Post from 2011

I really do think its f**ked up, that i have to go to a hospital to eat. everyone eats, its normal, its what people do.
  yet me, and hundreds of other people, also have to.
I just think its weird, how could i stop eating? what made me like this, made me scared of food, scared of weight gain, hate my body so much?
   i was never self conscious, i dont think i ever thought too much about my body, i knew i was the skinny one. the one everyone told ot put on weight.
   i dont think i ever looked in the mirror, and just stared at my body. sure, i had my down days, who doesnt? But now all i do is look in the mirror and see everything i hate. Everything that is wrong with me and that i need to fix. I feel fat, constantly fat. I would like to take a scissors and just cut all my fat away. I even told my mum that i want liposuction.
I never weighed myself. I never weighe dfood. But thats all i do now... i hate the scale. The number thats always too high. I dont even have a goal weight, i just want to feel good in my body. I hate the way i feel and the way i look and until im ´happy i need to loes weight.

   I thought i was a great size. Model height and weight.
I didnt count calories, i dont think i even knew how to count them, like my sister, she doesnt get how  i count calories. how i have to check the nutritional value of everything, even though i know what it says already. its as if, by magic, the calories will have changed in the milk, or something.
  I didnt hate myself, i hated my CF, and still do. but not me.

I never thought suicide, i never thought self harm. i did have my bad days, where i was pretty sad. but i would cheer up again. It never lasted long. Now im just constantly sad, constantly thinking about suicide and ways to kill myself. Ways to end this misery and pain.
  
I could sit down. there would be periods when i would go from my bedroom, to the sofa. no activity, that would be when i was nto in school.
   i didnt panic over food. i didnt refuse food. i was always a slightly picky eater, but nothing major. i was never big into trying new things either.

People used to call me happy. Now, im called depressed.


How can things change so much? in 3 years.
   but really, its just 2 years which everything has really happend. where ive changed nad changed and changed again. my mood changing, the way i think... everything, my whole life. obsessing abut things which i never did before, not eating.

What happend? how did i end up this way.

Im not pro anorexia, i didnt start dieting to lose weight. i didnt think anything about EDs, i didnt know anyone who had an ED, i didnt think about it generally, but if i did, i think i just thought they were stupid, couldnt understand how very complicated this all is.


These were my thoughts from 2011. Trust me YOU CAN RECOVER. I struggled with suicidal thoughts, starvation, depression, over exercise, self harm, purging.... In and out of hospital. Suicide attempts. Years of sickness.

But I RECOVERED. And it was the best choice i ever made. I am now happy and healthy and it IS possible to recover. Never forget that!