Diary entry

My life was unbearable... my days were filled with anxiety and panic. I refused the food at Mando. I refused Mando help, but i was stuck in day patients. I had just overdosed on painkillers and had spent a weekend with an IV attached to my arm. And things just got worse from there.
  I had so much anxiety and pain. And nobody noticed. My mum had given up on me, and nobody at Mando noticed how much i was struggling. They didnt care.
   They had given up on me, they didnt want to see how hard thigns were for me... just becaus ei didnt open up. But on my own i sat crying, marking my arms with even more arms.

And i decided that i couldnt do it anymore, that was when i decided that i would take my life, once and for all. My first chance out of HDV and i would kill myself.
   

8/3/2011 - Mando inpatients.


Am i really such a good actress that the staff dont see through my facade?
   They dont see how much pain, how much anger, hurt, anxiety i carry around.
Am i to face it on my own? Everyone else gets help, they notice when someone else is sad, when someone else cries or has anxiety. They dont notice me.
  No one wants to help me. No one wants to face the fact that i am not strong. That i break. That i have anxiety.
  Theyre perfectly happy with just sitting there and watching me struggle, not even asking if im ok.
Not even when the tears are falling. 
I dont want to do this. 
Im ready to kill myself, where is the knife. The painkillers? I need them. I need to end this, i have money now.
 Next chance im going to buy a pack of 30+ extra strong painkillers.
 That should do the trick... Just end it. Not be weak.
  This time i wont tell anyone. 
Next time i'll die.

Did you know that when i was once again admitted back to Mando as an inpatient - for my final time.. i had been told by Mando that i was no longer allowed to be there, as i was too sick. But i was also so underweigth and sick that i wasnt allowed home either - as that was pretty much a death sentenance.

My mum had pretty much given up on me at this stage. She was too tired of trying to help me. She didnt want to see me suffer anymore.

Things were terrible at Mando... i had hit my absaloute bottom.

And i was planning on once and for all killing myself, as soon as i got the chance. That was my motivation to get out of Mando.

I attempted to run away while i was there, but that lead to me getting my shoes and jackets and bus card taken away from me. And also, i wasnt allowed visitors because each time my mum or sister visited i would try to get them to take me out.

So i was on pretty much complete lock down - with a staff with me everywhere. (though i had basically 0 movement)

And the longer i sat at Mando. Watching as other patients got to go home, and as new patients arrived. It was at that point that i realised that i could sit in Mando, being skinny but being scared to eat, scared to live, hating myself and hating food and everything.

Or i could try to recover... i could atleast try to eat.

But also, i saw on Facebook as my sister went to parties, spent time with her boyfriend, ate yummy food and was just living her life. Happy and healthy.

And ive always loved my sisters body - even if she hasnt thought the same. 

But she was one of my  motivations to recover... i wanted to be happy and healthy.

To be living life...

And thats what im doing now.

At the time it seemed impossible. Being healthy was just a dream..  a dream that scared me.

But i wanted it. I didnt want to be sick anymore, and so i fought. I fought through the anxiety and panic. I challenged myself. 

It took time. I made my mistakes, i slipped up, but i learnt and i grew.

And here i am now 100 times stronger and a completely different person.