When i got home from Mando, I told my mum and sister i wasnt in the mood to talk.
But they tried making conversation, so when i avoided them, they thought i was being rude. which lead to tension and anger.
Finally i started talking to my mum, and ... i think i started talking about weight. how i didnt want to gain anymore. hate my body and dont want to eat. Dont want to go to Mando. She told me i was sick, that i needed to gain weight. That it was stupid that i couldnt see how skinny i was. How sick i was I just wanted to laugh... at least i have some self control. Im not sick. I just need to lose weight. I dont need food to function. I can live without food.
My mum said, i know your cheating. i know you dont follow your meal plan.
i Am. i tried to convince her... PURE BULLSHIT.
She didnt believe me needless to say.
Angry. Wanted to run. Wanted to self harm. Wanted to scream. I locked myself in the bathroom. and i stayed in there, refusing dinner.
I came out around 7pm, 2 hours in the bathroom.... i basically just stood there staring at myself.... seeing everything awful about myself. every flaw. usschhh... its like im looking at someone completely different when i look in the mirror... like its not me. But it is me.
When i finallly left the bathroom mum tried to make me eat, but i was stead fast on not eating. my stomach was in pain, it had wrapped itself into a small pea size ball and wouldnt let another morsel into my mouth.
For the rest of the night, i avoided my family. jsut standing around. ready to collapse, but not wanting to sit.
Tomorrow, i have no idea whats going ot happen. will mum talk to my case manager? most probably.
will i even go to Mando? will i come home again? I sure dont want to.
I dont want to be at home. I dont want to be at Mando. I dont want to live anymore.
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