How to answer this question...?
I dont even know anymore... i dont know how i feel. I feel so mixed, so messed up. Like im living with a mask on my face, with these false feelings.
Or more... i have so many emotions each day, its like a roller coaster.
Im happy, then sad, then angry, happy, anxious, sad, feel low and then im really happy... its like that everyday (but not in the same order) somedays i just feel low and sad all day, and that can last for a few days. Somedays i feel anxious all day, just shaking from anxiety...
I dont know how i feel. I dont know how to answer that question anymore. Sometimes i wonder if i have some problem.. why im feeling the way i am? I havent talked to anyone about how im feeling, but like i said, me and my mum suspect that i have borderline or something.
My mum says that i should karate or kung fu or something... as i have so much anger.
Its like i can feel this anger radiating inside of me... and i dont know how to control it, Sometimes just the smallest thing can set me off.
I have to bite my lip to keep from saying something ill regret... I dont think i have an anger problem.. i wouldnt just punch someone, im not that bad... but more... i just have so many emotions... anger, anxiety, sadness, lonliness etc
Im so tired of people asking me how i feel... how i am. Its a quesion which many people ask, but never really care about the answer.
People just expect an Im fine. Im good. Im ok.
If you were to suddenly start saying... i feel like shit. I dont know how i feel. Im a mess. Im falling apart. People would slowly start backing away, make an excuse and leave... anything but actually help. Anything instead of caring about another person.
It seems like its human nature... there are only a few people who generally care about people....
I would like to consider myself someone who cares about other people...
I always listen if a friend needs help. I give advice and try to help. I answer calls 2am for a friend. I will leave the house to help, even if im already in my pyjamas (it has happened).
I dont compliment people just because. But because i actually believe what i am saying... basically what i say, is what i believe is the truth. I dont tell you you look good i dont think you do... if someone were to ask me what i thought about their outfit... and i didnt like it. I would tell them in one form or another.. not harshly.. but subtly.. not tyring to hurt their feelings.
How i am feeling...
That is a question which nobody, not even myself can answer...
After a 5 year struggle with anorexia (with purging tendencies), depression, self harm and over exercising I have now been recovered for 4 years and i use my blog to help others in the same situation i once was. I am now a happy and positive person who wants to inspire those struggling to choose recovery and to take control over life and happiness again!
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I know it's not easy, I know the guilty for not feeling "fine", but just try to remember that is totally ok not being ok, we are human, talk, be honest about your feelings and try to don't care so much about people's reactions. I know it's not much lol, but I'm here if you need. =)
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean, but I think most people feel the same as you regarding the question "How are you".
ReplyDeleteYou see, that is only a rhetoric question, something you ask to be polite and to which you're expected to reply with a polite "I'm fine, and you?"
Still, I think it is a very nice thing too: it shows that even people that don't know us well care for us and wish to be nice to us. So, I'll never stop asking people how they are and when people ask me, it will always make me smile, despite the way I am really feeling.
Personally I would't go telling about my mood swings and my anxiety to every poor shop assistant who asks me how I am, haha!!
Jokes aside, what I'm trying to say is, try and take it just for what it is: only a simple nice gesture.
About your mood swings, I'd suggest you to start thinking in a different way about them too. They don't necessarily mean you are suffering from some sort of mental illness, you know. To be honest, I myself have experienced and still experience very strong mood swings. Plus, I am an anxious person by nature who have suffered from panic attacks, so I know what you mean.
But I have TAUGHT myself to handle things in a different way and it has mostly worked. I say "mostly", because I still get anxiety at times, one can never change their nature completely.
So, when you feel the anxiety invading you, instead of thinking "I am crazy" think that you're not abnormal at all. Many people experience quite severe mood swings and anxiety, but they still manage to live a perfectly normal life, because they learnt how to cope.
Try and accept "those moments" as a part of who you are, do whatever it takes to feel better on that moment, only YOU know what it is, because only YOU know
yourself well enough. It can be dancing wildly around the house, or shouting, or punching a pillow or whatever!! Don't be ashamed to let your emotions out, everybody does it!Don't be ashamed of having "those moments"...In fact, you should be rather proud, as they show you are a sensitive and clever person who think things through.
Come on, Izzy, chin up and be strong!
Stay positive!
I relate to you 100% about the mood swings and such, I actually just wrote a post about it before I read this post of yours. (Your post says it all far more clearly than mine, which is a jumbled mess of thoughts :)). Like you said, I can just get totally set off by something, like I'm always walking on eggshells or at the edge of a cliff or something. One moment I'm fine, the next I'm falling apart, and I don't even understand it? So I guess.. I'm not really sure what my point is in writing this, besides, that I'm feeling the same things right now. Hope you're feeling okay at the moment :)
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