Thoughts

You know what really bothers me, and is starting to bring me down is that I eat WAY more then anyone else. I know that what i eat is what my body needs, and that i do do alot of activity each day, that is also what my body needs.
  Because of my CF, i need exercise each day (i guess everybody does, but i need exercise i.e running/swimming for my lungs) and i need to eat alot, and alot of high fat foods...
 
But i eat so much and so often.. and the thing is, my body is prgramed to that... so i get hungry at certain times...
  I mean i eat 5-6 times a day, and i can still feel hungry sometimes and take a fruit. While others (ive been studying peoples eating habits... [Is that considered anorexic?!}) and they eat maybe 3-4 times a day.
  I eat a HUGE breakfast, while my family only have like a small bowl of cornfalkes and milk, maybe a banana.

For lunch, well ive realised, i actually eat less then other for lunch... cus im not usually hungry. Idont know.. ive never  been a fan of lunch? and i would mainly go for something healthy - i.e salad/egg white omellette/ soup/ sandwiches.
  But everyone else wants a big cooked lunch, which is good... its just that im not a big fan of that... even though i get cooked lunches at school.

And then i would eat a snack a little while after lunch, and that is usually a big snack... but not everyone else does that? they might take a fruit or something... or something anyway.

And then dinner..and thats a normal serving, maybe another half portion depending on if im hungry or not...
  and then of course i eat a night snack. (Unless we end up having like dinner at 8 or something)

 Uggghh i eat like 2500-3500 calories a day... like calories dont bother me.. but suddenly im thinking.

Shit i eat alot.. all the time?! 
   I mean, i try to eat as healthy as possible... i like to go for protein and oats.. bt i have my days which consist of just like bread (haha)
  I hate how it feels like im always eating, no one else eats this much and the scary thing is that ... i dont think i'd be able to cut back.. or i have my days where i guess i dont eat as much.

But at the moment, ive been gaining weight.. not much.. roughly 1,5kg in like 2-3 months... thats nothing. And its mainly because i have it so easy to lose weight... but now im wondering, some point.. some point i will be 58kg,and ill have a BMI 19... and then what? wont i have to cut back then? not eat as much...
  like i mean, i started eating morebecause i didnt want to drink the supplement drinks... and now my body has gotten used to this amount of food...
  I dont know... at the moment, i feel all panicked in my head...  its an awful feeling..
  eveyrone else seems to be able to eat just a little, and be allowed to diet... but me??? i just have to eat.eat.eat


 And the thing is, i enjoy it... i woudlnt be able to eat less...? an that scares me? how did i survive, how did i cut back and not eat anything? idont get it...

Like, the reaality is that in a year, ive just gone up and down3kg... thats all ive done. ive gained weight and then ive lost it.
   So i mean, what i eat isnt realy making a big difference... at first i drank supplement drinks & my meal plan.. and that didnt really do much. And then over time i dropped the meal plan and then i stopped drinking the supplement drinks... (started losing weight) and then i started eating more... and thats when i was jsut about able to keep my weight.
  And then ofcourse i started jogging and siwmming more, and that resulted in either eating more or drinking a protein shake/supplement drink.

So i can balance my weight... even though it feels like im eating loads,and a normal person would gain weight.. i dont really... or i really have to over eat.
   And i know that when im 58kg.. ill be going to the gym,and im trying to gain these last 3-4kg in muscle (which is hard as i dont go to the gym!!)
  So i will be more active.. and have more energy to do more stuff.. so it most probably will balance out.
Also that when you're a healthy weight.... your body does eveyrthing to staay that weight.. it goes up and down 2kg.. but it takes a helluva lot to start gaining LOADS. and it takes serious exercise and dietiting to start losing loads...
  your body knows when its healthy.. just like it gives you signals when you're hungry and when you're thirsty, tired, want to exercise etc etc....
  you just have to rely on that your body knows.... and thats the most important thing isnt it, that your healthy. both physically and mentally?
  I mean, i havent even gotten my period back? one signal that im not healthy?
 But i guess im just scared to trust my body..

And my head is messing with me..

There are all these articles and eerything out there, saying that if you eat more then 1500 cals (or whatever.. i dont read that shit) you gain weight etc etc.... but its like... thats not true?
   
I mean, trying to gain weight, is just as hard as it is to lose weight.... ? for an anorexic.. maybe at the start they gain weight quickly, because the body has been in starvation mode, and then it suddenly gets food so it wants to preserve it all...

I dont know...  i just feel awful because i eat so much, an at the moment i feel like fat assed slob... hate my body.
 
Hm... iwonder if any of you have read this far? : )