So for dinner today... it was fish, with some sauce... like... it had a nice taste... but couldnt make out what it was. (the only reasons i thought it was ok, was cus i hardley had any, as it was already on the fish) and then cooked potatoes and vegetables... nothing new for dinner. im sure ive had the same meal a hundred times before.
but some days... i get away with having like 25% vegetables. and maybe less sauce. but today i didnt get away with that. i had the proper amounts.
first i kinda panicked. within a minute i had had ten dfferent thoughts of how to get rid of the food or change hte potatoes for vegetabeles... or something along the lines of that, but then a different voice kicked in - Just deal with it. its food. everyone else is eating the same. so just get on with it. so then i took the tray away from beside me and began to eat.
the food didnt taste that bad.... surprisnigly.... but stilll....
What i find really scary though is that, i think so much about food. like in the morning i have already planned out which option im going to take for my snacks and for breakfast. because otherwise i stand there, completely undisisive. and if i show indecisiveness, then i'll have to have the days put onto my options, and i dont like that.
so i have to choose before hand so that i dont panic. but i find... that after a meal, i might be like... Oh... 3 snack. i'll have a bowl of yoghurt... good. like it feels.... that i could over eat. itss making em scared. but i think its cus im so like... get the meals over with. jsut eat them. and that i think so much about my options.
but its scaring me? will i start overeating? will i like not know when to stop eating? will i like food again?
its making em even less keen to eat.. even though sometimes my belly is like food food food. and not in a complaining way.
can someone please help, is this normal? i know some anorexics, while they're at home can like develop binge eating and then start throwing up to get rid of the food. bu they eat cus they're starved.
im not starved.
Tomorrow i have the dentist. and i take my 3 snack out.
and on friday mum is coming to hvae dinner here. did i mention that?
what do you people think about a new template/background? i dont know. im not feeling veyr creative, so i dont think it would be very good. but i think maybe its time for something new?
any comments or ideas? or suggestions.
Oh... if you have suggestions for my blog... for me - its more of an online diary. where i tell my secrets, so they dont eat me up inside, and i jsut write all my emotions and feelings, get them out somewhere, as im a very closed book.
so really there is alot of complaing and ranting... and general anorexia behavior... a look into an anorexics mind.
but maybe theres something you'd like me to write baout? not write about. not complain so much?
less photos of me? less useless meaningless photos?
better typing - nope... i cant improve in that area!! :D
ideas are kindly accpeted!! :)
I'm proud of you! See? It wasn't so dangerous after all, was it? :)
ReplyDeleteNow focus on doing your best. When you have doubts about whether following your plan is good or not, just think of the days you'll get to spend outside this place.
Change the background - make it lighter, more optimistic!
Take care and fight! <3
Jag känner igen mig i tankarna och rädslan för att äta för mycket, så var det för mig också förut (och ibland fortfarande) trots att jag ätit 6 mål om dagen i flera veckor. Tror det handlar om inställning. Man vill ju egentligen äta och kroppen vill verkligen att man äter. Då man tagit till svält tidigare så är kroppen rädd för att bli utan mat igen och vill liksom bunkra upp med reserver. Sen handlar det mycket om att man själv inte tillåter sig att äta. Även om du äter så intalar du dig själv hela tiden att det är fel och att du inte borde äta. Det var när jag började släppa på den kontrollen som impulserna att inte sluta äta började försvinna för jag visste att om jag blev hungrig senare så kunde jag tillåta mig att äta igen. Förstår du? Så nu har du 6 gånger om dagen då du tillåter dig själv att äta och sen äter du inte en smula till även om du någon gång skulle vilja. Det är liksom den kontrollen som gör att hjärnan vill passa på att äta extra mycket när den väl får äta även om du får i dig tillräckligt under dina 6 måltider.
ReplyDeleteTa hand om dig och fortsätt kämpa så slipper du snart allt vad anorexi heter. För du vill inte leva med anorexi. Det är anorexin som vill leva med dig. Hon har ingen annan, men det har du! Du klarar dig utan anorexin, men anorexin dör om du lämnar henne.
Och ett annat tips som konstigt nog hjälpt mig lite; tänk inte att du går upp en massa i vikt. Tänk istället att du bara minskar din undervikt ;)