So this morning iw alsike, ok they're gonna weigh me. I hope i vaent gone down.... EXTREMLY WEIRD! i was shocked that i had thought that way, but then i was like, its ok if i stand still.. that doesnt mean anything, or jsut go up a little, but down. That would mean they raise my meal plan and everything jsut gets fucked o and they start accusing me of not following my meal plan, so losing wieght is like.... you get in troble for it... which is higly unfair, but i suppose if they just let it slide that you lost wieght you'd keep losing weight and then you'd end up an inpatient again. BUt back to my point, so they weighed me today. I stood still. And my supervisor was like i'll keep chekcing and if it doesnt go up, you're either gonna hvae to take an energy drink (which i refuse, i will NOT take.) or raise my meal pan, which is veyr hard ot do as im eating soo much anyway. So i hope it goes up, maybe jsut a little a week, but up.
Also today i was discharged frmo in patient and writen into day patient.
Tomorrow im gonna start wtiht he school here at the hospital, they want me to go for an hour eveyrday. Which is fine, i think. Its not that i mind school or lessons, maybe thats what they think, that im tyring to avoid school, but tis not. Its the fact that i dont hitnk im ready to start eating ins chool. I dont know... like they're saying in a week anda half i hsould start. And i suppsoe im gonna gear myself up to that, but i think my whole shcool issue is that im physciaing myself up too much. Like in my old school, i was always home sick with my CF and i just felt lke a freak but i had kind of prepared myself to jsut start a new chool, maybe be later than the others but that i would start and go all day and jsut be normal and hopefully not get to sick with my CF. But now i have to face the reality that i would jsut be able to go for maybe two three hours a day and i'd have to have y snakc and then soon i would have to use my mando meter for lunch, that its gonna be progress and that yes.. i will be the girl with anorexia, or the girl over coming it, but soon i will be the girl who had anorexia. Sure, i might not get a boyfriend in this schoool, but when i change school for gymnasium, then i might jsut stand a chance!! :)
So i think im just gonna have to take school in my stride jsut like i have done with this eating program i've jsut taken everything as it comes, but with school, i've thought too much about it.
Tomorrow im ognna go out for lunch with ym supervisor. I dont know how that will go. Ok, i hope. It might be weird though.... she's also gonna put my time down to 15 minutes. :( Hmm... im on 17/18 minutes now and ot be honest sometimes i struggle with that, i still take small bites. BUt i find tht easier instead of taking huge bites, i take small bites but plenty of them, so my timing, is ok. Like i mean i still eat too slow but i follow the line pretty much.
Er.... that is about it.
xxx
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