Scars

Here at Mando, theres this really emo girl. And sure i dont have a problem with that, but today, i saw her itching ehr arm, and it was covered in scars. Just criss crossed with them, they were new. And it wasnt anything that surprised me, she did seem really upset, like her make up looked as if it had run, like she'd been crying, or maybe thats the look she wanted? I cant eb fully sure.
  But afterwards i was like, "Shit. Those scars are gonna take along while to fade." Like i totally got why seh would cut hersefl, i've been there, but i was shocked to see someone else with scars. Mine are nearly gone now, but i can honestly say, that i dont think i've evr been happier that i have stopped. I cant deny soemtimes i think about it, sometimes i see a scissors, evena knife, and i dont see it as a knife or scissors, i see it to harm myself. And trust me, ive been very close to going down that road, but i didnt. And im ever so glad. Like people sya that tlaking helps, talk if you feel like that, but i dont. I cant and i dont want to. But thats fine,i  just have to try to plough through those emotions. Put on music, write. But if i write while having those feelings, it gets veyr dark, and alot about suicide or how shitty everything is and music, well you guessed it, Emo, evanescence. Really my mum doesnt want me listening to it, but in all honesty soemtimes its hte only music i want to listen to and the only thing that makes me feel better. Weird.
  But i feel sorry for that girl, i know thinga are shitty and tough.. i've defo been there, but now.. i need soemthing to live for. Cus so much of hte time, i dont. I dont have anythign to live for, i know this sounds awful, but not even my family can keep me wanting to live. Not my friends. But what works for me, what keeps me frmo actually killing myself when things get so tough, is my dog. I know i haev written it before, but it is honestly true, i cant leave her. That is why it is so goddamn hard not having her here by me, sometime si jsut want to hug her, (Im actually in tears now. I miss her so much) I havent spent a whole day with her since April. And she's my baby, i love her. and i missed her 2nd birthday. :(
   I really want her here, cus sometimes when things are rough, (and even though im doing a good job ehre at mando that isnt enough,i get tired of hospitals, of eating,of life.) i'm just like, Daisy(my dog) is the only thign keeping me here, and shes not with me, she most probably cant even remember me, why bother?
 Sometimes it comes suddenly, im just like, i dont want to live. jsut like that, because soemthing has annoyed me, pissed me off, not gone the way i thought it would. Just like that, and its awful trying to deal witht hat going on inside of me aswell as what is going on outside.
   But when i saw thats girls scars i did get a little bit shocked, (More fomr seeing the scars, than why she did it, i understand that bit) so now i can totally understand my sisters shock and my best friends (who i hadn ttold her, she found out from the blog. Oooppps, and i had to try to explain over Skype. [ Now i guess i should ahev told her in person.])
   I think im alright now... its not to often that i get suicidal thoughts. I have to find soemthing to live for, soemthing fun.

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