Memory lane

Sorting through my pictures on my hard disk..

At first i was in tears, looking at picture from 2010 to 2011.... i couldnt believe it was me in the pictures.... it didnt look like me.
  In all the pictures, i can see right through the smile... i can like, see the pain in my eyes.... and then of course the scars... in almost all the pictures, i see some form of my self harm... :/
   Its sad... i had tears rolling down my eyes. The worst was the pictures that i had taken while i was at Mando... one picture, where i am smiling... but i can see that i have been crying, how my whole face has swollen and my eyes are red and puffy.
  I am so utterly exhausted in that picture... i had cried and cried and cried. And i was so tired, because before i got admitted, i hadnt anything for almost five full days, i had lived on fizzy water and a few crackers... i had exercised..  My whole body was covered in scars and burns... i was so exhausted, and it was a relief to be admitted. To no longer have to push myself, to hurt myself anymore.
   Looking at that picture... all these emotions come back. I can remember how it felt... i remember that day as if it was yesterday...
  but if i hadnt been admitted to inpatients, once again (in April 2011) i wouldnt have been alive.
   Really, i was going to  be kicked out of Mando, but i was a risk to my own life. If my heart didnt collapse, i would have tried to kill myself again. So Mando, put me back into inpatients... and it was that that saved my life.
  Because i was so utterly exhausted, so tired of being sick.... slowly, i started to realise that i wanted to be healthy.
  I had to reach absaloute bottom, before i decided to give healthy a chance.

And then, i reached the 2012 pictures. And i start smiling. I do look happy.. i must admit.. Gorgeous and beautiful and sexy?! Haha.. can you even say that about yourself?? Whatever, of course you can!!! :)¨
  Looking at the pictures... its like, my body was perfect... i looked so good. But i remember at the time.. i hated the way i looked. Ok, not hated... but iwasnt happy. I was just trying to not think about my body...
   I hate that at the time, i cant see how beautiful i am (haha.. EGO!!! xd) i just want to change... and then when i look back, i realise that i had a great body..
  of course i still do.
But now im more toned... more fit. But i cant see that.... i still amnt so happy with my body... i could change so much about it. Of course, when i look back at the photos from now, in a years time... (or like 6 months) ill most probably think i look great.. now, im just like mehhh... dont like my body.

Ugghhh.. i wish i could just be happy with the way i look....:/

Photos, i love them though... looking back at them. And remember memories. Times i laughed, the time i did something new, ate something new.. or just when i went out for a walk. I love it.
  I remember the day so clear.. i remember the memory!!!: )

Photos are definitely the best thing!!!

(Sorry this is such avague post... not so well written - none of my posts really are though... im just kind of in hte middle of doing like 5 different things!! haha )