Nightmare

Last night was a sleepless night, filled with nightmares when i did actually sleep.
   Last night i lay in bed tossing and turning, i couldnt get to sleep, i lay there letting the time pass by, not knowing if it had been one minute or one hour that had passed.
  I was too warm, then i was too cold, i was tired and then i had energy. It wasnt until maybe 3am before i my eyes were drooping closed.
  And my dream was anything but good.

In my dream/nightmare last night i was starting a new school, but it was actually the school i had gone ot in Ireland. And then on the first day there, it felt like everyone was staring at me, and i couldnt eat lunch. It was too scary, i didnt want to eat a sandwich.... i didnt want to eat. So instead i walked around, i didnt want anyone to know i wasnt eating. But inside me i knew it was wrong, (not like it had been when i was 12 and this was actually happening, i was oblivious to what was wrong. I didnt know what hell i would go through just ebcause i felt too self conscious to eat infront of people.)
  When i got home (In my dream) i sat in my room filled with anxiety, i knew it was wrong. I knew i should eat, but even at home i couldnt eat. I sat in my room all night, not doing anything, just sitting on my bed.
  The next day in school, was a blur it felt like people just passed me by and stared, and once again i skipped lunch, not wanting people to see me eat....
   and it continued like that.... i tried to build the courage to tell my mum, tell her that the same thing was happening again. That i was starting a new school and i was too scared to eat.... i was worried that i was going to get sick again, but i didnt want my mum to not trust me, so i didnt tell her that i wasnt eating anyy more... that i was getting depressed....
  And it continued like that.

I woke up covered in sweat, and filled with anxiety.....
   Ive been having worried thoughts lately about school, what happens if the exact same story happens all over again? What happens if i get too scared and dont want to eat in school? I dont have a problem eating in public.. but school, there is just so much pressure and stress.... and im worried about it.
   And the thing is, if i started messing around with my food im pretty sure i wouldnt tell my mum, 1)because i would be scared but 2) because i wouldnt want her to mistrust me.....
  so i dont know. Im scared about starting a new school, i know im alot wiser and i dont think i would stop eating.... im not that stupid. But i never know, only time can tell.....:/

I feel tired, but at the same time scared to sleep.f (it is morning though.. so theres no point sleeping.)

My nightmares always leave me feeling shaken, and filled with thoughts.
   My nightmares usually include going back to Mando, not eating anymore, getting depressed and self harming, suicide, feeling unloved etc etc.... and always filled with fear/anxiety and panic.

I'm scarred from my past, in my nightmares, my past gets warped and fused together into this one awful never ending nightmare.