Tuesday and a progress picture!

Hello!!

Trying to gather my thoughts and put words to them.... where to start?
Well, i had an awesome workout after breakfast and even if i had planned the timing of everything, somehow, somewhere it went wrong.. haha Though thats life. So i didnt go to school early and didnt get any work done like i had planned, though some emails got answered anyway!
  Lots of school work done today and i felt the stress of my assignments building up. Its strange, i have done pretty much all the research needed for several of my assignments, and all i need to do is gather my thoughts and put it all together for my first draft. And im feeling stressed, like i havent done enough... yet 90% of the class havent even started... and wont start until the week its due.
  Its strange that. Im doing more than enough, i know that logically. Yet, the irrational, perfectionist side of my brain that takes full control when i have alot going on... that keeps telling me im not doing enough. That more can be done.

Due to an extra thing in school today - which was mandatory, i ended later than i thought. But there is no point in complaining, thats how it is with school.
  When i came home i got the weirdest cravings for halloumi. Im not a cheese type of person, and only eat halloumi now and again. Though i do like it, so really i should eat it more often. And i relearnt my love for it today as well! Half a package halloumi fried in oil & quark with nuts and seeds. A delicious snack :)

Since then little bits of school work, series watching, making dinner, eating dinner, talking with family etc have been done!
  And now im about to eat my night snack and put on a series or something... though i feel i need some inspiration with series ideas :) Please comment if you have any :)


I also put together a little progress picture - from when i first began strength training (sometime 2012) to now, 2 years later. Sometimes it feels like i make no progress, but then when i make collages like this i realise i have come far :) :) It gives me even more motivation :) And i think its something like 6-8kg difference in the photos :)

How to be normal/eat normal?

How to eat normally?

This is a question which is very hard to answer. I have posts about intuitive eating which you can read here:

10 principles of intuitive eating **' Good post to read :)
Intuitive eating
Hunger and fullness
How to know if you have eaten enough


But otherwise, normal eating... its different from person to person. Some people are constantly on a diet or yoyo dieting. Others seem to have weird eating habits or being a very picky eater... but dont have an eating disorder. Others have allergies and intolerance's to certain foods. Some people like some food whilst others dont.... so everyone is different. Also the amount people need to eat.
  Some people can eat McDonalds everyday and eat lots of other things but dont gain weight at all, for others... eating chocolate too often leads to weight gain. That is all about DNA, genes, metabolism, body type, lifestyle etc so copying someone elses eating isnt the answer.
  You need to find what works for you.

This however brings me to my actual topic of this post... Spending time with friends and family and going out to eat with others is a good way of seeing how normal eating is. (As long as these people dont suffer with an ED or are on a diet). But then you can see... people order different things. They eat, they enjoy it. They should - hopefully-  not feel guilty about what they just ate.
  If you were to spend a whole day with people, or if you were to analyze how your friends and family eat you would see that some people eat little in the morning but eat a huge dinner and then eat things like chocolate and ice cream in the evenings. Others eat lots in the morning and for lunch and less in the evenings. Some people continuously snack throughout the day... some go and take handfuls of food as they pass the cabinets. Others are very structured with their eating and only eat 3 or 4 times a day... others eat 6-8 small meals per day.
 I.e everyone is different.

But seeing the careless, the free way of eating which normal and healthy people have can be very good for you who is struggling. To see your sister go take a glass of juice just like that. Or see your brother take an extra portion for dinner and then go take 2 cookies with milk after dinner. Or to see your dad or mum grab an apple or orange after lunch etc
   They dont over think or analyze every bite they take. They dont worry about the calories. At the end of the day they dont look at everything they ate, try to calculate their intake. 

Of course now a days, many people are using calorie counting apps or go to the gym to burn off that muffin they ate. So seeing actual healthy behaviour around food can be hard now a days but spending time with friends and family and healthy people can help give you an idea of what healthy and normal eating is.
  But also to show you the carefreeness... and you should learn to adapt some of that to your own lifestyle!!!

16 things only those who are always hungry understand

This is translasted from THIS page :)
 I loved it as it is so relevant to me so i thought i would translate it and share it :)

1. Getting irritated at people who only drink coffee/tea in the morning or for snacks

Källa

2. Irritation when you've planned to go for lunch with a friend and they arrive late or suggest you just go for coffee

Källa

3. Feelings of hunger and anger = hangry

Källa

4. Your personality and mood changes when you are hungry

Källa

5. That never ending wait at a restaurant

Källa

6. ... that feeling when the waiter comes out but passes your table

Källa

7. Your stomach often rumbles and makes noises

Källa

8. First thought when you wake up in the morning: FOOD!

Källa

9 You ask this question a little to often!

Källa

10. You often get specific cravings - or just want to eat everything

Källa

11. The hours inbetween meal times seem to slow down

Källa

12. Doesnt matter what time of the day. you are always hungry.

Källa

13. Even if you just ate, you can still eat more

Källa

14. Your friends and family have understood to make sure that you eat and have snacks with you, or they bring snacks for YOU so that you dont become irrtated and angry,.

Källa

15. The amount of times you have finished your food and sit and just watch others eat and you still want more

Källa

16. The horrible feeling of having to share food.... or having to share food with someone who eats faster than you!!!

Källa

What ive been through has made me who i am today

Something which i began thinking about today was about everything ive been through the past few years. If i were to say what ive been through in my whole life... well then i could write a novel. So many events and things in my life have shaped me to who i am today.
  I am not the shy, self conscious, sick, weak little girl i was in Ireland. I am now strong, independant, mature, intelligent, brave..... But i would not be where i am, or who i am today without the past events in my life. They have MADE ME strong. They have made me grow up (of course i am considered an adult, but that doesnt always mean that people behave like adults), mature, learn from my mistakes....

The next bit of this post im just going to write a few things ive been through just in the years of my eating disorder. But it can be TRIGGERING for some... so please just skip the next part of this post if you get triggered easily or are someone who compares yourself to others, or if you have thoughts of not being sick enough or comparing yourself to others who are sick.
  This is just to prove to myself, and to others that you can take yourself out of any situation. No matter how bad it gets you can change things around.
  But even to those who dont struggle themselves, who have a family or friend who struggle... they can ALSO recover. No matter how sick or how long they have been sick, it is possible.

TRIGGER WARNING NEXT:



I've had periods where i didnt eat more than 200kcal per day
I exercised for hours on end, even when i felt faint
Fainted due to exhaustion
Purged at friends houses, in restaurants, in the forest
Been inpatients at a psychiatric ward, eating disorder clinic, kids hospital, for months/weeks on end
Ive been tube fed
Ive been on complete bed rest
Ive been in a wheel chair due to low body weight and low heart rate
Ive run away from hospital
Ive overdosed
Ive attempted to hang myself
I have lied straight to the face of my friends, family, doctors, staff etc
Ive self harmed until i can no longer feel anything
Ive burnt myself
Ive hit myself
Ive run away from home
Ive binged
Ive been sugar addicted
Ive been addicted to diet soda
Ive relapsed
Ive had panic attacks and anxiety attacks
Ive stood infront of mirrors for hours and cried and said every negative thing i could think of about my body.



All these things, these events.... overdose, self harm, tube fed, inpatients..... they have made me who i am. They have made me stronger.
   Do i wish i have never been through them, its hard to say. When you are in the situation of being so depressed you almost take your own life, or being admitted to hospital or beijng fed by a tube. Then you would do anything in the world to make it stop, to change life and situation. But now when i am on the other side of all of that, i can look back and think.... it was awful then. But i took myself through all of those situations. I AM STILL ALIVE.

Infact, i think i needed to go through all of those things, all of those eevnts to make me who i am. For example, over training, self hate, restriction, sugar addicted, diet soda addicted... all of those things have given me the balance i have today. Balance of exercise as i know how it is to over exercise, sugar addicted but also only eating salad and egg whites has given me the balance to eat both things in moderation.

What you are going through right now might be tough, but know that you CAN make it through. You just have to keep fighting. Its so easy to give up, i did that aswel... but i never truly gave up. Because then i wouldnt be here.
  There was a reason i didnt die after my suicide attempts, there was a reason that i didnt die from my eating disorder, no matter how close i came. Remember that YOU are also needed, loved and wanted in this world. So DONT let your depression, eating disorder or any other illness you have take your own life.
   
Even for me, everyday i fight and struggle with my CF, but i refuse to let that win, refuse to let my CF ruin or control my life. YOU have to take the events you go through and fight for your life, learn from your mistakes!!

Diary Entry 2011 - dont give up

May 2011

Ive hit a wall.
a huge, brick, stone wall. its all i can see. it caries on up, up, up. and all the way infront of my path.
I cant see past it.

Ive been strong to long, i cant carry on. this wall is stopping me. i cant go by it, all i can do is turn back.
All my good work, gone. all my hard work.

I just want to stand in a corner and cry.

I cant do this anymore. its all too much.

I want to turn back.

I dont want to gain any more wieght. i dont want to sit here and eat. i dont want to live my life anymore.
I cant get past this. things are too hard.

Ive done this for too long,ive been fighting too long. all my strength is gone. and suddely, in a split second. I give up.

Recovery isnt easy. Recovery is hard. It takes time. It takes energy. It takes strength. And it is easy to give up.... most of my time recoverying i just wanted to give up. I wanted to stop eating. To just let the anxiety control me. I wanted to stop the anxiety. I didnt want to eat. I didnt want to be strong... but i was. I was strong. Everyday.
  I fought, i didnt let the anxiety destroy me. I wanted to scream. I wanted to run. I wanted to jump infront of a train. But i sat quiet, writing out my feelings and thoughts.
  Each day was hard... but in time i realised, i was getting stronger, the anxiety was fading. Eating wasnt as hard. 
  Even if somedays were harder than others.... and soemdays i thought i would never be healthy. I never let go of my motivation to become healthy. I kept stronger, even when it felt like i would break.


So remember that.
   Somedays are hard, but you cant give up just because of that. You have to be extra strong those days.You can recover.
  I believe in every single one of you who are struggling, with whatever illness it is you have. 
  Or even if you dont have any illness, i believe that you can achieve any dream/goal you set!!! :)

http://living-with-anorexia.blogspot.se/2012/09/believe-that-recovery-is-possible.html (post i wrote about (you've most probably read?) that recovery is possible!)

Morning energy!

Good morning :)
   I thought i had scheduled a post for this morning, but apparently not... so my first post is coming up now. A little later than usual!
 
Tuesdays are the day where i can sleep in as well as have time for other things, so im planning to go to the gym and then get to school an hour early so i can sit and work on some assignments as well as start working on my inbox which is piling up!!
  On the menu for breakfast this morning was a fruit salad, one of my new favourites in the morning :) So simple and quick to make and also delicious and lots of energy :)
  Recently i have been eating alot more than before... or it feels like it anyway, maybe i amnt really. But i feel happier, have more energy (Well, apart from right after school. But thats because by that point i havent eaten in a few hours) I dont feel as stressed. And also my body isnt as bloated either!! All of this because im eating more and eating more carbs!!! Dont be afraid of food, sometimes the answer to your problems is more food....
  and other times its less stress, more sleep, water, a friend etc etc... :)

depression

You are NOT alone. Know that there are people all around you willing to help you. You just have to reach out for help... it might not be the first person you talk to, or the 3rd person. But reach out for help, dont be scared.

   Dont suffer in silence.

Picture source X

The secret of getting ahead is getting started

Something which i dont think i will ever learn to adjust to is my Monday schedule... too many lessons, too tightly crammed together. Each Monday i start my day (hopefully) with positivity, think that this Monday will be different. This Monday i wont feel exhausted at the end of the day, come home, too tired and hangry to speak to my family, and have to lock myself in my room for an hour just to get some food in me and to turn my mind off for a while.
  But nope, its the same story each week. Monday is soo very tiring.

My perfect school day would be to start at around 10/11am and then finish at maybe 3/4pm.... What i love is having time in the morning to just do my own thing, then have a morning workout and come to school and its not super early. But an ok time and then i have a few lessons.
  Because the fact is, i dont mind coming home late at say 5/6pm, because really... i dont do anything after school on weekdays. It might be a different story if i had a boyfriend, but with friends... we all have a tough schedule, long days in school and many have after school activities. So we usually meet during weekends when school isnt too tough or throwing assignments at us. So coming home late, and starting a little later wouldnt be so bad :)
  Though thats just my opinion.  Whats your opinion with work or school? Would you prefer to start early and finish a little earlier or to start later but finish a little later? :)

When i came home i quickly made myself a snack, quark mixed with funlight & my muslie mix. 2 eggs & 5 chocolate covered brazil nuts (its been a while, but i still love them!) & my beloved coffee!!!

Sometimes i find it so hard to believe that it was actually me who was so scared of eating. That eating nuts, or chocolate covered nuts for a snack would be impossible to imagine, especially not after sitting for 6 hours straight (almost). But now i love food, ALL types of food. Infact if i could i would go out to eat at a restaurant everyday, i would go to cafes for sandiwches and smoothies etc but dont have the money for it... but i know that once i start earning my own money pretty much 50% of it will go towards food and eating out and then 45% will go towards training clothes ;) (of course.. all of this after i have paid my bills etc :))
   Remember CHANGE IS POSSIBLE!!! You just have to want it and work for it!! Dont just sit there and wish for change, or wish to be healthy and recovered. Its a change YOU have to make!

Bad day remedies

SOURCE: tourmalinetardis:

Everyone has those really rotten days, some more often than others. Whether you are feeling depressed, anxious, sick, or completely stressed out I want you to know that I’m here for you. These are a few things that I hope can help you feel better.
~ Relax and Unwind ~

• Take a nice hot bath! If you have candles SAFELY use them. It helps, really!
• Relaxing music playlists: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
• This is my favorite relaxing classical playlist bc it has AMAZING visuals
• Rain sounds
• Ambient sounds playlist: Everything from waves to light nature sounds
• Get Comfy! I’m talking sweatpants and baggy t-shirt 
• Wrap yourself in your fluffiest blanket
• Read your favorite book
• A Quiet Place
• The best yoga poses to release stress
• Calming 
• Therapeutic Gif
• Pacific Reef cam from the National Aquarium (They say 8:00am-10:00pm EST are the best viewing times)

~ Kindness ~

• Endless hugs from the Nicest Place on the Internet
• Rice Questions
• 40 movie inspirational speeches in 2 minutes (the greatest)
• Panic and anxiety information masterpost
• Self harm alternatives
• Compliments
• Gives me hope
• If you ever feel suicidal 
• How to love yourself
• Exploring and coping with panic attacks
• Emotional Baggage Check
• Love is louder
• American Psychological Association Info
• HelpGuide
• Suicide Prevention Lifeline
• Reasons to live

~ Laugh a Little ~

• Ellen makes everything better
• So does an hour of Scenes from a Hat from Whose Line Is It Anyways
• Playlist of Sideways Scenes from British Whose Line
• Comedies
• Top 10 funniest Friends scenes
• Funniest game show answers of all time
• Sunny Mabrey vine compilation
• AFV

~ So Much Cuteness ~

• Play with shelter kitties LIVE (scroll down a bit until you get to the map and click on any orange paw print. If one doesn’t work, try another)
• Watch some cute cat videos
• Cute Roulette (you won’t regret it!)’
• Bunnies making you feel better
• Kitty cam live
• Cute drawings
• Play cute games
• Vancouver Aquarium Live Cams (Beluga, Penguin, Sea Otter and Jellyfish) I find the jellyfish cam to be relaxing if you turn on some music in the background
• Animal Planet’s Live Puppy Cam and Live Kitten Cam (WARNING: adorableness may cause uncontrollable *squee* moments BECAUSE THEY ARE SO CUTE)

~ Mmm Food ~

• Fudge Brownie in a mug
• Cookie in a mug
• Nutella hot chocolate
• Study snacks 
• S’mores pie
• Mac n cheese in a mug

~ Distractions ~

• Make something beautiful: textures, Weave Silk, Drawing tutorial masterpost, More textures, Increase creativity
• Play a piano
• Mario
• Cool things
• Cubefield 
• Quote yourself
• Games
• List of Disney/Pixar/Marvel movies
• List of other TV shows
• Hacker typer
• "Essay" typer
• Learn a new hobby masterpost
• Candy box, Candy box 2 (you will get addicted)
• Resources masterpost Textures, brushes, fonts, etc
• Akinator
• Build something with Legos (Apparently it only works on Google Chrome, sorry!)
• Play Daft Punk songs using your keyboard

Believe that recovery is possible

It takes time and hard work, believe me. It is not easy. Nobody is ever gonna tell you its easy, because it isnt, it is tough, hard work. everyday. It will be a battle... but it wont always be hard.
  You have to first make the decision you want to recover.
You have to want to recover, for yourself . At first its good to maybe want to reocver for your family, or for a trip to France, or to get to move away from home.. or whatever it is... but in the end, recovery has to be for you.
 Its your body that will change, but it will change for the better. But it is still your life... and trust me, when it gets tough... its easy to be like. Well, i dont care.
  But when you are recoverying for yourself, for all the good things of being healthy and no longe rhvaing an ED. Trust me, it wont be as easy to just give up on recovery... because you konw what you want. What you are fighting for... and that is so much more important then weigh X on the scale, or looking like a stick.

   
Recovery is worth it. It is hard... but it is possible, you just have to give it a chance. Because it gets easier.. and you will like your body, and to live without anxiety everyday. To live without fear foods and scared to eat ovver X amount of calories.. that is not a life.
  TO be controlled of exercise, and diet food and all these rules... its not fun. You cant live freely.
  Give recovery a chance!!!

Quick morning breakfast post :)

Good morning lovely people :)
    This morning, i dont even know what i have done with my time.... or i do, but somehow time seems to have sped up. So of course, Monday morning and i feel i am running late... or going to run late anyway!!
   I saw that i have gotten lots of comments on my previous post... though dont have time to reply just now, but i will definitely try reply to you all this afternoon :)

Now its time for breakfast which i will have to eat in a matter of minutes! I dislike these stressful mornings alot, but thats part of life... its just to turn this not-so-good-morning into a good day :)

Food is not the enemy

Food is not the enemy, your mind and thoughts are your enemy!!!

Today the only physical exercise i have done is 5 minutes to the library and 5 minutes back in turtle speed. But that doesnt make me eat less than normal... Nope i keep eating exactly what my body needs!
  As i mentioned in one of my previous posts i did actually go to the library and there i sat for 3,5 hours where i brought lunch and snacks with me... but well, studying just makes me super hungry and tired. So after 3,5 hours i was feeling super hungry, craving coffee and just didnt want to type anymore. So i packed my things and went home.
  I then ate some quark with nuts and dried fruit  as well as 2 more cookies :) :)

Did some series watching before my family came home and spent a while talking with them. They made an early dinner and i wasnt hungry right then so i waited a while.... but my hunger wasnt really coming (had a stomach ache) and i wasnt craving dinner food. So instead i decided to make some pancakes and eat those with a fruit salad, 1,5 portion casein & some protein bites!!!

A perfect dinner and night snack combined!

My tastebuds were in heaven :)

^^Yup, even if i wasnt feeling super hungry i ate ALL of this ^^ 

Need all my energy :)

Now its time for rest and to pack my bag for tomorrow... a long day in school!

 Remember your body NEEDS food. Look at all the delicious food i eat, dont you want to feed and nourish your body as well? Give it the energy it needs :)