feeling awful

Generally i dont like writing out when i am feeling sad or unhappy, it just sort of feels wrong. But at the moment, i feel i have to try to write out something. And im not looking for sympathy or anything. But i mean everyone has ups and downs, and i cant just pretend.

For the past 2-3 days (as im sure you've already realised) i have felt really shit.... and i dont even know why. Nothing has triggered me, and there is no reason why im feeling the way i am. But i just am....
  and the fact is, im just feeling worse.

Ive felt like im going to cry at any moment, and i finally did...... tears rolling down my cheeks. All i wanted to do was hug my mum or even my sister.... i wanted someone to talk to. But i just feel so alone.... and now that my mum is gone, it just feels like theres no one to talk to... i never talk about how i feel. I put up a brick wall around myself and dont talk about my feelings or emotions, but its like they say you dont know what you have until its gone. Because its now that my mum is gone, all i want to do is hug her and tell her how im actually feeling......

But the fact is, my thoughts and feelings are scaring me. I am struggling to find a reason to live. I dont want to wake up tomorrow, and would do anything to not have to live another day... and that thought scares me. Because i am all alone, and i can do absaloutly anything i want.... and the fact is. I dont even think anyone would notice until my mum gets home...
  and that scares me so much. Ive never felt this alone in my life. 

All i wish for right now, is to be a child again. I hate being a teenager... being a grown up. I just want to be 5 years old again. Live out in the country with my mum, dad, older sister and dog. Where my only troubles were that i didnt get any extra homework. I was so happy when i was child, and im wondering what happend.
    
I am a complete and utter mess.... and i dont want to do anything anymore. I want to lie under my covers, and just lie there for the next few months... go into hibernation.

That is basically how i am feeling...... :/
 
We all have tough times, and i just have to get through this.