I want to come home.

I dont want to be here longer. I want to come home. I dont want to eat, i dont want to sit.  dont want to be told to do this, to do that, to not do that and not do that. I jsut want to come home. but i dont want to eat. I dont need to eat. Not 6 times a day and not huge meals and huge snacks. Just like 3 meals .a small breakfast, salad for lunch and soemthign small for dinner... that would do.

   Im just so tired of this. Right after my three snack and i just want to go down to the hotel and be on my own. I havent asked to see if i can. But i know i cant. My fucking supeviosr has said to be that i need to stay up here. Bt i cant. :(

  My legs hurt, my head pounds... i shouldnt be here. Im not thin. Im fine. They're just all mean and stupid and wrong.

  Like i look at all the staff here, and they're all like fat,  im sorry to sya it, but they are. They have like fat hanging on them... and then all the girls here are like stick thin and messing about, not doing thigns right (Yes, i was like that as well... hint why im back in the hotel) but i mean im doing eveyrhting right... andi still feel sick in my stomach, but i dont cry or complain or do anythign wrong.

  I shouldn be here,

Like i eat more than everybody here. I do, jsut cus of my Fucking CF. I've calculated its around 5500 - 5800 calories a day, including the erngy drink. :(

  I hate it..... like why do i eat more than everybody? its only fta people who would eat as much as i do. :(

Im upset. I need some cheering up. But theres nobody.... no ones ocming to visit. so im jsut gonna be here all day. just sitting and eating... i seriously hate eating... i jsut want to stop with it. I dont even enjoy it... i mean.... i could have... maybe... but now.. abaoutly NO.

What a Haloween -

Happy Haloween everybody, hope your is better than mine.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqgtxDt_71M&feature=related

^^^Sick Puppies - Killing myself for christmas ^^ the title jsut hit me, its perfect for me.

Happy Haloween!

Its Haloween.... :) Great.... kdis are gettting ready to go trick ro treating or go partying... ready for a major pig out! Me.... trying to find a way to not eat... haha... like i'll get away with it :) No... i jsut want to get out of here and that means eating.
  So yesterday the clocks went back.... and my Damn fone didnt do it on its own so i woke up at .... 6am i think., no 5.30am but then i put my alarm on sleep for half an hour... and i was seriously tired yesterday but i stil ldidnt get to sleep until 12am(pm???) but im not actully tired. I think frmo all tat ie at im gettin energy from that.. cus in all honesty,  im not sleeping so well.. but im not like tired... wll i am but i cant sleep.

Today absaloutly no plans. No ones coming to visit. Nice....  But i'll survive. Tomorrows Monday so back to the Dya patian area.. i most prob get weighted tomorow, hopefuly my wieght is up... and they'll see...  dont actually need to be here for two weeks.... Big dreams... big dreams!! :)

Thats it for now... :)

God its silent. :(

So silent here. Im the only one sitting here with the staff... this is gonna kill me. Im not good with boredom... do ou think they'll notice if i sneak down to the hotel? I think i might do that, jsut to get out of this awful silence. I mean downstiars i would be all on my own, but thats almost a nice thing. I could put the TV on. Huurgghh.. i jsut want to get out. Im so bored.... :( I dont think im having any visitors today either...great.... oh... and Haloween night = me sitting alone don in the hotel watching a film.... no sweets either (Haha, im not missing out though!!)
  But really i dont mind. BY the time im down in hte hotel its just nice to be on my own, like i dont want visitors ten anyway.
  Its nicer to have visiors during hte day, cus then later i can jsut be on my own and watch a film.. :)

Hmm.... God... i miss my life. I want to just get out of here, so badly. Its awful.  I want my goal weight (50KG, for now anyway [Maybe they'lll lower it? :):) ])

Last year Haloween i was invited to a party whic there was suppsoed to be like 5/6 of us girls, but it was only me who could come. So there was WAY too much of everything. Pizza,fries, ice cream, chocolate, sweets, crisps... it was awfull... i dont think i ate much, just nibbled little bits. My poor friend, what she did in the end with all that food i dont know!! :)
 

 

My Pumpkin

 

  Boo!

 

Chocolate covered apples which nobody ate! :)

Trying to be scary... yeah right ? :)

Who killed Teddy?

Just like a quarter of what we had :)

Bitch ALERT!

So theres like anew staff here, shes like practising, or studying whatever you call it. But obviously she doesnt know how to act, or whats "normal" and whats not. So shes like  real bitch, oh you;re eating too slow, you're doing thi wrong and doing that wrnog. I can ust like feel her watching us and scrutinising us. Its awful. But i supose she's new and ses obviously been todl to watch us like a hawk because we'll try everything. and theyre right, we will try eveyrthing. If its not one, its hte other. Right now im not coutning myself in that, i think im doing everything right. Eating my meals accordignly, sitting down. Only doing the necessary moevments, maybe a tad bit more... maybe.... but not over doing it.
  But that cus i want to get hte hell out of here, become a day patient again. Just be able to live at home again. so im doing things right.
  But yeah... sehs a real bitch. :)

THats  the start of my weekend. Oh, did i say that my mum came yesterday. After dinner. It was nice. But i didnt get ot spend much time with her.
  Then when seh left i watched half of Forest Gump, gonna watch the second half soemtime today !! :)

Wonder if anythign exciting will happen today, lets hope so!

Resultss

Ate on  Wii base today (When you dont know how much food you put on the plate and how quicky or slow you  eat or even how long.)
  Havent done this in AGES... so wasnt so sure how well i'd do. When i plated it up i did it quickly so i would sit there justt loking at it, adding more and taking away. I really have no idea how miuch is right... so i jsut plated it up and hten pressed next not even thinking about it. I hardley even looked at thte plate.But when i was going to eat it suddenly looked like, not enough. (There was no vegetables) it was some type of fish and cooekd potatoes. So i jsut kind of mashed hte  potatoes (then it looekd too much) and suddenly when i began to eat the fish looked like WAY too much.
  Liek i was convincing myself (If i take too much, its alright, its better than taking like 50 gram less... then they wont be impressed.) so i sat there trying to convince myself that eveyrhting was fine, no matter whether i took too much or too little.
 
So my superviosr jsut came and said that my results were really good. and the timing was good (WHAT? i thought i took like 20 minutes) i haevnt seen the sheet so dont know how it looked or how much food i put on. But i suppose  i did good :)

The weekend.

Why do i dread and hate hte weeknd so much? I mean while im at home i know its gonna suck because i know i did wrong, not following the meal plan to 100% and then the whole scandishake business. so i ahted the weekend cus of that reasona dn it usually mean thtta we went out to a cafe adn took somethign there for like my three snack. And yah.. ok i can eat somethign there, like a biscuit or something, but i mean i still cant eat cake, or cream or evena  muffin or cinnamon bun. So like when we go somewhere and that the only thing there, then i freak out.
  But now that im not home, im at Mando im just gonna sit up here, maybe not even getting to go out. so thats gonna suck even worse. But i mean when im back home, im gonna do thigns right, i've made myself agree tot hat. But i suppose its easier said, or thought than done. When im home and hte temptation to cheat is there i dont know if i'll resist or not.  Im going to have to remind myself, its either following he mela plan at home or doing it in HDV, and id take home any day.
  So this weekend im gonna sit upstairs in Mando. Not fun. Im sure every in patient will haev like time out. and i'll sit there, jsut like when mum was away in Ireland for those like 2-3 weeks. I like didnt have anyonet o take me out. But now its more, im not allowd. Unless i take a wheeelchair. I mean, if the in patients are ging somewhere than im allowed ot tag along, hopefuly not in a wheelchair. So im hoping we cna go somewhere, so i can atleast do soemthing
  Cus tomorrow is Saturday, so i think people are ogin to be partying, and my mums oging to go light a candle on her mum and dads grave so i dont think she'll have time to come in. and the same on Sunday. But thats alright. Well not really, but im trying to be positive here.
  It really is going to suck this weekend, i wonder whos working, the staff i mean.

I think im going to haev to download soem good films and maybe have a movie weekend, all by myself?
 I watched "Where the Wild things are" last night, yah it was alright.... kinda crappy ended up jsut doing Sudoku and half watching.
  But i've downloaded SALT and the bounty hunter so i'll find soem time to wath thoose.

And maybe this weekend i can actally get some shcool work done. I think after the midterm, which is next week (so if my wieght is back i'll be back in schoool) we have tests.... Oh shit. I cant be made to do them? Thats jsut unfair... but i cant all behind.

Thats that.. im just blabbering now... i really dont have anything to say :)
  

^^Putting my feet up this weekend! (Yah right, i'll try to do as much little walks as i can!! :) I know me, i cant jsut sit) ^^

Just another day.

So today, first thign wehn i come up to Mando was have my blood taken. Its been a while since they last took blood but definitely not something i've missed.
  Then it was jsut normal, you know stting, eating. Going on the computer.
 But with the food, somethign seems to be going on. They dont haev plumes, they've gotten rid of soem different juice flavours. They're gonna get rid of the nuts (aint got a problem witht hat) and theres other stuff aswell but cant think of it. Its weird, like it kind of eliminates soem of my options.
  That was that.

Then my mum and sister came, but as i had said yesterday mum said that she would speak t my supervisor about maybe changeing. I was suddenly veyr nervous about it, maybe thinking ti was the wrong idea.
  But em and my sister went down to the hotel while mum talked to her. I was feeling more nervous as hte time ticked by. Anyway mum came down adn said that it had gone fine, but my supervisor had said that they dont do chaging. But i could speak to soemone else if i felt i wanted that, so i might do that instead. But she had also said that it was jsut cus she's my supervisor why ididnt get on with her. But i really dont think so, of course its part that.. But i jsut clash with her.
   I cant stand her. Just looking at her pisses me off. But sure, what can i do? Im not planning to be here forever so imgonna have to endure while i am here.
   For my three snack ti was kind fo awkward, cus she was hte staff on. Im sure she didn know what to say, i had basically had my mum go and tell her that i hated her and wanted to change supervisor, yah what an ice breaker way to solve problems :)
   My mum and sister stayed until a bit before dinenr, then they hd to go. I jsut watched soem tv then came up for dinner.
  Now... its waititng time...

Oh, i've also found out that i cant like leave here until my BMI is back to what it was when iwas in school. But seriously how much weight did i lose then? I cant have lsot that much
 

The silence is deafening.

So just enjoyed a nice visit from mum. She came a bit late, 4pm, i wasnt really angry with her, which i would ahev thought i would be. But iw as fine.
  So we went down and she took a cup of tea and some coconut balls. I sat there and spoke, the anger or annoyance more was slwoly creeping up, maing me pissed off with her for no reason. i tried to push it aside, not very well, but i did.
  We then went outside, where i froze so two minutes was enough for me. Then we went back down tot he hotel where we were looking at this HUGE map of Stockholm. That was kinda cool learn little its of stockholm and saw on the map wher we had been, where we had lived. So elarn somethign new anyway!
  Now after dinner, just sitting here in the deafening silence. Its awful. Its just siletn. In all hoensty, i dont know where everybody goes. It goes from eveyrbody being here, it being completly packed, to nobody being around .its crazy. I jsut sit here, on hte internet. But its alright its only for like an hour now... the joy of eating?
   Thats that for now... hoping i get to go out, even though i'll freeze its alot nicer than jsut sitting up here.

Im dreading the wekend. :/

Oh i spoke to mum about the whole situation with my supervisor, mums gonna call omorrow and see. Im dreading saying anythign now, but i find, it has to be done.... but what will be done?

Tomorrow is another day....

Just one of those days.

Today is another one of thoose, I can not take another bite type of days. Foudn ti hard to eat my lunch, half wya through i was full up, but of course pushed that aside, (Ive alreayd eaten two meals today, i shouldnt eb full [Yeah.. right])
  then came my three snack, feel very sick. I think i need a painkiller. I want to have a pack with me, because soem daysi feel so sick, from fullness, punding head ache stomahc killing me that i need a painkiller, but im afraid to ask my mum. She would nevr trust me with a pack fo pain killers, im sure she would be afraid that i´d overdose.
  But i´ve read up on it (Like evrything else) that you need like atleast 3-4 maybe more packs of painkiller sot actually kill yourself, otherwise you´ll jsut eb in extreme pain, maybe get liver or kdiney disease meaning that my kidneys or liver might stop working.
  and then of course i´d haev to admit that i tried to overdose, haev to eb in hospital, and then most prob be put into a mental home, working on my depression as well as my eating disorder, so no thanx.. i´ll pass.
  I wouldnt overdose, i´ve read up, im not planning ot spend extra time in hospital whic is exactly what it owuld be öleading to.
  So yeah.... i dont knwo what to do. Am i even old enough to buy pain killers on my own? dont you need to be like 18? or have i got  that wrong?

My day has been very average-. Nothing has happend. Went into the art room, did a bit of work on my like school journal. Did a bit of maths... did a bit of facebooking.. apart from that... nothing.

Ime xpecting a visit from my mum- Hoping things go better today. Maybe i get to stand up with out ehr getting cros? No im thinking not. Ok, i do admit, its nto normal to stand as much as i do. But my legs get sore, my body is sore frm jstu sitting all day. Liek you have to admit, that isnt normal.
  Maybe i should tyr to loosen up, sit down, but i jsut feel.. i cant. Once im home again i´ll give ti a go. But i need to be able to stand. Otheriwse i will fel ten times fatter if all i do is sit adn eat liek a fat person. Like i know perfectly well im going up in weight, and i´ve accpeted that, theres no way that i can get out of here adn lsoe weight. I´ve thought about it, maybe refusing to eat, thinking that i will actualyl be happy-. But i´ve realised, i wont. I´ll never be happy with this thing in control of me.
  So i do need to get rid of it, so slowly im trying to like my body, accept the fact that im going up in weight, returning to normal (What is that exactly?)
  and soon gonna be able to live my life the way i want to live it.

Yer... my little words of wisdom, or of.. .soemthign anyway!!

xx

Planning

I always need to plan ahead. Before my snack i choose which one im going to have so that when i get there i dont stand there like a baffling fool. Some days it is really hard to choose, they all seem so unappetising. So its easier to choose before hand. But that can backfire when tit turns out that there isnt the type of yoghurt i was going to haev, or i have to change my option because of soem reason.. that always leaves me feelign weird, unprepared, not ready. Its alwasy tough then, i dont know what to do, what to choose.
  Even with what im going to wear, i need to stand infron of my wardrobe for like half an our the night before so i have an idea of what iwant to wear. Like one night i choose to wear a dress the next day, then it turns out that its pising otuside, i still wear hte dress beacause i cant deal with the fact of having to change my mind.
   I think this is part of this thing. its taking control of  me.

I think with pretty much everyting, i need to prepare myself. Like change i hate it, i cant stand it. I get comfortable and then i dont want to change, its too hard.
   I need to prepare myself, to plan ahead so that i know and dont ave to think about it at the time. It never works out well if i haev to think or choose on the spot.

Nothing exciting

Havent writeen today because i havent had anythign to say... what is there apart from all i've done is sat, eaten... rested? Nothing you havent heard before and are getting tired of hearing over and over. But that is my life for now.
  There was soemthign to make my day differeent from al the other. I went to this like forum, or chat thing. There was a dietitian holding it. We just kind of talked about the food pyramid. About carbohydrates, proteins, fats that kind of stuff. I had heard most of it before. But that was something to do anyway. Went to maths as well. :)
 
Then today my mum and sister came to visit me. But as im not allowed to go down to the hotel on my own (For activity reasons. They think i'll go down there and start doing jumping jacks or soemthing. The worst you can expect me to do is stand. I've never really been an over exerciser. Sure i do like to exercise, and i would do it. But i never over exercised.)
  So like i asked the staff here if i could go down and she was like "no. she has to come up and get you." So that kind of pissed me off, s by the time mum came up i was like a real bitch.
  While my mum and sister were here, well.. i jsut kind of stood around liking hte time to be away from everyone and jsut be able to 'stand'. but mum got kind of pissed with me cus i wouldnt sit. but its hard ot jsut sit all day. :(
  it was jsut the last ten minutes before i ahd to go where i wenet to speak to mum and wondered why she had even come. its not like she was making an effort to speak to me and my sister was doing school work. it was just like, i might as well be sitting upstairs for all the good you two are.
   anyway we kind of made up, mum saying the she didnt know what was wrong with me and that she was tired herself... or soemthing liket hat, i really cant remember.
  but then i came like 5 minutes later for dinner. but the bitch staff here was like "God you;re late" .. yeah five mintues, she made it seem like i was half an hour late.
  Whatever fuck her. I wasnt even the last person to finish.

Then like they were on my case, "did you take your medicines?" (my enzymes which i take for eveyr meal) Yes... i actualyl cant get away with not taking them here, i have everyone watching me making sure that i do. Cus ok, once or twice at home i would not ake them... it cant have that big of an effect? Maybe it does... but like msot of the time i cant eb bothered to not take them. Like i jsut tae them with out thinking about it, its an instinct now. Sometimes when i have really guilty thoughts and finding it hard to eat, then while im at home i might skip, but here at Mando, theres no way possible of skiping.

OMG! the staff jsut ist like right behind me, wathcing what im doing. Im never going to get anythign posted. I dont want any staff to know that i right a blog and especially about anorexia, this is like looking into my mind. Get a good insight into what im thinking.

Yerr.. that's about it for now... :/

Another day tomorrow.... the joy of living?

^New years last year (what a different time[ was puking then i think though.])

Dinner with my family!

Be warned there will be alot of random, no good boredom posts coming up... i will lose my followers Haha! :)
  No but i want dinner wiht my family not with a bunch of other girls who dont want to eat or staff that watches us liek hawks... i dont want it. Well i havent had dinner here yet... in a few minutes, im jsut imaginiing hte worst.
  Hmm hmm hmmm.... that was that :)

My legs are actualyl sore fmro sitting all day... is that even possible?

Ohh... you knows whats weird, ok i feel completly sick... eating is the last thing on my mind or what i want to do (gonna push past that) but tomorrow im inda, in a way looking forward to trying the new breakfast we added. like this sour milk thing with ten nuts, raisins a fruit and two digestive biscuits... The biscuits, im not to sure... but the raisins and nuts i want to try! :) Weird huh?

1st day out of 14.

And just been corrected for how im sitting. God help me. I'll need it. God how i hate these staff. Theyre jsut mean.
  what have i gotten myself into?

Urrghhh... just an hour and a half unti lmy next meall... are you kidding me? I want home.. i  miss it so mcuh. I seriosuly feel like crying.
   2 weeks... 2 weeks... 2 weeks..

Met with the dietitian today, added a breakfast and a night snack.... but in all honesty, i dont care. :( i dont want to eat.
  I have a major headache and sore stomach... :(
 

Im getting better nad getting out of here.

I swear to God, im gonna get better and get the hell out of here.
  So for the next two weeks. I'm having all my meal times with staff up at Mando. I basically cant go anywhere, cant leave the building, cant go anywhere with mum.
  So its all gonna suck. :( Gonna be watched liek a hawk.
I really am being punished for going down in weight but it has made me realise, if i dont do things right, then things get worse. and i cant take worse. I need to get better and get out of here. So once im out fo the hotel, i think i will have learned my lesson adn will do everythign right, or im hoping to God that i will anyway.
  One thing which really bothers me is that my supervisor is really expecting emt o try to o wrong at every turn not giving me the slightest bit fo credit, (sure why should she?) so now i haev to do my nebulsier up here. It sucks. Like i dont know why i get all emotional about it, cus i do t anyway. I jsut feel that i dont wnat to involve my CF with anorexia. i want to keep the CF seperate. and also that my supervisor thinks she knows shit about my CF, when infact she doesnt know anything. shes jsut researched on the internet, but let me tell you soemthing, the internet is full of crap. and the only stories you'll find are hte peopl who have CF bad, who are in hospital all the time. Im not like that. My CF is good, my lungs are like 90% of the time good so its nothign to worry about too much. :( Hate it, hate it hate it.
   Err... let me see... am i forgetting anything? Well the hotel room is nice enough. But sure what does it matter/ Im just gonna be sleeping in there.

That is it about now.... really upset. :( I miss my mum already.

Need some exercise.

Yesterday me and mum went ot the technology museum. It was really fun!
  ut there was no busses going there, so we had to like walk int he rian to the museum It wasnt so much fun. and especially not when you cant feel half of your foot, your fingers and your mouth. (Talking was hard!)
  We were there for maybe an hour or two, running about doing all these different things to do! It was good craic, but did get tired at the end.
  so when we were to walk back i was like seriosuly tired, i wast going to say anything, i did want to wlak i jsut didnt know how i would walk as i felt that i would fall. But while we were walking mum was like, "Well you need a bit of exercise." I think she meant it in a way that for two weeks i wont be doing any moving, but to me it sounded kind of like, "Youre getting big. You need to exercise."
  so suddenly i had tapped into my saved energy and i was all go-go-go.

We were gonna have my aunt over for dinner, but she couldnt come. (Is it us, or why arent people coming for dinner? Myabe its me, maybe they fnd it weird to eat round me?)
   For dinner we had Flaffals, mashed potatoes and purple cauliflower!! It was nice! :)

Then it was some last minute packing adn making sure i had everythign ready. Then that was my night. :)

When you notice the dishes arent done, thats wen you'll realise im gone.

It hasnt quite like hit me that im going. Like im packed and accepted the fact that im going, but ti still asht hit me. like afer my three snack im not gonna be able to come home. not going to be able to cook my own dinner (soemtiems) og and haev a shower if im bored. Do what i want (relativly anyway.) Its weird.

  Im seriosuly gonna hate every moment of it. and the weekend s seriosuly gonna suck. :(

  But im gonna haev to suck it up ad ahope that its jsut 2 weeks max, hopeully less!

But i think once mum and my sister realise tha thy are going to have to cook their own food and do the dishes, thats when tye'll realise that im gone, because i've been doin all of tht. I really havent had  a problem with it, its given me soemthign to do.

:(

Hmm.. lets hope that these weeks fly by!

Packing.

Today i havent got anythign planned, i think me and my mum will go to the technology museum, havnt been there since i was like 8 and i loved it then, so we'll see if i find it as amusing!! :)
  Apart from that all i've got to do is pack. Its quite sad, packing stuff fomr my own house. seing how like everythig i won, (well not everything) but msot of what i have fits into one suitcase and a bit more. :(
Any whooo.. im tryign to convince myself that im going to live in a really fancy Hotel, jsut relax, do nothing and be able to eat whatever fancy food i want!! :)
  Thats what im tyrin to convince myself, that it will be like living at the Hilton, haveing eveyrthign served to you! Sounds good right? Well i hope so!! :)
  It'll be like a Spa break without the massages/manicaure/pedicures and cute boys around!! :)

Thats it for now... got ot find something for lunch... hmmm.... :/

^^Yesterday in town!^^

What a night.

God... i could  not sleep last night. It was awful.
  i tossed and turned and then when it was 11.58, i had this awful pain in my stomach and my head was spinning and then i realised, maybe im dieing? i had wished so hard the last day that i was going to die and that i wanted to. i suddenly went all cold, realising how much i didnt want to die. i slowly watched as the clock made its way to 00.00, then i slowly relaxed, but i was way to awake then. so i read, listen to music, thought. it was awful it wasnt until like 2 thta i was asleep. and i woke up loads during the night. then at 7am, i woke up. jsut lay there wondering what to do.
  so now im up and hvaing breakfast. :/ its only 7.45

Thatwas my Good awful night, I also couldnt stop thinking about Mando tomorrow. :( trying to think positive.

Im back to my right mind.. suicide is not an option right now.

So im back to an ok state of mind. I'm not going to kill myself. Im maybe 85% pro life, 15% death/suicide.
  I just cant seem to get rid of that feeling that theres a way out.

My feelings do take over veyr much. They jsut seem to be getting mroe contorl more power over me. SO badly that  i do really plan on killing myself. I even made  list of ways to do it, when to do it and how. I even researched. But really thats just because there is a part of me that oesnt want to kill myself, that just wants to get rid of this evil thing, to start living my life, start modelling, writing a book!! :)
  so i think the researching was jsut a way of post poning it. Which is good! Because after each awful period where this thing has control over my thoughts, and iw anted to kill myself, when i come back to myself i realise how glad i am to be living.
  i do think i should start to worry though. Im not talking to anyone. and i mean the feeling ge stronger each time, next time you never know i might just do it.
   Im not so sure what i'll do. But i think it might be that i amnt eating right. I think once my weight goes up i'll start thinkgin right all the time.
  I know i still self harm (back to my old ways0 but right now thats not something im worrying aut because as long as i have that, its keeping me frmo doing more damage.
  Like there will come a time when i relaise how stupid i amf or doing it, and i'll stop but for now, i cant. I need it. I need a way tog et out the emotions. cus if i cant. Worse thigns will happen.

Right now im feeling positive. Trying to smile. - TRYING, veyr hard.
 

Shopping

Today we didnt reall have anythign planned. but my sister needs a dress for wehn we go to England(if i even get to go?)
  So we headed into town. Did a bit of looking around. Then for three we wen into a cafe, at first i couldnt find anything to eat. nothing looked veyr appetizing, but i saw the look on my mums face so i was just like, "suck it up." so i choose this cocnut cake thing and a chai tea. The coconut cake was veyr filling but it was nice in all honesty. Kinda worried about the calorie content though. :/
  Then we came home. We were gonna have my mums aunt and uncle over for dinner, but they didnt come. So we jsut cooked hte food we had bought anyway, prawns with rice in a cocnut/tomatoe sauce!! Was very nice!! That was my day.  But i jsut keep worrying about Monday. Like seomtiems i think, this is good. Im gonna get the help i need to get out of this patch, to get better. Becase i admit, i was stuck.
   But then i think, Damn. Im going back to in patient, im just gonna sit all day. Like now, just sitting eating for dinner or in the car for half an hour has me wanting to go for an hours run. I like et a pain in my legs from sitting all day, or for jsut half an hour. So its really gonna suck.. Also that i sont know any of the girls in HDV, and they're all stick thin, i mean it. MOs of them are in wheelchairs. :(
  But i couldn really care about getting to know them. Im here to get ebtter, not make friends. (I feel like the girls in Americas Next Top Model [Im here to win, not make friends!!] Well i think i know what its like to be in ANTM house.!! Stick thin girls in a house.)
   And i do so veyr much hate the in patient staff, they're veyr mean. But oh well.  2 weeks, thats all. and after that. My weigh will go up and keep going upso that i can get out of there and get onw tih my life. Lets hope.

And for Haloween, not thati really cared about it. But i think im going to be stuck indoors. My sister was saying that she would take me to a party. But i guess that aint gonna happen. :( Sad\face. Very.

Oh well... what can you do?
  Its my fault, somehow. So i need to get out of this and get out into the real world!!

X

A huge leap backwards.

***edit - im not going to kill myself. I like life to muchc, however shitty it is.***

I dont know what ahs gone wrong or why this has happend. But i am aking a HUGE lap backwards, the wrong way. Im now going ot have to live in the hotel for 2 weeks, on my own. But be up at Mando allday. Im basically an in patient, no, i am.im a HDV patient, its jsut that they hvae no beds there so i haev ot live in the hotel. which i suppose is better in all honesty,
   but im not one fo them. Like. im not. Im a day patient. I should ge to come home eveyrday, see my mum and my sister, no matter how much we fight i still like to see them, i liket o come home. Like im not gonne be ablt to go outside. See the snow.Im going o be cooped up inside.
  Like this is what i had expected and fine... what ever. I sppose i need the help. Apparently my weight has
started to drop.(wtf?) so maybe after the two weeks, if things go right i will hav gone up about 1kg, maybe more. then they might eb more likely to le me go to england, cus right now, theres no way. :(:(
   but my only problem is, having ot be with the in patients. Bitchy i know. But i feel that my time with them is over. and now im gonn have to deal with hte in patian staff aswwelll... i thought i was rid of them? And all that sitting? Urrghh.. no im gonna make it through these two weeks (starting monday) and im gonna gain weight, cus thats hte only way forward. and then get out of there and from then oni know that i'll do everything right at home, otherwise it will be HDv again. and that is NOT happening.
 
Im still upset over it and i dont think that will go away.But one things is bothering me, the like doctor type person was like apparently you havent eben doing things right, cheating. I was like WTF? ok once or twice i havent poured hte drink to the tip of the measruing cup, but what else? Like what else hs everybody been talking abou me, saying behind closed doors to each other? Most probably like, Oh, she doesnt fill the cup to the top, jsut half way. She scrapes food off her plate. she doesnt lick the plate clean. she does evyerhting wrong. Lock her up. Treat her liek shit. Thats whta she deserves.

AHHHHHHHHHHH            i will actualyl crack.

Then when we got home i took a showwer, marking my arms with lots of red scars. and tried to kill myself, nusuccessfully. i dont know how its done. but  guess thats a good thing.
  But ive come to the decisions that im going to kill myself. i find myself smiling when i think of it. OF all this to be over. and don call me selfish, tha im not thinking of others. I mean its my life and my life sucks so iw ant to end it. I would trade my life with someone with cancer, because atleats they want to live. I dont, so why should i? I should give my life ot seomone who wants it.
  Like i can eb the girl who sacrifices herself? so everyones else can see? so you can talk about me. That was the girl who killed herself. You cant b lik her. You have to fight. She gave up. But its alright. Im reayd ot die. I want to give up.
  I feel like by saying this its an attention seeking suicide im planning. But its not. Like i dont want anyone to know that im going o kill myself. Like im not gonna leave a note or anything. You know what... i most probably wont kill myself and then i'll read back on this and be like, on the22/10/10, thats hte day that things went backwards ad i got such suicidal thoughts that i was actualyl goen kill myself.

Ohh... and  i skipepd my 3 snack. I refused to eat it. and then when my mum took it out i threw the plate awya, making it break.and tehen for dinner i refusd to eat what she cooked - vegetarian  cocktail sausages and Gnocci. (This doesnt signale me getting better.)
  i made quron burger and my own gnocci. I know, this isnt good. But i suppose after hte two weeks, my weight will be up and then i'll do thigns right. But im gonna miss it. The freedom. The time between 3pm - 6pm is the worst. like even at home between maybe 4,30 - 5.45 is always so broing. so being at Mando is going ot be worse.... God help me. Seriously. I think i deserve help if anyone.

sorry for mmy writing, i hpoe you can make out what i've written, if anyone even reads this. Why would you? Im jsut a illy girl who writes about her shitty life and complains about all this, like why do you need even more problems? Or listen to me rant?

***edit - im not going to kill myself. I like life to muchc, however shitty it is.***

Friends

I dont know. I was jsut like suddenly, who needs them? I feel my friends in Ireland have forgotten me, like they cant be bothered to keep in contact. But maybe its me, maybe i should be making more effort. Like i dont expect them to eb thinking aboiut em all the time, thats jsut selfish and unresanoble, but i mean an odd SMS or a "herllo" message on Facebook would be veyr much appreciated. It seems like its always me making hte effort with other people-.
  Even in my new school, its me smiling and saying "hi" when i see someone, not hte other way around. So now im jsut like, "Fuck friends.Who needs them. They jsut let you down." Its better to just eb with yourself, then you dont need anyonet o confide to tell or tell stuff to its easier to keep it to yourself.

I dont knowl..... i dont think i ned friends, i dont really care.

Swedens first snowfall!

Woke up to the sight of snow this morning!! It was pretty amazing! But just looking at it made me cold. Not so fun. but it was only 0 degrees, so no the coldest. It was a nice feeling today, that it was friday!! :) and school didnt begin until 10.20!! Next week i think i start 8.30 .... :/
  All the snow makes everythign seem so mcuh more christmassy like i jsut wanted to listen to christmas songs, and its only October, like at the end of November, its acceptable to start lsitening to Christmas songs!

Anyway, befor ei left i ended up dropping the milk, so that spilled all over hte floor. Ooopppss... hehe, not such a greta start.

When i finaslly got outside it was FREEEZZIINGG and haveing to wait for teh public transport.. it was like, i might aswell stand ina f ridge.... actually a fridge would have been warmer. :)
  I couldnt like feel my toes or fingers, not a nice feeling.

School went fine. on the way to Mando the snow had started to melt so it was just like puddles and mush, not so nice and it was still equally cold, but the sun was shining!! :)
  Just after eating lunch, at 1pm... great. Now im jsut waiting until 2pm, when its hte meeting.... aarrggghh what are htey going to say? Nothing good, i  know it. :(

Prepare myself for the worst.

So tomorrow..... urrgghhh tomorrow i haev ametting with the doctor and my sueprvisor, and mums gonna be there. What the plan is for me, my wieght hasnt been going up (WTF>?). so i think my options are like the hotel or HDV. but NO...i am not fucking going back ot HDV or the hotel. I refuse.
  i think they're my options though.

I hope thigns go well tomorrow, i think things are going to be emotional tomrrow, lots of crying.... :(

Urrghh im so nervous. I cant go back ot HDV. I jsut cant. and if i do, i wont be able to go to Englnd, i know it. Im so nervous. i hate it. i hate it. i hate it.

:(

Oh no oh no oh no.

xxxxxxxx

Help me God!

Bake sale!

Tomorow my sister has  a bake sale. so she has two friends over who are gonna help her bake, and me!! ay!! I like to bake, just not eat what i bake!! but it shoudl eb good... i dont think i'll try some, i already toook like a pastery/cake yesterday adn today. :):)

thats it
xx

Its completly sick.

Today on the metro i was looking over some photos on my Ipod and i saw some photos frmo this summer, while i was in sweden before i was admitted to Mando and you know what, it was sick. Because in soem photos, i just look like bone. i dont see it myself, i've never seen it. just a beached whale is what isee when i look at myself.
   but what is almost scary is that, sometimes i wish i could go back to that. that like, i dont find it scary. just weird, a little creepy because i cant see i myself.

.... but i think that if i had a photot, straight on frm when i was ta my worst and cold see it now, i think that would give me the pus i needed to actually WANT to put on weight.

Me and my sister at my dads 50th, while i was in the peadiatrics having NG feeding

 

In sweden, during a sunset. if you look close, you can see httai ave liek no stomahc.. kinda greta but kinda sick

Mid summers.

My back is just.... bone?

                                                        Im a skeleton. this was actually while i was in Mando. a coupel of weeks in.

Just relaxing/

So today was my day ot be home and relax. It was veyr nice. But there was no internet, so kind of boring.
  Just a normal chilled morning. It wasnt until about 1 o clock when me and mum left the house. my mum wanting to go to a shop and change a jacket she had bought.
  so just back home now. we looked in a good few shops.It was nice!! Just being wiht mum, relaxing. :)
 we went out toa  cafe for my three snack. I was planning on picking like alittle biscuit, but i decided, im going to be brave so i picked this pastery with jam in it and a chai tea with steamed milk which apparently ='s chai latte I dont think so. But it was nice.
  I told mum tha i thought i was ready for trying choclate r crisps soon. Not hamburgers or chips or pizza, but choclate or crisps. Not sure when. In all hoensty its easier to say it than eat it. I know im going ot like break down adn refuse when soemone hands me a choclate abr to eat.
  
That was my relaxing little day today!! ;)

Yesterday was... eventful!

So nothigne xciting at Mando. Just the normal. I lef at 12.45 to go to the Cf clinic. so that went well. well.... im now on anti biotics. :/ and i think my weight is 44,9. (with clothes on) i think thats  good wieght!! :) Haha.. maybe a bit less?
  anyway, me and mum went to a small cafe, little place for my three snack and i saw this cookie which i thought had Diam pieces on it, but it turned out that it was peanut, so while i ate i tried to take the peanuts off, htinking mum couldnt see me, well she could. anyway i got pissed off with her and stormed off.
   Then we went to pick up my school photo which hd arrived, did NOT like it. Everyon tels me its good, but i ahte it.
  then i kind of confronted mum and asked her what was wrong, because something was clearly bothering her ,and she just kind of said that she didnt know if i was following my meal plan or not and that she was tired. that she didnt want t watch me liek a hawk and that it was up to me to do things right. that works fine for me.
 When i got home me and my sister had a fight over hte computer, her saying that i never shared it, when infact i do eveyrday. it was just that i waned to go on it.
  anyway i stormed off ot the shower where i started to self harm, i dont know.  and get very suicidal thoughts, I actually opened hte bathroom window and was planning to jump. I jsut wanted to end my life. things just got worse from then on.
  when it came to dinner, i refused to come out. then when i did i dont know... i saw hte food (salmon, hiwhc was greasy and potatoes) i just stormed off, then when i tried plating it up i got even more emotional and just... so i just locked myself in the bathroom and self harmed. After like an hour, my arms red raw, i came out, plugged in music and ate. BUt how much of i i actually ate, that i cant tell you.
  After that i cant really remember what happend. But i told mum that i refused to go to school tomorrow. That i couldnt go. so she said that just for tomorrow i could stay home, relax. So that was good.
  Then it was Greys anatomy which i watched while eating ym night snack. In all hnesty i dont know what happend yesterday, what came over me. but it was awful... like all of those attack things that come over me.

That was yesterday.... in all honesty ALOT more happend, i just cant remember it.

Activity results

So got my results from my time with the acitivty monitor on. And it was... well high. but after closer examination, it wasnt cus i moved too much, infact my moving was normal it was more that i like tighten my muscles or soemthing, or move my leg while i sit that makes the energy expenditure high. so i suppose thats soemthuing i can work on, and now they atleast know that i dont go and start doing jumping jacks. So in maybe two weeks or seomthing im gonna have to have it again, but like while im in school Mando and at Home. Hmmm... i wonder how it will go. If it will be better or? Kinda dreading it.
   Right now the dietitian is speaking to my superviosr, what about i wonder? That makes me nervous.

Today has been ok, nothing special. Tomrrow i come to Mando after breakfast. So thats good. But then im here all day. :(
  There was soemthign which i was going to say/write, but i jsut cant think of it now.

I suppose this wil ldof or now, my 3 snack is in a few minutes, and then its hoem!! Yay! But of course, the 3 snack = second half of scandishkae. Urrrgghh... never goingt og et over it, no matter how much better i get! Maybe i will, maybe some day i´ll see it as a milkshake!! A special treat which i can take without having to worry aboutg aining weigth? Should that be my aim?? Nope, i think not! :) Lol

Im getting better, i swear.

I really think im getting better. I do. My aim is to gain weight every week (no matter how much it hurts inside and goes against everything i stand for!!) and go to England in November for my cousins wedding. The tickets are already booked, but we jsut havent told the staff here. Maybe we should, i´ll tlak to mum about that later.. sometime. I think its bette that they know.
  So im gonna gai weight, get better, go to school. jsut live a normal life. and im gonna fight this ED. cus i´ve had enough of it, its taken like, nearly three years from my life, and thats enough. i want the next like 80 years for me to be in control!!
  and i think for me to jst eb havign these thoughts to really want to get better. that im actually getting better. so thats one step closer to actually getting rid of it. Like sometimes it is a comfort having it, not eating. but its not somethign i can live with, becaus ei do admit, soemtimes i would love to jstu you know get a BIG cup of hot colate, maybe with some ice cream and marshmmellows, but i dont allow myself to. like soemtimes when im ina  shop i´ll see a choclate bar (Marabou) and be like, Damn! I want some. but of cours ie kep it to myself becauyse if we bought it, i wouldnt eat it and if i did i would end up puking/self hamring because of the guilt. sometime  i´ll eat choclate again, i know it!!!

Dont ruin my Buzz!!

So today, Tuesday i dont know. I felt good. I like what i was wearing, my hair was all curly :) i felt good, you know what i mean? Like i thought i had been runnning late, but i was actually early! well early enough to not have to wait AGES for the nnext metro or commuter!! :)
  When i got to school things were fine, tired. :/
Had a french test, got 100% (Woow!) and then it was time to go. when i got down to the shoe area (we take fof our shoes.. weird, right? but nice if you wear heels to school!) i found one shoe. Hmm... i spent like ten minutes trying to find my other one and was thinking about going to find a teacher when i found my other shoe, in a bin - Thanx a bloody much. (stupid brat who did that, like WTF?) first i took it quite personally, and was really upset over it. But then i was like, man up! this could ahev happened to anyone, and seriously... its jstu a shoe adn who ever did it is just a stupid twat who doesnt know any better! Im so much more mature than that, no need to eb brought down by that! So now, im feeling good again! Maybe because i´ve eaten. i find that, when i say i dont eat, meaning that i end up having my snack an hour os os later, im really moody. its weird, i dont really like it. but when im in a mood, it either means, im sick from having etaen to much, or because im hungry... hehe!

Im still feeling good now... wonder how long it will last? the whole day? The whole week? im sure hoping ti will, but soemthign will bring me down, maybe lunch wil lbe horrible or i´ll feel sick or get such guilt thoughts baout hte Scandishake? (Ohh.. did i mention?= yesterday mum went to the pharmacy to take out Scandishake, we thought shed jsut get a box or two... nope, more like 20 boxes!! I swear im gonna get nightmares.. jsut having htem in the house.. tis awful... all that fat?? Urrgghhhh .... atleast, its just one a day. it could be worse!)

Yesterday wasnt tooo exciting, thats why i ddint write. I baked, oat and raisin cookies. They turned out good, or they could have if i didnt burn them. but i still took a bit for my njight snack, and if you dipped themi n tea, they were tasty!! Im gonna try it again some other time.
  Yesterday ti was boiled  eggs and mashed potatoes for dinner. but i felt seriously sick after. i cant eat egg. (told mum that, but she jsut didnt listen)

Thats that. :)

You no longer have control over me.

On the way home today i was like.. You know longer hvae control over me. Im taking over Im the one in control. Im going ot get better and get rid of you, because i dont want you anymore. So from this point on, its me in control, me wanting to eat, me wanting to get better, me wanting my life back. Im going to get better. Its no longer you. Its me in control, me leading my life.

Boredom eating.

So today when i was left alone, even though i had had my snack. because i had nothing better to do and was dead bored, i felt rather hungry. It was weird, i had jsut eaten nad before i had eaten if elt sick. Like i was wondering if i should skip? but i didnt as i've made up my mind that im doing everything right frmo now on.
  But hte only thing that kept me from snacking was that i was like, "i haev my meal plan and im sticking to that. not taking anymore than necessary." like i had picked up the biscuit packet and was like, one cant hurt? err.. what ad gottne into me?
  i then remembered how i had been before. when i didnt eat anything, or only little bits. like i would take my two corn flakes out of the box and be like, this cant hurt me, because i was starving, it most probably had been Hours since i last ate. but then i got such guiilty thoughts that i would go puke, even though i had jsut had two flakes. and then it would burn like hell trying to jsut puke acid and bile... ewww...ewwww...ewww... but thats the way it was.
  or i would take a couple of crumbs off bread, or a bite of an apple jsu somethign really small adn then i wold feel like i had binged and i'd feel so bad. Its really quite awful thinking about it now. how strong of a grip it had on me. sometimes i get scared though when i realise that i eat six big meals a day, when before i didnt ea liek anythign, somedays i wish i could go back to that, thoose are ht really tough days, the ones that are hte worst. but i jstu ahve to try to get through that rough patch and remember that it will get better!
 
:) That was about it for what i had to say!!:)


 

Quiet Sunday.

Today has been quite relaxed. Havent done too much. I was planning on studying and going to the library, didnt wuite work out that way. got about 15 minutes of studying in. :) hehe, i couldnt be bothered, i need a good internet site and some good 'ol library boks to get the job done!
   after lunch (battered cod fillets with grilled poatoes slices) we went to a nature park where we went for a little walk!! It was quite nice, but i wondered how it will affect the activity monitor tomorrow!! [Oh - Uh!]
  After that we went in seacrh of Press Byran, a new agent where they have a good deal on magazines. But unfortunatly we couldnt find hte right magazines, tomorrow i suppose!! :)
  Then we came home. My sister headed out for the gym and my mum to church so i was left all on my own! Went on the compter for like 2 hours!! [No blogging though!! :O]
 Then i had a shower, where i made veyr important life choices, like - im going to get better, im going to gain weight every week. im going to go to school eveyrday,[even though i hate it] im gonna make friends in school, im gonna get good grades. im gonna start modelling and make a good career out of it, but not get distracted from my studying. - Very important life decisions are always made in the shower!! :)

Then i cooked dinner, as it was my sisters turn to cook but she wanted pizza (yay! i got to cook!) so i made pasta (WHAT? i had vowed that i wouldnt have it a it had so much caloreis, guess that something has changed!! :):)

:) tomorrow its Mando, but dont need to be there until my 10 snack!! get to have breakfast at home!! Yes! (thanks ot my mummy!) so dont need ot get up at the crack of dawn (6am!)

Calorie counting!

I remeber back whe i was an in patient in Mando, and i spent a whole day calculating how many calories in each meal i had!!

  Haha, i was like, 4 prunes, how many calories? teaspoon of marmalade? Haha, it makes me laugh now. but i spent a whole day calculating how much everything came to!! How did i get awya with it?

  but now if soemone where to ask me how much a calories in a  tea spoon of butter - 70 calories, an apple 80. I pretty much know it all, and if i dont, i check it up!!
  Funny, i still count calories, but i like now how much i haev for each meal so im not that bothered, like theres nothing ican do about it anyway.

  sometimes for dinenr i suppse i try to fgure out, but its so hard for dinner and lunch for the snacks its easier!!

Yah just thought i'd inform you about that!! It makes me laugh that i actually was that motivated htat i spent a whole dya, maybe i'll become a dietitian?? :)

Haha

Out in the country!

So a 12 o clock, after studying we took the car out to the country, where out aunt and her guy had a little cottage!! It was like 1.30pm by the time we were there. then we got shown around, it was really nice the cottage, big with lots of windows!!
  It suddenly got veyr cold outside, like 6 degrees. we then grilled soem burgers .. (huge big meaty ones. gross, gross, gross [but i felt that i couldnt complain, it would be rude. so kept it in me.]) and egetarian ones for my sister nad mum.
  it was about 2.30 byt he time we ate. and then as there was no carbs, i had to take like all burger, apart from sauce and salad. but i just did a bit of my own thing, took some vegetarian burger, and the meat burger and then took some ketchup adn mustard.
  then after lunch, which took me a while to eat! I then went insid as i was cold, and then later the rest came in and they took sme coffee and choclate balls. :)
  I skipped.
Then on the way home, 5pm,  i took a couple of sweets as my 3 snack.

We were home by 7.30 or seomthing. I was tired and cold by then. :)
It was dinner then... for me anyway. my mum and sister skipped... hmmm. so it was Pitt i pann then. :/ Hmmm...

Then it was a shower time. Then my last snac of the day and hte second part of my scandishake. Im VERY full now. and tired of sitting all day. All i've done is sit. :(
  Thats it for now, had a good day anywy!!

Another Saturday morning.

This morning i got a little bit cranky!! :)
  was talking ot mum or crying, cant rememebr over what but then mum was like, "I dont think the reason you;re not going up in weight is because you over exercise, but because you dont follow your meal plan." i had told her that i dont cheat, but she obviously didnt believe that. Why should she?
  Ok, in all honesty i have followed it 100%everyday, but say,70 - 80% of hte time i have. But i suppose that 20-30% actually makes a difference. Its more like, saying chooseing a low fat yoghurt, or not taking a full deciliter when it comes to weight up, or maybe skipin a fruit. But thats it, nothing t major. But it seriously isnt easy. Its hard haveing eveyrthing inside you screaming at you to not do it right. to not eat, i ts hard to ignore it.
  but i think i've done a good job of it.
Anyway i got pissed off and took teh activity monitor off for like n hour. In that hour i took a shower and did the dishes from yesterday.
  Now i've ust been studying.:(It seems like i have so much to od in so little time.

Mum has said that i cant model.Because evyrone would say that right now isnt a good time, no one would let me. Fine iagree with them. But it just sucks, ebacuse soemone spotted me, it was them wanting me. not me going searching for them. so now to be told that i cant. Its just like, thanx fucking much. the one thing that i've always wanted, its half been given to me and then jsut been pulled back, so that i can see it, but cant have it. :(
  but that has nearly made me want to really fight. Like i dont want to go up in weight, beacuse the ma obviously didnt think i was too thin, as eveyrone else says.  if he did he wouldnt have come up to us. Now that thats in my mind, its like, "Oh, they wont want me when im bigger." But becase i've been told that i cant do it until im better (God knows when that is) i wan to get better, but then again not. its like because ive been told i cant, im jsut like well fuck like. whats the point? im not going to get better, i dont want to get better. os i dont care.


Its hard, i cant make up my mind wether i want to get better or not. Right now, i actualyl dont. I want to stay the way lose more weight. be thinner.


Urrgghhh ijsut want to scream!!

My horoscope!!

Your Daily Horoscope

You should be looking especially attractive today and glowing with robust health, Sagittarius. You're apt to feel warm and loving, particularly toward small animals. If you've considered adopting a pet, this is a good day to do it. Business, work, and money matters continue to go well. You should be in a pretty good space. This frame of mind should last you a long time.

Hehe... from facebook.. but looks promising, doesnt it?

Dinner Party

We have invited oen of my mums friends over for dinner. So gonn make fish burgers and rice and then im gonna bake apple and honey muffins!!

----------------------------------------

Our guest is here now!! Just after dinner. the fish burgers were slightly burnt, but still tasted good!!
  They're now having dessert, my muffins, dont know what they think of them and some Ben and Jerrys Ice cream!! Hmmm.. im wondering if i should take some for my night snack??? im trying to make up my mind.

But thats about it for now.

Tomorrow i think we're going out to the land to visit my aunt and her guy. Have lunch with them or something :) Thats about it!!

Gotta go sit down adn watch the others eat now.... JOY.

Meeting

Went to a meeitng in school. It was jsut going over what the plan was going to be. How long i was going to be in school for, what days i go and stuff like that and when i'd start taking lunch there.
  But my supervisor was there. Just seeing her face ruined my good mood. :( Hate her, hate her, hate her.

Anyway the meeting went fine. I think im gonna haev to start taking my snack there, because i ahd been taking it on the way, because it was easier, and otherwise id miss hte commuter.
  so that kind of sucks. but next week on wednesday and Monday when i come to Mando for hte day im gonna haev breakfast at home, and then be there for my ten snack, so thats good.
  My mum had asked for my meal plan, how did i know that she hadnt gotten one. BUt its like thanx alot, you obv. dont trust tha im doing it right. and she did seem surprised but what i ahd. But we had recently added ot my meal plan and to my meals. But i dont think she trusted that i had been doing right.
  then i got the activity meter. :( urrgghhh put it on now. Its annoying. :( it jsut sits there but tis just like... damn... what if it shows tat ido LOADS of activity?

But yeah i was pretty pissed off when we left, i was just like i hate my supervisor, i mean it. I have to change, this cant carry on this way/

Maybe wishes do come true.

School today, but not until 10.20, so ws planning on geting up at 8 but got up earlier. Then i jsut took my time, had a shower and got ready and that.
  Then i headed to school where it was science and religion. That went well, nothing to diffucult!  :
Then mum picked me up adn we were gonna haev lunch she wondered if iw anted to go out and eat, i did. But she was thinking Ikea... hmmm... im kind of getting sick of it now. But Good iam i glad that we went there!
 So after eating, chicken fillet and pasta we headed back tot he car. But on the way we got stopped. By a model scout!! Ahhhh :) (im jsut smiling thinking about it) [Ive always wanted to do modelling and always hopped to get some jobs!!! Wished upon a star for it!!]
  Anyway he said that he had seen me and thought that i had potential! (Ahh!) and he was talking to mum saying that he was from a model agency that was part of Elite modelling agencies and that he thought he could set me up... or soemthing like that. I was just trying to keep a straigh face. He wanted mums details to contact her, like an eamil address, but she sad that she would contact him. But that made it seem kind of fishy as if he jsut wanted her details, but afterwards mum said that he actually could be real!!! shes gonna checkup, just to make sure!!! Ahhhh :) A-MA-ZING!!!

then we went food shopping... and then we went to a 500 pieces sweet shop!! Hehe, this week i have to trian one atin sweets, weird right?
  It was cool being in the shop though... all the sweets. so i choose a few and had for my three snack!! :)

Maybe things are looking up?

I want my life back-

I jsut realised how much i miss my life. I want it back. Like why did this have to happen to me´? (I know im not the only one who ahs tp  abttle with an eating disorder and im not gonna  be the last.) but its jsut unfair.
  I want to be able to go buy a choclate, go out and fika with ym friends. Got o McDonalds and get a burger. Dont mind pigging out while having a movie marathon with friends. Forget wieght. Not care what i look like.(body wise)
  Get a guy to date me. :):):):):)

I miss it all. I jsut want my life back to jsut get rid of this. BUt the thing is that i still dont fel i have a problem i jsut feel that if eveyrone would leave me alone, i would get on with my life and eveyrthing would be fine.

Like what i really want, is a week off. Have you ever had that sometimes school is just to much. that you´re gonna flip if you go another day, adn then you get a day off. Just to cool down, take a day to relax? Well i´ve had those days before once or twice. When i felt that eveyrthign was too much and i just needed a day, then of course i would haev studied a bit, the important subjects, just in case. But thats what i want. But a week.
  I want a week of jsut ebing home, geting up to some stuff, but then of course, just liek i would have studied so i didnt fall behind, i would eat so i dont fall ebind, so i keep up. I dont know how well it would actualyl work and i know its nott gonna happen. Cus even when we get a rbeak for Haloween, im pretty sure that im gonna hvae to come to Mando. :( So no break for me.
  Like my whole summer has been hospitals. Its awful to think of it, but this year i actualyl didnt get a summer break.

If i wish hard enough, do you think it will come true?

All too much

Today after school, science.  jsut felt like everythign is all too much. My school isnt so much for homework, more like prjects that all seem to have to be done at the same time. And i know, you´d think, being at Mando gives me loads of time to work on the projects, but it really doesnt. Some internet stuff i do get done, but not eveyrthing adn its jsut taking its toll on me, Becuase half of it, i dont  understand. Like the teachers arent explaining to me what i haev to do, even though i  ask. So i feel like im falling behind and eveyrthing is geting to much for me. ´But im not gonant ell my supervisor that, becaus ei dont want to be here all day everyday.  Not that schools any better in all hoensty, school really does suck. Im feeling seriously home sick. I miss ireland. i miss my friends. I miss my dad. My dog. My house. My room. My life.

Urrghhh each day jsut feels ahrder than the last.

Letting my anger out.

My three snack was extremely hard today. I actually felt like puking. No, not like puking, more like full. Like i actually could not take another bite. But i forced it down. The staff who was eating with us she saw that something was wrong that i was finding it hard. But i was actually wondering if i should stand up and jsut leave. It would be my choice to not eat. Not that they can do anything about it. But i was too scared. I was scared of getting in trouble. Thats the only things that stopped me from getting up and walking away, not finishing my meal. I get veyr insecure when i get told off and if soemone tells me off, i instinctively hate them, i know i shouldn't, but its just the way i am. and i find it very hard ot get in trouble, because when i do i take it personally and cant stop thinking about it.

  Anyway, when i got home iw as pissed off, had a pain in my stomach major headache. So i just hopped in the shower and then.. then i jsut avoided my mum. like she tried to talk to me, find out what as wrong, but i ignored her. and then when it came ot dinner i was gonna make fish Pitt i pann. but mum said no, that it was her who was gonna cook. Anyway we started arguing. I stormed to my room. would have left the house if i hdnt been in my PJs.

  then when dinner was ready i refused to come, so mum came and talked to me and hten she was like, if you dont eat, i wont. then you can see what its like. or seomthing along the lines of that. but i was jsut like, fine dont eat. not like we actually need to eat. then you might have an understanding of what its like for me.

  anyway, then i came out, like an hour later. Mum had cooked mince (vegetarian) and potatoes. didnt want it, so put the Pitt i pann on for me. Then i sat down and ate. I knew mum was crying in the next room. But i jsut cant take it. I cant think abbout her, i cant deal with someone elses problems.Like i jsut want mine to end. Like i just finished a book about this girl who killed herself, and you know what... i want that. she was so upset and she felt her only option, way otu was to end it all and thats what i want. i want an easy way out, and im not scared of death. death is death, everyone dies sometime, why not choose when and how?

  Some might say im depressed, but really i amnt. Im still going about my day,still living when really, thats hte last thing i want.

Tears the colour of darkness.

I just wantt to cry. Its awful im sitting here trying to keep my tears in.
  Just talked ot my supervisor and she says on friday im going to have ot get an acivity monitor adn have it on until Monday. :( My mum is gonna freak. Im jsut gonna have to sit at home all weekend. :(
  and she think im depressed because there's nothing im looking forward to, thats just the way it is. Gronalund, the theme park which i wanted to go to is clsoed for this year, theres no chance that my dog is going to be flown over. i dont have any friends. Theres no hobby i have. so theres nothing which im looking forward ot, i would love to fly soemwhere, somewhere exoctic, but that costs money.
  In November i am going to England though, for my cousins wedding, but if things dont go right the staff at Mando can tell met hat i cant go, so even though im working, doing my best everyone still doubts me and wants to put a stupid monitor on me.
   and i thought i was getting better. :(

I would seriously be self harming if i could rihgt now because eveyrthign sucks. Why even continue with life if it just sucks. Its my life, if i want to end it? why cant i?
  i dont think its selfish, i've been todl that if i kill myself that im being selfish, but its my life i should get to do what i wnat with it, and what i want is to end my life.

I've actually thought of a new way of killing yourself, an easy way.
  Taking sleeping pills, and then hop in the bath. Die in your sleep.

Miscalculations.

Today for breakfast i had porridge, but it jsut seemed like more. i said it tot he staff but she was like no, they cant do that they have to haev the same portion. BUt iit jsut felt like more it was harder to eat.
  and then for lunch the vegetables seemed like less, it seemed like i had less vegetables than normal. It feels like evyrething is jsut off... nothign seems right.
  when i pour my drink it looks like more, when i weight up the food it lookslike more??? What is going on?

It makes everything so much harder to eat when you dont trust even wehn your using a measuring cup to meausre up???

And even in the kitchen theres only one kitchen staff which i can trust does the scandishake right, with the others i get all nervouse and dont want ot drink it. Not that i want to drink it anyway, but its almost like i can trust her that hse does it right....
  my trsut seems to be veyr down, it feels like everyone around em is tryign to trick me, fool me into taking more food that what i should.... :(

The thoughts come rushing in when im most vulnerable.

At Mando today. :( Sucks.

Yesterday while i was having my three snack, i looked around at all the other girls and it jsut hit me, "We're sitting here eating,, not because we're hungry, not because we want to, not because we're enjoying it. But because everyone is telling us." There is a huge dfference between those things, sitting there eating your already organised meal to sitting there eating and enjoying it.
  And also, we're sitting there gaining weight. What we eat is making us fatter, bigger. its weird, like when eveyrone else they dont worry about going up in weight, knowing tat once your weight is stable it takes alot to go up in weight or even go down in weight. but for us, we know that what we eat is actually makeing us go up.
 and it was awful jsut sitting there thinking those thoughts.
   But also this mornign i realised that i dont really know my weight, not in figures. Like i can see myself in mirrors, and i hate it. I want to lose wieght because all i see is a big belly, huge thighs a huge ass. small breasts. :( All things which i hate. Like when you hear people saying that they hate it when they can see soemones ribs, but i like it. Thats what i want.  i want to be able to see my ribs standing out. like i can faintly see them, and sometimes i drag in ym stomach, and it looks so much better. :(
   But like im not thinking fo weight in figures. like i still want to be 40KG, but im not thinking like that anymore about the figures.
  im more thinking about my body shape.

 

Would i be better off dead?

Today has been weird. I woke up this morning feeling great, had breakfast.. porridge, finally figuring out how its done. I was feeling really positive about eveyrthing. Then i  headed ot school where i had french, did a little test. i got MVG. which is like an A. so i was  happy. Then it was time for Mando. On the way, before i got the commuter i bought my ten snack.
  then for lunch i had forgotten my Scandishake,  and then my supervisor came and was like, "arent you supposed ot have the scandishake?" and then i went out to get it. but i dont know, it might have been the fact that i had realised that i could ahev gotten away with not taking it. BUt afterwards i had serious guilty thoughts. I was actually crying while i was resting. :(

  Then after i had stopped crying and the guilty thoughts had gone away i went and had maths. nothing special there. then it was the 3 snack. and ofcourse, the other half of the scandishake. :( I knew i had ot take it so it wasnt such a big thing and i jsut had ot get through with it.
  Then i went home.
But i dont know while i was on the tram i started thinking about suicide, it jsut happend. and thhe thing which was awful was that while i stood there waiting for the metro i was transfixed, when i saw a metro come, i couldnt stop myself from thinkign about jumping. Just ending my life like that. It would be easy. and i dont know how long i stood there jsut staring at the tracks, but i sure most have looked weird.
  then when my metro came i got on and jsut put my music on loud trying to drown out the thoughts.

While i was at home, didnt do much. Cooked dinner. noodles and prawns. but it turned out a mess and now the kitchen stinks of fish. eeuuurrggghhh....

My mood has jsut been up and down going from great, positive ot down right mad. Buti find that everytime i see a train whoosh by, i watch. thinking and wondering if it would be painful to jstu jump infront ot it.

guilt, guilt and more guilt.

I hate it. Its jsut after lunch, right after having my first half of the scandishake. I hate it. I hate taking it. Its awful. :( i dont see why i need it. :( I hate everything.  they´re jsut fatty and horrible, i  tink im gonna write a leter of complaint ot the person who made Scandishake. They´re stupid. and unneccesary. It is jsut like drinking fat. Its horrible and awful. I jsut feell like crying now. :( I dont want to take them... they´re not making me better or healthy, they´re making em fat. Just what everybody wants isnt it? To make me fat jsut ebcause they´re jealous that their bodies are so BIG, they want to do that to me to.

If eveyrone would just  leave me alone, id be fine.

Depression.

I dont know what it is... do i give off a vibe of depression? what is it?
  While i was talking to my supervisor she was like, You seem upset. not happy. as if your depressed. i swear she was going to put me on anti-deppressants right there nad then, just because i wanst smiling, having the crack when i had jsut been told that i could be put back in inpatient, or have a monitor put on me. ?? Ya would you smile at that? No, because then you actually would need to be in a mental home.
  But seriously, ok... i dont smile, i dont laugh that much, but thats not exactly depression. :(

One thing though, she did ask if i found things fun. If there was something fun i liekd doing or would want to do.

I could not think of one single thing.  i couldnt think of anything fun i liked, all that crossed my mind was, i have no friends. i dont like school. i hate my life. i dont want to live my life.

Maybe its best that my supervisor doesnt know about my new scars (maybe a week old?)

Start of a brand new week, a shitty week.

So came to Mando, my supervisor wa back. Did i tell you that i had had a new one, my dietitan infact. She was really nice, i prefer her to my supervisor who i had before and have now. :(
  So shes back.
I had breakfast, and then my ten snack. and then my supervisor wanted to speak to e, but not before weighing me. I was praying that i hadnt gone down... then it would be trouble. But its trouble anyway. I dont know what my weight is, if it went down or stayed the same or what.... but things are going the right way.
  Apparently for like hte 6 weeks or something like that which i've been day patient, i've hardly gone up at all. Well i do more walking, i have to get to Mando somehow.
  AAnyway... my options now are.... to live down in the hotel (after all my complaining of moving out, heres my option. [ but i feel... i want to live at home. i wnt to live with my mum. i spent so much time away from her in the irish hospital and Mando here and then when she went back to Ireland, i know i dont give her enough respect or show her how much i love her. I understand that.] or have an activity monitor. You have it on for three days, and it can detect every single movement, when you stand up, sit down. Moving your hand when you talk... i dont want one. I cant have one. and if thoose two dont work, then its back to HDV, an in patient, which i refuse...  i shall not be an in patient again. I have dealt with that, my time with that is over.. no more.
  and then of course theres hte raising of my meal plan, but they need to make sure that i follow it precisly before, just in case.
  Urrggghhh... i was jsut like crying. but i was also unresponsive, because i dont like my supervisor, i cant speak to her. but with the other supervisor i had, the dietitain, i could speak to her, seh was nice.
   I dont know whats going to happen next, or what i'll do. Maybe i should try running away. ???? it might work, run from all my problems, just leave them all behind... but i get a feeling that this problem is jsut seomthign that will always follow with me. not something i can run from.

I have a feeling that this week will be very shitty. I hate it. :( Very sad. How i'll tell my mum, i dont know. cus shes gonna find out. :(

Doing the right thing is hard.

Just after having dinner, home made fish burgers, made by myself!! Were nice. and then rice with that. and also..... the dreaded second half of the Scandishake. Im having serious guilty thoughts. i  very much want to get rid of hte food in my belly.
  By the way.... to my sister.... stop fucking reading my blog. I dont wnat you to read it.

I hate it... i think i might stop writing here.. I DONT want family members reading my blog. I write this blog so i can write out my emotions, and tell the other who read this blog that this isnt just fun and games... that its fucking hard. and its a fucking rollacoaster which doesnt seem to be ending. but then if family members read this blog, its lik there invading my personal space,as if they're reading my diary. if its people i dont know...idont mind.

Urrrggghhh Mandao tomorrow... thats my day. I dont know what my weight willl be like, if i've gone up (which this morning i was hoping i would, but now.... no not really.) or gone down (which  eveyr part of me is screaming for, but theres a little part, just a tiny squeaky little voice hidden deep inside my brain saying, its not worth it to go down, you know the consequences.)


Thats that.

**pictures dont seem to be able to load.:(**

Stroll through memory lane.

Today i went back to my childhood neighbourhood. It was weird, i just strolled around, going to the park where me and my sister and our bes friendss (sisters also, and our neighbours) would go and play, and our nursery, and          to our apartment. while i walked it was as if i wanted to feel something, like when you see in films and people go back to where they were born or seomthign adn they get all upset, or like you see them reminiscing their memories, for me, it wasnt quite like that. Like memories came back to me, but it was nothing special. It was still nice to go.
  now im home, just. gonna take my three snack then got to find somethign to entertain myself with. NOt sure what though.... :/