This morning started at 8am where i got up and got ready and then my sister and I headed to the gym. She wanted to do cardio and i was going to show her interval training, so we did that first and then she had to leave and i was going to do some strength training. But i felt so unfocused so after 30 minutes i gave up and just went home instead. Felt super hungry, so ate a large lunch & a bar for dessert.
I had absaloutly no motivation to go to the CF clinic today and would have gladly cancelled... but i knew that i had to go. That i couldnt make excuses.
So i headed there and met the doctors and nurses, had blood tests done, got my lung function taken, lots of talking and different tests.
I also got weighed - which is standard when im there. I dont weigh myself, we dont have a scale at home. And the number on the scale doesnt bother me. However today i saw that i had gained weight since las ttime i was there (a few months ago) and you know what, im not going to lie, at first that number gave me a shock. Its more than i have ever weighed... i mean weighing 60kg was alot for me. But i shouldnt compare to what i have weighed before, because before i got anorexia i was underweight and i was around 10/11... so of course i should way more than i ever have before.
But also, i strength train. I mean my goal is to gain muscle mass... of course i will gain weight. But what does that number really mean? It just gives me my mass... a weight. I had drank coffee and some water like 30 minutes before i got weighed, and i also had jeans and a top on. So the weight i guess isnt that accurate. But what does it matter anyway?
Its a number. And that number doesnt define me.
At first it shocked me, but now im fine with it. I am actually very glad that we dont have a scale at home. I dont like the scale, i dont like how it can trick with your mind and give you these very stupid thoughts and feelings.
When i got home i lay on my bed and read my book which i have slowly been working my way through. Suddenly it was 7pm and it was time to eat, and i began fixing loads of different things - falafels, pea and sweet corn burgers, sweet potaote cubes, carrot fries, mashed peas, broccolli!
So it was jsut a mix of food for dinner :) Delicious :)
Now im planning on returning to my book and getting an early nights sleep :) haha (What a wild and crazy teenager i am ;))
That's why I don't like the scale, particularly in recovery. Ever a person like you who've fully recovered could get a 'shock' by seeing the number on the scale, imagine how 'shocked' would those of us who are in recovery be if we see the number going up! However, I'm so glad to hear that you were able to get your heard around. Larger number = more muscle = stronger, since you know the larger number actually shows the result of your hard work :) I do understand restoring to a healthy weight is important in recovery, however I think the mental element is more important - even after I've gained some weight, I didn't realise that before weighing myself - because mentally I'm still very ED-ed. So I think gaining weight does not mean you are recovering if your state of mind remains ED-ed.
ReplyDeleteBtw, I think you shouldn't post you exact weight on this blog - I mean I like the fact that you are sharing yourself with us, but the numbers may be triggering to some people (not me though!), so just in case...:-)
J
I agree the mental part is almost more important that gaining weight, however you cant say that gaining weight isnt important. It has actually been proved that when you are very underweight and not eating enough, your brain doesnt get enough calories and you cant think straight. Your body is in starvation mode, making it harder to recover. And also the chances of relapsing are alot higher if you dont reach a healthy weight.
DeleteBut you also have to think about... why is it that you cant reach your healthy weight? If you arent letting yourself, then it means you arent fully healthy. For months while i was half recovered i kept telling myself i couldnt gain weight, that was my excuse for why i couldnt reach my healthy weight. But yo uknow what, i could. It was just my ED didnt want me to.
But no, just because someone is a healthy weight doesnt mean they are recovered. The mental part takes alot longer to recover from than the physicaly.
I do try to avoid writing my weight because in the end, what does it matter to anyone else. Its just a number, its my weight. However i do weigh more than what i wrote above... ;)
I don't think it would be triggering if she shares her weight(if she wants to), it would just show the truth, that you can (and SHOULD) weigh more than 40-50kg and look amazing..Personally I love to read that people put on weight, it motivates me to let go of my fears of gaining, and seeing how healthy and thin you look it motivates me even more to keep up my recovery..
ReplyDeleteI mean what Izzy is doing doesn't trigger me but you can never tell what the others think...but of course I respect everything she does on this blog, since this is HER blog and I'm only a visitor :)
DeleteBtw...healthy and THIN?? Are you talking about Izzy? I don't think she's thin, she's toned :)
And, one more thing to Izzy: you look amazing regardless of the number on the scale xx
J
Thank you ;) haha
DeleteIt can trigger others, but what i want people to realise is that weight is just a number. For some people weighing 55kg is their goal weight and gives them a healthy weight, but if i were to weigh 55kg i would be underweight... so really you cant compare to anyone else. But i also think its important because i have had some people who are the same height as me and have been worried because their goal weight is around 58-60 and that scares them... so i think it can be good to show them that i wegh 60kg+ and am not fat. Though of course i do have quite a bit of muscle, but that doesnt really matter, nor does the number on the scale!!
Well, yes I meant thin and I was talking about Izzy, but not in a negative way. Thin is not a negativity...skinny is. I don't see the problem in my comment, you can be a healthy weight and not be fat or chubby at all, that's all I was trying to say..Weight is always a sensitive topic, so sorry if my comment was somehow inappropriate :(
DeleteNo I didn't say your comment was inappropriate, you can say anything you like and I'd respect others' opinion :) It's nice to hear thoughts from different people so no need to apologise!
DeleteJ
Dont worry i understood what you meant :) I didnt take it in a negative way. If you were to tell me i was too skinny, then it would be negative but just saying you're thin doesnt mean its an insult :)
DeleteDefinitely no need to apologise it wasnt inappropriate... not in the context anyway :)
I'm the same height as Izzy, and reading what her weight is was actually a real boost for me, and a kick up the backside ;)
ReplyDeleteOf course everyones body composition is different-I'm not going to have the mirror image figure of hers, we all store fat differently and build muscle in different places, but it genuienly helped realising that someone of my height with 'X' weight can look totally awesome and healthy!
Thanks a bunch for taking the time to blog so much Izzy! H x
Tgank you so much :)
ReplyDelete