Sleepless night

Good morning  :)
  I dont think i slept more then an hour last night... not good.
 Last night, i drank tea, ate cheese sandwiches and didnt do anything... i left all my bags & packing on the floor... with clothes and shoes and book everywhere... hmmm.... its not gonna be fun to sort through everything... I'll do that on a rainy day!!! ^_^
   I started to feel better after a while, but tired.

Once i was finally in my bed though, i was wide awake. So i read for an hour or two.... and then i lay there, trying to fall asleep,
  But instead resorted to trying ot listen to some music, as that can help sometimes, but i ended up just looking at all my photos i had on my Ipod, and i actually ended up in tears, i think it was cause i was so tired.
  But looking at the photos of when i was really sick, i didnt think anything about them. I didnt think i looked that small, but i was BMI 13/14 there... that is severaly underweight. and i look at them and think, i wasnt that skinny.
  And then i look at the photos from last year, when i had just come out of inpatients, after almost 3 months, and i was really fighting to get healthy.... and i dont know.
  I just felt sad looking at them, and i cant say why. Maybe because i looked so happy in the pictures.... and i didnt think much about my body...
   But i still had a body of a 12 year old...

I dont know, for some reason... it brought alot of emotions and thoughts up from looking at photos, from when i was a child, before i became sick, while i was sick, and then from around now....
  its like looking back at my life, and realising how i changed, what i had been through. How i just looked more lost and more sick.
  How i went from the happy, healthy little girl, to something that looked dead and lost.... and then slowly i became happier and healthier....
   But sometimes i wonder if imgenereally happy...? i dont know.
Sometimes it feels like imfooling myself, as well as others.....

In  all honesty, i feel very low today, and i feel like a ball..... i cant even stand to look at myself, or look in the mirror... Great day to go to Mando? Im thinking abotu cancelling, but i dont think i will. I just want to get it over with....

I dont know if it was stress, anxiousness or because im in a new bed, why i couldnt sleep.... but not sleeping enough is definitely having a bad affect on my thoughts...
  
Now its time to go drink some coffee, and wake up. Maybr a morning walk so that i can get some energy into me.?

I'll write again later x