Diary entry

** Warning - could be triggering**

Let me know if you do want diary entries or not, they can be triggering for some... so let me know:

18th February 2011

I want to die. It's not like i'm loved. I'm fat and ugly, and it would just be good if i died. No one would realise i was gone, i  would just dissapear. No one would notice or care.
  It would just be good for my mum and sister if i died and was out of their life.. i'm just a hassle. I argue and fight. They hate me. I mess up their life, i make everything worse. I can't just be normal and eat. I can't sit with them, becuase i have to exercise.
  I hope i die. I'm tired of living. Im tired of hating myself. Im tired of hating my life and everyone around me. Ive got nothing to live for. Ive got no life ahead of me. I dont want to live my life like this, and i'll never be able to escape. Death would be so much easier. Then i wouldnt have to be in pain, then i wouldnt have to struggle. I would just be gone and it would be easier for everyone and myself. Then the staff at mando wouldnt have to deal with me. my sister wouldnt have to look at me or argue with me, and my mum would be happier because she wouldnt have such an awful daughter. She would just have my sister. everyone would be happier if i was gone.

February the 18th was the second time i tried commiting suicide, i overdosed on painkillers and ended up in hospital...  
  All i remember from that night was the absaloute self hate and self loathing i had. I felt i was no longer needed, that i was just a hassle to everyone aruond me. I didn't see a future for myself. I hated myself and my life.
   I remember collapsing on our kitchen floor, and then being in an ambulance and telling everyone that i was fine and just wanted to go home. And tried getting up from the 'bed', and then everything went black before waking up in hospital with Iv's attached to my arm and doped up on calming pills.

^¨ Those photos were taken a few days before i wrote the diáry post

Even in the darkest of times, know that recovery is possible. I was so sick and never thought i would ever recover. That wasnt even an option at the time. Back then, my only options were to continue starving myself... trying to control my life, trying to minimize the self hate, the self loating and suicide.
   But neither of those should even be options. Suicide should never be an option. I have attempted suicide twice while i was sick, and thought about it daily.
   Depression, eating disorders and self harm are all things you can recover from. They take time. Its hard work, but being sick, hating yourself, self harming... that is alot worse than recovering.

Never give up. I have been at the very bottom, but fought my way to the top. And even if its hard, it is something which i have never regretted.