2012 look back

Its crazy to think that another year has passed... where has the time gone? I cant even remember what ive done this year? eeek.
  It feels like just a week ago, wehre i was writing my '2011' look back? Hmm... ive done back and read my posts through 2012, so that i can remember what ive done, how ive felt etc etc.
  So now i am going to give you a roughly, month by month of my 2012!!
  If you are an avid follower (which i thank you for ;) ) You will have read my life day by day, but here is a recap :)
 
January.
  January 2012. Start of a new year. I felt tired and stressed, i had my national exams. And i tried putting on a smile, even though i genereally felt upset and tired.
   I started running again during January. I convinced my mum to let me buy sports gear, and then i came to an agreement with my case manager to let me start running. We agreed that i was allowed to run 2-3 times a week as long as i took my supplement drinks.
   I was still underweight, struggling to gain c.a 4kg, to bring me to my goal weight. No matter how much i ate, i couldnt gain weight.
   The more stressed i felt with school, the less i began to eat, and soon i started getting more anxiety.
  Soon my eating patterns turned into a black circle, where i ate less as i felt stressed, but then ended up binging because i wasnt getting enough energy during the days.
  And soon i ended up purging once or twice to deal with the anxiety of binging.

^

^^Î put on a smile hoping no one would notice what was going on in my head.^^

  ^
Taken from a post:
' I dont know what to do.... im losing control.

I felt horrible during this period 1-2 months. I didnt know what to do. I was so worried of going back to Mando, of losing my freedom, but slowly Ana was trying to take control.

January was basically a very up-down month, where i was trying to keep myself from falling down.
  And my year pretty much continued like this.

February:

My month continued in the same way as January. Where i felt sad and stressed, trying to keep myself in control.
Taken from a post: 'Keep strong. Nothing good comes from giving up.'
  My life was black, i felt tired. I was worried about Mando, my case manager telling me that i had to gain weight, while my head was telling me to not eat. I felt sad, and my suicidal thoughts began to kick in.
   Running was my joy. I hated going to school, and just wanted to skip it.

Taken from a post:
    It didnt go well at all. I hate it. I hate myself. I hate Mando. I hate anorexia. I lost weight. once again. And basically, thats the end of it. If i lose just 1 hg more, then its back to day patients. I hate my life, its slowly falling apart and im just sitting back, watching it happen.


Taken from a post:
' If you could see into my head, all you would see is a tumble of thoughts, happy memories, dark suicidal clouds, thoughts... but no dreams, no goals, no life....'
'I feel empty... as if im a shell. With a smile plastered onto my face?

^^I went for many walks in the snow with my dog.

^^I hated the way i looked. And started getting 'fat feelings' again.

March

It was in March where i realised how i had lost weight, and that my thoughts were taking control, and i realised that if i didnt do something now, then thigns would just keep spiraling down.
    I couldnt deal with the stress of school. And i started to lose even more weight, i was down to 52/51kg, which for my height gave me a BMI of 17 or something, which meant that really i should have been admitted back to day patients. I took control of the situation though and went back to my meal plan, which i think was one of the best decisions ive made, because i know if i didnt, i would have kept losing weight,
   I also began drinking 1/2 supplement drinks a day. It took a long while until i had actually gained the weight again. But i did start feeling a little better in my body, and combined with me running my love for food and appetite grew!!
 That was pretty much what March consisted of. I went to school and just did my thing, dont think anything really happened, i was longing for summer!!!

^^Hated drinking them, but knew i had to.

^^Began eating lots of cheese sandwiches (usually instead of supplement drinks :) )

^^I began gaining weight, slowly... but i began liking my body more!

April.
   During April, my life was a bit like this:
Taken from a post: 
   i hate the way i look... i hate the way i feel.... i just hate everything. contemplating jumping infront of a train ..... or something i hate it.

My mood and energy went up and down. My thoughts started going from positive to negative in a matter of seconds. I felt very stressed as my exams were coming up, and i was just trying to cope. I pulled myself away alot during April, but i did also have some lovely days spent with my family, especially at the end of April when it was my sisters birthday and my family from Ireland and England all came over to celebrate.
During April i also began socializing with D more.

^^I didnt smile. I didnt frown. ... ^^

^

^¨I began liking and accepting my body more.^^

May

It was in May, where i finally convinced my mum and my case manager that i could handle going to the gym and that i really wanted a gym membership!! I can say, that was a very good decision. And i am so glad that i am allowed to go to the gym. (It helps me de stress, i feel good in my body, my restlessness isnt as bad. I feel happpier after the gym. and i am a bit of an endorphine junkie :) )
   I was still trying to manage my 'body thoughts'. Some days i felt positive about my body, otherdays i didnt even want to look in the mirror.
  But generally i started feeling better. The weather was getting a little better (I am seriously starting to think that i have seasonal affective disorder.??) 

At the end of May, i also travelled back to Ireland on my own  for my dads birthday. It had bbeen over 1,5 years since i had been back there and i wasnt so sure how it would go. Whether i would be triggered and relapse. But i was confident that it would go ok. And i wanted to visit my dad and my best friend.
  I also got my tattoo (which i love!) while i was in Ireland!!!^