Melt down

This morning i had a meltdown.... everything was wrong.
  I ended up standing in the hallway crying because my sister was in the bathroom... haha, that wasnt the reason why i was crying.
  It felt like it was everything.... i feel so tired. Mentally.
I hate waking up each morning, and i dont know why. I dont know why i have it so hard to wake up and get on with life.... i know im not much of a morning person.
   I feel unhappy and im not so sure why. It feels like bottling things up, i have all these emotions which i didnt even know i had... i had just put them all away into a corner of my mind.
  I dont like feeling emotions, i can find it hard to deal with stress/anxiety/anger.... all my emotions are always so strong, amplified. So i prefer to lock them away ..... and then i end up having a melt down.
  Where something as little as, my mum has moved my jacket can make me start crying..... :/
 
I dont know what im feeling really.... everything, but at the same time nothing.
  It feels like i just want to die, why im having these thoughts i dont know.

But i get so tired of living, not that my life is bad. I enjoy my life, my life si good. But i still get tired of living, not because my life is hard or because im fighting some battle... just because life is hard and dying is easier... but that isnt an option.

I was also all swollen up today, (efter all the bread and cookies yesterday) and that always has a bad affect on me. I hate being bloated and swollen. And of course when i end up feeling bad, the first thing i do is start critisizing my body....
  So looking in the mirror today was agonizing. I hated everything i saw....im not even gonna get into it.
  But anxiety and self hate was added to my already huge pile of emotions i had.....  Some days i wish i was as thin as i was before, i hate knowing that ive gone up 15+ kilo..... it just sounds awful, even though i know i feel so much better now. And most days i feel good and like my body, i like the way i look.
 But on bad days, like this morning.....then everything is wrong with my body.....

   I have my days where everything is hard, where life just seems pointless.
Sometimes i dont see the point in living, we just live to die...? and i want to choose my own time of death.. i dont want to let somone/something else kill me.... i want to choose when i die...
 this is getting very morbid now..

Im surprised that i even managed to get out of the house, when i feel like this i usually bury myself in a blanket with music in my ears all day.
  But i didnt want my mum to see me breakdown, i didnt wwant them to see me feel bad. So i just cleaned up my tears, took a few deep breaths. Grabbed my bag and left.
  I had things to do in town, so i decided to get them done today so that i had one less thing to worry about.

Im sorry if this was triggering or anything...  I jsut felt i had to write it out.... try to assemble my thoughts, get out what im really feeling. :/

How is everyone doing? :)