so the tears were flowing freely adn i jstu wanted to speak to my mum, but my fone battery is dead. and i wasnt allowed to use the patiants phone.
L noticed that something was up, so she spoke to me, asked how it went at home.
I lied. told her things went well. i couldnt say they went abd. because that would mean less time out. but im sure they think im lying if i told them i ate everythig and ive lost weight.
But i told her that feel worse than ever. that its my mind, my mind is stopping me from doing 100% right. like being able to relax, take a chocolate muffin or doughnut - .cus i can tell you, thats what i want to do. i want to be able to lean back ina chair and watch like 3 hours of television, nd not have to get up every half hour for soem reason ro other.
And i want to be able to go buy a chocolate brownie (Yes.... MMmmmm i think they do look good. but i wouldnt go near one. i do knwo the calorie content) and eat it and enjoy it. like i remember... when doughnuts where my favourite thing - ever!! i would gladly eat 2 or 3 at a time, and im sure i did. the round ones with icing on top ... my favourite!!! :)
and whenever i need that little boost of weight, mum would buy me a few doughnuts or one of thoose 200gram Cadbury bars!!! haha... life was goood! :) i liekd eating like that.
i dont wish i go abck to eating like that (even though in all honesty, i never ate that much junk food. jsut now and again and when i need to gain some wieght) but being able to atleast buy a chocoalte bar and enjoy it. theres a diffference.
but its my stupid mind, its stopping em. its getting in the way. ruining my life. keeping em frmo gettting better. it wants me to fail. it wants me to do wrong. it does want me to get better. and i wish i was strong enough to tell it to go away, to go to hell. to leave me alone and let me get better.
i wish i could push it away, and get rid of it, onc and for all.
but im not. im too weak. im letting it take over. letting ti control me. tell me that i cant eat any food. that sitting and relaxing is bad.
why am i listening to it?
Basicaly.... after me telling L that my mind is really in control (or anorexia... i dont think its my mind.) she said that i have to write down to positive things about myself - that will take all day to try to think of. i actually cant think of anything. because if i get soemthing like - i can write then i realise... that i cant. or i bring myself down by telling myself ten bad things.
i cried while we spoke. but atleast i told her. i spoke out about what was bothering me.
no - it didnt feel better. but i said somehting. i dont open up. i dont speak.
and even though she got a bit stricter. i think i might ask if i can talk to L. instead of my supervisor, because i dont like her. and in the end, what i say to L will just be written down and told to my supervisor, but then atleast i wont be talking directly to her.
and i dont mind L too much. shes not the worst person ever.
it might eb an idea to start talking to her?
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