My anorexia journey - part 3

When i got back to Sweden i was admitted straight away as an inpatiant, with a BMI of 13. i wasnt even allowed to pack a bag.

I was in a wheelchair if i were to leave the  building for about 3-4 weeks.

My mental state was at an all time low and the first chance i got i overdosed on pills and ended up spending 2 nights in hospital, and had to be drugged on calming pills.

After a few more weeks of inpatiants i got to be a day patiant again.

But after jsut 6 weeks, i was back in again.

The moment i got out of in patiants, the same thing happend, all over again

I wasnt strong enough, I stopped eating.

And i started losing weight,

I was warned that if i didnt shape up and start gaining weight, i'd be back in as an inpatiant again.

I didnt listen, so in  a matter of a week, i lost 5-7kg and was again at a critical state.

and was admitted once again.

I was ar my very worst point. I was in a wheelchair, i had threatned to run away so i wasnt allowed visitors,

my activity was too high so i had a staff with me pretty much all the time.

That was when i decdided, i couldnt do this anymore.

I couldnt be sick.

I coudlnt end my life,

but i decided i would get well enough to be allowed out, and then id buy pills and take enough to actually kill myself.

But slowly i realised, i didnt want to kill myself, i wanted a life. And i didnt want a sick one

Once i realised that. I started fighting, for real.

For my own sake.

Not anyone elses.

Things were tough, it took a while for people to actually realise that i wanted to be healthy, to get well,

and not just so that i could start everything again.

I spent 3 months as an in patiant. before i became a day patient. I started school again and began trying to live my life. However at the start of 2012 i was in this half recovered stage i had a bit of a relapse and began starving and binging and purging. This continued for almost 2 months, as i was very stressed with school. I began losing weight again and was almost admitted back to daypatients (At that time i was only going to Mando once a week or every 2 weeks, but i was threatened about going back full time.)

   I got my act together and realised that i wasnt happy losing wieght. That it wasnt worth it.

I began exercising again and eating healthy. I learnt more about nutrition and health and that really helped me, as i learnt how food works in the body and that i need fuel to live and if i am going to workout. I went against all my ED habits, and fought my fears and faced my fear foods.

   And by autumn 2012 i was healthy physically and mentally.

I am now happy and healthy. And have come out alot stronger.

My anorexia journey - Part 2

You can find part 1 here - 

I promised my mum that i would do better and actually get healthy when i was in Sweden.

When we first got to sweden i had to go to hospital, to get weighed and for the doctors to make sure i was ok, as really it wasnt reccommeded that i fly, due to me being so underweight.

Me and my mum spent 3 days in that hospital where they tried to get me to eat, but i woudnt.

They threatend Tube feeding, and force feeding, thats when my mum decided that we should take contact with the eating clinic, Mando Meter.

We went for a meeting there where i filled in all these papers, i hoped that i would get to be a day patient,

but 2 weeks later i got admitted as an inpatiant.

During the 2 weeks before i was admitted to Mando, i took my chance to not eat and lost the small bit of weight i had gained from tube feeding and even more.

I really dont remember much from that time, i suppose you can read about my journey through my posts, but i really dont reccommed it.:)

I was an inpatiant for 8 weeks before i got to be a day patient.

At first things went well, but soon i got back to my activity problems and i start to throw up,

and then i stopped eating while i was at home. My mum had too much trust in me,

so she wasnt there to support me.

So after 2 months as a day patiant, i had lost enough weight to have to be admitted once again to inpatiants.

I wasnt in the intensive in patients bit, i was down at this hotel bit, where i had my own room and wasnt supervised all the time.

But i wasnt allowed home. However things didnt go so well there,

I didnt  follow my meal plan, and cheated whenever i could.

Because i had my own room i started to throw up and exercise again. And my self harm was worse then ever.

I was in a very bad mental state.

I lied to my case manager telling her that iwasnt doing anything wrong, but i wasnt gaining any weight so i was put on supplement drinks. Which was my worst nightmare.

I spent 2 months as an inpatiant, and then it was christmas and my family wanted to travel back to ireland for christmas and the new year. I had gained enough weight that i was allowed to travel.

But i was in such a bad mental state that i had no intention of doing right.

i saw this as my chance to lose all the unnecessary weight i had gained, serious about leaving Mando the second i got back to Sweden.

The moment we got to Ireland, i did nothing right.

I barely ate anything.

I stood  pretty much all day, and went for plenty of walks.

And i self harmed everyday, leaving my arms and legs bloody and sore.

And the little that i ate came back up again.

Christmas and New years wasnt enjoyable.

There were many arguements, my mum and dad tried to get me to eat, tried to get me to sit down.

But i wouldnt.

My sister ignored me completly.

All christmas i cried, and i froze, and i self harmed and didnt eat.

It was at one of my worst points ever.

My anorexia journey - Part 1

I grew up in Ireland with my family, where i went to school and had friends.

When i was around 11/12, i changed school,  and began at secondary school.

And i think thats when things started to change.

The school was very big which was a shock to me coming from a previously small school.

For our lunch breaks everyone brought there own lunch with them. 

All my life i have been very insecure and had low self esteem and then suddenly in secondary school, i didnt want anyone seeing me eat. 

My problem with food had begun before i started seconday school, hhowever the real problem began and got worse when i stopped eating lunch in school.

I didnt think it was anything wrong, not eating lunch. I was generally very stressed from school, and all the work i had which lead to a decrease in appetite..

My friends wondered why i  didnt eat. I told them i had already eaten (lie) or that i wasnt hungry(lie)

I didnt think there was anything wrong with lying, or anything wrong with not eating.

I got to the point where i didnt feel hungry any more and my friends stopped asking why i didnt eat.

Soon though, i stopped eating breakfast aswell.

I didnt see anything wrong with that either.

It was around this point where i started to exercise more.

I was never super active however i did go for walks, bounce on the trampoline and do yoga (as my mum is a yoga teacher). Though i began exercising even more i started to play sports, go out for walks and runs.

I jsut thought it was healthy.

I played basketball twice a week, and had matches some days aswell. I did physical education twice a week. I went for walks and runs every second dayand i also used our home training bicycle and training ball.

and somedays when i was alone i would do jumping jacks and run up the stairs, even though i was exhausted.

I was oblivious to what i was doing, I thought i was just being healthy.

But i would get very panicked if something interfered with my training, or if i felt so tired, or had too much work that i couldnt go for a walk, or run.

My parents didnt notice anything, they thought it was good that i was getting out and doing more exercise.

 My over exercising continued and got worse the deeper i fell into anorexia.

Some time later i started to throw up, i cant actually remember how i began. At first it was jsut now and again, but then it got more frequent and then i would throw up the very little i ate.

But at this point i would survive on a little dinner and maybe a half granola bar per day which would mostly likely come back up again,

And about 8 cups of black tea, no milk and lots of water.

My eating habits, purging and over exercising had been going on  for about 2 years and i was constantly sick. I had little energy, somedays i couldnt even get out of bed or raise my head from the pillow. I had fallen into depression and self harm and was hiding away from the world and friends.  I didnt have the energy for school, and being at school just made me feel worse. It interfered with my exercising, so i stopped going to school.

As far as i know, my mum didnt suspect anything, i have the illness Cystic Fibrosis, so i blamed my tiredness on that and that was why i got to stay at home.

I was pale and tired and when i wasnt exercising, i was sleeping.

I was always cold, and i had lost most of my friends as i didnt have the energy to keep in contact with them and i was missing so much school.

but at that point i didnt care,

I was depressed and self harming.

Some days i would just lie in my room, on the floor ( i  didnt think i deserved to lie on the bed) and cry.

Not knowing what was going on with me.

I didnt know why i was behaving the way i did. I knew something was wrong with me, but i didnt think i had an eating disorder. I didnt know what was going on.

After sometime, my mum found out. She asked me if i was throwing up, i didnt know what to say.

I started screaming, shouting, crying.saying i was worthless,fat and stupid and i didnt know what i was doing.

My mum immediately drove me to the hospital where i was weighed and the doctors finally saw how much weight i had lost. I was critically underweight and the doctors wanted to submit me to hospital directly.However my mum said no.

So for about 4 weeks I went to a psychiatric doctor where they tried to talk to me. But i was a closed book. Never said anything.

At first i just had to write down what i ate each day for a week.

But considering that what i ate in a week is what someone would eat in a day,

things didnt work out.

My mum was to sit with me after my meals so that i didnt go to the bathroom, but that didnt work so well so finally after losing even more weight i got admitted to a kids psych ward.

I dont remember much form that time.

I was under 24/7 supervision.

I had 6 meals a day but i refused each meal. I barely ate and drank and basically lay in bed for 2 months,

but i kept losing weight so i was then put on a feeding tube.

I was on a feeding tube for about a month where i gained a little weight, but i was severally depressed, and because i was on the feeding tube i didnt eat anything either.

I still found ways to self harm and even though my weight was up, everything else was getting worse.

 I have my documents from that hospital and apparently when i was asked why i was so scared of eating. I replied, I would rather die than be fat. (This coming from a 14 year old girl... which i find very uppsetting :/)

So then my family decided that  we should move to sweden (Where i am currently living) so that i could get better help.

My mum signed me out of that hospital and hte next day we were on a plane to sweden, after 3 months away from my own house, i got to be there for about 6 hours, to then leaving it, and i havent seen that house since.

Progress photos

Its always nerve-wracking to post progress pictures, but i am very proud of my progress... so i guess its nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about.

^^ Top picture - April 2011 - was at one of my worst stages in anorexia

Bottom picture - August 2012 had just been declared healthy - i.e just reached my goal weight.

Top picture - April 2011

Bottom picture - Me a few weeks ago 

Top picture - September/October 2011 (Had just started lifting weights... though had no idea what i was doing)

Bottom picture - Me a few weeks ago, after almost a year of heavy lifting!

^Right picture - Start of 2012 - I was going through my starvation/binge/purge stage of recovery... was really stressed at this time, and still had some demons in my head. 

It was when i was just allowed to start exercising again - allowed to go for 40 minute walks a few times a week.

Left picture - Me a few weeks ago - Lots of heavy lifting. Lots of food. Powerwalks. 

^^^Right picture: christmas 2010...

Left picture: August 2012, had just reached my goal weight.

^^Left picture: 2011

Right picture: Me in summer

Left picture: When i first started working out: Start of 2012 - Only did cardio then

Right picture: Me a few weeks ago - heavy lifting. Lots of food. Little cardio

Right picture: When i started working out: Start of 2012 (still hadnt reached my goal weight.) Only did cardio

Left picture: Me a few days ago.

right picture: Summer 2012 - my goal weight

Left picture: This summer :)

(Same shorts!)

And there you go.... lots and lots of progress pictures :)

Hahah, a little embarrassing i must admit!

Hopefully no hate comments!!!

My time in the psychiatric hospital

To the anonymous person who asked about what it was like when i was in the psychiatric hospital, i am so sorry for the late reply... but here it is:

When i was first admitted to hospital for my eating disorder (had already been hospitalized many times before to a kids unit because of my CF), i was admitted to a kids psychiatric hospital in Ireland. I have been to an adults psychiatric hospital, and i am sure that it is very different to how a kids ward was... but it was still pretty awful.
   I know i have readers who have actually been to that psychiatric hospital that i was at... i think it has helped one or two of them (?) but i am going to write my experience of that place anyway.
   I was there for a little over 2 months, and i was on complete bed rest for the whole time. For the first while, i had someone watch me all the time. I was only allowed to lie in bed... stare at the wall opposite my bed.
  I was very sick while i was there, though not as sick as i have been, but at the time i was at my lowest place. I do not remember much frmo my time there, as the days just blurred into one. My meals were served to me for the first 2 weeks. And i refused to eat anything i was given. I didnt even drink water. And there was nothing they did about it, apart from try to convince me to eat.
   The 2 months i was at the hospital, barely any food passed my lips, and i continued to lose weight.

For the first while that i was there, i did not see any of the other patients. I was not allowed contact with them, and they were not allowed contact with me as i was on bed rest. I was not allowed any computer or phone there, so i had no connection with friends or family. And i only had my mum or dad visit me once or twice a week - as the hospital was a 2 hour drive from my mums place, and an hours drive from my dads place. && I was on restricted visitation.
  Overtime, even though i wasn't gaining weight or geting better. The staff thought it would be good if i would sit in the day room, be with the other patients...t his infact i hated. I would sit in a room full of other teenagers... and it was like i could feel their sideways glances at me. Though of course, i stared at them when they werent looking at me.
  I tried to figure out why they were there... what was wrong with them. Later i found our a few of them were there for suicide attempts, and one of them was there for drug/alcohol abuse, and one of them had been there for 6 years, though i never found out why?
   Later, the staff thought it would be good if i had to eat with another patient(s)... this made everything worse. Then i was on absaloute refusal of food. Just the thought of eating infront of others made me want to hide in my bedroom.
   And then for a while, it was just me and this other patient who had a problem with food as well, and the staff tried to make us eat. Infact, this is soemthing which i laugh at about. Because me and the other patient sat opposite each other, just staring at each other. This situation made it about 150% certain that none of us would eat.
  We picked at the food we were given, sat and tuned out the encouragements from the staff.... and finally, after an hour of trying to make us eat, the staff would give up and we would go back to our bed.
 
While i was on bedrest, there was one patient who would always sneak into my room and just sit and stare at me... or stand outside my bedroom door (the door was always open) and stare at me...
  I found this very unsettling, and whenever i sat in the dayroom he would just stare at me aswell.  This continued for the duration of my stay there. (That made it sound like i was willingly there... liek some sort of resort?)

For 6 weeks i had the room to myself, but then i got a roommate, because the hospital was full.  I was still on bedrest this time, and my room mate came and went as she liked, we did start talking some nights... and found out that she was there for suicide attempts. She had become friends with the other girls who were admitted and some nights they would all sneak into my room and we'd sit and talk... though i mainly just sat silent.
   There was also one night, where all of the girls (me included) snuck into the bathroom, and one of the girls had alcohol with her, and all of the girls drank, not me though.... that was an eventful night!!

After a blur of days... refusal to eat, continuous weightloss, secret training, completely depressed, my family still on restricted visitation, and my CF doctor with an increasing worry about my health as my lung function had dropped to an all time low. I was then moved to the childrens hospital where i had to have tube feeding.
   I was there for 2 weeks before my mum made the choice that changed our lives forever.... she realised that the care i was getting, just wasn't enough. And she saw my wasting away, and didn't see much hope for me. But she never gave up. So she booked tickets to Sweden, where i was going to be admitted to an eating disorder clinic.
   
So..... there is my time at the psychiatric hospital... i really dont know what else to write. But to me, it was awful. Days and nights where i cried and screamed in frustration. I still found ways to self harm and to exercise. I was so caught up in my eating disorder that no amount of help from them would have made me better. It was be almost a year and a half later that i finally hit my rock bottom and realised i wanted to recover.
   A long journey, with a lot of down hills... but eventually it got better.

^^ I was let out from the hospital for my sisters birthday.

^^ While i was in hospital with tube feeding, i was let out for the afternoon for my dads 50th birthday party... i really didnt want to go, as my whole family - people from both england and sweden would be there. And i had to have the tube in my nose & a needle in my hand.

 And i jsut felt awful. Ugly. Fat. Horrible.

Infact, since ive recovered and met some of those people who were at the party (though i dont remember meeting them?) they all start with ..yeah, i remember you had the tube in your nose...

^Yeha, great way to remember me -_-

^Some pictures taken while i was in the hospital

If you have any questions dont be scared to ask. Or if you want to suggest a topic/something you want to read about/me to write about, just let me know :) :)