Reminder

* Reminder: Recovery isn't working hard to maintain a minimum healthy BMI, eating clean and obsessing over body image. Recovery is letting your body do the work, eating whatever the hell you want and realising that there is MORE to life than obsessing over food, weight and calories. Thin means NOTHING.* 

^^Not written by me. But couldnt find the source

I remember at the start of 2012 when i felt healthy, but i wasnt weight restored. I kept trying to compromise with my case manager to lower my goal weight. To just let me be the weight i was i.e 55kg. And i had a goal weight of 60kg, but because she realised it would take too long for my to gain to 60kg, she lowered my goal weight to 58kg, which gave me a BMI og 18.9 (i no longer care about weight or BMI.)
   But i was still struggling to gain 3kg. And really, i couldnt be bothered to gain the weight. At that time i was struggling alot. I didnt like the way i look, i was learning to eat normally again. Not following a meal plan or measuring food. I was eating too little. I was stressed with school, which made me eat less. But then after a few weeks of eating too little, and losing weight i began binge eating during the evenings, i would eat like 3 bowls of granola with milk, sandwiches, raisins. Or eat like 2 bars of chocolate etc. And that continued for more than a month (though i didnt binge everyday). I felt awful and the anxiety was so much that i ended up purging again. 
  I was obssessed with the way i looked, i was still trying to control my food and i wasnt happy. I hated the school i was in. I was sad and lonely. But trying to make the best of the situation. And even though i was trying to convince myself that i was healthy. I wasnt. I was trying to keep myself at the weight of 53-55kg (BMI of 17) because i was scared to be weight restored. I didnt know what i would do, or how i would eat. What would i do when i was finally told that i no longer needed to gain weight? There is a diary post coming up in a while, which is written from 2012, showing how i truly felt about myself and my body.
   I wasnt as sick as i had been, but i definitely wasnt recovered. Body image and food was still something i obsessed about.
  But finally, i let go of thinking about my weight. I started going to the gym, and i realised that i needed more energy. 
  You know what, getting my gym membership was the start of a new chapter for me. And it has changed my life completely. Because i started focusing more on what my body could do. Instead of how i looked. I learnt to feed myself again, to give myself the energy i needed, because i knew i needed it. And also, my hunger and fullness feelings were returning. I was trusting my body, trusting myself to give myself the energy i needed. And allowing myself to rest aswell, that was one huge step for me. Because allowing myself to rest, to relax was something which it took a long time for me to do. 
   I was looking at my body in a new way, and feeding myself right, and i gained the weight and i really didnt care.I didnt care that i now had a healthy weight. I didnt care that i no longer had to gain weight, because i was finally feeling healthy and happy. August 2012, that was when i was declared healthy, almost a year ago. And it was a new chapter for me. New school, new apartment, i was declared healthy. And ive jsut kept moving forward which is the most important thing.

  
And yes, you know what you could say that i am eating clean, or obsessed over my body image. But not really. I eat the way i do because i feel good, it makes me feel good. (Why do i always feel like i have to defend myself?), and of course i believe in moderation, not deprivation. So as long as i like the food, its not off limits :)
   And obsessed over body image.... well, everyone likes to look good dont they? Everyone has a bit of body image obsession. For me, well i love my body, i accept my body. Of course, at the moment i am focusing on building muscle, so yes... im more body image focused at the moment. But its not taking over my life. I dont feel bad because im bloated. I dont feel abd about showing my body, im not ashamed of my body. So i dont find its the same thing.... though thats my opinion.
  I mean, in the end, im still a teenage girl and i do care about my appearance/looks :)

But you need to ket your weight take care of itsself. Allow yourself to gain weight. Gaining the last few kilos are the hardest... thats where you once again need to take a leap of faith, and know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Of course gaining weight isnt eveyrthing about recovery, you need to focus on your mental thoughts aswell. Getting rid of bad habits, not caring about your weight or calories. And its fine to care about your looks, but you cant let those feelings/thoughts control you. And have a healthy realtionship with food.

^^A few photos from the start of 2012, when i wasnt feeling good at all, but tried to convince myself i was healthy, but i was still controlling my food, scared of eating too much. Scared of gaining weight.

And i even thought i was fat back then.

I look at these photos and think, i was still so skinny, how could i not see that?

I mean, i look at my arms and think, there was no fat there, and i mean i had gain c.a 15kg already.

And all i thought was, i was fat and i had gained so much weight already, how would i look when i had gained even more weight?

Well you know what, with those last 4-5 kg, i gained happiness, freedom from my head/thoughts, and i took that giant leap and completely let go of my ED. which changed my life forever.

So dont be scared of taking that last leap.

That stage where you are half healthy, but still sick... where you are on a line... where you will either fall back into your ED, or jump and take the leap of faith into complete recovery.

And you need ot just do it...

Because otherwise you will be stuck in that grey area, and i can tell you from experince, that grey area is not fun.

Because i did not feel well at back then at all.

I may have gained weight, but i still had sick thoughts, and was depressed.

But i knew i wanted to recover fully, and i did.

And now im happier than ever.

I now weigh c.a 8kg more than the photos from 2012...

and gained c.a 23kg from my lowest weight.

And you know what, i dont care. I'm happy, im healthy.

No one else knows the number on the scale, and that number just tells you your mass... nothing else

I love the way i look.

And nope, skinny/thin means nothing to me.

Im all about healthy & strong.

And a smile on my face :)