What can i say... everything went well! Hahah, there is nothing to complain about. As usual!!
I filled in all the papers and she aksed me loads of questions, and it all looked good.
Today i even decided that i would look at scale. Usually i just turn around. Not because the number on the scale bothers me, mainly because i dont care. And yeah, i might be a little worried that if i see the number it might trigger something.
But i did look at the scale.. and you know what, the number didnt bother me. Of course, it was more then the last time i had looked at a scale (i.e summer!) but that doesnt really matter . Because that weight could have just been water weight... or muscle... or i have gone up in weight. But what does that matter, that doesnt define who i am.
While i was at Mando i had to sit and weight by the inpatient side before lunch. And you know what, that was hard.
So many memories came flooding back. I almost just wanted to close my eyes and run away from there. I almost felt a tear or two threatening to fall.
Its so hard to go back there... to see all the staff and the new patients. Each time i see someone who has an ED, i almost instantly want to tell them that things get better. That anorexia/bulimia(or other EDs) isnt the way. That you cant sit in an ED clinic, scared to live your life. That recovery is hard. Its not easy... no one will tell you it is. But it is worth it. And that is what makes the difference. You have to find the motivation and never give up. Like the quote, what doesnt kill you, makes you stronger. And its true.
All of you, you can recover. There will be days where you wake up and think, Damn. Today... Today is the day that i will do everything right. I wont let the ED control me. And other days you wont even want to get up from your bed. You will be filled with anxiety.... thats life.
Life isnt easy. But you have to keep strong.
While sitting in the sofa in the inpatient side i even had a patient ask me is i was new there. I almost felt like laughing... Nope. Im an oldie!! haha XD I know the ways of Mando. And im never going back.
Its funny also how each time i go to Mando, almost all the staff recognize me. Always want to say hi, or give me a hug... Hahah, the worst is when i dont even like that staff!! LOL and i have to stand there, squirming!! Nah, i mean they're all good people, but my memories of them have clouded that!
Ive even had other patients who know me from my time at Mando, or who read my blog say hi (not this time. But other visits). Which is weird? or more... that people realise its me? I always feel so invisible... like nobody sees or notices me? And then when someone suddenly comes and says hi? Its like... can you see me? haha XD Nah. I know im not invisible :)
Then i had lunch and then i was done at Mando - Relief!
I came home, completly drenched from the rain. The snow is apparently on its way!!
Ohh... and guess what happens? I decided to go into a sport shop because i saw that there was sale. (This shop is in the near by area of my school.) And guess who i see and he sees me? Oh yes... my mentor!! XD
Ohhh the shame. & embarrassment. I mean. Because i didnt have school today because i was going to Mando, and i would only have been able to go to half of swedish and mentor time.
I felt like hitting my head aginst the wall. I didnt know what to do. Go up to him and explain that i had been to the hospital appointment... or just shamefully walk out the door?
Hahah. I really hope he doesnt talk to me tomorrow. Because i mean i wasnt skipping school!! XD arrghhh. I have loads of anxiety over that XD
Its so typical though... it only happens to me XD
I am now debating whether i should just take a spa night or actually get homework done? Im thinking the first option :)
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