Nightmare

Last night, i had an awful nightmare.
   
I dreamt that i was back in Mando, in inpatients. I didnt know why i was there. I kept trying to figure out why i was back in again, i couldnt even remember how i got to Mando. I tried explaining to the staff that i was happy and healthy, i hadnt been starving myself. I didnt have anxiety when i ate. I told them i could eat all types of food without anxiety. I told them i could gain weight at home if i needed to.
   When i went to my room in Mando, and the staff were going to check my bags - me thinking, i dont even have any bags here. I realised that i had a suitcase packed with clothes, and i didnt even remember packing. I tried asking the staff why i was at Mando, why i was back in inpatients but they couldnt tell me why. Its like they didnt know either, they were like robots.
   When i looked down at myself - at my legs i suddenly realised that i had a belt to keep up my baggy shorts. I could pull out the waist band loads - my clothes that had fit fine.
   I sat in the day room, and all the staff just looked at me. Most probably thinking, here she is again. My 5th time in inpatients. I sat there with tears in my eyes, wondering what i would say to my mum... did my mum even know i was back in again? How would she react. All the while, still wondering why i was there.
   But the longer the time went, the more depressed i felt. My ana tricks came back again....

My dream was awful. I woke up with tears in my eyes, wanting to shout... scream for help.

My nightmares arent filled with monsters and people following me, they're filled with past memories that still haunt me.
  
Falling back into Ana, or any type of ED and going back to hospital is my biggest fear. More scary than change. I have a fear of heights, but i would gladly bungee jump to avoid going back to hospital.

Still feeling weird after my dream :/ Ive had this type of nightmare times and times before, and each time i wwake up feeling shaken up and weird, and can't quite forget the dream :/