Before i never really thought about the pictures i uploaded on my blog, because you cant right click and save my pictures... btu still, they're online.
Its happened before where i have found, or been told by others that they have found a picture of me, from when i was sick on a thinspo page.... not exactly what i was aiming for when i uploaded the picture.
And then there is one picture in particular, one of my thigh gap, (which is infact one of the top words which links ot my blog? -_-'). That picture has been reblogged thousands of times on Tumblr, its on different Weheartit pages and has been in a few articles online (which i didnt even know about until i searched.) Most of the articles just use my picture showing a thigh gap, and then talking about how a thigh gap is unrealistic and you shouldnt aim for it.
But one article which had a range of different pictures of girls with thigh gaps and talked about how stupid these girls - myself included (as my picture was shown) - were. And even if the author doesnt even know who the people in the pictures are, and just used them as examples. The fact that it was me in the picture, did hurt....
Even if it sounds stupid.
I wonder if ive ever done that... im sure i have, written something and offendd someone. (I promise ive never meant to do that if i have :()
One of the articles, which includes my picture is here: http://kristenjtsetsi.com/2013/10/15/thigh-gap-and-eating-disorders/ (Actually a well written post... )
Then there is also one picture which i uploaded to Tumblr, that one has made its round and has thousands of reblogs.... it was basicaly a progress picture of me. I got loads of positive feedback from people, but also some creepy mails..... and at times, i have regretted uploading the picture, not because im ashamed... but at the same time, because it feels like.... i dont know where that picture will be used. Who will see it...
These are just some late night thoughts.... But i think we should all be a bit more internet smart, and remembe to think before we upload anything!! Though it feels like basically my whole life is online anyway....
What a crappy thing… People seems like they have no brains… But don't worry. I mean stay calm and strong. Because I know - you are worried about the others, not just about yourself (which is good also). We can't change it… There will still be thinspo… Unfortunatelly.
ReplyDeleteThere is also one thing that I want to show you/ask you I don't even know. It's a problem called "recovering forever" or I don't know how to call it but something like that.
I mean… I've noticed that in my case, in my life and in my recovery. But I think that everyone knows it… It is connected with the fear of normal life I guess, the fear of the NORMALITY which you want so badly but at the same time you're freaking out because: will it be the big come back of this life that you hated? The body which you hated? The look that you hated? Would it be the same? The same life that you've left? That you've ran away from? It's such a big deal… But you STILL WANT RECOVERY so badly. You're trying and trying, youre motivated in every moment, don't give up but yore still at the same point, the same level… How is it possible? Of course it is anorexia, you think you can always beat her but like you see it is not that easy. And this is how it is: recovery forever? Do I really want to be in recovery forever? Doing recovery but still standing in the hole? Beacuse of the fear. The fear is stopping me. And it is gaining a little bit and a little bit losing or saying: tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow.
And it is also at the internet. How is it possible that a lot of girls from tumbrls or instagrams etc. are still in recovery? I mean it is ok that they are sooo optimistic but… they aren't changing! And it is waiting for what… for the miracle? For what?! For the death? Do we really want to thinkg about eating, food, not forgeting to eat FOR THE REST OF OUR LIFE?
I don't know if it is just what i wanted to say.. But it can be an inspiration for the post. Maybe one about recovering forever, one about the fear, one about WHAT IS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF RECOVERY? Because it isn't just the beautiful photos on nstagram/tumblr of nutritious food. Because it is not just eating. Because recovery is not possible without the CHANGE, without GAINING weight and all the stuff…
Im just thinking about it a lot. HOW MUCH ENERGY i put in my recovery… i'm not cheating, i'm not unmotivated but… i'm still there. Still sick and still with anorexia. I don't want it. And that means… that i can't see every moment when i'm losing. Because it is a faight. But sometimes the fear and the anorexia is stronger. That makes my recovery inefficient. That is sad.
Because I can look and almost LIVE those inspirations… But the photos won't feed me. And without my steps i won't be healthy anymore. And that is my biggest dream, right?! :)
Just some late night thoughts…. :)
Goodnight Izzy, kisses!!!
Please Izzy, say something.
DeleteI will try to reply to this tomorrow... ( or as soon as i can) .
DeleteThe article you link to is mine, and in no way does it say or even suggest you (or anyone else) is stupid. The article (it's a newspaper article I wrote that I then shared on my personal site) is meant to explain the complexity of eating disorders and (with luck) stop people from saying to those who want thigh gaps, "It's not even attractive!" Or "men like more meat on the bones!" (As if eating disorders were about wanting the attention of men.)
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry (truly) if something about the article offended you, but I hope you'll read it again without your pictures there as a distraction and see if the larger message is easier to see.
I'm glad you're doing so well, these days. I recently interviewed a former bulimic about her 15 years with an eating disorder, if you're interested: http://realwomensbodies.com/dying-to-be-thin/
No dont worry your article didnt offend me - thats why i linked it. I mean, you even have the source of the picture :)
DeleteIt was other posts which i read which were the ones that were offensive....
I didnt mean to offend you with this post, that was not the case at all, so im sorry. I did read your article and thought it was good and a good message as well :)
Whew. I can't tell you how relieved I am to hear that. Thanks, Izzy. I hope you have a happy New Year. :)
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