I worry about my weight... An eating disorder is all in the head, right? Well, then I think people that are supposed to help anorexics should consider that before they declare someone like me healthy. I am maintaining my weight, but I feel aweful.



The brain is funny in the way that it can make the past look a little better than it actually was. It takes away the pain and emotions and all the awfulness and instead paints up a picture of "it was great in the past". In the past i struggled with the same comparison as you i.e my mind told me that weighing 10kg less wouldnt be so bad, because i was still functioning and happy (?) when i had weighed that little before.... my mind tried to paint the picture that things were fine in the past. But then i had to remind myself that there was a reason i had gained the weight, the reason i had fought to try to recover and a reason that i had made and wanted changes. The past had been filled with anxiety, guilt, self hatred and i hadnt liked my body when i was so underweight i still had the fat feelings and hated myself and my body. When i thought rationally and logically i realised that the past wasnt better than the present and that the problems i was dealing with in the present were problems i could deal with and not resort to old behaviours.


Nostalgia is a liar - something i have learned in life. That the past always seems to have a rosy taint to it and makes everything seem better than it was, especially when times are tough in the present. The important thing is to try to focus on the now and not look into the past, unless you are trying to learn from past mistakes or to see how far you have come. Staying in the present and making the present time good is the important thing, not looking into the past and thinking the past was better as it often wasnt, and even if it was... you can't go back.


As you wrote, eating disorders are mental illnesses and often the body heals before the mind. And to truly recover mentally can take a long time, but it is not impossible. If you find that you are still struggling i would suggest maybe seeking help such as therapy, or just consling in someone? I find it strange how doctors and people in health care just focus on weight and the physical aspects of eating disorder recovery and not so much on the mental side, despite eating disorders actually being a mental illness. So many are "declared healthy" or no longer recieve treatment despite that they still struggle but have a healthy weight. 

The first thing i would suggest is 1) maybe seek help again? and 2) Focus on what YOU can do to change your thoughts and things in your life to make your life better. And these changes don't include going back into the past or relapsing or changing your body. Instead they should include changing your thoughts, facing the fears you have, getting ride of a scale if you weigh yourself as well as maybe starting a new hobby or finding a new interest - something to get you out of the house and doing something fun. Try to create a life now that you enjoy, a life which makes you want to live life and appreciate how far you have come and how awesome life can be. But if you just sit at home and do nothing and "feel fat" and think 'life was better when i was skinny', then the present wont feel so great. But if you create an awesome life now and focus on the present and happiness then going back into the past doesnt feel tempting at all.

I would also suggest getting rid of old photos or clothes or anything that makes you hold onto the past or could be triggering for you. Things such as too small clothes or triggering pictures aren't things you need in your life anymore, instead focus on the healthy and present you.

Also remember that just because you have a healthy weight does not mean that you are fat, and i am sure that you can still eat plenty - if recovery is done right then you should be able to eat enough and not have to restrict to maintain your weight, if that is the case then you might not be at your healthy set point.  Try to focus on self love and the positive things about yourself. Focus on the positives about who you are, how you look and your life... each day try to say 5 positive things about yourself. It might seem fake or cheesy in the beginning but it gets easier and it feels awesome when you can begin to love yourself and look in the mirror and feel at peace - and it all begins in your mind and your thoughts. Self love and happiness comes from the inside and wont happen from staying in the past or hating yourself or constantly trying to change your body.

Focus on dreams and goals and the future, what can you do in your life NOW to make it good - and make it a place you want to be? What can you do now that you couldnt do when you were sick? Try to appreciate your body for what it can do and not how it looks. But also try to set up goals and dreams - both long term and short term, that can make you excited to live life and be healthy enough to achieve them.

Life wont get better unless you make it better, and if your thoughts are stuck in the past and with an eating disorder then you wont feel better. But if you instead make a list of all the reasons why an eating disorder is aweful and why you dont want to go back to it and all the reasons why losing weight is a terrible idea, and then look at that list each time nostalgia tries to convince you that your eating disorder wasnt so bad.

It gets easier and life is awesome if you make it awesome! And i know its easy to get stuck in the mindset of "life is aweful now, why be "fat" and feel aweful when i could lose all the weight again and be skinny and feel aweful", but trust me... it doesnt work that way. And a healthy weight does not equal fat, and an underweight does not equal healthy. Focus on self love and making your present life great!!

Never be fully recovered from an eating disorder?

Something i struggle and dislike reading are articles writen from people about how they will never be recovered from an eating disorder. How they will always struggle with self loathing and negative food thoughts - the only difference for them is that they know the thoughts are there and can somewhat control them.

But is that actually recovered? What type of message does that send out.... ? Gain weight, try to recover, but hey... forgot to mention that you will always have messed up food thoughts, still maybe count calories and hate yourself, but you can atleast notice that the thoughts are there and sometimes eat a cookie without feeling guilty.

To me, that doesnt sound recovered or healthy? Like just accepting that you will always have disordered thoughts or behaviours? That sounds more like a functional sufferer to me.

But i also know that full recovery takes YEARS. Unfortunatly... weight gain and physical health often comes alot faster than full mental recovery, and full mental recovery can take years and its about making choices each day/each moment to go against that negative and controlling voice so that you can be free. In all honesty i dont know when i was fully free from all my disordered behaviour and thoughts as well as self loathing, maybe around 2014 but i was declared healthy in 2012.

Of course then there is the whole thing that i still struggle with depression and anxiety which came along with my eating disorder and those i havent fully recovered, so am i fully recovered from mental illness? No, maybe not but from my eating disorder atleast but it took alot longer than my doctors thought and what i thought as well. First you need to be aware of your habits and question why you do things and the second is then to make changes if what you do or think isnt benefitting you or it is part of your illness... because you often know deep inside what is You or what is your illness.

Picture 1) Struggling to even drink water while being in the mental hospital

Picture 2) Proudly showing my gingerbread cheesecake i had made and looking forward to eating it!

When it comes to calories and negative thoughts about food and your body, you can work to get rid of those thoughts, but then it is about challenging and changing the thoughts. It takes time and trying to listen to your body, of course some people need some form of structure i.e a meal plan all their life because that works best for them, that doesnt mean it is disordered. Others find that they can move onto intuitive eating rather quickly and find balance with that - whatever works best and you find peace and that unless food is something you work with or have as an interest i.e maybe baking or cooking - then it shouldnt be on your mind so often. The more you listen to your body and eat what you want and begin to trust your body, the less you think of calories or macros and those begin to fade. Even if you will always know the calorie content of food and be able to guess pretty accuratly, you should eventually reach a stage where calories are just numbers and not something that stops you and you stop seeing food as numbers but instead as delicious and something you like or dont like not in what is high calorie or low calories.

 I believe that full recovery from an eating disorder is possible, and i do want to believe that full recovery from anxiety and depression is also possible and that is what i am working towards now! So that one day i wont struggle with anxiety or not to the extent i struggle with now, and that depression wont be something reoccuring in my life, but it is a process and about making changes.

The important thing is to not accept the unhealthy behaviours or thoughts. Dont settle for them and think "oh, i will never change. I will never get better", because then you have already lost the battle. Instead you need to decide that "NO, i refuse to live this way with these thoughts or fear or restrictions holding me back. Instead i will make the changes necessary, change my thoughts and behaviours and not let them hold me back".  It can take time - months or years, but it is still possible to fully recover, that is what i believe in. But if you settle and decide that you wont ever get better or that you will always think the way you do, well then that is the case... then you wont get rid of the thoughts or behaviours if you dont try.

This is my opinion on it anyway, and i have contact with many who say they have fully recovered. Of course people can just say they are fully recovered but still just be a functional sufferer, but from what i can see and understand they all seem pretty recovered.


Am i the perfect example of recovered? hahahahh NO. Big no. I have made mistakes and from my blog i know i can seem like i might have disordered behaviours i.e foood pictures, exercise, working with nutrition, my body type? But i know myself that i am fully recovered from my eating disorder, its just my depression and anxiety. .And of course i do struggle with low self esteem and perfectionism as well as lack of ability to cope with stress, but those things i am working on. It all takes time. But my food related issues and body issues are all gone and of course it took many years for that to happen and alot of analyzing over my own behaviours and thoughts and making the changes necessary. And as mentioned, i may have been declared healthy on paper in 2012 but i still wasnt fully recovered back then - and i refused to settle there. Because even if i was SO MUCH BETTER than i had been for the past few years, i realised sometime in 2013 that there will still changes i could make to reach a more healthy mindset!!


We continue to grow and change in life all the time and it is important to not settle for half recovery or think that a certain situation will always be the same way, because it wont. .But it is also about change!

Being judged for eating too healthy? And eating being judged because of a past eating disorder

I also have a question for you, I'm recovered since 4 years and I have been following you since I was sick myself, because I'm very interested of peoples development and our journeys are quite alike. I had activity problems as you and after I got declared healthy I still struggled a lot with training and eating enough. I got into that fitness lifestyle just as you did and it was not healthy. Now I have gotten out of that but I still eat healthy foods like you are, but I don't have problems with eating junk food and it doesn't give me anxiety or bad thoughts. I love the food I'm eating and my energy levels never drops because I eat so good foods for the body. Though now my friend is questioning me and thinks that I'm only eating diet food and not eating varied, although I consider my diet very varied and healthy since I eat so much different foods but I choose slow carbs, healthy fats and mostly lean protein, as well as sometimes eating whatever is served and having treats as well. She thinks that it's sick that I can choose to make banana ice-cream or a bowl of yoghurt with a nice muesli and fruits instead of a bag of candy or whatever. Though I really don't like the taste of candy as it's so so sweet and feels so chemical. Then I much rather give myself fruit salad or whatever that I actually enjoy and it fills me up and gives me energy for longer than just 30 min sugarrush and then downfall completely. I consider it to be a lifestyle and I really really like it. It suits me so good and I feel strong mentally and physically because I get so much good energy, rather than only eating like pizza/pasta dishes and feel very sluggish and not feeling full after a meal, or just uncomfortable fullness. Is it my mind playing tricks with me and is she right telling me I'm not healthy or can one actually choose to have this type of foods and be fully healthy? I consider myself healthy but I also get her point as she thinks that normal people doesn't care what they eat, they just eat. What do you think about this? Sorry for a very long post lol =)

Hello,

I am sorry it has taken so long to reply to your message, but i thought i would reply in a post as what you write is the same for me. I.e judgd by what i eat and told that i am still sick because i at times choose a salad instead of a pizza, or because i rather eat oatmeal or a fruit salad than to eat chips as a snack. 

The honest truth is that

 1) Because of your past with an eating disorder you will always be judged somewhat based on what you eat.

2) What people think is normal is different i.e what i eat is normal for me, but can seem far too healthy or very weird for people living in different parts of the world or who have different lifestyles than me.

3) People often think that when someone has recovered from an eating disorder they always need to choose chocolate before fruit, or pizza before salad or chips before popcorn etc. But recovery is about eating the food you want. I personally think it is more disordered if you eat things just because you think you "have to" or constantly trying to prove you are healthy, that in itself isnt healthy.

When you are recovered you should be able to listen to your body and eat what your body needs, and that means that somedays you want oatmeal, other times you want fruit and other times you want bread with cheese. And somedays you might want to snack on chocolate and other times on vegetables and dip, it varies. The important thing is that you listen to what  YOU want to eat and what your body needs and not being influenced by lowest calories or healthiest or what you should eat, but instead what it is you want to eat. But of course having a balance and moderation is important as well. I mean some weeks all i want is chocolate after every meal, and in the long term that might not be the healthiest but most often i eat some form of sweet or chocolate everyday as that is what i enjoy and makes me feel happy!

It is also important to be honest with yourself about why you make the food choices you do. I.e when you go out to eat do you choose the salad because it is the lowest calorie or because you think it is the healthiest or because a salad is actually what you want? Being honest with yourself is what is important, people will always have their opinions. But if you can be true to yourself and listen to your body then it doesnt matter so much other peoples opinions. (Of course, this is very individual. For example when you are recovering and dont have such a great portion control/image, then maybe you need to listen to your family or friends who tell you that your portions are very small even if you think they are normal.)

Everyone thinks different about food and what is normal. For me when i choose what to eat or buy in the store i base it off of what i am craving, what i like, what i want to eat and of course my budget, hahaha. But things such as what is healthiest or lowest in calorie, i couldnt care less about those things.  I choose food based off of what i like and those foods include lots of vegetables, fruit, bread, nuts and seeds, tofu and soy meat as well as lots of potatoes. I have grown up in a family and with a lifestyle where those things have always been part of my diet (or well, the foods eaten at home with my mum), so for me it is not strange to have those items as 80% of my diet and then when i crave foods like ice cream, crisps/popcorn, biscuits or cakes i buy them or make them. For me that is the way i have grown up and what i have been taught and also the lifestyle i live now, but for others they have grown up eating chips, pizza, burgers and chocoalte everyday, so for them it isnt an "obvious" thing to have vegetables and fruit at home, and anyone who does eat that way is seen as "too healthy" or obsessed with being healthy.

It is about being honest with yourself. Because people will never know your real intentions, only you can know. And if you feel best with the way you eat and live your life, then keep living that way, because in the end it is your life and you make the choices. But also dont let your past define your present or future, as mentioned earlier... because of your past, many will judge you based on what you eat and at times it can be hard to escape. I cant escape it because of my blog so often i am told i eat too healthy when i am just eating what is normal for me and my family as well as what is at home and enjoyed!!

A very long post, but maybe others have some advice which i have forgotten :)

There needs to be better treatment for post weight gain recovery from an eating disorder

Something which i think needs to develop is the follow up treatment of an eating disorder. Because its not just gain weight, reach a healthy weight and live a healthy life. That is not how it works, recovery is so much about the mental progress and reaching a healthy mental stage but also about making lifestyle changes. Weight gain is just a small part of recovery and not everyone who has an eating disorder needs to gain weight, but its the thoughts that need to change.

The treatment i went to - Mando in Stockholm they have a 5 year follow up program which i am still going to, but its just one visit each year and i have one visit sometime in autumn and that is either my last visit or second last visit and then i am no longer a patient for them. However that follow up treatment is more for their statistics rather than to actually help, or that is how i feel anyway. I mean sure you fill out some questionnaires and you eat a meal there and you get weighed, but even when i struggled with depression i never felt like i could talk to my case manager there because i just wanted to be free and i didnt want to go back to treatment so its easy to say that you are fine and everything is fine and then after 2 hours you leave there and know that you dont need to go back for another 6 months. However many treatment programs dont even have that follow up treatment so i do think its good, because if someone has lost alot of weight they cant really hide that when they go back and have to get weighed, so it is good that they have the follow up treatment. Though what i wish is that in treatment they talked more about post recovery and going back to school, going back to living life and socializing. Dealing with stress, dealing with life....

Just because you recover doesnt mean that all your problems are gone. Its just like when people try to lose weight and they still hate themselves even after the weightloss or all their problems are there, and that is because you need to work on the actual problem, and that is part of recovery. You need to work on the actual problem but that often needs help as well, such as therapy to realise what the problem is and to get advice about how to fix that problem or overcome that problem.

It is hard to talk about and give advice about life after recovery because it is so different for everyone and whether you are truly mentally recovered or not. But while i was in treatment nobody ever talked to me about how i should eat when i was recovered, whether i needed to decrease my calories, whether i should exercise lots or not exercise at all, nobody talked to me about how to love my body or how to cope with stress, nobody helped me to get back into life... instead it was basically just going from being an inpatient for a year and struggling to even eat an apple on my own to suddenly being back in school and having to eat all my food mostly on my own and still struggling with all my problems such as hating my body, having low self esteem, not able to cope with emotions... all of that was still there and i had to learn to cope with those things on my own. I have grown from that and learnt alot and become stronger, but in a way i wish that i had gotten help with it as well.

I wish someone had talked to me about the fact that finding balance with food is hard, finding balance with exercise is hard, that if you have struggled with restrictive eating it is not uncommon to end up struggling with binge eating.  But no one did help me with that, they focused on giving me a meal plan and making me gain wright and the rest was up to me.... I managed, but it was a struggle.

With my blog though i try my best to help all of YOU to answer some of those questions about after recovery. Because it is scary, it is unknown... you want to know how your metabolism will work, whether you will keep gaining weight, how you should eat, how you should exercise, how to love your body, how to cope with school, how to socialize... so many questions and nobody really gives you the answers, but i try my best to help. Because i know how it feels to be in the dark and scared and you just want someone to give you advice. But then again i guess thats life, nobody really has the answers and we all just have to keep going and do stuff even if we have no idea what the results will be. But it usually turns out ok at the end!!!

But back to the start, i hope that treatment programs begin to develop to offer better treatment, care and help even for those who dont need to gain weight or those who have reached a healthy weight. And also get better at answering questions and giving advice and not just saying "eat this, rest and eventually go back to school or work", because that doesnt help so much.

In general i think treatment needs to improve for eating disorders, i was lucky that i got to go to a specialized treatment for eating disorders and was also put on the priority list, as well as health care being free for those under 18 here in Sweden, so i am very lucky and thankful. Because i know how it is very different in other countries as well as waiting time for eating disorder treatment being long (At mando there was a waiting list of around 6 months, but as i came from treatment from Ireland and everything had been arranged and i was in a critical stage i only had to wait 2 weeks before i was admitted. But one thing which i noted when i have talked to others at Mando is that some waited several months before they recieved treatment - after doing the tests at Mando - and they were also in critical stages, but there just wasnt enough staff for them to recieve help, or there were enough beds for them to be inpatient, and that is scary. Because in just a matter of a few weeks health can deteriorate. ) So in the future i hope that treatment improves and also treatment to help people truly recover and not just let them go because they are a healthy weight!!

^^I know which lifestyle i prefer ;););)

Your eating disorder changes you

Alot of people worry about after recovery. Wondering how to get back to their old self? How they will look? How they will feel? Worrying because they will weigh more than their pre ED weight.

But the fact is, you won't be the same as your old pre ED self. Think of everything you have been through. There is no way that you could go back to being the old you. You have changed, gone through events and experienced new things. But also your weight, it won't be the same because time has passed. You can't expect to weigh the same weight you did when you were X years old. But also after an eating disorder your body needs to weigh a little more to feel safer and function properly.
   

Life is also about creating yourself. You might find new hobbies and interests, your personality might change a little just like you might not enjoy certain things anymore.  You change. You will be different. So stop aiming to be the person you were before your ED.  Because you won't be. You can't go back to the past, you can only move forward. So focus on creating the new you. The person you want to be!!!

 I tried to find photos of me before my eating disorder, but i dont really have any. These are sort of pre ED pictures.

So young, not really knowing what awaited me. But it was at this time that i began thinking more about my future, worrying about my CF and i stopped taking my CF medications which was sort of the first step towards a very deep, downward spiral.

But what i wanted to show was that, this was the old me. The younger me. I really didnt weight so much at the time so when i was told at Mando that my goal weight would be higher than it was at this stage it felt like someone had punched me. I didnt understand that 1)I had grown a cm or two and 2) I was several years older so of course i would need to weigh more.

During my recovery i never longed back to the girl i was before, i didnt like her. She was shy, very low self esteem, worried too much about everything and got anxiety, i didnt dare step outside of my comfort zone. I didnt want to be her anymore and i had almost forgotten how i was when i was deep in my eating disorder. However i did long back to being a 5 year old, wanting to run in the fields, have my mum and dad take care of me, not have any worries or go to school or stress, think about my body or have anxiety. I longed back to being a child - but i had to realise that 1) I will never be a 5 year old again and 2)Life is what i make it. Life doesnt have to be bad, i just have to make it good!

Losing weight or gaining weight after an eating disorder

Weightloss and weight gain can't always be controlled... sometimes life is stressful which can either cause weight gain or weightloss. Or maybe you have some economical problems so you cant buy enough food or if something tragic happens then it can lead to eating less or more which can cause weightloss or weight gain. But also hormones, for example if you begin with hormonal pills for different reasons that can cause either weightloss or weight gain. These things can be very triggering if you have recovered from an eating disorder, but it is important to not let the number on the scale affect you. But to be able to deal with those types of changes and also know where your body feels best.

For example if you have lost weight then dont let that trigger you into losing more weight, but know where your healthy set point is and try to get back to that. But also if you gain weight ask yourself, is this affecting my negatively, is it necessary that i lose the weight? If for example you gain alot of weight quickly due to hormonal changes then that might not make you feel the best and so you know that your healthy set point is a few kilo less and you know you would feel better if you lost a few of those kilos, then you can do that if it i helps you. But then dont go on a fad or restrictive diet, but do it in a smart way where you dont damage yourself or your mental health. Also be aware that if that weightloss would trigger you mentally and you know that losing 4 kg would lead to losing 8kg and losing 12 kg etc, ask yourself is it really worth it just to lose a few kilo when infact you dont even need to lose that weight. But also if you strength train it is possible and normal to gain weight and that is not something you should panic about either, you dont need to try to lose that weight, instead just accept it. For example when i was strength training for a while i weighed around 66kg and that was a healthy and normal weight as it was due to muscle gain. But stress affects me quite alot which leads to eating less and weightloss, but i know where my body feels best and that is around 64-65kg so even if i dont weigh myself (the only time i do is when I am at the CF clinic) i know that that is a weight where my body feels best. It is energetic, functions properly and mentally i have the most energy and such. I know my body very well so i do notice/feel it in my energy levels and such if i lose or gain weight. But i also know that if i do lose weight due to stress or other factors for example recently i have been having alot of stomach problems, to the point of extreme pain and havent been able to eat so much. But i also know that if i do lose weight it doesnt put me in an underweight range. Which is why it is often recommended to have a higher BMI for many different reasons after an eating disorder, but also because if you do lose weight due to reasons it wont put you underweight. As that takes its toll on you physically but also mentally. But also your body will function better if you have a higher BMI.

Try to not focus so much on the scale, but instead knowing where your body and mind feels best. Weight is just a number, though of course still being underweight is not recommended even if you feel mentally healthy. Like i wrote in my previous post, if you are truly healthy then why are you so set on having an underweight weight? But some people are naturally very slim, however after an eating disorder that is not a good idea because if you do lose weight it will affect you physically more as well as it can trigger you mentally. And dont forget that if weightgain happens due to life and it is not that you have begun binging then dont worry so much about that weight gain. Maybe your body just needed to gain weight or its hormones etc

This post has become really long but i just wanted to write out that you shouldnt worry so much about the number and know that if you do gain weight or lose a little weight even after reaching your goal weight it is not the end of the world. But of course if you lose weight and end up underweight again, that is never good. But it is not the end of the world either, but be honest with yourself and know where your body functions best!

Eating disorder recovery and when are you healthy

A common question i recieve is what will happen after recovery? How will i think? How will i behave?

And i can't answer this because how someone behaves and lives life after recovery is how they choose to do it.... everyone is different. But it's also important to know the difference between FULL recovery when there is no voice in your head that controls you. There should be no voice telling you to eat the fruit instead of the cookie, no voice telling you to compensate because you are going out to eat dinner, there should be no voice telling you to only eat low food or follow a 5:2 diet or LCHF diet. That is half recovery or being a so called 'functional sufferer' and unless YOU do something about it, it is easy to get stuck in that hell and grey space of half recovery. This is where you can sort of live life, but you have your restrictions, you still feel guilty, there is still that voice in your head telling you to avoid certain things or to compensate. You feel guilt and anxiety and whether you admit it or not, you know that you are still sick.


With recovery and health from an eating disorder it is not enough to just eat and gain weight, that doesnt make the eating disorder go away. But eating enough and gaining weight - if you have been/are underweight - then it HELPS. Your body needs fuel and energy so tha tyou can think straight.
  You can read about the minnesota starvation study where they saw the effects of a starvation brain and how eating so little can actually cause eating disorders or disordered eating within people. CLICK HERE to read about it.


Some doctors say that when you have reached your healthy weight and can eat somewhat normally then you are healthy... but i dont agree with that. If you are forced to eat and gain weight - then you can do that. But if you have been forced to do it chances are you wont like it and you will try to lose the weight. But also if the weight gain does very quickly and your mind hasnt changed then you still arent recovered just because you are a healthy weight. OF COURSE that does not mean that you have to lose weight just to prove to everyone that you are sick. Half the problem is solved when you are a healthy weight and if you are a girl have your menstruation back, But once again, that doesnt automatically mean that you are healthy. Because it's a mental disorder it means that it's your thoughts and behaviours that define whether you are healthy or not.... and only you can do what your true thoughts and behaviours are. YOU know what you do in secrecy, you know your own thoughts. And it ISNT worth it to live in half recovery, it is a miserable life where you just wish it was over .

So when are you healthy? Well that depends on numerous things but i would say, you just know it. You get this feeling where you just know..... i no longer have an eating disorder. Your body is healthy - as healthy as possible for you anyway, you can sozialize as much as feels good for you (I.e some people enjoying socializing more than others, and just because you are an introvert and spend less time socializing, it doesnt have to be a bad thing). You can eat normally and what is healthy for YOU, whether that means eating more of certain things or less of certain things - but you know why you eat the food and your choices behind it. You can eat all types of food and dont get anxiety for eating at different times, places, foods, with others etc You can travel and do different things, you arent controlled by certain habits, routines or behaviours. You feel happy and healthy, even if times you might feel sad for a while.

The important thing which i think i should mention is that, there can come a small voice in the back of your head at times (rare occasions) even when you are healthy...... but the difference between being half recovered or still sick is that you hear the thought, you disregard it and do differently and then it dissappears after a moment/day/few days. But that is that.... it is not reoccuring thoughts or strong compulsions for you to begin with disrodered habits again. Because if that happens, then it might be signs of relapse.

Also i think its important to mention that even when you are healthy there is always a chance of relapse. I have had people emailing  me and telling me that they have been healthy for 10 years or 5 years or even 20 years but then something happened which caused them to relapse and suddenly they are going downhill again and can't seem to stop it. So it is important to stay mentally strong and not think 'this is a one time thing', but if you ever do skip a meal because you get anxiety or think you need to compensate or you eat a cookie, feel really guilty and then run an hour on the treadmill or you begin to cut out carbs, then fats etc be aware of those things and make sure that they arent stepping stones back to where you were when you were sick!



So... how will you think when you are healthy/recovered? I can't tell you, because its different for everyone. For me personally, i know the calorie content of most food. I can easily calculate meals and guess how much i am eating in a meal but i dont do that because i dont care. I dont care whether i ate a snack consisting of 300 or 700 calories. I dont care whether my total energy intake for the day was 2000 or 3200. I just eat and live life... somedays i eat more, somedays i eat less. In general i like my body,i like the way i look. But i dont put all my focus on my body, i have better things to think about. Sometimes i am very body positive and happy and other times i hate the way i look. But in general i am just neutral, i am happy, i like my body.
   When it comes to food thoughts... food shouldnt consum your thoughts. It is a part of your life, but not your whole life. Somedays you might forget about eating a snack, and otherdays you feeling extremely hungry and you just want to eat every hour. Its different.... just because i think this way when i am recovered doesnt mean that you will think the same way. But the best thing i can say is that You will know.

When you are healthy you wont question your health because you just know. And you wont long to be sick either..... because that is a very obvious sign of an unhealthy mind - when you long and wish to be sick.


If you want me to write anymore about this topic or you have any questions just let me know and i will try my best to help!

What it's like to be recovered from an eating disorder

Signs that you have recovered from your eating disorder

When I struggled with my ED I had no clue what it’s like to be recovered so here is a list for everyone who wonders too:

• you don’t weigh yourself everyday
• you don’t write down your daily weight
• seeing skinny girls on tumblr doesn’t affect you
• you forget how many calories a specific food contains
• you don’t count calories
• you don’t constantly grab your fat
• you accept the fact that every body holds and needs a certain amount of fat
• you don’t need minutes/hours/days to decide if you’re going to eat that cookie or not
• you can go out for dinner and not freak out about it
• you enjoy eating food
• you don’t immediately have the urge to work out / throw up after eating “too much”
• you don’t care if you ate too much that day
• you cannot tell what you ate 3 days ago
• you do exercise for fun and to keep your body healthy and fit, not in order to destroy it or make up for sth you ate
• you don’t go to bed hungry
• you don’t think about the food you ate while you’re trying to fall asleep
• and when you do think about the food you ate it’s because the food was super awesome and delicious and you want to eat it again
• you are ok with having an average BMI 
• you look into the mirror and see things you like
• you don’t even think about skipping meals
• your thoughts don’t constantly circle around food, calories and weight
• you can eat a piece of chocolate without eating 2358723 bars of chocolate
• you eat when you’re hungry and you stop when you’re full
• you don’t care if you ate more or less than anyone else at the table
• there’s no voice telling you you’re ugly or unworthy
• you don’t want to be sick
• you don’t think you’re too fat for an eating disorder
• you know you’re  great and deserve to be happy and healthy
• gaining weight doesn’t seem to be the worst thing that could ever happen to you
• you don’t compare yourself with everyone else in the room
• you can go to the beach without freaking out
• you regularly get your period (if you are a girl of course)
• you know that starving won’t make you special / better than those who eat
• you can say: “I’m hungry” and not feel guilty/ ashamed about it
• being happy makes you happy

Source X

Force feeding and scared of moving around after anorexia recovery

Force feeding and scared of moving around

^^Original article.


I found this article which i found very  interesting to read. This issomething i havent talked/written about myself. Even though i have gone through a period where i felt quite psychologically scarred by all the strict rules i had had at Mando. Being told and made to eat.eat.eat and that i was never allowed to leave a single bit of food on my plate, wasnt allowed the slightest bit of exercise. That was all wrong, so that was what i began to believe. And i almost felt scared of undereating, ever feeling hungry or having to walk that little bit extra.... i was scared of losing weight, scared of undereating and scared of going back to Mando. So it had me do the opposite - eat even if i wasnt hungry, just to make sure i was eating enough and to limit all exercise. Though this isnt healthy either if you are still living a life of fear.... fear of the past. You are trapped by your own thoughts and fears and arent following your bodies signals because you keep thinking you have to eat more and do less to avoid being 'sick'.

Here are the telltale signs that your original food avoidance-based anxiety has popped up as this 'rare mole' rather than been properly addressed through CBT or an equivalent therapeutic treatment approach: 

• you find yourself avoiding moving around, walking to class, doing the laundry or anything beyond sitting or lying down;
• you think that you should eat more than the minimum intake every day even when you are clearly not in a period of extreme hunger, and you force yourself to eat well above the minimum intake every day; 
• you are experiencing intense interoception (it's the sense of what is going on in your body) where every twitch and twinge makes you think that your recovery effort is going wrong and that you are not doing it right; 
• you get anxious if you cannot eat for a period of a few hours; 
• And you find yourself worrying about overshooting your optimal weight set point if you fail to eat and rest constantly.

If you find yourself struggling with these thoughts then i suggest you read the original article HERE as that can be helpful!

Requirements to be healthy

hi izzy,
maybe you can write a post about official healing from anorexia. which are 
the conditions for being fully recovered?

Hopefully this will answer your question:

Alot of questions i have gotten over the past few months is how and when do doctors declare you healthy?
  Is it as soon as you reach your healthy weight? How do doctors actually know if you are healthy or not?

What doctors can do is look at your behaviour, ask people who are around you to explain your behaviour.... do you act weird around food or exercise? Are you distant? Very angry? Isolate yourself? Feel weird or do weird things around food like always eating on your own? Does the person experience anxiety around food or change their behaviour when someone mentions going for a pizza or something like that.
  As well as that you, the person who has/had an eating disorder might have to fill in a questionnaire and answer questions about your physical and mental health. This is what i had to do at Mando anyway... though in all honesty, that didnt work so well. Because during one of my lowest points of my eating disorder i had to fill in one of those formulas/questionnaires but i didnt want the staff and doctors to know how much i was struggling so then all my answers came back as normal... like a healthy person would answer, or even better. Though they didnt believe those answers because everything else i.e my behaviour, what my mum said about my behaviour and such as well as my blood tests were all very negative.
   Blood tests are also a way for the doctor to know if your body is healthy or not.... a simple blood test can show whether you are purging or not, whether you are eating enough etc

Though can your doctor know if you are actually healthy or not... no he/she cant. No one else apart from YOU can know that. Because its in YOUR head. Its your thoughts.
  Thats the thing, many people get declared healthy even though they are half recovered because they might have a close to normal weight and behave some what normally but they are still controlled by a voice in their head. And because they are close to, or at their healthy weight then doctors might not care.... they care about the physical. When its actually the mental health which is very important.

Its YOU who has to fight your thoughts, its YOU who has to make sure that you keep fighting even if you are a normal weight. You need to get rid of those thoughts, not let food or weight or exercise or any other fears control you. You cant settle for half recovery and think you are healthy. Because you arent and you are missing out on SO MUCH then.

There were many times during my recovery i tried to beg and plead and convince my case manager and my mum that i was healthy but they didnt believe me. Which i think is a good thing though at the time i hated them. I wasnt healthy, i had fear foods, i had weird behaviour around food, i wasnt a healthy weight, i didnt have my period, resting could cause anxiety at times. I knew i wasnt healthy but my ED didnt want me to go to hospital anymore... it wanted me to be declared healthy so that i could begin losing weight and not eating as much.
   My case manager knew this.... she was a really good person and she knew how to help. She told me, if i was so healthy then why couldnt i gain the weight? I can say no when im actually healthy if i had to gain 2-3kg to have more freedom or for example, if my mum told me i wasnt allowed to run unless i gained another 2-3 kg i could do that and not care. But at that time in 2012, having to gain those 2-3 kg to have a healthy weight scared me. But she gave me an ultimatum... either i gain the weight or i go back to day patients. And that gave me a kick to gain the weight..... and then the next few months it was eating, facing fear foods, resting, beginning to truly live life not just follow routines, waiting for my period to come back, feeling healthier and stronger and happier.
   And the day i was declared healthy i felt both physically and mentally healthy. I had to fill in a questionnaire, take blood samples, eat lunch at Mando and talk to the doctor and answer questions and then he declared me healthy.

Of course since then it was an up and down journey and i did have some dips and bad thoughts, but i just kept getting stronger.

However im getting off topic..... As mentiond, doctors can often just look at the physical and think you are healthy. But YOU have to know whether you are healthy or not. Is there a voice in your head controlling you? Then you arent healthy.

You are healthy when you are no longer controlled by a voice in your head, you are free from negative thoughts about your body, food, weight, calories, exercise and such. When your body is healthy and you can be at peace.

So fight for TRUE recovery. Sometimes doctors are wrong and for your own sake DONT trick the doctor. The doctor, family, therapist etc they are trying to help you. If you arent healthy and still struggling, let them know. Get the help you need. Because in all honesty... what good is it lying to them? Its your life, you are wasting your own life.

Helpful posts:

The difference between healthy and free

Half recovered VS. fully recovered

Eating without guilt