What to believe?
Do i believe the
Mirror - When i feel normal, i look in the mirror and all i see is Fat. And when i feel fat, the mirror tells me im Obese.
Photographs - In photographs all i see is this fat girl. And just looking at photos of my self makes me want to cry, and i feel embarrassed because thats how i look. But on somedays, all i see is this too skinny girl. i see that i need to gain weight, but that makes it harder because the mirror and my head tells me i am fat.
My eyes - That tell me im either too thin or too fat. never good enough, always wrong.
My head - My head that always critisizes me. In my head, im either too skinny, or too fat. Im never normal weight. If i feel normal, my head will tell me im fat. If i feeel skinny, my head will tell me im too thin.
Which to believe, which is the truth?
Mirror - When i feel normal, i look in the mirror and all i see is Fat. And when i feel fat, the mirror tells me im Obese.
Photographs - In photographs all i see is this fat girl. And just looking at photos of my self makes me want to cry, and i feel embarrassed because thats how i look. But on somedays, all i see is this too skinny girl. i see that i need to gain weight, but that makes it harder because the mirror and my head tells me i am fat.
My eyes - That tell me im either too thin or too fat. never good enough, always wrong.
My head - My head that always critisizes me. In my head, im either too skinny, or too fat. Im never normal weight. If i feel normal, my head will tell me im fat. If i feeel skinny, my head will tell me im too thin.
Which to believe, which is the truth?
I'm really enjoying you posting your diary entries....I think it gives all of us hope. Some of us are where you were when you wrote those posts and to see how far you have come, shows us that we can do it to. Thank you :D
ReplyDeleteYeah i'll try writing more diary posts :)
DeleteThat's so true, Emily May!
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to share something because I don't know who else to tell. A lot of people in my life won't understand such a seemingly trivial thing. But to me it is a huge achievement and step in the right direction.
ReplyDeleteToday I woke up with a strong urge to binge (and this in turn would have led to purging). Usually I would have just binged or seriously restricted to avoid it- both not healthy or a good idea. Instead I simply made the decision to increase my meal plan by adding in a dessert at lunch and an extra snack, while also choosing to choose options which were slightly larger and hence more filling at meal times. All in all I ate about 500-600 more calories as opposed to an extra 2500+ (my usual binge). It was really really scary to increase like that but it really helped. I knew my body needed more calories today and I needed more food so I made a smart decision instead of restricting out of fear and binging extra hard.
Small steps to recovery! x
Your comment was one of the first things i read when i woke up this morninig, and it put a smile on my face! I may not know you, but i am so proud of you :) And would hug you if i could!!
DeleteThis is something you should be proud of yourself for. You listened to your body, in a healthy way! And its great that you could increase your calories, because you know your ´body needed food!! That is a huge step toward recovery! So if you can continue being that strong, going against the voice in your head, whether it tells you to binge or to restrict, just dont it!!
I know it can be scary to make a change,b ut hopefully you now know that eating more in a healthy way one day, wont kill you or mae you fat!! :)
Keep up your great work! :)